Dr Lenera

Motivation seems to be one of the most difficult things. For weeks after my wife's death it was difficult for me to motivate myself to even get up in the morning. That changed fortunately, but even now, when I have to do something....anything....even like doing the shopping....it sometimes takes a while before I actually set off to do it, like my brain is still having trouble dealing with day to day, 'normal' life.

I think that's a really positive post, reading something like that means alot to someone like me who is also approaching the one year mile stone [June]. I joined here quite early on after my wife's death, but unlike you, I didn't have the desire to post here until several months ago when I was going through a really bad phase and I needed to connect and talk with people who are going through similar emotions and who can relate to what I say!

Olemisfit.....actually I thought that quite a bit of your post, rather than being a downer, was rather beautiful, it really comes through how much you loved, or should I say love, your Cookie. I also get bad 'random' days, the 'milestones' one kind of prepares oneself for, but these other ones just tend to sneak up on you, there seems to be no rhyme or reason to them, and therefore are perhaps harder to deal with.

I went through a vaguely similar experience. Jo's brother, who's now moved to Australia, wanted a tiny amount of Jo's ashes to always carry around with him in his wallet. When he first asked me I thought it was a bit morbid and weird, and I told him I wasn't sure. And I didn't want to part with any of Jo. But a few weeks later some of us travelled some distance to scatter half of Jo's ashes in the place she requested [a garden by the hospital she spent much of her childhood]. Her request was to scatter all the ashes but we weren't really supposed to be doing it, and we were told there was a warden about, so we only took up around half of them in a dish rather than the whole urn, and we were able to scatter that. Having done that, and felt reasonably pleased that we'd adhered to Jo's wishes as much as we could, I eventually [it still took a while] warmed to the idea of her brother having some of the ashes that were left, and invited him round to take some before I changed my mind! He did so and all was fine. I didn't regret it and still don't. He knew Jo for far longer than me and loved her just as much. It was very difficult at first to come around to that way of thinking though. It just needed time

My deepest sympathies to you and your family during this terribly sad and stressful time.

Nights I'm not too bad with now. For some reason I've been finding it reasonably easy to get to sleep of late - maybe it's from emotional exhaustion, knowing I'll get 7 or 8 hours of break from my often zombie-like existence. Mornings are still quite upsetting though, at least the first few minutes where I still automatically reach out my hand or turn round and....O, she's not there!! We would both have to work on Saturdays and I still do, so a full weekend is only something I'm familiar with from holidays. But Sunday and Wednesday [our other day off] mornings are still a struggle for the first hour or so. Just don't feel I want to get up....yet I don't like being in an empty bed either. It's a horrible trap!!!

I have four grief books - ordered them all a few days after my better half died - and after reading two I'd had enough for a while, of being constantly reminded of my situation and how hard it is and how hard it will be [which I'm pretty much aware of anyway]. Quite often they tell you what you already know or at least partly know, they may recommend certain things to do but most of us have at least an inkling of what we should do to help ourselves anyway....it's actually doing them that's hard. But the other two books are there when I need them....

AB3....yes that is quite similar. And I have virtually the same thoughts as you about it all. I too, deep down, know that Jo would have died anyway, and she was certainly tired of hospitals,was in and out of hospitals her entire life, on average three or four times a year, but sometimes more. I know that, if asked, and knowing that she was nearing her life's end, she would have preferred to have had an extra two or three days at home with me rather than a day in hospital. But the mind just can't help wondering. Our lives are full of "what if's", and never more than now.... Gin...well....Jo's parents both tell me that I virtually gave her a life, and her mum told me only a few weeks ago that she thinks she lived for longer [she was told by a doctor that she'll probably die at 30] because of me. But again I can't help regretting the times I wasn't as caring as I think I could have been. Marg...yes, I've had that thought too, that I wish I'd 'gone' first, it's a horrible thought but I can't help but have it at times. And i think it's actually quite natural. After all, I'd probably have sacrificed my life for her if the need came, or at least be willing to put myself in danger to protect her.

Beautifully moving poem, and so true. I think most of us wear a mask for most of the time,at least in public. We feel that the mask protects us, we hide behind it.

Snap! We seem almost like aliens, observing the actions and customs of some strange race that we may have been a part of in some half-remembered past. Many people try to be helpful and supportive, but they can't truly understand the way we feel, and we either have trouble putting it into words or feel awkward trying to explain it, almost as if we're speaking different languages and only understand a few words.

I think guilt is something we're all bound to feel at times. Everyone I know says thst I couldn't have treated my Jo, who had medical problems from the day I met her, better. But I had my moments when I lost patience and wasn't as caring as I could have been....though not many I think. And now I regret that, and wish that I'd made her comparatively brief [39 years] on this Earth even better. But none of us are perfect. Cookie, I sometimes have a thought that is vaguely similar to yours. A few days before her going into hospital for the final time, Jo begun to get a bit breathless and cough alot which she sometimes did when she was about to fall ill and/or needed care in hospital. We both assumed that it was more related to her having a terrible cold that was going around, but the thought did cross my mind that it could be more serious. Should I have insisted that she go into hospital? Possibly. But then from what the doctors later told me after she'd died she was already virtually terminally ill by then, so it probably wouldn't have made a difference. It was probably better that she spent more days with me going out and about [it was our week off work]. But I can't help wondering.....not very often, but occasionally....

Mike's girl - Though I haven't quite got to one year yet, I think that the one month anniversary is certainly one of the hardest. It's the time when reality sets in. The hussle and bussle of the funeral and legal stuff is mostly out of the way, and much of the shock is gone. You realise that you're now facing a totally different life than before, one that seems like it will be filled with emptiness and sorrow. But for me personally the next few month 'anniverseries' [not a good choice of word I know] were slightly less hard hitting and were a bit easier to deal with.

Jo and I would talk about this. She would say things to me like "When I go, you'll find someone else won't you? I want you to find someone else and be happy". And I would reply "Don't be silly, of course not". But the last conversation of this nature, just before the final bout of illness which killed her, I replied: "Maybe, you never know". And she seemed so happy by my answer. So I guess that's basically my attitude now. The thought of being with somebody else, even after nearly ten months, just seems unpleasant and 'wrong'. But on the other hand I'm 46 years old, I never know who I may meet tomorrow and I don't totally discount the possibility of finding someone else. But they're going to have to measure up to Jo, and at the moment I'll be constantly making unfair comparisons, to the point where it'll be totally unfair on the lady. I don't like the idea of dating sites and agencies but maybe one day. I can't see myself actively 'looking' for quite some time. And I'm not totally sure I ever will. But I'm not going to turn a 'blind eye' either if you know what I mean.There is the slight possibility that one day someone may come into my life with whom I share a lot in common with and whom I find attractive. I doubt it, but there is the very slight possibility. Certainly not now, but maybe one day. I do think that some people [and I've been guilty of it too] are too quick to judge others. If someone finds somebody else quickly after the death of their spouse/partner, then it's not as if they'll suddenly stop thinking about their former love who would have wanted them to be happy. I'm not like that, but 'fair play' to them all the same. And we are all different after all.

I agree with the general sentiment of this topic. My Jo met her death without....as far as I could see....fear. I think we both knew a few days before....we didn't need words to say it, we just virtually knew....that it was going to happen and we prepared ourselves. And now....I'm not really afraid. It's just one of those things. And it's a release from pain. Sounds flippant I know. As for the afterlife....I want to believe. I'm a lapsed Catholic....was brought up as one but turned my back on it when I was about 15. So unfortunately I don't personally think there's an afterlife, but I want to believe that there is. I'm always so incredibly moved when I watch one of those old movies where somebody dies and meets their love in the afterlife, so it's a concept that touches me in a very deep way....and has done so for years. But I dunno....maybe I'll change my mind. It's best to be open after all....

AB3 I felt a similar way....I first found this forum a few days after my Jo died and joined it in desperation but was of the mind that I didn't really want to be a member [no offence intended to anyone who reads this] so I thought that I would try not to come back here unless I feel I need to. Six months or so down the line I felt that I needed to come here, read, and even [amazingly] post, so that's what I did and it was theraputic to do so. I do sometimes feel like I'm in a bubble here, but that's no surprise as I sometimes feel like that anyway when I'm walking down the street or at a social gathering.

It's only been 8 months for me but I've realised that there's no logic whatsoever to when you feel awful and when you feel 'not too bad'. Certain days I think I'll be terrible and I'm not that bad, more likely it just creeps up me unexpectedly on a random day and I just don't know what on earth to do with myself!

I think it's the nature of discussion forums....whatever the subject...that one is bound to sometimes post something and then be disappointed at either the lack of response or the way somebody else seems to have 'taken over' the thread. In most cases I don't think people mean any ill. From my point of view....okay I'm fairly new here and don't come on here that often, but....four or five times I've read a post and think about replying but [much like Marie I think] I just can't think of the right words or at least an appropriate response so I give up. This is especially when I feel very negative and don't want to risk upsetting the poster further. It doesn't mean that I haven't 'taken in' what the poster has written and felt anything. 8 months Marie Lee....I passed that two weeks ago. Exhausting is exactly the word....

Lovely pictures JHCP....I shouldn't be embarassed to say that photos of my wife and I's lounge on most Valentine's Days would have looked very similar! I set out to make a card scrapbook a few weeks ago as I think it's a beautiful idea but it just made me cry too much to finish so I only started it....just too early I guess!

Beach JoW.....my wife died last June so our 'times' are not that different! I wasn't too bad yesterday Valentine's Day, partly because I set myself a load of tasks. One of my hobbies is I review movies for a website, so I set myself the task of watching three films and reviewing them...I knew that would partly comsume my mind...I had some definite 'lows' and I struggled to actually get up out of bed, but it wasn't too bad overall The most depressing thing was looking at Facebook...I looked on it once and decided not to bother any more for a few days! But today was awful for much of the time. Possibly partly because we also made sure we had this particular week off work and went out all over the place, so I don't even have work to occupy me this week. I eventually went out and did a couple of things, but I felt like a robot.

The 5th of every month remains a depressing experience for me. But Saturday evenings also seem to be a low point. I'd get home from work and we would always go out for a meal or just watch several movies with a bottle of wine. Saturday evenings were 'our time'.Now, I still get home from work and say to myself "what the hell am I supposed to do now"?

A heartbreaking story Martha Jane, and you have me deepest sympathy. In the 17 years we were together [15 years married], I was as much a carer as I was a husband to my wife who had a whole host of medical conditions but most damagingly of all a hole in her heart which made her breathing difficult at times and she couldn't walk very far or run. We were constantly in and out of hospitals. There were times I got fustrated with her and almost lost patience. I tried not to show it but probably couldn't help but do so a few times. Guilt seems to be one of the most horrid things to deal with. Everyone I know, especially her family, says I virtually gave her a life and that I was wonderful to her. But I can't help but feel the opposite at times. We always wish we were better than we were with hindsight. Human nature I guess....

AB I feel the same way at the moment. I think it's being constantly negative socially that has in a way caused me to start posting on here. I feel sorry for my friends and family who constantly have to listen to my doom and gloom and want them to have a break from it. It can't be nice for them. It seems far 'safer' to rant and rage on here as everyone here has been through a similar experience and has felt some of the same things!

Thankyou for your very kind welcome Marge, I like it that there seems to be quite a variety of ages on here, but I've always enjoyed hanging out with people much older than me anyway almost as much as my own age group. "Word salads"...I like that!

Marie, it was seven months for me too not long ago. And yep, the body somehow seems to know when it's the 5th of every moment. I usually just get a splitting headache. And my asthma [which is usually very mild] gets bad for a few hours. So I can relate a bit!