Cookie

Iheartm: Boy, you've have spoken for me and probably a lot of people here. All the memories and things done together. I, too, cannot imagine life without him. I keep thinking I will need to move at some point because he built the house we, I live in and he is everywhere and nowhere. But, I can't imagine doing that either. It's like I'm in quicksand, can't mobilize. Everywhere I go also are places we went together all the time. I've thought I wish I could have an operation on my brain to get rid of memories. They are not very comforting at this point; will they ever be?

Iheartm: I totally relate to what you said...it's brutal, I know.

You know what is really painful, and it hit me so intensely yesterday, missing touch, cuddling, an arm thrown around your shoulder, a kiss, etc. How do you learn to live without that....I know people do, but after 46 years of daily touch, I'm lost as to how to navigate this. It's not the same as a hug from a friend. It's that personal, totally comforting feel of that someone you know so well. God, it is hurting all of a sudden....

Janka: So sorry to hear about your troubles....big hug to you, Cookie

I also have trouble with remembering times with John. I'll go there a little bit, but it always makes me so sad, I cry and then put them away. It's true, a lot of people say that very thing not realizing how painful it is--remember the good times.....

I didn't mean that you shouldn't be looking for things to be grateful for or acknowledge them when you see them. What I meant was that I have kept the joy lists, acknowledged the wonderful things I still have, etc., but it hasn't helped me out of this pain. I'm happy for those of you who it has. You're so lucky. I guess I just think personally that it's one of those things to beat people up with if they don't have the success expected if they try it. When I hear someone say that they feel so much better because they are focusing on the positives, I guess I'm jealous, which makes me angry. Why not me? Am I doing it wrong? I must just be holding onto negative things? You see what I mean? Sometimes looking at things or writing downs things that are wonderful actually makes me sadder if that's possible. Oh well, great for those it works for. Good luck for those it doesn't.....Cookie

I think the problem with the gratefulness thing is that you think that if you find things to be grateful for, you will start really feeling better, happier, etc. The truth is that there are many things to smile at and be grateful for. I have those moments almost every day, but what I have realized is that they are just that....moments. I was brutally disappointed when I realized it couldn't take away all the awful stuff, sad feelings, intense pain. I was working at finding things to be grateful for like a job. I even did that thing of smiling in the mirror for 2 minutes every day, which is supposed to make you feel better overall. You can't hand that out as a prescription and expect an award winning recovery. I think people are also looking for approval by doing the right thing, showing how much gratitude they have, which is upsetting. The fact that we have all loved greatly and had so much joy tells me that we have all been grateful and probably still are. It's just that the circumstances are so difficult. Cookie

Kayc: I choose to trust you. I think I have realized this is not going to be a quick fix but a long process. I moan and groan a lot, and I know it's not going to do any good. I really want to believe life will get better. Why live it if not? My husband was also wonderful and such a gift to me and I wouldn't change a minute of time I spent with him. Here's to hoping the pain actually does lessen. I will keep doing things and maybe someday, I too will be able to assure others that the hurting will get less agonizing. Warmly, Cookie

Gwenivere and everyone: Know how you feel. I am feeling like this is a life sentence. Spending mornings and nights alone day after day is excruciating, especially after so many years of having that rapport with your husband on a daily basis. I hope what they say is true about things getting better. The loneliness feels so crippling. Do people really get used to this? A friend who lives far away sent me an e-mail with a link to someone named "Ken Druck" who lost his daughter 20 years ago, and he has written a book about facing reality, kind of like the thing of "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Boy, that hit me wrong. Maybe that is what you're supposed to do, but exactly how is what I want to know. I find just getting through days and doing things is a major accomplishment, but doing it happily? I wish I could.......Cookie

Nature: I lost my husband 8 months ago, and like a lot of others here, he was my best friend and closest person on this earth. I too struggle with how to go on and why go on. It is very lonely and sometimes it seems like the further out from his death, the lonelier it feels. It is comforting to know that you are not alone, because I do sometimes think there is something wrong with my new sad nature and crying all the time. I hope you can feel supported here and made to feel normal with what you are feeling. It is true that people that you might know who haven't had a loss like this have no clue as to what it is, and that can be lonelier still. That is why this site is so comforting. You actually hear your story written by many others and know you have company. My heart goes out to you....Cookie

Hollowheart: I really understand what you're saying about no joy in anything. It really can be just going through the motions. If you are lucky, you might get a little bit of respite, which I guess is why you do it at all. People keep saying to find something of interest to do, and what they don't understand is that interest is hard to come by when you feel like this, but there is always the going through the motions and seeing what happens. Take care, Cookie

Gwenivere: You are so right about the lack of balance, and it takes it out of the ups and downs category to downright excruciatingly painful....

Froggie4635: That was so touching. So happy for you. There is magic out there....Cookie

KarenK, I have 2 standard poodles who can be a hoot. My daughter and I built a poodle snowdog the other day. That was a moment I can say was not filled with the ever-present pain. I just love all dogs, my dogs most of all; they are such a comfort....

Gwenivere: I relate to your description of your pain for Steve so much. You are able to articulate very well what I feel foo. Actually, I relate to everybody, but there is something about the way you put it that resonates personally with me. I am so lost in my pain for John. I try to hard to extricate myself, but many times to no avail and then I feel hopeless about being able to live life. I have tried everything under the sun....going out, working part-time, reading, playing games, etc., etc. Nothing seems to work to make me feel better. I will keep trying, but I want to say I'm there with you in my heart....warmly, Cookie

Thank you Kayc...so sweet. Hugs to you, Cookie

Hollowheart: It wasn't stupid. It was just disbelief....When you are faced with the possible death of someone, I have found myself that nothing in your brain works rationally. I didn't try to talk to my husband about his impending death, preferring to deny it instead, which I think was probably normal. It's just so darn sad and we are left with the pain of thinking we could have done something when in truth we couldn't.....hugs, Cookie

Iheartm: I think it's healthy that you can access the feelings that are so deep. I have trouble crying out in public and sometimes even at home. Think I am trying to resist the pain, although, i know that is impossible. I know what you are saying, though, about the depth of the pain and the feeling of having lost your arm. It is excruciating. I too have had people tell me it will lessen. One widow told me it took her 2 years to get her life back. Seems like a long time to endure this....hug to you, Cookie

Gwenivere: I know what you're talking about. If people aren't trying to "fix" me with meds or all kinds of suggestions I've already thought of, they act like nothing happened or say things like, "you just need to let it go." What I really need is someone who will give me a hug and say "it's going to be okay; I'll be here however long it takes." Unfortunately, that would have been my husband and I don't know anyone else like that now. I also am trying to keep to what is familiar. That is why going out and trying new things and meeting new people is so excruciating. It totally takes me out of my comfort zone and leaves me feeling very shaky. I do it because all the grief people say that is what you need to do to move on, but sometimes I wonder. I can have days of depression and anxiety after doing all this stuff. And you know what, making new friends takes a long time; it doesn't just happen quickly. You have to take time to be with people and get to know them, and I am hurting so much, I just don't know if I have the energy. Why is this experience so much like punishment? Warmly, Cookie

All of you: I just keep seeing exactly what I feel printed here. As Gwenivere said, I can't seem to get real enjoyment out of anything anymore. Worries me. Would like to think I will get back to that someday. I'm trying to do positive affirmations (I'll try anything now; I'm so desperate). Even though I don't feel it, I say every day that I intend to find contentment, I intend to have love again and I even say I intend to have financial stability. It can't hurt and sometimes it takes my mind off the pain for a few minutes. Has anyone else tried this. It's supposed to re-program your brain. I wish we could all meet and do something fun together. There might be some fun if you were with others who understood your journey. I go out with people but always feel so "odd person out." Hugs to everyone....cookie

I also relate to this conversation by all of you. My husband had cancer we thought he was over and was re-diagnosed 2 months before he died, but we thought we could still beat it. Now, I wonder if I should have tried to talk to him about the reality of him dying, but I was too busy trying to support his quest to live and my own selfish desire to keep him here, so we never got to that conversation. He died unexpectedly (for me) one night and now we'll never have that conversation and it haunts me still.....

I can relate to all of this. Same thing with me. I work 3 hours on some mornings at a daycare, see some friends, go to a book club, but am hollow and lonely through it all. I'm sure no one notices, it's very inner and that's the worst. I do wonder some days if I will be able to keep this up, for how long. There is nothing to replace that intimate knowingness of another person; how they knew what you were going to say before you said it; how they really cared about how you felt and anticipated things. It is so god-awful to do without when you've had it for so long (46 years for me). People do say the most insensitive things sometimes too (not meaning any harm I think). At my book club yesterday, a woman whose husband has beat cancer, said, "someone asked me how I could be so cheerful with everything we've been through, and I said why be negative when it won't change anything." I got so upset because what I wanted to say was, the real reason you can be cheerful is because you still have your husband, he's alive, he beat the odds! It made me feel awful because it felt like she was saying you have a choice to be positive or negative no matter what, which may be true, but when you actually lose your most precious person, someone please tell me how to feel positive. Another woman then said, we have to have the meeting at my place next time because my husband is going to be away for a month and I don't know how I'll stand it, and I'm thinking how would you like a lifetime of him being away. These are good people who just don't have a clue, but emotionally I find it really hard to navigate these things. It makes it so much harder and you feel like your on the outside looking in all the time. Well, I wrote a book. Take care all of you, Cookie

Ardeer0630 and iheartm: So sorry for what you are going through. It's 8 months for me and I'm feeling pretty shaky still. I just had a conversation with someone who lost a husband to cancer and had time to sit with him and he wrote goodbye letters, etc. I came away feeling so distraught, as my husband had cancer but we thought he had beat it and suddenly he was rediagnosed and before I knew it he was gone. He was fully functional up until the end--no sitting by the bedside to say goodbye, no goodbye letters. He died lying next to me one night and I was really taken by surprise; thought we had months left. I tried to revive him and it was not peaceful and I felt cheated. So, just talking about this because to lose someone suddenly is so traumatic, and I think it takes time to come to terms with it. Don't know what it would have been like to get the chance for a long, peaceful goodbye; maybe as hard.....Hugs to you all; wishing you whatever comfort you can get...love Cookie

Janka: Just saw this and my heart goes out to you. I also suffer with debilitating loneliness and missing my husband. A big hug for you from me....Love Cookie

I was just reading the post above by kayc and her problems with daughter and boyfriend. It is a tightrope walk with family when you are grieving. My daughter, who was living in NYC, came home 3 weeks before her father died and ended up staying here too. Now, she is wonderful in many ways, but she has been struggling with her grief over her dad, losing her lifestyle (I live in the mountains), not being able to find a job here and lack of friends that she left behind. It has made for some tension filled times, and sometimes it has taken me so low. I don't feel like the strong mom I used to be before her dad died and am needy myself right now. I want to be there for her and I am somewhat, but not like I used to be. We have been able to talk it out somewhat. She is seeing a therapist now and trying to work out her feelings and not dump on me. She had said something like, "you used to be so strong." That really got me. I don't want to be this weakened, vulnerable, scared person that I am now and hope to move through this. It's also a double edged sword because I want her here in some ways because I don't want to be alone, as I live very rural in the mountains. Anyway, family issues can make this hard time harder. I think we are going to work through this eventually and hopefully I will be stronger down the line..