Cookie

Brad: I hope this doesn't make you feel bad, but what a special person your wife was. She left you a letter...that is amazing and so loving towards you. I wish I had something like that to hold onto. My husband was a very practical person, and in his last months (we only found out he was terminal 2 months before he died), he tried very hard to make everything right for me at our house, even though he was feeling so bad. I guess that's my letter. He was racing against the clock to put everything in order. I have that memory.....that shouldn't hurt to remember, but it does because I think who would ever care that much for me again in my life and now it's gone.......

hollowheart: That is the most painful of all, having had that special person who was there with you and for you and now they are gone. Although I have friends, none of them come close to that feeling. It leaves me feeling so adrift. I guess it's like withdrawal from a drug. You had this powerful interconnection with another person, it's rare and hard to live without. Do we dare to hope that there is another experience waiting for us, not exactly the same, but also close down the road?......

Yeah Gwenivere: I really was quite healthy; only went to the doctor for yearly physicals, but I swear every month or so it's something else. It does feel like punishment. This newest thing, a sinus infection has me gagging and coughing a lot, and it is so painfully close to what was happening to John in the last year of his life. He had throat cancer and was always gagging and coughing and having a hard time swallowing. I don't know if I'll ever get over the memory of it. It made him so uncomfortable and not want to be around other people. Life can be so cruel.....

Marg: I was just asking John for some sign today. Where are those darn signs everyone keeps talking about! It can actually hurt and make you mad at the person......

Hollowheart: I know; you feel like you're underwater most of the time and do wonder what is the point of all the things I used to do. It was so different; my mindset was so different. I guess it's finding a new mindset somehow. I keep trying everything, but nothing has worked well so far, except that I am doing things.

So sad for you and for me. Never thought everything I did would feel like a job. The job of moving forward is that what is meant......

Gwenivere: I agree with you. I think it is permanent; just can't imagine how it will play out down the line. I was just relating what he said, not that I necessarily believe it. It's the first time I've seen him. I would really like to believe that it's temporary--the intense stuff. I had to go to the doctor today for a sinus infection (I've been sick about 6 times since my husband died, and I never used to get sick). Just going to the doctor was excruciating. It took me back to all the times we sat in that office and all the stuff he went through, and he still died. Was hard to come home and of course he's not here. So, now I'm on antibiotics again. Just wondering what the next sickness is going to be. I also know what you're saying when you say you would go back to the cancer hell. I felt and still feel the same way (I guess it's selfish of me). I would have him back under any conditions. Of course I didn't want him suffering, but I just so want him.....

Brad: I also struggle with what to do now that my husband is gone. I lost my job as a medical transcriptionist while he was sick, which worked, so I could take care of him. Then, when I got another job later, I couldn't do it because of the associations with John. So, now I'm trying to figure out what direction to go in. It would be nice to have had a job to return to that was familiar with supportive people in the aftermath. I am working part-time at a daycare, and even though it really like kids, I don't think it's what I want to do long-term. It is so hard to have to make yourself over in every category after such a big loss.

Janka: I also talk to my husband like that. I have asked him many times to help me through something, then I feel guilty because it's like I'm interrupting his peace. But, I need him so much sometimes. I do wonder if he hears me. It does seem like help comes in some form. Is it the power of my mind or him? I would like to think it is him. Has anyone here ever consulted a medium/psychic. I have thought of it. I don't know what I believe about that, but I will try anything.....

I know these posts are from a year ago, but they resonate with me more. I totally relate to what is being said here. Still feeling so fragile and unsure and in pain at 7 1/2 months from my loss. It feels like I will never know happiness again. I can certainly go through the motions and do what I have to do, but what kind of life is that? I will keep doing it, but I'm very unhappy. I also find myself almost not thinking about my husband a lot, seeing him in my mind's eye; I wonder where I let the memories go?

I wish I could feel as positive as all of you here. It's been 7 1/2 months for me, and, yes, I am moving forward in a sense, doing things, working part-time, joined a music group, spending time with friends, but I'm doing it with such a broken heart, which doesn't make me feel very positive. It all still feels like a chore and I am so sad and fighting hard feelings all the time. I feel like everyone is moving forward and I'm stuck in time......

I went back and read some of these posts. The emotional see-saw seems to happen to everyone. That is hard. I have seen a psychiatrist about antidepressants, and he said he didn't think I was clinically depressed, just had an earthquake in my life by losing my husband of 46 years. I had been with him since I was 18 and came from a very unstable childhood, so he was everything to me--father, mother, best friend, lover, etc. So, yes, I am suffering terribly at his loss but do have neutral moments also. I think what scares me is wondering if I can ever get to where I feel stable and content to be on my own, mostly emotionally. The doctor said yes I will. He said that I had demonstrated in my life that I had what it takes to move forward. That was a comfort to hear, even though I don't know if I believe it. He said I wouldn't believe it now but it would happen. He said "when you leave this office I want you to memorize--this seems permanent, but it is temporary." I also said he thought I could benefit from lorazepam, which I think I will do. I'm writing this for everyone here who feels lost. It seems that the human spirit is quite powerful and will heal. I choose to believe that.

I also really relate to the loneliness of everyone. I have friends, but John was really my best friend, and the friends I have do have mixed responses to my grief....making it lonelier than ever. How does this get better?....antidepressants, a lobotomy? I've considered both, well maybe not seriously the lobotomy (dark humor). Really need to find to meaning in my life if I'm going to live it, though. Looking everywhere. This is a bad day; so tired of the hurt and unbearable feeling inside, like something is really wrong with me, a terrible sickness....

One thing that is very hard to deal with is that I feel bad a lot of the time, but then something causes the bottom to fall out. It's anxiety, depression, hopelessness all mixed up in one. That's when it gets scary and I wonder if there will be an end to this or if that part will get worse. Does anyone else have this happen? It comes and goes, but is very intense at this point 7 1/2 months from losing John.

Hollowheart: I feel for you. Any loss of a significant person in your life, someone integral to your wellbeing, can be wrenching I think. It was my husband I lost, but he provided me with many of the same things it sounds like your sister did for you. Pain is pain, and this pain hurts terribly. Just want to find some contentment down the road, hopefully not too far and wish the same for you and everyone else.

Brad: I'm 7 1/2 months out and struggling so much with missing John. We too were together all the time and were each other's best friend's. It seemed so wonderful when it was happening, but sometimes now it hurts so much to be without him, I almost think it was a disadvantage. By the way, you are not stupid. I definitely look at every little thing and it has an impact on me because of its association with John.

Gwenivere: I agree with what you said about your life not being better after losing Steve. That's exactly how I feel. That's partly why the pain is so deadening, because my husband also made my life so much better by being in it and now I can't imagine life without him. I am just starting to really get that I have to adjust and cope and it feels like being hit with a 2 x 4. Of course, that is what I guess I've been trying to do all these 7 1/2 months. I think you get tired and then when you realize what is possibly ahead, it can be daunting. One thing I realized lately is that I know what real joy and contentment is because I had it with John, and, of course, I would love to know it again if I'm going to go on living. Don't want to be the "walking dead." Just don't know if it's possible at this point......

Thanks all of you for your comments...your all such kind people. I would love to have you all as a support group where I live. There are not many of those here (it's a small mountain community) and the ones that exist are only held once a month and few people attend. I know there are other people like me out there somewhere and I can't figure out why they won't attend grief support, so I'm thankful to have this place to come to talk and hear that there are others who have, or are experiencing something similar, even though it still hurts...

Yes, Kp148, mornings are the hardest for me too. For a while they weren't so bad, but now it's all coming back, the anxiety, the depression, etc. I agree, wanting to die is just wanting out of the pain. I wish I had some more of that anesthesia from the beginning....

Hollowheart: I feel the same way about the people around me. It is so isolating when you see that fog over someone's eyes when you mention feeling bad about your loved one. It definitely keeps you from connecting with your feelings because you know people will go away if you talk about it too much now.

All of you: I had started a new topic on just this subject, then I found these posts. I'm about 7 1/2 months out and it seemed to start getting worse about 5 1/2 months out. I am much more depressed, lonely and feeling like I really don't want to go on. Hearing that he would want me too doesn't seem to bring comfort. I loved him dearly but he didn't know what this was going to be like. My guess is that he would be horribly sad if he could see how I feel and would not want me to be going through this. This is so painful; it's inhuman to have to go through this. I too feel like it will be never-ending, and it's true, snow and being housebound doesn't help. Hoping there is such a thing as things getting better at some time. I think I'm angry because about 2 months after my husband died in support groups people who were 6 months to a year out would always say it gets better and about 6 months you start having better days. Not for me that I can tell. I wonder if there is something wrong with me that, that is not happening for me.

Hi everyone. I have seen several posts where people say things will get better. I hate to say this, but 7 1/2 months out, sometimes things are worse in terms of depression, yearning, loneliness for me. Sometimes I'm in a, what I call neutral place where I'm doing okay. Is that what you mean by things will get better. Really struggling. Been waking up in the mornings feeling so lonely, like I don't matter. I have people in my life that I know care, but it's not the same as having that special person who always had your back. How do you adjust to this. I wish I could say things get better, but honestly, I think I was doing better in the first months when I was still numb.....

Janka: So sorry about your guinea pig. I have 2 dogs and they are the loves of my life. I know how much it can hurt to lose a pet, especially having lost your significant other; just feels like too much loss. My one standard poodles is 11 years old and he was the light of my and my husband's life. Just before John died he said to Ranger, "Well, I guess I'm going to beat you out of hear." Every time I think of that, it is so horribly sad, as I know Ranger doesn't have that long left either. Love and thoughts to you, Cookie

Hollowheart: I also am finding the lack of friends and such very painful. When you are in a tight, good relationship, you don't think in terms of going outwards for companionship. It makes this so hard. I had friends and we had friends, but our main friends were each other. I just don't know how to survive this sometimes.

I miss everything about him. He used to say, "Hey darlin," every time I came home. I miss his centeredness, sense of humor, compassion, love. God, it hurts so much just saying this. I feel like some others. It's been 7 months and it seems worse than ever, lonelier than ever. There is no replacing that person....how do you get back to any joy or contentment. Today is not a good day. Was shoveling my long, steep driveway, remembering how he found all this weather so fun. We always worked together on things like that.