Marie Lee

Karen - I can only imagine your pain- hugs. Gwen - Yes, I am finding it to be that way- and am trying to accept that I am going to be sad..really having a tough time .. I am planning to cancel all social plans this weekend.. just can't do it at this time of year. One day at a time- hugs everyone and thank you! Marie

Thank you Kay... I will work on positive imagery... watched a med show last night that portrayed a dying husband after a car wreck waiting for his wife to arrive... it was too much.. I turned off the TV and went to bed.. sleep did not come for a while... these June days are going to be tough... too many triggers...I guess allowing myself the time to feel the pain may be a bit of a therapy within itself. Hoping so anyway..I have a few social obligations and plans.. I know I need to socialize.. but I am not sure I have the strength to go...I know he wants me to Live, Love, Laugh... I just don't know how to do it without him...

This is going to be one helluva month for me... too many triggers...I know he wants me to embrace life wholeheartedly.... I just don't know how to do this all without him... Got to hold on tight on this ride...its going to be one helluva month... Hugs everyone- Marie

:-) Gin that makes me smile ...

It's so hard to fathom that I was in the same car... how do I have peace with this outcome?

Thank you George.. your thoughtfulness overwhelms me with much gratitude.... These are tough days for sure as I near the one year mark... oh how I miss my lumberjacks bear hugs!!!!! Peace- Marie

Eating is such a challenge in this solitary life ...there is such a social aspect to dining that is grossly absent and for me, subsequently the appeal is lost.... Its almost a year ... I still struggle.. buy food just to throw away later... Try to go out- as much with friends and family as possible.. ...but finding that motivation is another challenge... What isn't a challenge anymore? I actually cooked a decent meal for myself yesterday ... Maybe I will figure this new life out after all... night winds, Please take care of yourself- hugs, Marie

Hi Robin.. I hope today finds you well. I have not been on here much and when I have, I have been quiet. Your post was a lovely tribute to the love you shared. Thank you for the many times you shared your experiences and offered words of comfort... thanks to everyone really ... This journey of grief is not an easy path by any means... I wish there were more relationships as loving & supportive as this group has been. Please accept my late hug .. sending thoughts of much love and blessings your way...Marie

Praying for peace and rest for all our weary hearts ♥️ - Marie

Gwen - You said exactly what I think about a lot: I didn't know how much I loved him and was loved by him until I lost my husband ... I didn't want to be alone - don't mind solitude- but how do I do this now? Hugs- Marie

I have been blessed in this area. I have so far been surrounded by love and support. I do not take that lightly. I have witnessed first hand the squabbling over minute items. I am so very sorry JaseScott... This must cause great stress and heartache when you are already going through so much... I pray love and peace covers us all.. hugs, Marie

Thank you George :-)

Hi everyone.. still struggling here...as we all are. Thank you Patty.. and everyone else for your kindness and contributions to my post. My counselor tells me it has not been that long and to be patient with myself - less judgmental. Being positive is something I fell I should do.. but I don't succeed... and that's ok. I have heard of that book option B.. I know option A is no longer available.... but I have no idea what option B would be... My life view right now can be summed up as: I'm goo, how are you? Meaning I am the chrysalis stage of development- being broken down and reworked to become a butterfly.. Patty - yes.. the invisible cloak..never thought of this experience as a combat vet - interesting parallel..The naval hospital did have me attend PTSD/ grief counseling right after the wreck though ... hmm.. Hugs everyone, Marie

Thanks Kay and Kevin....my purpose bone is missing too...

Hi Gwen, There is no good way to lose your spouse. I am happy we had the time we had..certainly wish I would have done things differently. Experiencing a tragic, sudden loss brings other problems...but what loss doesn't ? Its all so surreal except this reality I live everyday lol! I am just thankful I have this space and this group to " talk" with. So much of my identity was wrapped up with him. I took his love and dedication for granted. I miss him. I miss our life. I miss it all.. I know I can't live life this way...just got to find a way to get through these next couple of months... Grieving is exhausting....this month has got me feeling I have just went back so far in my healing progress... I can't imagine what you went through....I am very sorry for your experience. Sending out love to all, Marie

Dr Lenera, It was ..and yet, not totally unpleasant....true :-).. And thank you for letting me know your appreciation. I plan to do some traveling...but do see myself going back to work some where..some time...all this solitude is for the birds, lol. I am learning a bit more about myself as I continue on this " journey" .... Anniversary is something we usually associate with happiness I guess, but there are moments in time we will never forget that will always be there to remind us. Kennedy's assassination , Elvis' death, the space shuttle explosion and 9/11 to name a few... I almost wish I was back in transportation at times working crazy hours and holidays to offset all this time on my hands... I can understand burying yourself in work...the therapy of it... I am concluding that May and June are just going to STINK...for the most part as I draw closer to the one year mark. There are way too many memories and events that happened...and the paradox of it not being but a year ago...one of the biggest memories is from last Memorial Day Weekend. We had taken the bike to the VA Cemetery last year. The beauty of the marble white stones, against the lush green grass and vibrant blue sky...the solemness of the venue...so fitting for the occasion. I never had a clue that a little over two weeks later, I would be back there, burying my husband. That's a hard to thing to come to terms with. Then my mind wonders, how in the heck is it possible I was right beside him in the car when we were struck? Such extremely different outcomes for us... I remember seeing the semi...and thought death was imminent and prayed...I don't remember the impact....and I wonder, did I hold his hand? There is much more to my memory that I won't bother you all with....it's just bizarre that this happened...it kind of takes on a " dreamlike" (ok more like nightmare )quality in my memory ...but it's a reality I lived. I thank you all for listening and I hope I don't make you all any sadder..but I guess we all already are...so I will be quiet now, lol... I feel I should embrace life and live it fully ... With this " gift" I have been given...I hope I can find the strength to do that soon... I do appreciate life....I just wasn't wanting this journey alone...how do people do this? Maybe I will get used to it? Hugs, Marie

Gwen, Ironically, I had that same conversation with my cousin earlier today. She is also a widow. We both say, thats how it is...you wonder, what the hell happened? And then...Now, what am I supposed to do? Hugs, Marie

Hi all, Yesterday was the 11 month mark of the accident where my life changed...in a time frame of seconds... I wondered around and ended up at a rooftop venue...lovely setting in our beautiful artsy side of town...and there was a wedding wrapping up. I was so moved by watching the lovely couple dance...I sent them a lovely bottle of red... The serendipity of the moment was staggering to me...I wants to tell them, love each other so dearly ....be tender and kind....but knew I had too many emotions and did not want to bring them down any notches on their lovely, beautiful day..and occasion...I felt privileged to be there and see their beauty. Today I received a thank you card for a bridal shower gift for our nephew and his lovely fiancé ...I look forward to their wedding...and hope the profound hurt inside will be manageable. I did elect to rent a house in a tranquil setting...as I know the emotions are going to be strong and all over the place for me. I guess this is the price we pay for a deep love.... I befriended a nice gentlemen last night as I navigated home...he lost his wife many years ago...and has thrown himself into work. He seemed so unhappy...I left thinking...afterward....how much money is enough? I hope he learns to step back and live again... It seems looking at the pictures and cards from My life with Kev is getting harder..I wonder, when will it get easier? When will my breathing not be so shallow with grief....when?..?..? I guess the beauty of life and love takes us to staggering heights ....and will also be equally in despair when ....we part from our beloved...our childhood friend and sweetheart....I hope he knows how very much I loved him, And how sorry I am for any pain I may have caused him.... I say childhood as I know how very young I was now when I met him at 19... Thanks for being there, everyone, trying to breathe today. Hugs, Marie

Much love all... I just spent a few minutes looking over the scrapbook I made from some cards Kev and I gave each other over the years.. I miss being in a relationship and having a partner...love....Sigh... Hugs, Marie

Hi everyone, Yes, my mind and my body remind me of the date and time frame I lost Kev. I am almost at the 11 month mark. May 12... Just got through our granddaughter's first bday....we were still in Indiana on this date last year helping our set daughter with her brand new baby girl ..giddy with love for her and all the things we looked forward to as grandparents. I see so much of him in her....her little feet, the shape of her eyes.... Last Memorial Day we rode the Harley to the VA cemetery..... I had no idea that I would be laying to rest, my patriot ...my husband of 28.5 years in that very area not even a month later. Srill wading through the pain...wondering where my feet will land, Hugs, Marie Night winds, such a beautiful picture ..Tks for sharing. May God bless us all.

Carol Ann, I like the essential oils idea....glad you have a sounding board Maynard....and Gwen, I am glad you have a financial advisor. I think I found one at the bank yesterday ...so, hopefully, this will be one burden lifted...somewhat. I did finally decide to just stay put in this house, in the country. I can go to the artsy side of town and walk parks, and then to the beaches at my convenience. I still struggle with being alone. I have avoided a few group meet upsw recently as I just get tired of going every where alone... I have a very understanding gentleman that is becoming a true friend. I am not sure I can offer more than friendships and he is ok with that. I have went on some dates...it's ok....maybe I will figure out my new chapter. I do miss physical contact but don't want to do something I will regret.... I have my nephews wedding coming up in CO. I booke a vacation rental.....now to make airline reservations and get a rental car....all these things Kev always liked doing...I say to people, aim guess it's time for me to grow up! Lol My daughter in law was telling me a story of the butterfly...when it's in transition form, the cocoon ..it's goo.. It became a funny joke for us, as we were talking about conversation when meeting people, the dreaded questions, what do you do for a living and then telling them I am a widow ...the conversation takes a nose dive... But our joke was, -hello; I am goo, how are you? We got a good chuckle out of it. It is interesting that the caterpillar has to be broken down to be built back up...and, the more it struggles the longer it lives. Interesting parallels...God is always showing us Life is beautiful and worth it , but it's not easy... I was talking to my cousin about all my experience with being a widow, from the guilt at surviving the accident, to the online dating world..making major financial decisions , missing physical touch...she commented on how much I was going through..she hadn't thought of some of the obstacles, etc....and encouraged me to allow myself to feel whatever I am feeling...not to let others make me feel bad for my feelings....even to be angry at it ....because it does STINK. Anger would be good, it would be energy....lately, I just read,,,surf the net for whatever idea or chat with someone...online,etc... Today I have a counseling session, then lunch with my mom, then home to my puppy :-). Maybe I will start some housework.. Its just me....so I don't care if it's a little messy ...but I really need to start caring...soon...at least I get up and get dressed...even put on makeup most days! Thanks for letting me rattle on...hugs, Marie

Thanks Cookie, yea...I guess we are all in the same boat. Huh?

Hello everyone, I so needed to read all this today. Still struggling....in every way, really....as we all are. We had Evelyn's first birthday party here Sat....it was beautiful....had a professional photographer to capture the family,etc...It's not often both children, their spouses and grandchildren are together... I try to stay in the moment, but I can't help but be a tiny bit sad inside, I have a pic of me ant my grandbabies....I picture Kev right behind us, with his big lumberjack arms around us.... I have some major financial decisions to make without my rock. I don't mind putting myself out there at meetups, etc....but I do get so tired of making myself stay strong, be social,reach out ...doing everything alone..... Will I ever get used to that? With love to all, Marie ps a scripture I had today was of Paul saying forgetting the past and pushing forward to the future.... trying to to find that energy to push forward....

Hello Darrel, I am doing...ok...some days are better and then some are not so good...but, trying to make my life happier... People still don't understand and when you talk about it..it seems weird....so, that remains an obstacle. As you say, one foot in front of the other. Thanks for the hug! Marie

Hi Darrel, Glad to see you back on here...you have a wonderful way with words and are often very helpful .. Sorry for your bad day....hugs, Marie