Widowedbysuicide

@MartyT I think the forum is great for most of my grief and healing. But I feel the need to talk about the manner of death. Not talking about it just reinforces that it is a 'bad' thing. I don't think any of the current forum topic areas are appropriate because much of what I need to get out isn't something you want to accidentally read. It is disturbing and not good for those who are depressed. I absolutely thank everyone for their support here. But if you haven't been there you don't understand. I'm not saying it is worse than any other type of loss. It is just different.

Another year has passed and I often wonder how I have survived this life. I am into the third year as a widow - I hate it. Butch's recent suicide has shaken me as it has so many others on the forum. For me it underlines the fact that the person who made the decision to leave life isn't the person that we thought we knew. Some deaths are easier for me to comprehend than suicide or murder is. With a death from a health issue I was able to be angry with the disease or a the medical procedure or the medical professionals. Death from a car accident... I can feel anger towards the other driver or a mechanical problem. The ability to blame allows me to have a target for anger. Since my husband was murdered by mental health who can I blame? Who can I feel angry with. I can not feel angry with my husband. Not with the man who was my friend then my mate for nearly 50 of my 60 years. I also can not blame the husband who hid his depression and instability. I wish he would have talked to me or someone else. I have turned the blame and anger on myself. Most people have no clue of the damage suicide does to those left behind. It is as if we carry a suicide germ so people turn away from us. What makes anyone think that we don't need support? When people lose someone to death there usually is some empathy given. When you lose someone to murder there is an outrage that is a strange type of empathy. Suicide is self inflicted murder yet there is no justice for the family or the deceased. I may be way off balance here but this is my writing of my story and I don't feel balance in my life. My husband would be turning 59 on Monday. This is the third birthday since he died. Valentine's day is coming again too. I wish there was a place that people like me or Katie & Allen could write about our feelings and thoughts. Suicide isn't pretty but I still have the need to talk about it. Holding it in, keeping all it secret is hard. I feel like crap and just wonder if I will ever stop with all the self blame. Yes, rationally I know better but emotionally I'm damaged.

Sending prayers for you. ❤️

I understand your feelings Gin. Nothing is simple anymore. You are an awesome mom with sending the love boxes to your son.

I can understand your anxiety in writing. I can wind myself up pretty tight trying to get everything said just right. It seems huge to me that writing can be so difficult because of skills that I struggle to maintain. With my husband's death my brain has not truly recovered and many memories and abilities seem lost in space. Congratulations on overcoming your anxiety this first few times. Please don't think yourself less than anyone because of your education or your employment. It is obvious to me that you are a very thoughtful and caring person. Those qualities are far more important to me than a person who cares for nothing and no one but themself but has a wall full of diplomas and a bank account full of money. I am sorry to read your story of loss. The heartbreak is awful I know. Our minds go all over the place and often we dwell on the darkest things. The grief and depression can be immobilizing. Coming here reading and writing will help you but sadly we can not make the pain go away. I hope you will stay strong and come here often. ❤️ I am so very sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss. It certainly isn't anything that we are prepared for. I hope you will find comfort and encouragement here.

Dearest @A&K, Your family will always be in my heart and in my prayers. I feel I have come to know you all in some small ways. Please take the time,and any good help that is offered, to care for yourselves. If you can find a group for suicide survivors I hope you will explore it. I am sorry that your family has this tragedy to work through. Sending you sisterly hugs from far away and hoping you can feel the love so many of us here have for you all.

Allen I'm so sorry for all the loss you have suffered. My husband took his own life 2 years ago and I know how devastating this kind of loss can be. I'm not saying it is worse I'm saying it is different. Please know you are not the reason. Your father did the best he could for as long as he could. I am so very sorry. Peace be with you. ❤️ Big Sister type hugs to you.

Sending prayers to all who are hurting now. 🙏❤️

Butch I am so worried for you. Being strong for everyone for so long was much harder on you than you may have thought. I am cheering for you! Let yourself be cared for. You are a fantastic person and you deserve the best. Sisterly hugs for you. ❤️

Allen I don't understand why God chose so many of your children so soon. Your family has suffered so many extreme highs and sadly the extreme and tragic lows. Sending you all my prayers and love. Your children are beautiful.

So glad you are home and back here with us. I've been missing you on here. Hugs

George I'm sorry you are having so much trouble at one time, again. Not only can you say that it never rains because it pours but it freezes too. You have an amazing drive to survive and thrive. Thinking of you.

Brrrr here in BC too. Friday will be the second anniversary of my husband's suicide. I refuse to pretend it's not painful or not happening. However, I am just thinking about all the. Best about our years together and how far we came.

@Missing you so much. I'm sorry for your loss and your pain. I am finding that the special occasions are truly a difficulty for me too. On this night in 1979 - 1980 my husband surprised me with a proposal and an engagement ring. It was the best surprise of my life. He left this world on January 5th 2016. It is so hard to be happily excited about the future. Last year was the first New Year's Eve. I have no memory of it as I believe my brain was still protecting me from the harsh reality. Tonight I am not doing anything special. I am trying to remember the good times and that is the best I can do. Take care.

I also want to wish everyone a healthier and happier New Year. World peace would be awesome too.

Love this George! ❤️

My heart aches thinking of the sorrows of such incredible losses. To make it through the days moment by moment is the only way I'm managing this season. My dreaded date is Jan 6. ❤️

I'm so very sorry Butch. I wish all your angels were here on earth with you instead of being away in heaven.

I hope you can take some time to care for yourself Butch. You have been doing so much to look after everyone else and I hope you know it's not wrong to ask for help for yourself. I have had so many losses in the past two years that I am reacting to things rather than thinking about how best deal with them. My losses have been no where nearly as dear as yours have so I can imagine that you could be feeling as unstable as I do. Fortunately, I have that tiny light guiding me forward. I think of you, you are a light in many lives here.

Butch you are such a kind man. The times you have inspired me and given me peace are uncountable. You are always in my thoughts.

I'm sorry you are working so hard George. The being busy to get through the tough spots almost works but it is exhausting. I think of you often and it motivates me to try to be a better person. I do hope you will find time to do something special for yourself at this difficult time. ❤️

I understand your feelings. I wish you felt differently. ❤️

Hello Alina. My husband died two years ago on the 5th of January. I'm not in the spirit of the season this year any more than I was last year. 🙏

Thanks for sharing. I hope the snow stays where it is, it looks perfect there! LOL Sweet Grandson 😀