shebert56

Mitch, there is no right or wrong answer to this question. We all grieve in different ways, just as our lives and our loves are different. I will never search for a new love. I had the one I wanted and I'm at peace with that. I have managed to move forward to acceptance for what is, and gratitude for being so blessed to have had my life with Stephen. When I speak of gratitude, it's always about being deeply grateful for having him in my life. I would not shed my grief for one second, if that meant wiping out the love and life I had with Stephen. I carry the badge of grief, but I also carry the badge of love. Hugs, Shirley

Mitch, without you in this life, Tammy would not have had the joy of sharing it with you. I wish you a blessed day. There are many days to mark, many days to simply let go by. It's perfectly acceptable either way. Hugs, Shirley

Terra, wanted to send some love and light to you and your sons. First, thank you and your beloved husband for your service. Both of you have paid the ultimate price. "Anniversaries" are tough times. There will be many, but hold your head up and walk through the grief with grace and gratitude for having your wonderful man share life with you. And remember to pause in life to take a breath. Your husband's soul is eternally connected to yours. Don't doubt that for a moment. Hugs, ~Shirley

Karen, wanted to send you love and light. I am so sorry to hear of your beloved husband's departure. I am sure others will share words of wisdom regarding the upcoming weddings. But I can say I celebrated my 10th wedding anniversary May 2 (my Stephen departed in August 2018). I choose not to say "would have been." My soul is eternally connected to his, so I am married to him for all of time, wherever that time may be. I can validate that being part of this community/tribe has been a lifesaver for me. This is a safe place. We'd be honored to hear more about your husband. Say his name - for me saying Stephen keeps his memory real and forward. Share your thoughts, your pain, your anger - we've been there. Hugs, ~Shirley

My 10th wedding anniversary was Thursday. I will always mark those as "my xxx anniversary" instead of "would have been my xxx anniversary." The days before that date were horrible with anticipatory grief. The actual day I held very close to my heart with gratitude and no grief. I am recognizing that for me, the unknown is worst than the actual event. Stephen was raised Russian Orthodox. His mother gifted all of her children with two small beautiful gold guilded glass framed religious icons. He never hung them as neither he nor I had a preference for religious items. I have pondered what to do with these items for some time now. A neighbor down the road from me, older couple, I discovered are very loving of icons and was told have many hanging in their home. Our neighborhood had its annual garage sale, so I walked over with these icons and approached her. I explained the significance of them, that I lost my husband, that although they may not be orthodox, she might like to have them. She and her husband are Ukranian Catholic. When she saw the upraised writing on one of the icons, and read it out loud, she turned to me with delight and said "It's written in Ukranian." (Stephen's ancestry is Russian.) I cannot tell you how full my heart was walking home. Knowing that these meaningful things to Stephen are now in the hands of someone to whom they are also meaningful. There are no coincidences. So at the end of what was a tough beginning of the week ended in full gratitude. I wish all of you moments of peace and gratitude. ~Shirley

Same here Johnny. I do have family out of state, but no one where I am now. Neighbors I say hi to if I see them out when I walk my pup. People will come and go in your grief life. At the beginning, my neighbors were a godsend providing support, checking in, bringing food. But life returns to normal for them. I don't fault them for that. People outside of grief don't mean to say the wrong thing. We're in a unique and sensitive place, and sometimes even if they DO say the right thing, our heart and soul aches just the same. We in grief walk in a fog, a shadow of sorts. On the flip side, I've run into absolute angels along the way, mostly in the grocery store. I would have missed them completely, had I not been for a moment open and sensitive to my surroundings. And yeah, it took me many tryes to go do the simplest of shopping and not feel panic or weepy or look someone in the eye. But it eventually came. I had a day of pacing. Eating and pacing. And more pacing. On top of that, I slept maybe four very broken hours last night. I finally threw my hands up and took medication. I validate and absolutely know that it's not taking grief away. I just needed a break from the cycle, and I'm perfectly fine with that. This is something for anxiety, and I only take a quarter of a tablet (which at this dosage is teeny tiny amount). It doesn't remove the pain, but it does take the edge off. Do you have a primary care doctor you could talk to about something for anxiety? Hugs to you Johnny. I feel your pain. ~Shirley

Johnny, you will one day be able to view those special, intimate items with less grief and more gratitude. Blessings to you for having someone special in your life in which those memories are made. Remember, the reason it hurts so much is because the love was so good. I am approaching May 2 which is Stephen and my 10th wedding anniversary. My spirit is connected eternally to his, so each of those will be marked as an anniversary (as opposed to "would have been"). The love is eternal between your spirit and Rene'e's. The spirit connection is never broken. She just lives in another frequency. But oh she does live! Hugs, Shirley

Nancy, I wanted to send some love and light your way. What you are feeling is so normal at the beginning. I'm 8 months in, situation similar to yours (husband had cancer, surgery, treatment, pneumonia, life support, and I let him go). Way too quick for a lot of us, no time to process. I walked many days, or many moments, in the disbelief fog. I, like you, never had anger, and I'm so blessed for that. For me there was no point in being angry. It wasn't healthy to my soul, and Stephen wouldn't have wanted that for me. I've moved forward, shifted in my grief process. I am in a place of acceptance, where I can smile and remember my life with Stephen with love and grace and gratitude. Do I still have moments when grief comes calling? Of course I do. As it did last night. Come here often, share your grief or simply read. This is a loving family of connected souls. We are with you. Hugs, Shirley

Johnny, I thought this very same thing. But one day a couple of months out, I actually did get up and dance. I can find pleasant feelings in a lot of things now that I didn't eight months ago. I absolutely know Stephen would want that for me. He would want me to find some small pleasure in evert day. Rene'e would want you to as well. ~Shirley

What a beautiful photo that honors both you and Rene'e. Have no doubt that in spirit, the love and joy you two share is eternal. Hugs, Shirley

Johnny, so proud of you for making it through church today. Don't doubt for a minute that Renee's spirit wasn't with you. How could she not be. 💙 There will be a time when you can do the smallest of things without the big breakdown. And there will be times when the breakdown comes out of the blue over nothing. These are all part of the process. Painful as they are (even for me), allow yourself to walk through them. At first I tried to take a deep breath and put it aside. Now I go outdoors, lift my head, go through the tears, and thank Spirit and Stephen for being with me at that moment. Yesterday I was able to view some small videos I am blessed to have of Stephen. Most of him with our pup Louie. One of him showing and giving instructions how to start the small generator (which I needed to do today just to run it). The videos made me laugh and smile without being teary. Hugs, Shirley

Tom, there are no "coincidences." Methinks Susan and Tamy are at work here. ❤️

Mitch, I know this feeling. But I realized Stephen would WANT me to find moments of comfort. I can now feel comfort. Do I still grieve? Yes I do. I for one have accepted in my soul that no matter how much "I want," it won't change what happened. I still choose to move forward. Is it a bumpless? No. But I'm still moving. Even if there is just a spark of pleasure or comfort in your day, embrace it. Tammy would want you to have good moments in your life. You are not dishonoring her or her memory if you do. 💙 ~Shirley

Darrel, sending you blessings and good wishes for your upcoming move! I will be doing the same in the next six months. Moving from Florida, where I have zero family, back to about an hour west of New Orleans (where all of my family is). I experienced my share of hurricanes during my years in Florida. And yes, I'm going from a smaller hurricane target area to a larger one. I was born and raised there and have experienced many hurricanes and know the drill. But for me it's going back home where I belong. New horizons, new adventures! Hugs, ~Shirley

I wanted to send you some love and validate all that you are feeling. I would love to know your husband's first name. For me, it helps to read and type my Stephen's name. We are so sorry for your husband's passing. I was just thinking. How many of us had the conversation of one of us will go first. I certainly never thought I'd be the one left. But I am, and I know Stephen wants me to go forward. And you will do the same. A lot of business for you to take care of. And you're making good progress. Grief is a process. Just when you think you have good control of it, you find another grief moment arrives. Your doctor was correct that you can't stop the grief. You must let the grief come, feel it, and walk through it. Then you come out on the other side of it. It gets softer with time..... I happen to believe that life is not over when someone passes (I use transition). Their spirit is pure light and energy, and it's always with us. The love never dies. Yes, you can keep going, one day, or even one minute, at a time. Your husband would want that for you. You still have a purpose and living to do. Hugs, Shirley

I'm a big peanut butter fan as well. Dee, I grew up eating white bread, peanut butter, sliced bananas, sprinkled with a bit of sugar. That was a huge treat for me. Chuckling, as I mentioned that to Stephen once. He was a texture guy. The thought of all those soft things together wasn't appealing to him. Gwen, apples slices and peanut butter is awesome. Update - the PB worked like a charm with Louie's pill. I'm blessed that he doesn't mind eating pills. Once the vet gave him liquid antiobiotics. Well that went over like a lead balloon. I had to go back for the pills. Lesson learned. Hugs, Shirley

Never thought about peanut butter. Louie loves that stuff. Going to give that a try today. Also changing his snacks. No more cheese and bacon. Moving on the cauliflower, broccoli and edamame. Those are the only veggies he will eat. I tried carrots and green beans, and all I got was "the finger" from him. HA! A good day to all. I'm treating myself out to a movie today. Time to do something just for me. Hugs, Shirley

Hi everyone, checking in here. Been reading so I keep up with you! Gwen, blooming in Florida is an understatement. Allergies, even for people like me who really aren't overly sensitive, are horrible. Even the stuff that knocks me out doesn't help. Love spring but could do without so much pollen. Last week was full of plumbing issues to take care of. Snowball effect, one thing lead to another, then another. Three visits from the plumber and a new dishwasher. Finally done. My westie, Louie, went in for annual bloodwork Monday, and his liver enzymes are super elevated. He's now on a supplement that helps with liver health. It's a huge people-size pill and supposed to administer on empty stomach. Well, the only way I can get him to eat any medication is in a small piece of cheese with another small piece chaser. Cannot shove this down his throat, as even I would have trouble swallowing it. His metabolism is constantly changing due to diabetes, but this is the first time liver is high. Now I am monitoring his outdoor activity to ensure he's not munching on something in the back yard that I'm not seeing. Just marked 7 months. Was doing okay until a few days ago with moments of grief. I'm not beating myself up as I know it's normal. I just walk through it, dust myself off, then keep moving forward. Still sucks though. Love to all, ~Shirley

Tom, this is exactly how I feel. I embrace this enlightenment! The only difference is that I don't think about the "what if's," again, as I can only move forward. I have recently moved from a state of grief, to one of acceptance. I still miss Stephen, but I can think of him and our times together with joy and a smile instead of pain and tears. I have also picked up my first non-self-help book (serious sci-fi is my thing) and am enjoying. I haven't read a book since Stephen transitioned almost six months ago. And at the end of the day, I don't move into a shock or surprise that I haven't grieved for him. Or thought of him every single minute. I know he's busy, and I've got living to do. He certainly wants that for me. I've moved on to another level spiritually again. My heart and soul are coming into sync, and I'm feeling more love and grace and gratitude. I step lighter these days in that my feet don't feel so heavy carrying my hurting heart. I wish moments of the same for all of you. ~Shirley

Darrel, your post made me smile. When Stephen and I were dating, we watched the superbowl together one year via phone and webcam (in that we lived two hours away from each other). It was one of the most memorable days, and we talked about that for years. That silliness bonded you two eternally. I have watched just bits and pieces of football this year. Stephen was counting the months before football season. I know he's enjoying it though! ~Shirley

I cannot recall Stephen's voice. Other than a short video I have as well (instructions how to start the generator), I have zero recall. And it sometimes haunts the heck out of me.... I can recall his laugh though. And in hindsight, that should be more comforting to me. The joyful laugh. Like most of us, we want to hear from them vocally. Blessed be those that do. I do hold out great hope that I will when the time is right for it to happen. ~Shirley

I have to share my afternoon. Late morning, I began to grieve. I've had partial days of grief since I return home Sunday. When checking my mail, I found a card taped to my door from a neighbor. Inside was written "Whatever soothes your soul and gives you peace and happiness is wished for you this year." Then when needing to get out, I drove to Walgreens. Browsing the Christmas stuff, I ran into a woman who had me laughing with her sense of humor at picking up something that obviously wasn't supposed to be on the sale shelf and how this would go down when she checked out. After a few moments, I told her that I lost my husband four months ago, and that it is said angels come in all forms, so keep your eyes open for them. I told her she was my angel today. She then chuckled and said honey, I had a lung removed due to cancer 13 years ago, and here I still am! I find something to laugh about every day! To top it off, we parked near each other. She actually came over to me and gave me her name and phone number. She said if you need to talk, or to laugh, call me anytime. Wow. So remember, angels are everywhere. We sometimes just don't see them. ~Shirley

Indeed I did! So thoughtful, thank you! And this starts my new day off perfectly! Although tradition in my home dictates that the holiday tree and lights are up until January 7, I took the tree down yesterday. The outside lights come down today. I'll start back up with the tradition next year. January 7 is my next challenge, as that is Russian Christmas. Stephen was Orthodox. I do have perogies in the freezer that Stephen ordered last year. I'll celebrate him with these. ~Shirley

Such a wonderful and inspirational sentiment Darrel. I really needed to read this today. You have no idea how you've uplifted my spirit! Hugs, ~Shirley

I don't doubt there is a reunion ahead. I don't doubt that Stephen is still with me. I miss his physical presence horribly, but my soul knows. I arrived home yesterday after a two-week trip to spend holidays with family. I was absolutely stricken by grief coming home to a house without Stephen. This grief was as intense as the day he left. I went outdoors at one point. When I came back in, my computer was at the start screen with Stephen's name up. This has happened for no known reason a few times recently. I know with all the faith that I have, that he was telling me he's here. It didn't remove the grief, but softened it. I am only four months into my journey. I try to find at least one good moment in every day. The only path for me is forward. My love to you all, my online family. ~Shirley