WolfsKat

Dear Forever..........no, I cannot, and would not , make that decision for you. But, all I can offer you, is this......he WILL be with you, and your child, wherever you might choose to abide.....the love would draw him, the place is irrelevant. You have to do what you know, in your heart, is the best decision for both you and your child......I think you actually already know what that is, you've no need to seek validation from others. But, from what I feel.....you've no need to worry about his "knowing" where you've went....he will be with you, always, no matter when or where......it's the love that is a magnet, not a physical space on this earth! Wishing you blessings and peace...xo

After losing my beloved Connor 9 months and 4 days ago (will I always count the time?) I felt as if my time here in FL was over. My family all live back "home" in Michigan, I moved down here in 2004. Although I did miss my family, Connor could've never dealt with winters up there, and I was totally content to abide here, with him. But the yearning to live close to my family again grew stronger after his passing....I have a few good friends down here, but, no family. But I saw no way for me to financially be able to return to Michigan to live, working full time here and knowing that a full time position in my company would not be given if I were to move.....I felt trapped here! But, I had an appointment w/Soc.Sec. last week.....found out that I can receive a monthly widow benefit and still earn up to $15,720.00 a year in working income, which would be a part time job for me! I would actually have MORE income than by me working full time, as I do now! I was surprised, to say the least. So, I've made a big decision. In January, I will "step down" to part time in my company, and start the monthly benefit checks...not only that, I plan to move back to Michigan in late April/early May. Still working out how best to accomplish this.....how to arrange a job transfer (the company allows this for part time), the actual physical moving, etc.......but I have some time for the details. It's exciting and scary at the same time....definitely a leap of faith. With that monthly check from Soc.Sec....I feel that Connor is still "looking out" for me.....I'm certain he is cheering me on to make a new life. It will not be a "better life".....I had the BEST life with Connor alongside me......but I think better than my life has been since he passed over. It is a bit daunting......reinventing my life yet again.....but, for the first time since Connor left.....I feel as though I've a chance for some measure of a bit of happiness/contentment.....and will have the comfort of knowing that I have my family, once again, close by. Will be flying up in a few weeks to visit & go to my family reunion (1st time in 12 years!)......and will take time to look at a few parks I might choose to live in. I just have to believe that this is falling into place for a reason......and continue to have faith!

M GO BLUE!!!! Butch, I hope you are enjoying my adopted state.....and, yes, the heat here is nigh unto unbearable at times! I think I will enjoy the cooler Michigan summers when I move back up there.....although the winters will make me shudder!

Music was a way to connect, early on in our online relationship.....my Connor and I would "send" each other a song a day.....something we thought embodied what we felt for one another, until he finally moved here to begin our life together.. Most all of those songs were played at our wedding/reception....the last time was at his memorial service. All of those cherished songs, music we both loved......almost 9 months later, and I still can NOT bring myself to listen to even one. Perhaps one day I can.....but right now? No way. The pain would be too intense.

<3

First off, NO....I am not imminently suicidal.......perhaps in the first few horrible weeks, but no, not now. BUT.......having lost my beloved brother, mom, and my wonderful husband in the space of a year, I do admit that I feel as though I'm only remaining to spare my kids/family from yet another death, and the subsequent pain. I'd not wish my grief on anyone! I will not end life at my own hand, but, when I express that if, should something befall me.....that the ones I leave behind should have some happiness that I am (finally) reunited with all of those that have passed over, especially my husband Connor......they react with horror, fear, and anger that I would voice such a sentiment. I'd think that they should be happy to be given a reason to find some comfort, in the event of my passing over! Am I wrong in my thinking?

Dear Finch.........of course she was......and I believe with all of my heart that she was, in fact, "with you" in your journey, even if not in the physical sense. She would be happy for you to have made the trip, and wanting you to find some happiness and peace.....and wishing that you knew just how much more happiness would be in your future.....even without her! Honor the love you two shared by trying ( yes, I know how hard it IS) to live what you have of your life here, fully.....she would wish that for you, as I know you'd wish that for her, were the circumstances reversed. Be well, try to be happy, and be at peace.

Oh, how I've often, too often felt just that......begged God to just "rewind the tape".......I'd do better! And the recurring hope that this was just some sort of horrible "test"...and, if I did well, he would be allowed to come back.....I think you know what I mean. I so wish that you....none of us here, actually.......have the need to avail ourselves of this forum, but.....here we are. All of us torn apart.....our souls rended.....bewildered, angry, in agony at losing the one person who we loved totally in this life....who we cannot imagine living this life without....yet....we must. We have to find something to anchor us to this life.....you have your beautiful child, who is a physical embodiment of the love that you and your beloved had together....there is a old saying "Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life".......this has been true for me, and I hope it will be for you. Wishing you some measures of comfort, and hopes for a brighter future than you believe there is for you right now. Peace.

My first Christmas w/out my Connor was made much easier by my friends/family up in Michigan conspiring to get me an airline ticket to "home" up there.....Connor & I had never been up there for Christmas, so that helped.....it was a truly wonderful experience for me, as I'd not been "home" for Christmas in 11 years.....I did have a few "moments".....but overall, it was healing, in a sense. This one upcoming will be different. I can't go up due to work obligations.....I will be alone. Honestly, I wish there were some way to obliterate the pain I know I will feel then......the feeling of total "alone-ness"...but.....trying not to dwell on what is still a date in the future......NO one here to be with that day, wish I could just fast-forward....would rather just work, but will be closed. It is surely horrible to lose any joy in Christmas.

What a beautiful, and poignant message to your beloved wife........rest assured, you gave her a wonderful gift in her life...that of knowing you loved her so absolutely......it is not a small thing! Wishing you, and your family, all of the blessings that she would want for you!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((KAY))))))))))))))))))))))))) many many hugs for you......<3

Oh my........guess I should not admit that not only do I not care for ice cream much (maybe a pint a year?) I'm not overly fond of chocolate, either! Mea culpa!

Dear People Thank you for the "welcome back"........I've missed many of you, and have kept you in heart/prayer. I'm coming up on 8 months.....it is still such a hard, lonely journey that I think I "need" to come here.......I may cry a lot, going through your posts, but I think it is cathartic, in a sense. And NO one else in my current life "gets" this grief. Most of you understand, all too well....again, my thanks. Kat

All I know is......when this thread started, I just up and quit coming here. I hated the feeling of dissension and questioning......I know that due to my being in the "early" stages of losing a beloved spouse, I am perhaps over-sensitive. It just felt like....I don't know......like a "safe place" to voice grief was no longer safe. That there would be pettiness, bickering over who would be allowed to voice their feelings.......that some grief was more "valid" than others........I am a coward when it comes to such.....I'd rather just go away, and try to deal on my own.......this is my first time back in months. Cannot bring myself to read all of the posts, but just need to know......is this forum again a safe place? I hate discord/confrontation/negativity..........I isolate as much as possible.....but I've missed being able to voice my unending grief, here.

I appreciate even the "virtual hugs"........in person, I am "tough".....some say stand-offish.........that's my persona, my protection, my insulation in public. In reality,,,,,,,I would LOVE a real, hard, understanding.hug.......just the contact, understanding. ....I think some, if not many of you, will "get" this. I've always been the strong one.....the one others depend on......the "rock". It is so very confusing and dismaying to find that, in my own grief.....I have no one to really look to in terms of emotional support/understanding. My kids very much care, as do my brother/sister/friends.......and I appreciate that......but, I feel as if I have to appear "strong" for their sakes......I've always been the one they can rely on.....not the other way around? The only one who could've understood is my Mom.....and I lost her just 7 months before my Connor passed over.....So, I keep up the façade of being invincible.....

Dear Sherbear..........your losses are huge......NO words can truly express how very sorry I feel that you've become a part of our "group".....I welcome you, but SO wish there were no need for you to seek this out. Be kind to yourself.....do whatever it takes for you to heal a bit......you will find much in the way of solid advice, help, and hope in this forum, and in the many links provided. Please know that here, there are so very many who DO understand, and that your struggle need not be totally alone. You will be in my prayers, child.

Thank you.....all of you.......doing better today, time to come to grips and settle down emotionally. I'm so very thankful to be able to come here, and let my emotions free..........and receive understanding, and caring.........bless ALL of you!!! NO one in my "real world" would ever understand this grief!!!

Came home from work, got on the computer, and logged on to Facebook.....(only way to keep in touch with my kids) and was hit, hard......they list your "memories"......one year ago today, I was with my Connor, at Disneyworld.......of course I remember ....we were like giddy kids that day, enjoying our getaway, enjoying life, and each other.......a beautiful day with no worries, no sadness, no idea of the horrible tragedy that loomed for us in just months......I've been doing (I thought) "OK".....but this brought me to instant uncontrollable grief.........SO very happy, together......a year later.......alone, and no more happiness to have together. no more happy moments to share together..........no more US. Again......I rail at the injustice of it.....this is NOT right, this is NOT fair......all we asked for was the chance to live out our years with each other into old age......we had "paid our dues": in pain in our lives before we met......I think I will go to my grave never accepting that this tearing us apart was ever "right"........I HATE this! Sorry, I wish I could post something cheerful and upbeat and comforting.......but, it seems this hell has no end, at times. I think,we are all........very fragile......easily broken.

Prayers..........for the entire family........God send blessings, please!

Mitch......THANKS for the info......I would be darn sure I did not earn over the minimum........I could very well deal with the 71% plus about $15,000.00......it would be roughly equivalent to what I make now, working at a job I dislike full time....this gives me a glimmer of hope for escape!

NEVER!!! I love your posts!!!!! Keep on truckin' lady!!!!

Marg........you are making a positive step with everything you are doing in order to move to a new place, one you want for yourself! Starting something like a move is HUGE........a little scary, but, perhaps with a bit of hope and a dash of hopeful excitement? You have amazing courage......will look forward to your updates as to the new home!

My "positive" is that I slept pretty well, and even ate a whole piece of peanut butter toast for breakfast......appetite has been rather wonky, and some days I barely eat at all (I know, bad, but....) so guess this is positive.....if minor!

I will have a apt w/Soc.Sec in a few months.......hoping for some good news. I will turn 60 soon, and it was said that I might be able to receive 71% of Connor's benefit? But he received Social Security Disability......he was only in his early 50's so not a regular Social Security benefit check......not sure if they mean 71% of the Disability check amount? I could also still work, just cannot make much over $15,000.00 a year. If I rec'd 71% of his disability amount, I'd be thrilled with that scenario! If only working part time, I'd have plenty more time/energy to do what I used to do......sell on eBay. I have a "knack" for that, and, anything under about $20,000 a year is not reported to the IRS. I'd be able to live with that!