Widowedbysuicide

@Gwenivere I understand what you describe.  Other than my son I have no real support system.  I yearn for a place where I can belong.  Being a suicide survivor puts me in a whole different category when it comes to being accepted nevermind being understood.  

Most of my brain energies are spent making sure that my son's emotional needs are supported.  After that and looking after the house, property, horse and small businesses there is nothing left for me.  I describe my life as putting in time, existing until I am not alive.  

Sorry for saying this on your thread @mittam99 

You are carried in my heart and in my prayers.

Butch.  You deserve some peace and lots of comfort.  I pray that you find it. 💔❤️

I'm so sorry Tom.  I don't think I could be kind to that kind of reply. 😵

Happy belated Birthday Kay.

Thinking of you Ana.  When we appear to function well on the outside people think the inside is in a better place too.  Too bad we humans are so hard to read sometimes.

My warped sense of humour says that we could get rings for our middle fingers.  Rings engraved with messages to share.  "not interested", "outside doesn't represent the 💔 inside", "feeling broken today" and on the flip side "let's party".  

I'm sorry that you are feeling pressured and stressed.

With all that has happened in your world in your place I would be shattered.  You are wrapped in a virtual hug of love Butch. ❤️

Just want to give you all a big hug and tell you that I am praying for you all ❤️🙏

Sending prayers for all of those here who are having medical problems 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

You have the same kind of luck as I do George.  I'm wishing for better luck for both of us, and anyone else that needs some good luck!

I just noticed the page number lol.  

Ana I understand the feeling of the lost dreams.  It is probably one of the most difficult parts of my journey.  

I don't think your dreams or mine were so unrealistic.  All we wanted was what other people have.  If either of us was to meet someone new and fall in love those dreams we had of life with our partner is still unattainable.  I'm sorry for your loss of your partner and your dream.  Unfortunately, for each of the best moments of our lives it seems now we are forced to survive at least an equal number of truly horrid times.  Hugs to you ❤️

Thank you @MartyT and @kayc.

I do some guided imagery when I can Marty  When my brain is ruminating over and over I find it nearly impossible to break the pattern long enough to try to focus on an image.  I haven't given up on it, but I would love a backup plan.

Kay you understand the anxiety and I appreciate what you have shared.  I am on Wellbutrin and Paxil with an option to use Ativan as needed.  I try to avoid the Ativan because of previous addiction to Valium.  Unfortunately, I think my system has built up a tolerance to the Paxil and I am on the maximum dosage.  I'm hoping that maybe I can talk to my doctor soon about an increase in the Wellbutrin and see if that might take some of the edge off.

Moment by moment, or day by day, I am doing the best I can.  It just isn't easy without my rock.

My brain is too noisy again. 

The thoughts I'm having are not happy ones. 

There is nothing I can do about my grief nor can I solve the problems of the world.

I will feel this way until I feel differently.  Nothing stays exactly the same.  The waves of grief are sometimes unbearable and other times they are tolerable.  I hope when the next less strong wave comes that the peace might will last a little longer.

For a while now I have been feeling very sorry for myself and then I feel guilty about it.  The guilt feeds the depression and the anxiety.  It's a circle that is pulling me down.  I have to be strong for my son; yet I am feeling so broken.  

Feeling numb for a short time might be good.  How can a person give their brain a time out?

I am so, so very sorry Butch.  I do believe Gracie was an angel from the moment of her birth.  

Sending you and your family my sincere condolences.

❤️

Thank yous Marty, Kay, and George.  This loss is really huge for me as my support person is gone too 😥

My prayers for Easton as well.

I agree @kayc

Excellent article!  I think I should read it often.

You really are a great man George.  There are times when having your grace sure would keep me from having to apologize or explain some of my comments and decisions.

Take care of yourself. 🙏

I had to put my last horse down last week.  My Kachina 🐎

was with me to deal with so many troubling times and now she has crossed the Rainbow Bridge.  For two months I tried to rehabilitate her but in the end I could see she was suffering too much.  

My barn is empty of animals.  It doesn't look right and it certainly feels wrong to me.  So much sorrow this year as well.  I hope my two dogs will remain with me for years to come.  

I feel so lost.

31 minutes ago, kayc said:

Butch, I only know they'll do everything they can for her and am so glad we live in a day with technology/life support to do the job for her until she can.  I'm sending my prayers her way and Marty's (so worried about her with Irma heading her way).  I feel like instead of church service today we just need to pray.

Kay said what I'm thinking.

My prayers are with you and your family Butch ❤️

And prayers for all of those in danger of Irma. ❤️

Gin,  I second your hopes for safety for all our members in dangerous situations. ❤️

I also am hoping for some comfort for all of us who are hurting so much right now.

Just wanted to tell you that as long as you visit here you are not completely alone.  This is a cyber family that cares very much for each other.  

I do understand your feelings.  I wish I could help you.  💔

Tomorrow marks 20 months.  How can that be right?

I still have not found the quiet I need for my brain.  As one 'thing' becomes almost taken care of a new 'thing' flies into my face.  I don't want to believe that this is what my life has become and will continue to be.  I don't want to go on in this agonizing game of survival of the widow.  I want to feel alive, feel like there is some kind of satisfying future for me.

My heart feels for others who also find themselves in a similar situation.  I can cry for them, their losses and feel some release from that pain.  My heart goes out to anyone who is suffering and I try to help where I can.  I'm not good or special, I just am me.  

I miss my husband and I miss me.  I miss my old life.  I miss having the luxury of quiet in my brain.

Just my ramblings for today.  I have no one else to talk to so I come here to try to unburden my brain.