shebert56

Blessings to all of you for Christmas. I chose to drive four states away to spend Christmas with family. I have to admit, it's been quite emotional. I'm happy to be here, but in some ways sad to be away from home. This being my first without Stephen, not sure what I was going to feel. The normal quiet is filled with constant stimulation, and it has been overwhelming. Whatever we do, wherever we are, Merry Christmas and peace to all. ~Shirley

Jame, I understand intimately. Stephen made his transition August 10. I have managed and struggled. This week I spent each day making little stocking ornaments for my Christmas tree out of Stephen's two favorite pair of socks. Crudely hand sewn, but with all of my love. Darrel, my heart is full reading you are able to release this. No one is guilty, but it sure is hard to make your heart feel that. I never felt guilt or anger. For me it serves no purpose and in the afterlife we are not judged. You gave Cookie the greatest gift of all. The gift of caring and loving her, and with grace, knowing when to give her back to the light. I did the same with Stephen. We will always miss our other half. It's just the road we travel, bumps and all. But we keep moving forward. As we all struggle, in our own way, to make it from one moment to the next, my heartfelt wishes to all of you is peace on your little bit of this earth. ~Shirley

Just received an invitation to attend Stephen's company's annual holiday dinner next Friday. It was so nice of them to include me, and for that I am grateful. But I declined. I made it through Thanksgiving so much better than I could have imagined. But this event, not four months out from Stephen's transition, I cannot do. I'm not sad about not doing it. I'm being protective of me. ~Shirley

Gin, I imagine the walls are closing in, but do be careful. Rethinking what we do, and how we do it... I'm just learning that. I am still wearing my Supergirl cape, but it's a little frazzled so I make myself try to rethink before I do. Can't imagine dealing with snow, much less ice and the dangers that provides. I hope you're doing okay after your slip. Hugs, Shirley

Jack, I am so sorry for your loss. We've all been where you are now, so we feel you. We feel it intimately. I remember joining, then finding it way too painful to read posts here, in the early days. However, this group is now a godsend for me. Reach out to us, day or night. Come back to read, vent, cry, scream - we validate your grief and are living it with you. Hugs, Shirley

So so true. I've learned that you cannot just ignore the waves and try look the other way. You must ride them, then come out on the other side. Even though they're painful. We're here for you Amy. ~Shirley

Amy, everyone's grief is so different. But I can tell you the coming in huge waves is very normal. I'm three months out, and for me, it's softer. Shane's love will always be with you. And his spirit will always be connected to yours. I had Stephen's ring resized and wear it next to mine. ~Shirley

An excerpt from "It's OK That You're Not OK" I find profound: "My fellow widowed people, my fellow grievers, the other broken hearts - together we knit a story of survival inside pain that can't be fixed. And we did it, simply, by telling the truth. We accepted the immoveable reality of loss. We stayed by each other inside it. We acknowledged each other's truth. That's the power of acknowledgement: it comes up beside pain as a companion, not a solution. That's how we get through this, side by side with other devastated, broken-hearted people. Not trying to fix it. Not trying to pretty it up. But by telling the truth, and by having that truth witnessed, acknowledged, heard." I acknowledge all of you and hear your pain and your truth. Hugs, Shirley

I've always had the tradition of addressing Christmas cards over Thanksgiving weekend, then mail them the first week of December. I woke up and decided to carry on this tradition. I went right out to pick up cards and signed them Shirley & Stephen, with Stephen's name surrounded by an outline of a heart. He still is, and always will be, a part of my heart, and I intend to acknowledge that for him and for me. And when I was finished, it just felt so right. ~Shirley

Amy, I just wanted to send you a warm hug. We have walked the path that you are on now. Come back here to this wonderful family to share your feelings, vent, cry, ask questions. Anytime, day or night. This community has been a godsend. You will find unconditional love and support here. We are here for you. ~Shirley

Oh sweet Gwen, Steve knows. He really does know.... ~Shirley

@Mitch, dear close friends of mine lost one of their sons six or seven years ago. A month ago, while they were in the kitchen, their son's wallet that has been sitting on a shelf quietly for years, sudden slipped off the shelf and fell on the counter. They laughed, said hi to their son, and put the wallet back. I have learned through my process that there are no coincidences. ☺️

Stephen pinged me this week. Twice while the television was on, the cable box turned off on its own. And my cable box, TV and sound bar were all out of sync. This morning they all synced again. Our loved ones are now pure blessed energy; it's one of the easy ways they can reach out to us. I thanked Stephen for saying hi. I heard a trueism recently that just as you wouldn't want your neighbor knocking on your door all day long, you really wouldn't want your loved one doing the same thing. If you feel in your heart and soul you are receiving a sign of love, trust that it is.

@kayc, what a great outlook. Of course we miss their physical presence. George's spirit will be with you just as Stephen's will be with me. The spirits of our loved ones will be with us all. 💗

Blessings to you Katie. And Blessings to us all. ~Shirley

I made the call to have Thanksgiving lunch (mid-afternoon) at a restaurant with a single neighbor. She's the one person I can let my hair down with. I was invited to numerous neighbors, but you know, it's their time with their family. The lunch I could easily cop out and say no. So easy. But I'm going and will try to have a descent time. I've been pretty house bound, and the walls are closing in. I'm not a shopper, definitely not at this time of year, and parks and such I wouldn't go alone. Gotta break up the rut I'm in. ~Shirley

I have all of Stephen's, and he saved mine. I haven't been able to look at any of them yet. I am grateful that over the years I recorded with my camera moments of Stephen playing with Louie when Louie was a puppy. Watching them makes me laugh. I do have one video when we bought a small generator, of him showing the steps to turn it on, all with his voice. And smile. I'm grateful I have those.

@MartyT, I would have it removed if Stephen was here. I'm not brave enough quite yet to tackle that alone. I'm going to wait until next year, when I move home near family. Then I'll address it right away. (Louisiana, here I come!) ~Shirley

Krissy, very well said. The soul is eternal. Sarah and Noah will always be with you. Always. Hugs, Shirley

Quick update on my eyes. All well, other than the right cataract has changed my vision. It hasn't grown, but it prevents 20-20 in that eye. No macular degeneration or glaucoma! I don't focus on seeing the slight halo and can see past it. The doc even agreed that there's nothing that needs doing until I really feel it significantly affects my vision. One last appt to make next week. Dermatologist. Stephen harped on me for years to get a physical, once a small bit of melanoma in situ was discovered behind one of his ears. Time to stop promising to do so, and do it. My back muscle spasm went away in three days, so good to go there. ~Shirley

Okay, so off to put Stephen's Tshirt in a zip lock bag. I loved the sweaty smell of him, although he couldn't stand it. I kept his favorite hat, but it had been washed. His wader boots I am connected to, as trout fishing was something he adored doing. I'm glad he introduced me to that one opening trout season in New Jersey, when it was almost 32 degrees and I couldn't feel my feet from the cold stream. I caught my limit of fish before any of the men on the stream, and we often laughed about that. My man loved fishing....!

Krissy, everyone's pace is different. You know your heart. Follow it. What worked for me is if I picked it up and it felt wrong, I left it alone. I did clean out the toiletries rather quickly, keeping one or two items. When I did this, it did feel to me as though I was moving towards healing inside of the grief. I was about four weeks out when I packed Stephen's clothing for donation. When I did this, it felt right in my soul. I kept the really meaningful items. His favorite Tshirts, a few beat up shorts that I can wear, etc. Items that mean the most to me. I'm grateful that I have these items. ~Shirley

Kayc, what a kind and gentle way to honor George. I am putting up all the outdoor lights (minus the gutters as that was Stephen's part and I'm not hauling a ladder all around my home). Stephen loved the outdoor lights. I'm on the fence about the tree this first year. I will decide what's best for me when the time comes. Thanksgiving was never a big celebration for us. We cooked what we would cook any other day. Then Stephen binged on football. I may cook a special meal from something we have in the freezer that he picked up before he became ill. But I give myself the right to eat grilled cheese if that's what I want. We quit exchanging gifts many many years ago. We typically spent that money on Toys for Tots or a local food bank. I'll continue the tradition and honor Stephen by doing that. My sister, who I will be spending Christmas with, arranged for she and I to deliver meals to shut-ins (her church participates in a program) on Christmas day. I can't think of a better way to spend Christmas this first year without Stephen than by doing something unselfish for those more in need than me. Oh, George will be there.... even though your heart may tell you differently, he will be there.... 💙 ~Shirley

krissyaldridge, I am so sorry for your loss. Know that this is an amazing community who are here to listen and love unconditionally. Come here anytime you need to talk. I needed and still do need moments of validation for what I am going through, or feeling. I find it here. I don't measure time by "a day at a time." It's more "a minute at a time." I have moments of sharp clarity that Stephen is still here. As I am spiritual and not religious, I am venturing into afterlife awareness. It speaks to me, but I'm very early in the process. I know in my heart that he is in spirit and will be eternally connected to my soul. But it doesn't make me miss his physical presence any less. My thoughts and prayers are with you. ~Shirley

I spent Halloween at a neighbors three doors down. Stephen loved Halloween. Every year we would dress up and set up a little table in the driveway, listen to spooky music, drink a glass or two of wine, while giving out candy. I couldn't bare it alone this year. Maybe in the future. Maybe not. It ended up being very quiet. I believe my neighbor received 12 trick or treaters. But it provided a distraction. She's a good listener and I just rambled on. Yesterday was our neighborhood's annual block party. Informal gathering, bring a dish and a chair. Listen to the two man band. I forced myself to go. Stayed for an hour chatting with neighbors, then came home. I called my sister crying..... I feel no joy, is this normal? She validated yes it is. Still sucks though. I don't mind forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone, but man, it works on my soul. I have one clock in my garage that obviously decided to actually connect to the "world clock," whatever that is, and when I woke up, it had set itself to the correct time. Spooky somehow.... ~Shirley