Cookie

Janka: So sorry for your pain. I can tell how much you loved Jan. You're in my thoughts....say a prayer for me.....warmly Cookie

Janka: Very nice poem. Speaks to me too....Cookie

Gwenivere: I relate to everything you said in your post. The reality is crushing, and I just have to grit my teeth sometimes to get through those moments. Can't imagine what life will be down the road. I keep hearing that this will pass. I can only hope that is true because this is a little too painful sometimes and I wonder how long anyone can stand it. I feel for you as I feel for me and everyone else. This is very, very hard....warmly Cookie

Marg: I was not angry with you. I was just reacting to the celebrity thing, as it hurts me personally. I get a lot of input around me that I need to buck up and that is the message I am tired of hearing because I don't seem to be up to it. But, I know that people deal with things differently. It's just that when you have a public forum, like a celebrity, it's almost like they are modeling how you "should be" and that is the message that comes across. She could just accept the award and leave it at that without the commentary on being strong, mostly because we are all different and not all of us feel that bravery. But, in no way was my comment directed towards you. Please know that. I think you are very entertaining and enjoy your posts. Warmly Cookie

I just read and article called "The myth of the first and second year." It spoke to me. People actually study grief. The article was saying that the first year typically is one of survival, figuring out how to pay bills, relearning to accomplish the practical things of just living day by day. The second year can be when you start dealing with the emotional impact of the loss and experience more sadness, depression as the reality hits. I think that is what is happening to me and maybe you are experiencing this in a way Maryann. I've read so often that after the first year you have better days. Hasn't been the case for me, maybe some changes, laughing sometimes, finding some peace at times, but experiencing worse pain and sadness than ever before. All I know is that this is one of the most challenging, unfamiliar things I have ever been through....Cookie

I also read the article by Celine Dion and heard an interview she gave. It actually made me angry. She was saying that she was going to be STRONG by not crying at the awards ceremony, but when her son presented the award she cried (heaven forbid she showed weakness!). This is the very thing we don't need to keep hearing. Not crying or being overwhelmed by sadness is strong and crying, etc. I guess is weak. She went on to say that her husband left his strength behind for her. I guess I should be happy for her...actually, I'm jealous, but I wonder if that is really true for her. I'm so tired of hearing these types of things. I actually do a lot of things and "get on with it," but I can tell you I cry every day, sometimes more than once, feel sick with grief still and everything I do I have to make myself do. I do have some bright moments, but I would say the majority of time I'm so sad and hurting. This is at almost a year.

I love the eyes....so loving, so sorrowful...Cookie

Well, I am going to add my very similar story of feelings to all of yours. I too at almost a year am having a very hard time because the reality is starting to hammer me. It scares me to think of living the rest of my life like this. I so want to be in life again on some level. I can't imagine this horrible feeling going on and on. It feels so uncontrollable even with all the things I do to try and live life normally again. It's like you just have to brace yourself over and over again. It gets very tiring.....

It makes sense to me, Mitch. I also feel in much pain when I do things that we used to do together. Heck, just being in the house he built is extremely painful. Have a hard time getting motivated to do anything here because of it. I also like to share about him, want people to know who he was. I like what you said about making decisions with Tammy in your soul. Warmly, Cookie

Boogieman: There have got to be solutions for us. I at almost a year and feeling worse than several months ago. Wish there was a rule book as to how to navigate this. I have heard that it can take anywhere from 2-4 years to come to terms with deep grief, so hang in there. Hugs to you....Cookie

I'm going to give an example of the extreme anxiety I have been suffering since John's death. I have finally gotten a job, a good job, only 10 hours a week (perfect), good pay, nice people. I was a medical transcriptionist for 20 years, and I've been hired to do transcription for a local mental health facility. Anyway, since I'm so experienced I should be confident; this is what I've always done, and if it were a couple of years ago, I would be so excited. But, unfortunately, even though I'm happy I got the job and want to work with really good conditions, I am feeling so anxious, totally lacking in confidence, scared I'm not going to be able to do it. It is so disturbing to feel this way, especially when I know somewhere deep down that I certainly have the skills, etc. I feel like a child. This is what I wish I could get past, and I was totally caught off guard by this reaction. I can't believe it. But, someone quoted to me a line from C.S. Lewis' book..."I never knew grief would feel so much like fear," or something like that. Neither did I......Cookie

I also loved my husband in spite of the annoying things. Those just seemed natural, part of life; anyone is annoying at some time. But, like Maryann, John made me feel so loved completely; it was such a gift. Nothing could trump that. It was also the first time for me in my life that I had felt so completely unconditionally loved, as I came from a less than nice childhood. This is truly excruciating to do without on a daily basis, and I can see that it will be a long process to regain some emotional balance. I see a counselor, who has been great (I went through 5 to get to him). He calls himself my companion on this journey and it is very comforting. I wish all of you comfort in going through this. You wouldn't wish this on anyone.....hugs to all, Cookie

Maryann: I think I can relate to the edginess thing you were talking about. I call it anxiety...get really edgy, nothing sounds good to do, end up just doing nothing, feel like I'm coming out of my skin. I was talking to my counselor yesterday and he said that is very normal. You've had a major loss and everything is threatening now in life, and it's just a process of feeling it and going through it. I struggle with these things every day. Apparently this can be a very long process. Thanks for sharing. Wish we didn't have to go through this. Warmly Cookie

Mitch: Just realized you had a birthday...happy birthday. You have contributed so much to this site for me...thanks, warmly cookie

Mitch: Your post was beautiful...everything sounded pretty much as I feel...it's a hard lonely road, terribly lonely, but my husband also faced every day with such grace when he was sick and I try to remember that now that I'm suffering so without him. Take care, warmly Cookie

George: I think it's great you can be happy and have some peace. That is what I'm desperately wanting. Not much of it for me right now, but you give me hope that it is possible. It will be a year on June 13th and right now I'm having a hard time a lot emotionally. Your getaway sounds great; enjoy it....warmly Cookie

BillT: I feel the same.....he was all I needed and I was so grateful for him all the time he was here....it seems impossible to go on sometime without that person. Hug to you....Cookie

Marg: It's so timely you wrote about going through Billy's things. That's what I did this morning, took John's clothes out of our closet and bagged them up, put them in the garage until I figure out what to do with them. My heart is so broken, sitting here crying, missing him so much; so torn. Feel like I'm losing another piece of him and I guess I'm not ready to let him go yet, if ever. This is so hard, excruciating. I am going to keep his nice shirts and at some point incorporate them in a guilt. I gave his wedding ring to our son when he died, and I hate to say it, but wish I had it with me right now. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. It probably was....just want every piece of him back but can't live with the things without him in them. That probably sounds weird, but maybe you and others here will understand it. I know what you say about watching programs they used to love. I can't seem to watch any of the ones John liked; it hurts too much for some reason. You seem so genuine and great sense of humor. Thanks for your posts....warmly Cookie

Marg M: You seem like anything but a downer to me. I love to read your posts....Cookie

Marg: Love that....I'm learning. I think I have always been way too sensitive. Maybe this is one of my lessons in all of this....thanks, Cookie

Kayc: I'm not taking it personally at this point, a week or so from the encounters. This is a terrible situation to be in and it is true that sometimes you're not in your right mind no matter how long it's been, I guess. I do feel terrible for these ladies. I think my reaction had something to do with my own fear of how long this hurting will go on and hearing what the ladies had to say scared me. I will continue to look forward and try to not let these things get to me. Thanks so much for your support....Cookie

Yes, Gwenivere, I think there is a lot of truth in what you say. It's been a hard struggle for me to absorb these types of behaviors from others, as I have been so vulnerable feeling and needy for support. I believe these people are suffering terribly still over their loss. I just don't think, I hope, that I would say to someone who is hurting that I don't want to hear or see their grief. But, we all have to have compassion for others, me included, and I'm trying. I've recovered from the hurt and, yes, will probably draw way back from talking about how I feel. Someone needs to rewrite the grief literature for others, though, in terms of advising people to mourn openly and talk about their grief because when you're in the beginning throes of it, you don't have many filters available and the damage done by others, no matter how innocent, packs quite a wallop. I'm grateful to have a place like this to talk. Thanks for listening, everyone....very warmly, Cookie

You don't sound like a shrew to me. You definitely deserve many passes. Warmly, Cookie

Ana: Thanks so much for sharing. It is amazing to me how people can be so unkind. I know it's not deliberate, but unkind nonetheless. I guess they are trying to protect themselves. This is so horrible, who would want to revisit it....yet, on the other hand, it feels so good to help someone else. I know that I would rather be helping other widows/widowers than asking for help. I do hope that someday I will really be of service to someone in this situation in some way. Meanwhile, it does hurt and I am also so grateful to have this place to come for comfort. There are so many wonderful people here. Wish this were a live, in-person support group. Just think of the fun we could all have....thanks again, very kind of you to talk to me...warmly Cookie

Katpilot: I thank you for what you wrote. I have to say that I'm having the blackest of times. It's almost a year since John died (June 13th will be 1 year) and I've started feeling worse yet again. Lots of memories and even the good ones hurt. The worst thing I've experienced so far, though, is I had met two other widows as mentors who were a year or two ahead of me in grief. We met (they don't know each other) and hung out some, but they both started never getting in touch even when I called them. Recently, I've talked to both and they both are really having hard times, talking about possible suicide, etc. What was really depressing was when I offered to sit with one, she said, "I don't want to talk about grief, be around grief or havie anything to do with grief," meaning I represented grief to her and that is probably why these people don't stay in touch with me because I obviously bring up bad feelings in them because of where I am. How hard is this. I certainly hope if I get through this that I can offer some measure of small hope to someone just beginning this journey. Of course, I have no way of knowing if that will be possible. It's not looking to rosy out there for grievers. Anyway, your post was quite comforting to me. Thanks, Cookie