Cookie

George: What is the greens drink? I've been interested in that myself...thanks, Cookie

Sherbear512: Just saw your original post, and my heart goes out to you. What pain I know you must feel. You certainly sound like you are doing your best. You have had a terrible thing happen to you. I am thinking about you and sending love and hugs.....warmly Cookie

Marg: Yes, I feel all those things too. I hear people saying they don't cry as much; I wish I did because now it seems like the lack of tears is being replaced by an all-consuming painful, depressive feeling and horrible loneliness. It hurts so much, it almost takes my breath away, but I guess you're brain knows what it is doing (?). I can't make myself cry and I can't make the horrible pain go away. What to do? I wish someone had the answer. I feel like I have been trying so hard to feel better. No one could support three families that I know. I feel lucky I can support myself too for now. Assisted living might be good because of more connection with people...I don't know. I live out in the country, beautiful place in the north carolina mountains, but incredibly lonely now that John is gone. I see that I will have to move, but where? These decisions are impossible to make it seems. I also have stuff to get rid of, mostly John's, and find it overwhelming just to think about it. Can't imagine doing all this and selling a house too. Hopefully, it will all become clear; I guess that is all we can hope for. Hugs to you, Cookie

Maryann: I just posted what you said and I'm hearing it from others....that just walking around trying to get enthusiastic to do something but it doesn't happen. I make myself do things and that is the only way anything gets done, but sometimes I get so tired. It's been 10 1/2 months (can't quit counting down) and it feels like an eternity. What I'm afraid of is that it is going to be an eternity of feeling like this.....hugs to you, Cookie

Love that description...insidious foe; perfect. You nail it on the head every time. I also wander aimlessly around the house trying so hard to work up some enthusiasm to do something and, of course, feel better. I feel like I live in a tomb sometimes. It is also surreal in the sense that I look around me and everything just sits there, including me. Everything used to be so alive and fluid in this house (including me). What a strange condition, and how to escape it.....thinking of everyone, Cookie

That is true Gwenivere. Need does not describe it. Today the pain is really bad for me. I woke up remembering all the little things that I feel like I will never have again. Right now again it feels like I won't survive this feeling. Getting so tired of trying to struggle to get through each day. This really feels endless. So lonely. I keep thinking maybe if I moved, changed the scenery completely, met someone else, etc., it wouldn't hurt so bad. How can you not want to fix this kind of pain and how long can you endure feeling it....even if you meet someone else, it's new. It's not full of all the things that built that wonderful, rich relationship you had and lost. I guess people do find others and are happier than they were(?). So confused about all of this; just want out of this agony....

Maryann: I can completely relate to you. I will look around me and think I will do something creative, productive, etc., that it would be good for me, then I just look and walk away. I also feel so lazy and unproductive and wonder if this is the rest of my life. I used to do a lot of things, knit, crochet, read a lot, on and on. I'm thinking that it's easier to do these things when you're happy. I think you have more creative drive when you're content. That is my only explanation for this dead zone we're/I'm in. You are not alone....it distresses me greatly too. Warmly, Cookie

Butch: I feel for you; I have a feeling thinking you shouldn't be feeling bad is very common. I know a woman who lost her husband 2 1/2 years ago and is having a really hard time right now. She said, "I'm so tired of grief!" I know how she feels and it's been 11 months for me. It becomes really hard to have to endure this, and I'm always looking for ways to make it better, even though my brain tells me there is nothing I can do but go through it. So sorry you're having such a hard time. So sorry for all of us. Thanks for all the love and support here....warmly, Cookie

Brad, the book you mentioned, "About Grief," is incredible. I am reading it and it is a comfort. Thanks for the suggestion. Cookie

Marg: I agree, you are not selfish or mean to want to do what you need to do. I'm amazed you know what you need. You're way ahead of me and it's almost 11 months since John died. I just do whatever as the days come; don't know if it's good for me or not. Yeah, I don't think doing the RV thing by myself would work. I would be too nervous, and worse, completely feeling untethered. I want to feel connected right now; seems to be a driving force. I agree with Gwenivere when she said she doesn't care what other people are doing because they all have lives. I feel that way, or I don't want to care what they are doing because it hurts too much. I got the book Bard recommended to someone else called "About Grief," and it is very right on. There was a Haiku at the beginning that said, "You think that their dying is the worst thing that could happen; then they stay dead." It resonated with me completely. I think I'm still in the phase of what, he's really dead? Hugs to everyone.....Cookie

Kayc: That was so moving. We too like everyone else here had a routine, and it's those things that are brutal to do without....the touch, hug, shared jokes, phone calls just to check in. Oh how agonizing it is without it. Ten months and it seems even harder. You give me hope, though, that at some time I'll get over this big hump and level out some...warmly Cookie

Love this...

Marg: I understand where you're coming from. I have two standard poodles that John and I had together and it takes everything I have to take good care of them now. They are a comfort, but there is stress involved too. Also, one of them is older and I just can't bear the thought of another loss. I agree that you yourself will know when the time is right to take on more responsibility, as wonderful as it might sound to have something to cuddle with. Take care, Cookie

Gin: Just reread your post. I know how that feeling alone no matter what you're doing feels. It is so desolate. I seem to grit my teeth and the worst of the feeling will pass, but of course there is the residual that is always there. You're so right. This grief stuff is so hard. Hugs to you, Cookie

Maryann: Everything spoke to me in this post, especially the confidence thing, which I have reflected on continuously...where mine went after he died. I won't try to go over all that you said. Just suffice it to say, you spoke so genuinely to all these issues I see and feel myself so completely well. Thanks, Cookie

I guess you all know I mean depression. Does anyone else struggle with it in grief. I started out having terrible anxiety all the time and in just the past few months it's morphed into more depression. I wake up in the mornings feeling so terrible. What is this creature that keeps coming at us in all these different forms. I know it's grief, but it seems to have a life of its own. The worst thing is that I try so hard to move through this every day, doing all the things "they" say to do, exercising a lot, eating right, going out with friends, keeping as busy as I can, and, yet, I'm not seeing a lot of improvement at 10 months. A year is coming up and I'm actually hating the beauty of this spring season and summer to follow. He died June 13th, and it's looming like a monster in my mind. I would love to enjoy the beauty of spring like I used to, but last year at this time he was desperately trying to live, taking another chemo round, even though he had said he wouldn't do that. He got so sick and went down fast after that. How on earth does one get through this.....I must sound like the grinch who stole spring...sorry everyone. Just struggling with so much sadness and loneliness...missing him so darn much.......Cookie

I feel the same way about FB now. Used to love to go on, but it all hurts now. I know this sounds terrible, but one thing that hurts is all the connectedness you see other people having with their husbands, etc. But, I guess everything thing hurts some days....Cookie

Yes, it seems like an eternity....

Wolfskat: First I feel for you. I also understand. Our family, who we love dearly, really has a hard time seeing the grief. I definitely have that experience. They are so ready for me to get past this and be the happy, content person I used to be. Of course, I would love to be able to do that. It hurts to not be able to right now. I did used to be what would be considered very strong, the one our kids came to with problems and family would talk to to. Now, I guess I've gone into a ditch. I don't know who I am anymore and start feeling hopeless that it will ever get any better. Ten months seems like a long time to be feeling so bad all the time. I hope you get that hug and me too....warmly, Cookie

Mitch: I have been doing since John died, but can't seem to get past the depression that is now plaguing me 10 months out. It's changed from overwhelming anxiety to more depression; I guess I should be happy there has been a change. I am impressed that you can use your love for Tammy as fuel to do things. I had/have such great love for John, but it seems to just make me feel awful....

Brad: So sorry about your friend. When you said that about how lucky her husband was to have dementia, your right. What a blessing in a sense....

Ana: My heart goes out to you...I hear myself in almost everything you say. I am not as young as you, I think, but I too wonder why loving and caring has to bring so much pain. But the truth for me and probably for you is that we chose our paths due to love, and it was so beyond wonderful while it lasted. You didn't do anything wrong; you loved greatly. It's so sad for you and all of us that we had to lose our great loves and in such awful ways. I want to hug you and everyone....Cookie

Elly: I don't know what to say; you said it all so well, exactly how I feel.....

Marg: I also told my husband I couldn't live without him and that I wanted to go with him. He said that this wasn't my journey and that he wanted me to live and be happy. I still resent that you could spend 46 years with someone and all of a sudden it's not your journey. I know that probably sounds childish. I feel very childish about all this sometimes. Yes, I know he's gone for good, but my heart does not want to accept it still, and I know he would tell me I did nothing wrong, but I want to actually hear it from it. You know what I mean? Crazy thinking I know. Thanks for your feedback. You are right, of course about the forgiving....warmly Cookie

Thank you Maryann.....