Gwenivere

I called my cousin to cry to. Much needed. Ally really stumbled on the stairs when I got home. She then went back out and came up herself. I so miss Steve thru this time. He would keep me focused on the positive. My cousin reminded me that I haven’t faced a challenge yet I didn’t get thru even when I’ve thought I’ve hit my limit. I’m hoping she is right. Thank you all for your compassion. 💖

I just made one of the hardest calls. I contacted a mobile vet so I would have someone to call in an emergency or for when it is time to let Ally go. I told him I never have done this alone and being a widow. It was the logical thing to do, but I won’t have Steve here to discuss the obvious when time to. I think that scares me more than anything. Of course it will crush me to lose her. I see the void growing larger to consume me. I know I am doing the responsible and loving thing by getting prepared. This Lap of Love iscso compassionate and said I am not alone, I could call them anytime just to talk. I already knew the parameters for that kind of decision, but it helped to talk to them. I don’t know how I will deal with after. No one to cry with or hold onto. I think that scares me more.

Wow, 59th anniversary, Marg. What sucks is Billy missed the last few. Now we have a date etched when they left and that good one of being together is darkened. It’s just not right. I hope you talked with Billy. I never know what to do on the new date in my life of losing Steve. October 29th. A day that never meant anything until 5 upyears ago. Now January 30th is empty when us was a celebratory day. Thinking of you. 💖

It’s vry warped. The lack of empathy, or even sympathy mazes me often. When I get a random kindness I’m blown away by it. Yup, Steve is my benchmark. To this point it has been the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. I do remind myself to never say things couldn’t be worse. That’s just tempting fate and I really don’t want to go there. I don’t want to know if there is. This I quite enough, thankyouverymuch.

Never having kids, I got to keep my figure longer than most moms. Seeeing mom celebrities is usually a result of the ability to pay private trainers. It was in my 50’s that my flat stomach gave in to age. Miss that thing. Legs got flabby in the last 2 years with the back stopping exercise I got. Miss smooth hands too. I got old lady hands, crinkly and bruised easily. Some knuckles thick from arthritis. I’m always noticing young women’s hands when handed something. Commercials for these intense face creams by young models guvevme a chuckle. Never needed that at that age. Just light moisturizer and foundation. Once you cross over to puffiness and wrinkles, there’s no going back. I look at the commercials for older people and see no true difference in before and after pics. But hey, some want to fight, so I say go for it. There’s that old saying that every line in my face was earned. Think that’s true. Sure had a lot of smiles and laughs along the decades. People say I don’t look 64 which is nice. My give away is the moaning and groaning getting up and down and walking. THAT'S an old woman! The gray hair isntbin my favor now that I gave up streaking it. Seems like it all hit at once, but it was sneaky. A little here a little there. Steve got the stomach thing going first. He just went with the flow. I think if we made the very best of our youth it’s easier. No regrets. I know people that didn’t and they are usually a bit bitter. I run into lots of young people that have some remarkable attractive things like hair, eyes and even sometimes tattoos, which I usually dislike, and tell them how cool they look. Guess it’s not a common thing from us old folks. I know when I was that age my moms generation was negative to the new freedoms and heard it a lot. Sad. But they were coming from an time of restriction, not freedom. No pill, bra optional, minimal skin exposure and definitely not women being as assertive as men. I asked for dates as much as I got asked. I knew the clock was ticking, no time to waste! Stevecwas like that too. It’s why we clicked so well, we were both seize the moment ASAP people. More so than most even then. Guess that’s why we skipped dating and went feet first into physical encounters at every chance. We did the dating thing when we were married about 20 years. Became a weekly thing.....our night for going out. It was sacred too. Nothing took precedence. He’d even skip jams. Blew me away! That’s why my Saturday nights are extra lonely. I wish I knew a way to get them back so we all don’t have to live in memories. Didn’t have to grow old(Er) alone. Such a simple thing...give them back.

I don’t know how many people had traditional weddings. My first was kinda that way, tho in a backyard with a judge in a red coat as it was Valentine’s Day. Reception there also. Steve sang for the ceremony (talk about irony) and other musicians joined in later for a makeshift band. Got to wear a wedding gown, do the cake, garter and tossing bouquet thing. Steve and I married in jeans in Reno with a very flamboyant woman officiating. Very hung over as we missed the midnight deadline so we gambled and stayed up very late. Had to fly back to SF as we missed the train and I was sick with a cold. Had brought a cake and camera with timer to get pics. The first one filled the totally your day thing. Was just as exciting getting married in jeans as Steve did the tux thing at his first. marg,yours is very sweet. Each of our firsts had lots of people too. That was fun with an open bar and actually no fights! I still have my dress, it was something I found in an antique store from the early 1900’s (totally satin, no frills, 6 foot train) and had to be made longer as I was so tall. It would never fit now even to I weigh the same. A few things have shifted from 27 to 64. Plus they put zippers on the sides and I recall having to squish into it back then, but it was a perfect fit. Glad I have pictures. My fav is me dancing with my dad. Kinda showed me the outcome of the union. But if your into it, it’s fun being a bride.

I just read the article and how true I is about how many people view what we are going thru. Meaning....clueless. Trying to assign lessons that lead to guilt? Trying to downplay pain? I’m feeling fortunate that I haven’t heard much of it and if has been thought of me, I haven’t known about it. That would just be fuel on the fire. No one needs that. It’s a sad commentary about how grief is so misunderstood.

Spent 2 hours setting up a new alarm monitoring company. Normally it wouldn’t have been that hard, but having to call in about 5 times to verify info just got to me. Nothing ever feels simple anymore. I’ve got that fog going, have to do a counseling session, pick up an RX and take a shower. Can barely walk and again wonder how I make it thru another day. It’s exceptionally cool for Seattle and cloudy. Guess the 4th we move to normal temps. As always, I just want to go back to bed. Need to move Ally’s pain meds around as the afternoon one isn't as effective as her night ones. Rather she have the better for when she is active rather than sleeping. Then there is that dinner thing for me. It’s a long way til Monday and maybe getting some answers or ideas from the dermatology clinic. Putting cyst drainage on hold til I see them. Went thru my fridge a bit and found 2 horrid apples. I live on those and peanut butter for lunch so will have to go to the only grocery that sells the lunch box size. I’m finding it harder and harder to be in stores with the masks and all are posting you have to wear one. I am actually exempt with a lung condition but I would get some nasty looks if I didn’t. First thing I do is rip it off when I’m done. Could hardly breathe picking up my RX's. Get so little exercise I walk in instead of the drive up. Ally is getting skinny despite her normal food. Creates a dilemma as more food means probably more accidents in the house. Hard on ye olde back. Been witholding some food choices as they are hard on her tummy. More milkbones which she doesn’t seem to mind. Miss Steve every day going thru this. We both could sure use 'big strong dad' (BSD) as he called himself. I do too. Always a hero to us.

I really wish I did get feelings like you did, mick. I’ve felt nothing that gives me a sense Steve is still around. Only my memories or sometimes in dreams. I did change radio stations on my alarm because I got so tired of being woken to songs that triggered memories constantly. I had heard the term 'grief toolbox' and maybe this is one you have I am missing. During the first year I thought some things were signs, but as time has passed I have seen they are not. Just coincidence. As Marty said, who’s to say it isn’t. I hope you see many more songbirds as that sounds like a beautiful way to maintain some connection. 💖

I hate that worry thing, Karen. Fortunately I can escape in sleep. But my conscious hours are twice as long and it’s there constantly. I know living in it just magnifies it too. A tree we’ve needed cut down for years now seems like it will fall and create a catastrophe even tho it hasn’t changed. My walking is so compromised I’ll be in a wheelchair soon. That could be true, I know my dog can’t continue on forever but I see myself being locked up for losing my mind when it happens. And household things? It seems they are picking now to happen. I need to switch alarm monitoring companies and it’s a huge hassle. They won’t do it without coming out to test the system which works fine. Want to test every window and door. I kinda get it, but want to say there wasn’t a problem with the old company, talk to them. I just hate having people wandering around in here unless it’s truly warranted like your sink. I get all the stuff done but I don’t feel any accomplishment beyond something functioning again. It’s from being alone. No one to feel good about it with or thecfact much of it Steve would handle. I’ve lost the jobs I liked without him and taken on the ones I hate. Itwill never feel right again. I don’t like getting things fixed. I liked buying food and cooking dinner. I don’t like supervising yard work of tech troubles, I want to buy his Mountain Dew on sale. Guess there is a blessing I’m too old now to keep the pace I did. I just call it sad.

Wow, excellently put, Marg. I’m so tired of thinking I’m doing something wrong when I take.a good look at things, I’m battling so many not in my control and letting it get to me. Especially things said to me that are hurtful or ignorant. But I don know how to turn it off without having someone that used to be able to step back and change my perspective because they truly loved me and had a clearer view. I can thnkto myself how Steve would turn things around, but I can’t BE him to do it. I’ve trued many times. Not even my counselors have that much power. I knew ofthe line from a song saying 'without love, where would you be now?'. Right here. Alone, afraid, not trusting my decisions more, exagerating some things, downplaying others that need more attention because I’m burnt out. I hate living in this fog that never truly lifts. I can be so proactive dealing with insurance or banking, but I miss feeling inside a completeness. I don’t take any pleasure from my wins or knowledge gained because I don’t really care in this world I now live in. I wish I could find the right words beyond I just don’t want to live like this and I see no way to change it. It all goes back to having lived two thirds of my life with someone now gone. Now ive added another five years without and say yeh, I did it. The engine is running, but it’s stuck in neutral.

Fear and anxiety are very common. We’ve been thrust into a situation that was promising to give us so much happiness being turn from us. We didn’t get a vote and many no warning. Even with warning, it doesn’t make sense it’s happening to us. I still spend much time wondering why us? I’m sure every couple does. I know my anxiety is intensified just knowing this is real. My fear is how will I live my time left carrying the loss. Also because it’s been found that loneiness is a threat to our physical well being. It almost doesn’t make sense as I don’t want to be here without him. When I came home last night from buying a new bedpillow (something we reolaced every year) , I only had one.p. It dawned on me I am 64 and I never had been here before but I always assumed every new phase he would be by my side. I emptied another load of laundry with nothing if his in it. I will have no one to see how the pillow, now singular, was in the morning. I had to acknowledge I am scared too. Every single day. It’s just a sort if me now. It was not something I wanted, expected and have to accept.....tho I do it kicking and screaming. I admire those thatvdo this gracefully.

Thanks Kay. I made Ally get out of bed early this morning and opened the back door so no poop. Actually, I could use help there but not a fun topic. 🙂 Today is starting out even earlier with frustration and fear. My alarm was too low so I didn’t hear it. Melody didn’t either so lucky I woke up. Ally didn’t show up to greet me when I woke up or was getting dressed. Of course, I feared the worst. But she is here and doing OK. I’d been in pain for the last couple hours of sleep so walking today is going to be very bad. Getting the mail proved that. I got a message my knee appointment tomorrow is with the wrong doctor so has to be rescheduled. When I call I still need some questions answered about doing this without steroids. The doc said I could forego the steroids, but I had to call the cardiac clinic to find out the size of the cyst and now wait til the drain doc tells me if it is worth doing, I made an appointment with dermatology for my shins and ankles for next Monday and hopefully can fill out the forms on my tablet. I hate sitting and doing that in the offices. Have a televisit with the back surgeon next week as well as my doc That makes 4 appointments plus counseling. I’m looking for things to do every day, but these aren’t them. I was talking to my friend that was by over the weekend for tasks and showed him my calendar which is full with all med stuff and a mere 2 for yard clean up and deck maintenance. I’m really feeling the effects of losing volunteering at 6 months now. I’m so damned sick of this pandemic and all the stuff you have to do going in anywhere. I hate the masks. I hate the fear. I hate how it has created such emotional loneliness by no contact. I was reading it is the perfect trifecta for mental stress. Isolation, loss of touch and limited medical care because of not wanting it to spread. Our ER's are almost empty as they send people home if suspected of anything resembling covid. Makes me feel less safe as I have a lung condition they could turn away. I know, I know......it is what it is and we have no control over it. Only our reactions and mine are not good. Nothing to fall back on as I often hear 'thank gawd I’m not alone and have so and so'. What a difference that would make. The closet I compare this too were times we were snowed in for weeks. I was looking for something in the closet and found our board games. They’ll never be played again. It’s TV, computer and whatever small tasks I can handle here now. I know it Monday because of having to make all these phone calls. Guess I hate Mondays too.

KGrief knows no age. Yes, it’s more common the older we are. But we taste it thru loss of aunts, uncles, parents, friends as they age too. Your friends are in an awkward position right now. It’s not their fault, they just haven’t experienced a loss such as yours. I have no idea how I would have felt if this happened To me then. I’m glad you found support here. You’re a part of this family. I don’t know what I round do without them all. You may not have been married yet, but you were at the start of a life you both planned together. I don’t know if you had plans for that, but love is love.. To lose something that special is so unfair. Your dreams were crushed before they could even happen. It might help if you brought up your boyfriend to show your friends it’s OK to talk about him. They may think it’s too hard for you when the opposite is true. At the very least, you can find out if they can be there for you. You may lose some people, but may grow closer to others. You may have already done this. I wish I could offer more, but your situation is no one I traveled. As you travel it, I’ll learn too. We all educate each other thru support. Support each other by sharing (education). It’s a life saving system. The biggest education I got was the transformation of sympathy to true empathy. 🦋

Losing yourself on top of everything? Yes, truly the cherry on top. And not a good one. I miss me that I knew for 60; years. These last 4 have made my only companion a stranger, me. I see sparks, but not a compete person. It’s like I live in several different worlds. It’s an awful feeling. I’m glad you have Kodie. Tho he’ll not erase the triggers or painful memories. Those we will carry forever.

That’s ALL you got accomplished by 2pm, Kay? I have to laugh because I’d be wiped out for the day. I start at noon tho, so maybe it’s just the timing. It’s 2 now and all I’ve done is dress, feed us and post a few replies. Oh,I threw the ball for Melody. Just planning on getting a paper and food donation in. Then a shower. I did too much yesterday so pain levels are way high. I’m wondering how I wil make a doc appointment for my knee Tuesday. Something is going goofy as I get lightheaded way too much. Haven’t changed anything so natural concern is something new in the mix. Or I’m just too stressed out. I mentioned (so my fault as I walked right into it) Ally pooping in the house to my Sunday companion and she shot back if I was thinking of putting her down ( I abhor that term). Gosh, I say sarcastically to myself, I never think about that day coming when she is over 15! Why this woman can’t just say something like 'I’m sorry to hear that' or 'what a mess' and leave it at that. I don’t know how I’ll pull off our Zoom chat this afternoon as I don’t want to argue semantics and get more stressed and talking itself will be regarding anything. I wish I wasn’t dependent on her for dog care if something happens to me. I really wish I could have a long cry or scream just to unload. Youre definitely used to your community like I am mine. I want the big stores within a few minutes drive and will put up with the traffic. Wait in line at fast food for an hour? No thanks, but we have tons of them so it isn’t a problem. I can see how it would not help with your food restrictions tho. I agree about Marg. Sharp mind tho she denies it. Marg, you are a gem! Quick too! This from a person that took hours looking for a pill,bottle and found it in the washer by accident. Had I not added something I never would have found it til it was too late. Fell in while I was loading something else and must have set it down on the side. I have no choices but to accept how hard it is to walk now. My life would be so much easier if I could at least move somewhere close to a normal person. I use a cart to my car often with one item just to lean on. It’s a real self esteem killer.

I’m almost afraid to say anything, but this is about sharing experience and going into my 6thyear is proving to be the hardest challenge I’ve ever faced. I factor in my being much older, the pandemic, a long history of losses and seeing there will be more as I get more limited by age. This is only counting loss by death, not loss of other relationships from distance or not fitting anymore, which hurt to at that age as they are stilll there but you can’t connect with them anymore. That’s a whole different pain. Its all so individual. Some find ways to channel that grief into a different life that will always have the pain but they still live. Some get stuck because circumstances just wind up creating a prison. I’m in the latter from physical prevention of attempts of things I’d like to try but just cannot. Many would be avenues to more social interaction which I desperately need. That can’t happen sitting here alone. I wont insult you by saying you are young and have so much time. You've faced something no one my age at the time ever did. Support must be even harder as you may have no one in your peers that could possibly understand fully what you are enduring, I hope being with us helps somewhat. You were just starting your life with another. It was much too soon to end. I wish I had some wisdom for facing that at your age, but I do know losing the one you love the most in the world is devastating. Don’t bow to the pressure to get better. I don’t even know what that means from the people around you. Go back like it never happensed? That won’t happen. Feel what you have every right to feel. It comes to finding who can you support you in the ways you need. Some might be there for anything, others for certain things. This is your journey and you do it your way.

I haven’t had someone come that close, but close enough. I don’t know what I’d do, probably what you did. Way back when, before the loss, I definitely would have said something to them about the resemblance and then Steve when I got home. He’d probably have said did you grab him like you do me to kid me about it. That’s a huge trigger I would have been so blindsided by, Kieron. How did you handle it after getting away?

I’m so sorry, Gin. So hard to see your brother that way and maybe never again. I hope you do. Yes, to many losses. M pay heartfelt thoughts for you. 🦋

That time of year! I hear the nightingales calling for mates all night. I little less every few days. Summer love! 🦆

Doc visit leading to more specialist visits. A med change also. Another morning of usual pain and some extra from added bending last night. Woke up thinking again......why and where the hell is Steve? Just got the latest Psychology Today and it’s all about grief. I’m sure a lot has to do with the pandemic, but I certainly plan on scouring it for any wisdom. I was watching an interview with Gwyeth Paltrow on Fallon last night and she was talking about weeks she went in despair until finding that we are living in a time that will go down in history no one had ever seen. Feeling alone and bitterly sarcastic, I was yeah, I know but you are with your husband and kids and Skyping with all your close friends. Feeling sorry for myself? You betcha. I’m tired of keeping that inside like it is something bad. Who made that rule? Adding pressure not to acknowledge it. I sometimes feel a relief valve, even if small, when I allow myself that indulgence. We can’t be strong all the time. I couldn’t do it before my life was turned upside down and younger, why would I be able to now? I’m so sick of pretending so much. I vent here and to my counselors. I get tired of being told I’m stronger than I feel anymore from peers so I don’t talk about it. Maybe I would feel more that way if it wasn’t so taboo. I don’t know if any of you experience that. All I know is not being able to be who I am in the moment has been twisting me in knots. I have good and bad times and the outside doesn’t like the bad so I have to stuff it down making it worse. This is like an epiphany. I don’t think it’s natural for everyone, I don’t care if we are much older, to be wiser and accepting all the time. But try and talk about it and I, at least, see people faces saying...another whiner. I don’t do it all the time. I talked to a nursing home buddy last night and it was really nice. I don’t approach the world as a Debbie Downer, but I have to acknowledge my limits. Like walkinglong distances or fear about an aging dog I’ll have to go thru alone.b these are valid. They are parts of me. I can still congratulate my buddy who is getting a puppy, or someone that takes time to chat. Well, it began asthe usual blah day and went steadily downhill. At least the AC is set up and the dog pod bin filled. It was good to see our buddy. It had been almost a month. After he left life went back to its challenges. Nasty day too. Looking foward to my nap. I found this article I’m failing miserably at....but it makes sense. Something I seem to be lacking.

That was the problem, I couldn’t lay my head down enough. Salons are able to wash and condition hair fast. But I can’t see going to one3 times a week. I was jus hoping for th fancy stuff as I use Sauve or whatever is on sale. ally pooped in bed again. Guess this is going to be her schedule. So far I’d rather that as the bed coverings or smaller to wash when needed. It just breaks my heart for hr dignity. Not that she feels that emotion. Power outages are ALWAYS a pain. So much stuff to reset when it comes on. And why can’t they happen during the day? I hate lighting all kinds candles I have to get out. I have some strategically placed, but not enough.

Finally got my hair cut today. Took off 4 inches. Drove home with my hair down. Haven’t had it down in months except to dry. I’m glad that it’s done, but sure miss that I like it down, but that was because I was with someone. This gives me time between washings as showers are intense being disabled. I couldn’t even get it washed being unable to put my head totally down, tho other places usually worked more with me with a rolled up towel. But crossed off my list anyhow. Talked with my doc today and supposed to get a knee drained next week and schedule a dermatology appointment for my legs. Just when I thought I was free of tests or procedures for awhile. Gonna call the drain people and have them look at the scans and see if uts big enough to make this worth it. The procedure is intense enough, but have to add in the walk from the parking lot. This means charging my portable oxygen to carry in too. I don’t want to take chances of getting lightheaded. It’s times like this, as much as I hate lockdown, I’d rather just dive into bed hoping this was yet another nightmare. Went by the community center to donate again and again they gave me food of which I mostly turned down. Just took some chicken and rice for my kids. I told them I did not need it, but they insisted. The positive today was my youngest dog did not throw up this morning. She had for a couple of days. I’m still trying to figure out why, in a house with drool towels, throw rugs, a carpet pad by the back door, she thinks the carpet is better.

Karen, my AC is a portable unit. Kinda looks like a droid from Star Wars. I want to get a window unit as this takes up space and a hassle moving in and out. But as with most things, the motivation has been drained significantly. Would have to involve the alarm company for the best window to put it in. Most homes here have window units. A buddy got a new furnace that keeps their house at whatever temp they set but not officially with AC. She doesn’t know how it does it. That cost them 17 grand tho. I used to be able to turn my furnace on to just blow air, but it didn’t help. I hear ya on vacuuming and changing beds. Mine’s a king so it’s trips around it many times for each layer. Huge sheets that were just dandy a few years ago. I got a nice surprise this morning. My elder dog has been unknowingly pooping in her sleep. Usually easy to pick up and toss in the toilet. This morning it was loose and my oxygen tube was In it. Had to clean that up before going back to sleep. Time to prepare for my doctor video visit. I already know it’s not going to be very productive for the big stuff. But I need some refills and test results explained. Then I want to get out and get weekend traditional fare. Maybe Taco Bell for tonight and a sub for the weekend. Safeway is supposed to have neat loaves on sale, but they always run out. Gonna call first this time. They won’t give rain checks because of the pandemic. Don’t really get that. But, as you said, it is what it is.

I’m just curious, Kieron. Isn’t doing anything online subject to being accessed if someone wanted to hack in? I used to journal on my iPad, but now that I think about it, I suppose someone could getvin here and see anything I do. I guess nothing we do that involves a computer is truly safe or absolutely private.