Cookie

Marg: I also feel a lot of guilt at my husband's death because instead of loving him out of this world, I was trying to revive him--hitting his chest, calling to him to come back, trying to do CPR. Wasted a lot of time when I could have been just loving him. Part of it was because he had been functioning somewhat, trying to play music with my daughter and telling jokes and laughing. Then we went to bed and he died. My rational side knew he was dying, but my emotional side could not accept it. So, my rational side says I was just shocked and he would understand, and my emotional side is just sick at heart at the way it ended. I know he knew I couldn't bear to live without him; that's why he waited 2 weeks to tell me that his cancer had recurred. It's all so sad......

Oh, I love hearing this; thanks for sharing. I so want to believe he is here, just at my shoulder and for some reason can't let me feel him. I loved hearing what you said....Cookie

Hiking also brings me some peace. I have such a hard time in the house. John built our house and died here, so that may be why. Don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable here again. I want to change some things--like different furniture, painting a different color, but find myself thinking about it, looking at everything and then just feeling immobilized. I thought of trying to get a friend or family member to help me start...don't know. I haven't even done anything with his clothes yet.....

Katpilot: I get what you're saying. I can relate to it and will try to take that approach more often. You put it very nicely......

I'm still so hurt and sad about him being gone that I guess I feel like I'm desperately trying to hold onto something even though I can't have it back. Although I'm living on, I'm quite compromised by sadness and it doesn't feel like living used to....meaning feeling comfortable and content. I guess that's what I mean, how to live on and feel ok and I'm equating that with letting go in a sense. Don't know if I'm making any sense.....

It's been 9 1/2 months for me and I feel the same...this is the hardest thing I will ever have to endure.....

Andre: This is so beautiful. I can say I feel the same about my husband, John...gone too soon and I can't seem to let him go.

Having children isn't necessarily a force keeping you in the world. I have two, and although I love them dearly, they have their own lives and mine was so tied to his. It just seems punishing to be left behind and I'm trying to come to terms with it. I know I really sound morbid....having lots of depression lately....9 1/2 months and counting.

I wanted to go with my husband. I even asked him, and he said, "no, this is my journey." I know how it feels. I wasn't suicidal, just couldn't imagine living in a world without him in it; still can't.....

Exactly what we went through. Doctor visit after doctor visit got more and more grim. Then we would meet people who had survived throat cancer, one guy 11 years cancer free, and then there was Michael Douglas who had stage IV (John had stage II in the beginning) and look how well he's doing. I also am truly happy for those who survive, but the pain of why he didn't is hard to bear. I'm so sorry for all of us who have to bear this. I tell myself sometimes that maybe there is some hidden reason for it all. I would love to believe that....

It drives me crazy. Why can't we at least have our loved ones in dreams. I also wonder if my husband comes as a bluebird.....we aways liked to watch them and he built bluebird houses to put on our property....

Brad: My feelings exactly. I've had a few dreams about Jon where usually he's on the periphery, and one was sweet, but I'm not even dreaming about him anymore. I want some connection with him so much, even in a dream; I'll take that.

I agree....it seems all I hear about anymore is cancer; can't get away from it. I hate to admit this, but when the character has a positive outcome, that hurts and I'm jealous that didn't happen for us....

You are not losing your marbles. That made me cry just reading it right now. Those are such sad lyrics.....John and I watched an Ed Sheeran concert on TV a few weeks before he died and every time I hear any of his songs, I'm crying and feeling so much loss and pain...

Katpilot: I totally agree. If I saw or heard my husband, it might scare me to death but I would gladly welcome it. Yes, the grief type of crying for me is very different than crying used to be. For me, it used to be cathartic; now I cry and it hurts all over, but I'm still sad after, that which never seems to go away.

I know so well what you're saying. The yearning is so intense it hurts physically....

Kayc: That had to be so difficult....my heart goes out to you. I had 46 years with my husband, and it still wasn't enough. Yes, it is all so unfair.......

Brad: I enjoy reading your posts because you articulate your feelings so well. I talk to John all the time too but without the pictures, as when I've looked at our albums it's taken me down every time. I do have a few pictures of the two of us in my/our bedroom, which for some reason are easier to see. He is always with me, and yet nowhere to be found--that is the feeling all the time. Yes, mornings are the worst. That hollow feeling you talk about is always with me in the morning. Mornings were always the most wonderful, warm and cozy times with my husband, and just the beginning of another great day with him in it.....

Kayc: It's strange to hear you say early part of this journey; it seems like it's been forever for me at 9 months. People like you help me think I might get through this. Boy, it's a tough one. It is hard to believe there is a time when you might feel good when you feel this bad. Thanks, Cookie

Brad: I am jealous of your grief group....I have met several widows outside any group that have been a real comfort to me and are real sharing people. I met this one woman who is 2 years out from losing her precious husband. She said she was frozen for almost 2 years, lots of crying and sadness, but just a couple of months starting making strides and actually had memories that brought her peace. So, it is possible, just hard to imagine when you feel so bad all the time. One thing I realized I am doing is waiting....I have this feeling every day like I'm in a hold pattern and I'm wondering if on some level I'm waiting for him to come back or waiting to feel normal. It was a type of epiphany for me. That might be why I feel so off-balance all the time and bad in the mornings. Do you feel that way at all? I'm trying to remain hopeful. Thanks for your words...warmly Cookie

I have done that thinking too. I spent one evening going over all the details of meeting John and wondering if I had done this instead of that....even though I'm in so much pain, I wouldn't have missed a moment of him.....Cookie

This looks just like where I live. I understand how hard it is to look at photos taken with your husband. I'm having the same problem.....Cookie

Patty and Bill: I am also pained by reading your stories. But, I see myself in them and everyone else. Ii's been 9 months and, like Brad, pain, sadness, insanity are my constant companions. I do have times of distraction where I'm not having the heavy feelings, but they are always in the background. Everyone does say that this will pass. I met a widow here who lost her husband over 2 years ago and she is just starting to find some peace, so I know it's possible, but such a long time possibly. It is hard to deal with....hugs to every one of you. Warmly Cookie

I also am having trouble support where I live. The grief support groups are spotty, once a month maybe, and the people that are in them seem so much like cheerleaders instead of grieving people sharing. I'm usually hearing how well everyone one is doing--they have their jobs, their grandchildren, children, etc. It just makes me feel more alone. I am seeing a therapist who says you just have to feel the pain. It's been 9 months for me and I am really feeling the pain even more than before. This is a very hard thing to go through and sometimes I wonder if I will get through it. Good wishes to you both...warmly Cookie

I have that same thing happen, and I've worried that it won't go away. It's one of the things that feels so foreign; have never felt this way before in my life....