TomPB

Coming home, I see the mat where I keep my shoes and notice that Susan's are not there. Susan's bells ring as I open the door and I'm staring at shelves holding Susan's childhood shell collection. I go in our bedroom, step on a rug from Susan's parent's house to change, and see Susan's side of the bed, unchanged since 3/31/17. I put my keys and wallet on top of the dresser from her room in that house, along with the jar holding the things she had with her when she went to the doctor on 3/31/17 to be told she "might have pneumonia". Making dinner I'm aware of Susan's choice of countertop and backsplash. I'm concious of using our plates, our pans, our utensils, our trays and our fridge and stove and thinking of when we got them. There are a few things with turtles. I'll remember how she used to set timers for cooking while I always wing it. Maybe I'll catch a glance at the cookie making things, or in the freezer see the frozen berries she used to put in yogurt for lunch, still there. Cookbooks we got in the 70s. I'm aware of how she loved our beautiful hardwood floor and designed the exceptionally bright kitchen. At the windows by the deck her gardening things remain and the pillows we bought together. The deck seen through the windows reminds me of what a happy urban gardner she was.... I could go on, and more in every room including paintings of us by Susan's sister. Susan is everywhere in this home and in my mind. It's good but every good memory brings the pain of loss. I'm really a lost 🐼

George, very sorry I didn't respond to your 2/16 post. Seems we both have traumatic sudden loss so I know very well the horror and empathize. I have also experienced disappointing response from Susan's family. She is oldest of 11 and her siblings grew up with me, and they all are fine if I contact them, but only 2 would ever reach out and ask me how I'm doing. Not what I'd expected. Grief has been high in this 2 yr anniversary month. Swim practice is usually a time when I can forget the world but today I had a grief attack in the pool. My counselor says "don't miss this part" meaning live the life I have now, but I would like to miss the part without Susan. Best wishes TomPB

Yes. Not having that person to care AND having memories of what used to be.

Usually we'd get to Tortola on Wed, check out & provision the boat and sleep on it at the marina Wed night, and be sailing the Caribbean on Th feeling so free. We'd usually take a short hop to Norman Island, get a mooring in Kelly's cove, and spend the rest of te day relaxing and swimming. Then we'd head north, tacking against the trade winds, to Virgin Gorda and today would be in N. Sound at the Bitter End Yacht Club. BEYC was one of our favorite places and, fitting with my mood, was destroyed by the hurricane. There was nothing like snuggling in the vee-berth with Susan, or sitting in the cockpit lightly touching her while she steered. Now I'm home alone in dark snowy Boston watching BBall on TV and working. Will do my nightly Susan meditation in a bit. Usually I can talk to Susan and look at her pictures OK but last night I cried through the whole exercise. Best to all Tom🐼

Our 2 year loss anniversary month is here. On 3/1/17 at this time we would be landing in St Thomas on our way to the Water Island campground, where we had a wonderful last vacation with no hint that Susan had a month to live. On 3/1/19 I'm sitting home by myself. For the first year I cried in the shower after swim practice. Haven't done that lately but did today and a whole lot more. Some life!

Amen, Gwen. I know some of us have more serious problems. All I had was the flu after Christmas, but it was my first time sick since losing Susan and it was lonely and terrible. When you're ill there's nothing like knowing that you are the #1 priority of your loved one (who is #1 for you), and having had that for 48 years it's a shock to be without it.

Gwen, I know "starved for affection" doesn't even begin... I'm trying to say that even this one thing is devastating, and yet there is so much more. Yes, "skin hunger" is a good one...Tom

Hi All, I've been thinking that I just repeat the same grief thoughts and feelings over and over and get sick of hearing myself. That said, I'm dreading the coming of March and my iffy relationships with woman friends are putting the focus on the fact thet I'm starved for affection. No one to say I love you and hear it from me. No one who wants to touch me and be touched. No one to make love with. No one to call me PB. No one to say "don't worry about it". No one to surprise me with an amazing present. No one to remind me of something we did a long time ago. No one to knit something for me. No one to make cookies and bring me one. No one to share what I cook....... Thats just one of the countless aspects of grief, but to keep it really simple, losing the affection that Susan poured out to me on a daily basis is bad enough to make life really sad. Super windy in Boston. Clear and 36 deg but wind 36 with gusts to 47 mph. Best wishes to all TomPB

I hear you, Darrell, and totally understand. I miss all that too. Best Birthday Wishes Tom🐼

Just back from Austin TX and ABQ NM. On 2/13 I went to Austin for the annual meeting of the org with which I'm making my primary effort to make Susan remembered. It was an incredible high with so much love in the room after I spoke. Everyone agreed tht Susan was with us. Then on V-day I went to AA and showed my Heart that Susan knitted for me on our last, when we had no clue that she had just a month and a half to live. A guy at the mtg was grieving his mom who had been murdered on V-day so we bonded over that. Then to ABQ to stay with a woman friend who I thought of as a possible new partner. Long story short, looks like not happening. We did some nice things but she kept her distance in a way I had not expected and on Sun I had gone from the peak to the trough of the wave. I'm OK now but unsure what next with this relationship which is important to me. Then Mar coming, my big month. 3/1/17 we left for our last vacation and Susan was going up and down the hills on the island like a teenager, 3/31/17 she departed this world and left her 🐼 behind to navigate grief world.

What kind of new partnership is possible when my mind is full of my soulmate (48 yrs of unconditional love) is, for me, one of the most important questions for going on with my life.

Amen!

Shirley, my counselor wrote that once the most intense grief passes there is often a state of deep sadness, and I think I've entered it. I'm not deeply sad all the time, but I go from being OK in my current life to being hit with the thought that it's a fake life, nothing is real without Susan. I'm feeling very strongly that I repeat the same grief thoughts and feelings endlessly and I'm sick of listening to myself, which is why I've been less active here. Coming up on V-day, where Susan geve me a Heart she knitted on our last, in 2017. Cards say hope for many more, and she had a month and a half to live. This week I'm going to the annual mtg of the org where Susan was active on the Board and I established scholarships in her memory. Wed is a dinner for the first awardees. Will be hyper emotional. I like sci-fi too. Recommend "The Expanse" on Amazon. Best to all, TomPB

I get it about the planter. We had a wonderful marriage but now I'm constantly thinking of thiings about Susan that I didn't appreciate enough or took for granted. So in losing her I've learned how to love better than I did when we were together, and it's painful that I can't use those lessons with Susan.

Susan wasn't a football fan but I've been thinking today how I wish she would be sitting next to me knitting and ignoring the game as TB12 the G.O.A.T. leads the NE Patriots to his 6'th Super Bowl win!

Exactly. With no doubt whatsoever, I knew I was Susan's #1 priority and she knew she was my #1 priority. I actually took that for granted, but now I realize it gave us a wonderful, warm, secure feeling. Compared to that I now feel exposed.

Dee, remembering happy times is part of my meditation. Aa with everything, the problem is getting past the pain of the loss. My counselor emphasizes having gratitude for what Susan gave me. She points out that I torture myself for not having enough gratitude for having her when I did, and I shouldn't repeat the mistake. But it's easy for me to say there's nothiing to be grateful for NOW. Super cold in Boston and for me one of the happiest times was simply being inside with Susan having a hot chocolate or something like that, holding on to each other. Maybe doing a crossword together - I started one today. When I do that I always write to her on the page. One reason I can see to go on is to do everything I can to make sure Susan is remembered. I supported scholarships in her name at an organization where she was active on the Board and I'm going to their annual meeting to meet the first awardees and discuss future plans. That will be hyper emotional.

Dee, I'm hoping for a loving dream where I see her clearly. I have to write them down, even if it means getting up when I don't want to, or they're usually gone. However a rare one is so clear I can remember without writing. Maybe as I write more I will remember better...might be happening. Just finished my Susan meditation and realized that I remember her parent's house in VA in amazing detail, even to what food was where on the shelves, what old toys were lying around etc. Strange something can be so present in my mind when it's long gone...TomPB

Maybe Susan is seeping through She has been in my dreams more. I can't see her face and she's just saying some daily life thing - the other night she asked if I really wanted to wear those pants. I hope that will lead to a loving dream where I see her brilliant smile....TomPB

I doubt that we differ, Gwen. I said SOME, not all.

Part of the meditation I do every night is to think of some happy times. Some of the happiest times for me were not vacations or celebrations but when I was taking care of Susan, when she was sick or recovering from a medical procedure. Gave me a great feeling, and of course I knew she'd do the same for me.

27 years for me. Sparkling cider was our go-to holiday beverage. Pot shops in MA now. I'm intrigued by edibles. Gummy Bears, hmmmm. But I don't think so.

Me too. Someone has to go first in every loving couple. When I talked to Susan through the psychic, she said she did because she is more telepathic and could teach me how to reach out to her spirit on the other side. When I talk to her every night I say well, you're not doing a very good job. She says it's hard to get through that thick 🐼 skull. I always tried to protect Susan and one positive thought is that by going thru this hell I'm saving her from grief world. OTOH she was so much more serene than me that I think she could handle it a lot better. Still can't wrap my mind around going from Susan having a bad cough but apparently nothing more to her leaving this mortal world in about 10 min. From having the circle of love we'd built over 48 years in place to being alone. Thoughts like that were magnified with the flu. First time sick since being alone. I'm over flu now. Swam this AM and felt surprisingly strong. But I'll never be over losing my other half. Best wishes to all for 2019, be it enjoying or surviving. Tom🐼 ps brother and sister also got flu over same period so pretty clear we got it our Christmas get-together. THAT's family sharing, LOL

Yes, NY Eve. We'd watch the early fireworks on the Common, then have sparkling cider and a fruit tart, or maybe Susan's cookies, later. Now it's nothing. With the flu my instinct is to look forward to getting better. Now I think, so what, I'll still be without Susan. Best wishes to all, Tom🐼

No snow in Boston but I have either flu or food poisoning. I think it's the first time I've been sick since living alone and I have very dark thoughts lying in bed alone, thinking about how Susan would have been looking out for me. I've had some nice texts and advice from one woman friend and another brought me liquids but it doesn't fill that hole. Best to all TomPB