Cookie

Someone mentioned neutral time, which is what I call the times when I'm not totally debilitated by sorrow. It was nice to know I'm not the only one with that description because most people don't understand what I'm talking about. Loved Brad's description of how he feels. I could relate to all of it. Went through some things in the barn that my husband had stored and talked to someone wanting to buy them. It took me down emotionally later; just made me feel like I was losing him all over again. This grief experience should have been on "Twilight Zone," as that is the way I feel most of the time. It's so crazy and makes you feel crazy....

Well, it's been 9 months and I'm in ways having a much harder time than ever. It seems that ever since I went and did my taxes a couple of weeks ago, I am having more waves of despair, fear, sorrow. Of course, I wonder is this normal. It actually seems to hurt more if that's possible. I don't understand why this happens. I have considered antidepressants again, although, I don't want to prolong this process and I'm still nervous about taking them. Every professional has a different opinion about it. I've been having bad dreams and fluctuations of mood throughout the day. Has anyone experienced this? I'm always wondering if I'm normal because I feel so abnormal most of the time....Cookie

Brad: I wish I had your positivity. You seem to look at things in such a good way, and I am filled with so much pain and resentment at times. I am also glad that I was there for John, but at the same time hurt and resentful about what happened to him. You seem like a very nice person.....Cookie

Andrea: I also have anger come and go. I get angry at my husband for leaving me with a house to maintain. I was out doing yard work and found myself getting mad at him because of where he planted the boxwoods; they are hard to trim there. Then I feel really bad; I'm not really angry at him, just angry that he's gone and not here doing these things with me. I get impatient also.....it's hard to deal with when you also have other strong feelings happening...the crushing pain of loneliness, etc. I think everyone experiences this, though. Warmly, Cookie

Yeah, I felt that way about him until the end....that potent love thing. What's strange is that it wasn't until after he died and I saw a video someone had shot of him that I saw the real deterioration. I mean I saw him go down, but I was more focused on his spirit, his twinkly blue eyes so that the other stuff was in the background somewhat. That was a hard day when I saw the video. I made them erase it. I don't want to ever see him like that again, prefer to remember the beautiful man I was married to for most of those years.....

I have a friend, actually he and his wife were friends of ours, and his wife died 2 months after my husband. He has said he doesn't know why, but he's having an easy grief experience. He is already dating someone. Now, I know I should feel happy for him. Who would wish what I and a lot of you feel on others? But, I think I'm jealous because I so want to move on and be happy again, but I'm definitely not there, a long way from it I think. I also start thinking he must have some greater wisdom or knowledge that he can move on like this. Anyway, it threw me into a real depression again. I don't want to spend my life feeling this way, being lonely and miserable, and when you see someone who seems to have mastered this so well, it's very debilitating.

Bratt#2 and everyone: Thanks for the reassurance that I'm not alone in this feeling, the back and forth and the horrible waves that hit you. I guess this is our lot in life for a while, hoping that it gets better over time......

Hollowheart: I'm hoping that "not fitting" feeling goes away someday. It really does make you feel unbalanced. That's when the anxiety comes on. When you've been a part of something for so long, it's almost impossible to go on alone it seems. I know what you're saying about nothing being fun or exciting because you don't have that person to share it with....

My husband was also a musician. He used to sit in the evening and play guitar and harmonica. He influenced our kids, who are both musicians. The night before he died he asked my daughter to play for him and he tried to play harmonica along with her. God I miss his music. My daughter hasn't picked up her guitar since he died. It is so sad and painful. Right after he died I gave his ring, which had been his father's, to my son. I'm glad I did it in a way for my son, but now sometimes it hurts not to have it and wonder if I was too hasty in doing that. So, I just have the ring he had made for me. God, this is hard.....

Maryann: Your post spoke to me too. I feel the same way about trying to get some enthusiasm about doing anything. Nothing seems to matter anymore, and that feeling of knowing he is not coming back and I have to get on with it but don't really want to. I ended up putting my wedding ring on my other hand because I can't part with it, but it doesn't seem right on my wedding band finger. I like it where it is and will keep it forever. We didn't get rings when we got married because we were so poor, so we had decided to get remarried one day. That day never got here. We had gotten so far as to pick out a custom design. He went and had my ring made and gave it to me with the idea that we would get his later, as they were so expensive. He didn't ever get his. I can't part with it.

Gwenivere: Everything you say is almost completely what I'm feeling. I hate being alone all the time too to confront things that I would get from him for. It all seems to unfair. I had a dream about him last night. He was about 25 in it and he was just there. What was disturbing about it was that I didn't get any emotional feelings like love or affection...he was just there. He was smoking cigarettes, which he had done when he was younger, and I said something about it and he said it was okay. It wouldn't hurt him now. We did a few things together, but there was no loving exchange. I woke up feeling awful, wondering why I would have a dream like that. I need him to let me know he loves me so much. I know he loved me when he was here, but for some reason I don't feel it now. I wonder why my mind is doing this...? It hurts me. I want to have a dream in which I can feel his love and wake up feeling good. Hope you didn't have a power outage. I know how you feel. I hate storms and the aftermath. They scare me too, as do many things these days.

Wolfskat: It is a quandary, the wanting to die and wanting to live. No good choices, no good answers. I, too, feel that very thing. I find myself wishing I would just drop dead and will eat all the wrong food sometimes thinking I might have a heart attack. Why can't there be much shelter from all this pain; why does it have to hurt so terribly; what is the value in all this--those tend to be my questions on really bad days. I keep hearing you never get over it, but learn to manage. I'm not sure managing is to exciting a concept. I would hope to have some joy and peace again; know love again.....warmly Cookie

I can relate to all that was said here....the distractions, TV on, music on, etc. It's just 9 months since John died and I've started having the free-floating, don't know where I belong, panicky thing happen again. I was having that a lot a couple of months ago and then it seemed to ease up some even though I still felt sad, depressed, etc. I just can't get a handle on what this is. It makes me feel like I'm losing control and don't have a future, don't fit anywhere--scary. I do all the affirmation things, exercise, on and on. It is such a debilitating feeling. I would prefer to just be deadly sad. I push through it and keep doing, but it gets so exhausting. Has anyone else had this happen? I started seeing another counselor, who seems like he might actually know about grief, so I'm counting on that. Wishing you all well....Cookie

Iheartm: So sorry for your pain. I can completely relate to it. Even at 8 months, I am terribly sad a lot and yearn for my husband. The only comfort I can give is to let you know I understand the unbearableness of this and send you a big hug....Cookie

TerriL: I am so sorry your sister is clueless. I also have a sister similar to that. She is weary of my grief. It really hurts because you kind of expect family to care no matter what. It's been 8 1/2 months for me and I'm still reeling with grief. Four months is very new. Of course you are struggling.....your sister doesn't get it like a lot of people and won't until it happens to them, unfortunately. It just wears me out and feels so bad talking to people like that. I so feel for you. This hurts and it hurts bad, and I am giving you a virtual hug. Take care, Cookie

Mitch: My heart goes out to you. It's been 8 1/2 months for me and it is pretty horrible, but I have heard that a year is still not that long and sometimes it can take 2-4 years to work through your grief, so don't despair. I'm trying not to. I don't think that means you're on top of the world, but it may mean less intense pain and more possibility for some peace. Hugs to you, Cookie

TerriL: I know just what you're saying. I used to love to cook, but cook for us. I have lost interest, but am making myself go through the motions so I don't drop off eating altogether. I also know what you are saying about acting upbeat so you won't push people away. I also do that because I'm already so lonely and need some contact and people around me, and let's face it, most people who have not had this happen to them just don't get it no matter how you explain it. Yes, this sucks. I do have a friend who lost her husband 2 years and 2 months ago and she told me that for the first time since he died she had a fond memory of him that made her smile and not feel sad. That was hopeful I thought. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel, even though it could be a long tunnel. Warmly, Cookie

As usual I can relate to everything said here. I was working (technically still am) 3-4 mornings a week for 3 hours at a daycare, but just got sidelined again for the second time in a month by getting really sick. This time, it was a respiratory virus and strep. I am on antibiotics again, off this week and trying to figure out if I should go back or not. I've been told that working with kids will open me up to a lot of sickness and it's so depressing; plus, I feel like I've been living at the doctor's office. It's a hard call. The getting out is good for the 3 hours in the morning and is a schedule, but getting really sick all the time is not good. Don't know what I'm going to do. Looking for other jobs; hope something comes up. I feel for everyone's misery, as I have so much of it myself. I actually do a lot of things....go to a singing group once a week, been playing cards once a week with friends, but I still feel awful, so not sure any of this really helps. It just feels like you've got to do something if you're alive on this earth, even if you don't want to be, which I feel quite often....hugs to all, Cookie

All of you, thanks so much for sharing. There is a little bit of my feelings in every post. It is such a comfort to hear all of this. I don't feel as alone with my thinking....warmly, Cookie

Oh Gwenivere, what you said sounded so completely similar to what I feel. The only comfort I derive is that I'm not the only one, which believe me is huge because I spend a lot of time worrying that I'm psychologically going into a ditch. I forget whether you work or not. I keep thinking a regular job might anchor me a little bit more. I was working 3 hours in the morning at a daycare, but recently got very sick for the second time in a few months with a virus and strep, so think I need to get out of the daycare environment and into something else. I met a widow who said that she got through by being so busy teaching yoga and doing massage that she never had time to think about her loss, and now many years later she is very happy. Boy, I'd like to get there. So tired of being in pain. Think about changing furniture, painting, etc., but can't seem to mobilize to do it yet. Thanks for sharing with me.....Cookie

I'm wondering how many of you here relate to this. My husband has been dead a little over 8 months. We went through his sickness and death here at this house. We had always been so happy here. He built the house and loved it and the property. It sounded so nice (not really nice; just the most comfortable option for him) for him to die at home. I'm okay a lot of the time, although, always sad when I look around, knowing he's never going to be here again and seeing him everywhere. I have these moments, though, where the bottom falls out when I'm sitting here and I'm not distracted. It feels like the walls are closing in on me and I can't imagine living here anymore. I guess what I'm wondering is if anyone else has had these feelings and does it ever get better. I may have to move at some time, but don't want to do it out of desperation if I don't have to; what a way to leave this beautiful home. I had an episode today and was just looking for some feedback. Thanks everyone, Cookie

Everything is fine. I just had a moment. I have those more since John died; hopefully that will lessen. You're all very kind and supportive. Hugs to everyone from me....Cookie

Everyone: I don't think I ever said God should not be mentioned on the forum. I said we need to be careful about saying that God or faith is what you need to ease your grief, etc. It's one thing to talk about your personal journey with God or whatever belief system and another to say or imply that is what others need to help them. Looking at the reactions, I guess I'm the one who should leave the forum. Sorry I ruffled so many feathers. It's just a strong feeling I have about religious matters.

I know what Brat#2 is saying. I think belief in God is very personal, and although I'm glad it is helping some, it doesn't work for my pain and loneliness. The problem with telling people if you just had God, you wouldn't feel so bad, is that it's another guilt thing making you feel like you don't measure up. I'm really happy for whoever can derive comfort from their belief system, but we should be careful about putting that on others who are are feeling bad enough already. I'm not trying to be difficult, it's just that I've had the community Christian ladies come at me with if I just had Jesus I would feel better. Now they may believe that, but they don't know what my beliefs are and it's not very nice to add another burden to an already over-burdened person. Respectfully, Cookie

Gin: My husband was exactly the same way; so handy, fixed everything. It's hard to get used to having to take care of everything. I hope your stuff gets fixed. Right after John died, the boiler went out, the toilet sprung a leak, the truck needed repair, etc. John built our house so that made it even harder. He knew every nook and cranny of it and I do not. I feel a little bit spoiled; I guess I was. He had put in concrete floors and a radiant heat system and the boiler came from Canada. Luckily I finally found a heat and air company who could figure things out. It's been so scary, and, of course, you worry about the financial side of it. I was really angry at first, thinking thanks a lot for putting all this stuff in that no one has ever heard of. Then I realized that was what I had loved about him. His creativity and handiness.....but, I do know what you're talking about in terms of worrying about whether it will be fixable. Take care, Cookie