Gwenivere

I think it becomes a normal phenomena. Often I can’t distinguish between if it was real or not. All the physical stuff is still there, but the longer he has been gone, the stranger it seems to me. A grill I never used. What is it doing here? A bedside table that is so simple. No sleep mask or Kindle laying there. Why are all those yard tools in the garage? Why do I have so many pots, pans, loaf pans and culinary cutlery? How come I can exactly guess how long anything can be microwaved but forget how long to bake a potato or the temp to bake a chicken? How did all that stuff materialize on the 4 long shelves in his room? Why do I have bottles of vodka I never drink? Why do people often laugh leaving a message in my machine saying It's so creative? Why do I dive for the the phone so I don’t have to hear it? The longer the time, the less associated I am as having been anything but alone. People that know me outside of here would be asking who is that guy in so many pictures in your house? Why do you overreact to death scenes in shows? Why does saying it has been 5 years sound, even to me, like I should be all better? Because I once had what seems like a fairy tale, but it was a truly fulfilling reality. Good and bad, lawn and kitchen tools used on a daily basis. Microwave only used occasionally. Raw foods in the fridge. A bed that needed to be made every morning, not just one side folded over and done. Races to use the shower. Help folding sheets. A note still there to remind me a T shirt not to dry. Only in sleep do I find a world I can feel normal in now. But that has changed because of physical pain intruding. Alone and getting old. One dog left that immediately jolts me to another life filled with activity and routines now abandoned for new ones that are solitary to us both. Apnother dog that never existed there. Yet she is at home here. And this voice in my head that be heard so easily saying my name. Saying he loved me every day. These crazy nicknames I never hear anymore. Ones I made up and never call anyone now. Yup, it was real. So real. Otherwise, this being alone wouldn’t be so.........excruciatingly lonely.

I made it to the doc and he couldn’t find anything worth draining! It was so hard walking in and out, undressing and dressing and laying on a slab. So no pain relief but definitely more cause for pain. What a deal! Plus 2 nurses called for a weekly check in that I put off til next week. I then went to a store I had to return something and took a shower when I got home from that gel they use for ultrasounds. Way too much stuff today. On the plus side, I picked up Taco Bell’s newest enchilada and a resident at Foss I’m friends with called and we caught up on various frustrations. A quick nap and back to the usual. Have a televisit with my doc tomorrow I don’t want to do, but all I have to do is sit at my desk. Then I want to be left alone by med people. I look back on all this mess and having just had to get Ally in as she struggled and just want to cry. I want Steve. I just can’t get out from under that. News was bad about the virus. I don’t like this world anymore.

@widow'15 Ally definitely has a wound between her paw toes. They suggested a cone, but that will make her instability worse. I’m keeping an eye on it for now. Will call a vet if I survive this week. @kayc the surgery is not out and they can’t predict how long rehab would be. Guess was 1-2 weeks. I don’t know how I feel about anything but depressed. Darkly depressed. It’s been non stop phone med calls and a tree quote since I got up. Digestion is awful. I’d say I want a normal Friday, but there is no such thing. @KarenK I do have a placard. It’s a huge place tho, places a premium and still a long walk in. People with partners are dropped off by the door. Much easier. My only hope is this appointment doesn’t make anything worse. I would normally not wear my compression socks as they arechard to take off, but I don’t know if they prevent that leg going dead thing. So that will add aggravation physically. The guy that came to look at the tree had an artificial arm and missing 3 fingers in the other. Train accident. He was upbeat, was happy he could walk. said he and his wife would pray for me and at first I thought, was this sent to humble me? I think it’s great he has his attitude and his wife. I’m not going to compare as I’m not going to invalidate my reality. There is always someone worse or better with adversity. So much of mine revolves around Steve not being here. That is my burden to carry and it’s as real as it gets. I didn’t tell him I was a widow. You all know the replies and facial expressions from those that haven’t experienced it. Wasn’t any point to it for getting a tree cut down unlike medical complexities. We are all valid in our feelings and how we choose to handle them. I have to keep that in mind. I try and make changes for my sanity where I can. Sometimes it’s not possible, others I have. Only we can judge what works and what doesn’t. Even if we stay in something stubbornly. It’s all our choice. I hate when someone points that out to me as I’m aware of it. That is why I hold my tongue when I see it in others as I understand it. That’s what I treasure here. Tolerance, caring and respect. Saw Shaq on Fallon last night and he said make sure you tell the people that matter sooner than later so we don’t miss the chance. This is mine to all of you. ❤️ Off to the doc!

I am so sorry, Joyce. Something about that number that has hit a couple us us lately. I guess because it’s lIke a marker. Maybe a time we thought if we ever got to it might be better and we find it isn’t. But not a time to figure that out. I send you all my thoughts and biggest hugs today. Dale loved you so very much, you will never lose that. ❤️❤️❤️

Had a visit with the back surgeon. Found out I was assessed as high risk, because of my lung problems, for it. I was sad and glad. Hard to describe but sad that it could be done with lots of extra tests but not bad enough they said no. Glad that it had only worsened a bit, tho living with that it’s huge. He said rehab for a week or two. I asked if Steve was here, would I have gotten to come home and he said yes. That gutted me, made me feel sorry for myself and really angry at Steve. I can’t fathom, nor afford, someone living with me for that long. I don’t want to go back to that hell of rehab either. This doesn’t cover my vascular problems which cause pain too that no one has any answers on. Supposed to go in and have my knee drained tomorrow. Hope I can make the walk. Hope they don’t make things worse. I told them no steroids but forgot no epinephrine for anesthetic. Hope they have the other stuff. Saturday a televisit with my PCP. I’M FED UP! Sick if it all! Now the pulmonologist has moved up my visit also. Blather, blather. Ally is still hanging in there. I lose sleep in the morning giving her an extra pain pill now. Had to get a mobile vets number if her paw gets worse with her licking it. The Shape of Water was running last night. Really moved me seeing it again. The love. The bond formed. Romances usually gag me, but this was cool by the very characters communicating their love being so very different. As the narrator said at the end, no one knows if they ived happily ever after, but we want to believe they did.

The absolute worst part of my day is waking up. I’ve been doing so in panic. I don’t know how much of the reality I have to live I can keep taking. I get hit with some bad memory now. I’ve been so depressed my mind goes there. Not something that was great and gives me the fuzzies to say, at least I had that. When I shift to one, I get more bummed out. I hate living in fear. Fear of my mind, fear of my body, fear of the now and future. Endless sleep sounds so good. There isn’t one human being that needs me for anything in the world. Doctors want to fix all kinds of things, some with extreme measures. And for what? Less pain and discomfort, yes. But they can’t fix what’s not tangible. Now people really don’t want to get involved beyond their established friends or family because of the virus. I think about when Steve died and sooooo many people were upset. Most of those same people would be upset if it had been me, but for HIM. I did have a couple people it would have impacted. Everyone is gone now. It’s strange knowing you’d only be noticed if someone heard about it in passing. I’m still wondering about the timing of all this. If ever I needed someone, it’s been this last year and poof! My connections vanished. This feels like some lab test to see how much it takes to break a person.

You said everything so perfectly, Tamera. Every word echoes how feel. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I so feel for you and everyone that lost 'the one'. I will never have that again and am so tired of outsiders saying 'never say never'. Some of us know this is the truth. Some did find others here, but they knew they are in a 4 person relationship now. I’m happy for them. It’s not in my future tho. I don’t as much struggle with acceptance as I do with the daily living in a void that will repeat endlessly til I leave too. I hate that even getting out it bed means hours of this emptiness.

I dream about Steve. In the beginning it was very frequent. Now, years later, it’s not very common. Or I’ll see him but it’s not a very intense dream. Like we’re used to running into each other, kinda like day to day living. I’ve had some odd things happen since he left that I could attribute as signs if I wanted to. Some people feel that very strongly. They know it is a sign. I think our minds gravitate to what gives any source of relief from the pain. I do talk to him at times when it is something I really need to say to him. I have lit a candle for him every night since he died and have complained to him when it needs a new one when I am settled in as it would be like him to not tell me something that was needed way back when. Good thing no one sees and hears the old lady grumbling and limping down the hall to get another one saying.....geez.....now? Not earlier when I was up and back here? I can only see him in my mind around the house in familiar ways. I understand your wanting to feel him. When that overtakes me is inconsolable sobbing and I do still do that. I hunger for him. A brush of my hair, a hug, anything. It’s called 'skin hunger' and very real. I’ve gotten lots of hugs since he left but they don’t fix it or give me solace beyond the short time they are happening. Not like his that could last me til the next one. Make me feel everything is OK. I don’t know why some feel things and some don’t. I hope you do as I imagine it feels very good, even tho it is sad.

I surely hope Kelli gets good news, Marg. Any idea how long til she will know? It would be so great to never have to feel those sidecffects again. Arthritic finger crossed!

I can get in home health helpmcisuts, but it’s out of pocket. I don’t know what Medicare provides, if anything. But a dictionary, nurse or ARNP? Nope, no coming to houses unless it is like Steve had for hospice care. We could get his nurse out here just about any time. I hate going to the docs anymore. It’s all changed with strict time allotment unlike in the past when big business didn’t have them schedule too many people a day. I’ll forget things and have to email my doc Nd then it takes time for him to get back to me. I also have so much trouble walking now. Simetimes I’m not sure I can make it. The virtual visits are OK. It’s not the same tho. The virus definitely made that happen. I don’t know if things will ever be even close to the way they were before it. The only thing I know is I’ll still be confronting massive challenges getting care because of my aging limits.

There comes a time we have to surrender to knowing we will never get the answers. Especially answers that will bring any sense of peace. I’m not sure I feel confusion anymore, just pain and longing. I don’t know how many hours,days, weeks, months I’ve gone over my questions and just wound up in tears. The fantasy wish they will come back or as Kay said we could have prevented it. I have to search every day for purpose now. Reason to keep going. The pandemic almost makes it easier to not feel social pressure. But then, it makes it even lonelier. There’s just no balance in any of this.

Add in the virus, Kay. People aren’t as willing to swing by amid all this fear. It so sucks being alone for this stuff. I always ask why they do things differently as they did to you, but the answers often confuse me. So unless it involves incapacitating me, I have to trust they kno more than me in most cases. someties have known more because I know my body. That thing that used to be my friend and is now something I have to live in with its many demands. . I hope you figure something out. I don’t even have any neighbors I could call, nor friends. I always thought living alone would just be loneliness. Never factored in physical need. Kinda like going from a renter to a homeowner. No one to call to fix it for us.

Your post made me cry, Marg. It’s so insightful and true about not worrying about anyone else’s reaction. And we are not obligated to keep our grief hidden to make things easier for others, close or strangers. After another particularly hard day seeing a dermatologist that got me nowhere as I expected, I got to thinking about the term soulmates. I was missing Steve about this latest trek with medicine and how I’d love to vent to him and see his frustration as well. I was in the bedroom and saw the framed picture we have of two wolves with that saying. (Wolves mate for life and we both loved the beauty of them and social families they built). I got to thinking about fate. i don’t believe in fate. I think, if we are very lucky, we meet that someone we become soulmates with. I dated and married other men, but never had that connection. Steve and I didn’t in the beginning when in lust phase. It is when we started getting to know each other on the inside things changed. I had been head over heels in love before. Had spent endless months lost when it ended. Could see no future. But with him, I gave him more than my love and my heart. I came to trust and love him in a way like no other and gave him my soul. That was more, it was everything. It was more than my heart, love and body. I entrusted him with the total essence that is me. It wasn’t conscious. It happened naturally because he was the one. Had I never met him, I don’t know if someone would have crossed my path and I would maybe have had a marriage and love, but nothing like what I experienced. I wouldn’t have even known what I missed. Why was he the one? I don’t know, but he was. I’ve always looked at couples and felt I.could see the ones that were soulmates as opposed to 'conventional' closeness. It’s impossible to describe, but I see it. It’s why I think that those that had it can’t settle for anything less again. It’s Steve or Dale or Bob or Rose Ann or Mark forever. We may develop closeness with another, but it will never be that. I know lightning can strike the same place twice, but not in this case. As I said, it was a bad day and no one came to mind but him. I had bad days before in other relationships and I might mention it, but would handle it mostly alone. I wish I could find the words to say exactly what I feel. Maybe that’s because of if it because with him, I wouldn’t have to. Our language was our own 'dialect'. He would understand so easily and take so much of the weight off by his existence and owning my soul. i just gave myself a headache. And fresh out of Steve in my medicine cabinet as always.

Being in the position that I knew I was going to lose my husband, it didn’t change the outcome obviously. But I understand how you, Ana, and you, Tamara, got blindsided. That would be like me telling Steve to get a prostate test out of the blue. It was not something I would ever think of in our day to day lives. Or him having a heart attack when he was an avid cyclist and did 40 mile treks often. It never crossed my mind. II would hate to see either of you make yourselves feel worse with regrets about something you could not have known was going to happen. Yes, if you did you would have spent more time together. Done some things sooner and been able to talk more about your paths together ending. I wish you would have gotten that time. You were living as most people do, tho. You can’t anticipate grief, there was no need to. This reminds me of my dad talking about armchair quarterbacking the day after the game. You didn’t marry or move in years before because of reasons in yourself that are valid. You certainly had no motive to shortchange your time with them and I’m guessing these decisions were discussed. Shoulds are very common and can haunt you forever. It’s just my opinion, but I hope you can free yourself from them. Know you were living life with them the way it was with no guilt. You loved them totally and they you. That us what truly matters.

You asked the most obvious question. Perhaps there is some blasphemy in it not being from the Bible. What is scary is many can go back and unsee things. Or maybe they never really saw them at all. History keeps repeating itself in so many ways. We gain some enlightenment that made sense all along and something else needs the same. We see it in war and protests but there are so many venues. It’s like grief used to be a year of wearing black and bam! You’re free! You can wear colors again, so it’s over. I’m just glad all the things never talked about openly are now. People are starting, still a long way to go, to see they can voice what they feel. What is sad is if it gets them hurt which does still happen. I don’t know what goes on inside the head of someone who would lash out physically at someone for their belief or opinion. I don’t like many things I hear, but all I have to do is walk away. I don’t do losing battles with anyone who won’t at least meet me halfway. thatvis what I expect from people regarding my grief and pretty much wound up with no one after 5 years. I don’t make it a theme, but it’s a part of me it seems they want gone for good. I can’t comply.

I cannot imagine anyone not impressed with C.S. Lewis and his ability to write about good and evil in a way so many could hear, including non believers such as myself. I would watch the movies and think if there IS a god, this one I could see believing in. That takes a brilliant mind to reach so many of so many different thinking. Yes, you were smart. I was hooked from the first one and bought the book which has so many other stories. It sounds to me, and I mean no offense, that your Baptist friends had a very nrrow vision. This is a huge world and has to accept we all don’t see things alike. I remember debates with the nuns growing up asking....are you telling me my friend who is not Catholic is denied heaven even tho they are moral and good? Thus could get too religious to post. All I am trying to say is every culture has a belief that, at the roots, is the same. Someone or thing that loves and cares about us. Names for it may be different, that’s about it. Ive never done Kindle. I like the feel of a book in my hands. The smell of it. Weird, eh? I like bookmarks to see my progress and quickly see if I have time for another chapter. Unfortunately I can read the computer screen better. I’ll have to get new glasses one of these days I’m not seeing a doctor for all the other crap. It’s probablt the computer that messed me up! 🤪

My heart breaks for you. It’s so hard to have your beginnings crushed so suddenly. Of course you didn’t have enough time. What you are feeling is normal, and you will hate that word soon. Grief is cruel and the 'normal' it forces on us is anything but that. As it hasn’t been a month, you are in shock mode because things like this don’t happen to us. I was 58 and had over 30 years and 5 since then. It’s still not right. Your dreams have been shattered. Your plans are gone. You are now lost and it’s dark, cold and empty. We here all know exactly what that feels like. Anything you want to write will be understood as it’s a language only the survivor understands. We all deal with the outside world and try as they might, they won’t understand unless it’s happened to them. Nothing makes sense anymore. I hope you will share your pain. We can’t fix it, no one can, but we can listen and possess the empathy so needed at this time and for this now new journey you never wanted. If you want ideas, we have them, if you just want to get it out, we listen. If you want to scream turn on your cap lock and do it. It’s not rude here. You will feel things you never expected and validation is abundant here. So, yes, you feelings are normal. Expected. Part of this horrid experience. There is wisdom here you will gain too. It just costs so darned much. 💔

You nailed it again, Marg. We already live real life, I like going to other places more pleasant because they don’t contain this reality. I do that with other series that aren’t fantasy. They may contain tragedies, but their not MY tragedy. Their fictional too. They get to me at times, but unlike in the past I really see these are actors and go home at the end of the day. I don’t know if anyone’s into sci fi, but I got into the remakes of the Star Trek movies when the characters were young and one did actually die in real life in a car accident. It was so sad and it changed how I saw the movies in repeats. 25-30 pages for sex stuff? LOL. Yah, I’d have to skip that and I would have even years ago. I either want to do it or just tell me briefly it’s happening and let’s get back to the story, I can fill in the blanks. I was more into the time line thing in Outlander before I lost interest for some reason. I remember the moral dilemma she was in being married to someone that half the time didn’t exist yet. I currently trying to watch True Deective, which is good, but I’m so distracted by my real life. It’s annoying and draining. Makes me mad too when I’m not crying. Late night reruns the original Charmed which I like. Witches, demons, nymphs, leprechauns, what’s not to like? Karen, notvsurprised you liked Lord of the Rings. We bought them too after renting them. Did you see The Hobbit? Oh yes, Chronicles of Narnia! Definitely a keeper. Aslan, portrayed as 'god' in lion form, is awesome. Religious but not. Basic good and evil, but spun so cleverly your swept up in it. And he is only a guide, not making the decisions for anyone. I can relate to that if a diety exists. I have C.S. Lewis’s book about his wife and struggle with her death, A Grief Observed. Have only made it a few pages because he is such an intense writer.

I was so hooked on that show! It became one of my favorites. It is a great mix of fairy tales and Disney. Does wake up a little kid inside if you liked that stuff. I was always wondering what new characters they would add for awhile to create clever plots. My favorite character is Regina, the evil queen and mayor. Oh, and Rumplestiltskin/Mr. Gold.

If you told him and showed him your love, he knew. That is a doubt I hope you don’t have to carry. There’s so many ways we tell them beyond words and intimacy. Little things that speak louder than words. Things we might even do for others but take in a special meaning for our loves. The perfect card, making a special favorite meal, buying something because you know they’d love it. They’re always on our minds. That is something I’ve never lost. I often see things I would have bought him or things I used to that were his favorite. It’s hard to get that kick in the gut. Even sitting here at this moment typing this was time we spent watching a movie after a dinner out because it’s saturday. I never passed up a time to make sure he knew he was loved. Even if it was teasing him or getting on him for leaving a mess. His bathroom picture us covered in post it notes I left him. Layers on layers. All with a heart at the end. So if you loved him, which you did, he knew. Just as I knew he did me by the very same things

Kieron, my youngest is such a wimp (I cut all animals slack on firecrackers and vacuums), I once dropped a canned chicken can when she was licking it out as a pup and to this day she will not do it. She’s so high strung. I can put it on the ground and she still doesn’t trust it. If my pick up stick falls over you’d think it transformed into some horrid viper. Drop a bag of chips that crinkles.....Zoom, she is gone! Haven’t heard too much noise here yet, but the night is still young. Hoping I don’t have to sedate her up will as she glues herself to me and becomes a tripping hazard. I hope your kitty is with you many more years, an advantage cats have over dogs. Marg, sounds like Nawlins really misses her mommy. 😫 thank you, Dee. I know you went thru so much with Maddie. Ally managed to plead me with her eyes to shut the driveway gate so she could go out. Usually don’t on Saturdays as I don’t have to trek for mail on Sunday. Sometimes I wonder who is the alpha.

I’m just going to say one more thing about this. A hard thing I’m thinking today, even knowing I did the right thing getting prepared. I’m having a very hard day today looking in her eyes knowing I am essentially planning her death. I’ve been thru this so many times but with STEVE!!! I feel like a monster inside. I’m much better at emergencies than this. It was the same when he died. I focused on the immediate task at hand. I never looked at the finish line. I couldn’t. Now I am tho I don’t know when and find it torturous. I feel guilty when she comes to me or I pet her. We made these decisions usually the night before going back and forth on yes and no. No amount of saying I am doing the right thing is helping. I look at that beautiful, precious kid of mine and feel so horrible. *********************** I just called my grief counselor and she stressed working to replace these negative thoughts with ones of doing this from love and said I was a great dog mom. That I knew this was coming, it was better than having no plan if something happened and to now file it all away and love and enjoy Ally as much as possible. It’s hard to do watching her struggle at times, my floors covered with sheets for accidents, but she’s moving around a lot which is good. My cousin had also said they often tell us when it’s time. Thank you for all the support. It’s the circumstances that are so different. It’s Steve not being here that has stirred up so much more and Ally being so symbolic of my last tie to what was once a wonderful life. It doesnt help that every time I move it’s in pain. Hard to keep balanced when you are assaulted on all fronts. I just tried something neutral cleaning the birdcage and poured the water cup onto the liner pan on top of the paper instead of the sink. I’m definitely in la la land. Im going to go for a trifecta and see if I can replace my mail alarm without a problem.

That is funny, Kay. Hasn’t happened with thecdogs, but I have done the major search for something and found it sometimes in odd places, others right on me. Once I knocked my bottle of nicotine lozenges into the washer. It was purely accidental I found that by adding something else for later. I just figured I must have imagined I got a new one out. I thought I was the only one that took collars off at night. It’s a signal to the kids to settle in for the night. Since I don’t take them on walks, the leashes have meaning too. Vet or groomers. Melody hates it so I’m thinking I need to take her on rides with no trauma even tho she doesn’t care for the car. I just hate seeing her extra scared.

Your deepest secret is one many of us have or have had. That you see how it would impact your family is very caring on your part. It’s very hard to keep going forward when you just don’t care anymore. I felt that when he died and very intensely this last year, when I hit 5. As I said before, you were robbed of your plans of a future with him. I was robbed of sharing what we built over a lifetime now that we were planning on kicking back and enjoying no responsibilities beyond what we chose. I hope your therapy is helping with the guilt you often mention. That is such a useless emotion in this circumstance. If love couldhavecsaved him, it would have. I know all of us had that and lost to nature anyway. I don’t know what happens after they are gone, but to leave knowing you are loved has to make a huge difference. When my time comes, I won’t have that. Friends and children are important, but they are not.....him.

It’s been over 5 years now, and I got blindsided by another first. I gotta wonder, when do they stop? Like you, Dee, and others here, can we ever let our guard down? Grief just never sleeps. The only thing longer time does is little longer breaks before it rears up to remind us it’s never moving out. That there will never be safety from its influence.