nashreed

Well, it just seems to be very inconsiderate. I know I couldn't yell at scream up and down the street when I was a kid. This one girl seems to have to scream as a reaction to everything, like are you happy or being killed? I don't understand.

Wow, good neighbors. I can't even imagine. The only time its quiet around here is early in the morning. There's always someone building something. Little tiny mobile home yards and people fill them chock full of crap. It's a never ending project of adding more chaos to their yards. In the afternoon, there's always screaming kids making noise. When I was a kid, this park was quiet- you couldn't scream and do whatever you wanted. It was more elderly people with some families. And of course, there's often somebody blasting Mexican music during the day and late into the night. People nowadays have no consideration for others. I used to be the one getting complaints about my music being loud in the 80's. It's sad to see my childhood neighborhood become so trashy and loud.

Well, I'm not sure I was quite clear in my phrasing there. I HAD happiness, I had a wonderful, supportive wife and so many people don't ever have that. I was blessed once. It's selfish to want that again. I do and don't feel like I can be a useful member of society. My friend suggested, "Well, since you have retail manager experience, I know that Game Stop is hiring managers". Well, I don't know jack squat about modern video game systems, my manager experience is from 15 years ago or more and I could have done it before I had what was essentially a nervous breakdown ten years ago. I assume people think I'm just lazy that I don't want to work. I did work when Annette no longer could, but even over the phone (I worked in a call center), if there was any kind of conflict or negativity with a customer, I would really have a difficult time. I'm one of those people, where if my shift starts at 5 and I have a bad customer at 5:15, my whole night is ruined, I can't get past it. The only way I could work is those hourly buzzes in my pocket, knowing that Annette was leaving me a message- a little song or something from her night, that I had to look forward to. I'm terrified I don't have that now. Again, my friend really can't understand (and doesn't want to) what its like to have had a loss like mine.

I have come to the realization that I can't pretend that I'm married anymore. For a year, I had this idea that I could still imagine that Annette was somewhere that I couldn't visit, but we were still a team- that I was still there for her. Yesterday, when I was eating lunch with my friend, his wife called and said she had fallen and possibly broken her arm. We had to rush out and I drove him home. I found out later that she had. She's going to be fine and just has a cast and all that, but that just really cemented home the fact- He is married and I'm not. I can't be any use to Annette in this life. Somehow, I imagined that if she really needed me, she could contact me. I guess this "broke the spell". I have to accept my fate. I feel like I think I'm "entitled" to happiness, because I had unconditional love and I was so used to it. Like a millionaire who loses all their stuff to the IRS, I have to accept this new life. I hate it. It sucks. But there are millions of people who have never had love like I have, who go through life like a zombie, just miserable and getting by. What right do I have to expect something good in my life to ever happen again? I guess it's back to my being fundamentally a selfish person. The world keeps turning and I'm just another sad person, coexisting among the lucky ones who have a wife that just broke their arm that they can have the privilege of taking care of. We should all be so lucky.

After a year, I think my guilt is finally almost gone. I still sometimes feel like I am responsible in some ways, but there were so many wrong choices made in regards to her health, and I know she wouldn't hold me responsible. Like how the botched ankle replacement surgery in 2014 led to her amputation, which, combined with her severe RA, led to her weight gain that made her BMI over a 60, which led to... There was just so many moving parts, I don't know how her doctors kept it straight- and they kinda didn't too. It was just too much, and her poor body just gave out. I know she's at peace. She's OK and if she is, I have to be. That was our deal. I know she would want me to be happy. It's just the "How" now that I'm trying to figure out.

Gwen, Annette said that she always thought I had attractive eyes- brown and large. I think my lips are too big. I have a belly, after being so skinny when I was young. I think at this point, a kind heart and a pulse would be enough for me. I'm stressed out about seeing my friend in a social setting tomorrow and want to bail. I don't know if I can pull off social anymore. I have so little practice talking now. I limit my talking to my family because my Mom has such a hard time hearing me, and my brother just annoys me so much. Everything he does pushes my buttons. I don't know why (well, because he is very annoying). I don't know that I can be "funny" or interesting. I've only had real human contact with him back in August. I'm still confused as to why he would even want to hang out with me.

Yeah, I hold out zero hope of finding someone here in town. It's not exactly The Hills. Everybody's taken. I could never do online dating. This mug is getting zero "likes". I mean, I know I'm not supposed to be down on myself, but dang: "No job, on disability, lives with mother, has no assets (except a beautiful 2010 Saturn Ion) And the only people who would understand me are widows anyway. Annette would be sad that I'm so lost and sad. I hate letting her down.

That's the dream isn't it, Gwen? I don't want an empty, loveless future. Some part of me is saying "I'm not a horrible person- I don't deserve to be alone the rest of my life. Somebody must want to be with this mess of a person that I am". It's not that I love Annette any less- I love her as much as ever. But she's not on this earth. Until I can be with her, I want to have someone in my life. Does that make me a hopeless romantic? I just want female companionship. I've never been a guy's guy- a bro. That's why I don't know how to be a friend to a guy. I can't really say I'm looking forward to meeting up with him. I don't know how to talk about sports. Do I pretend to have an interest? Ack! I'm so sorry that I can't help with the struggle. I feel the same way. I suppose if I was rich, I could do whatever I wanted, and pay friends to like me and share my interests.

I suppose I'm very fortunate that I've been invited by my old school friend to go out to a pizza place. My anxiety is still tingling a bit, but I've been assured its not like a Chuck-E-Cheese. I'm trying to look at the positives today. The sun is out and I guess I need the grey mood to be gone too. It doesn't do me any good.

Yep. That would be just my luck. Hands burned off or something, but congrats- you're alive

Yeah, I don't know. I will have to ask him and know for sure if its just him or him and his son or... But, I know he's in no position to deal with my grief- nobody is except the people here. I always get the feeling that my family thinks I should just be hunky dory now and that I'm just a "Mr. Crabby Pants" because I got up on the wrong side of the bed. My whole life is the wrong side of the bed. The depression I feel now is very debilitating. Some mobile home inspection service was doing free look-sees around today, and they smelled gas coming from the hot water heater. The gas company is here now, and it looks like its new hot water heater time. Is it horrible that for a second I thought "Darn, too bad the house didn't blow up"?

The last few days after the first year mark have been the darkest I've had since it happened. I would ask if this is "normal", but every journey is different. It's hard to reconcile that my life is probably destined to be sad and lonely. I hate being "single". It is miserable and a pointless existence to me. How do you get used to being a one person team member? I hate that I think about another companion, but what can I do but have hope for a miracle. I hate the thought that I'm just waiting to die. If there's nothing to look forward to, there's no point in going on.

The days are so long. Yet, I have no motivation to "do" anything. The depression is more than it has been in months. It really has set in now. So, a friend wants to get together on Saturday for pizza. It will be with his son and maybe his wife. I am scared to death. I hate the weekends, because they're so damn lonely, but then I don't know that I can do social. Here at home, I can be mopey and "shut down" (like C3PO) and they don't really care, but if I get hit by a wave of depression when out with my one friend willing to actually hang out with me, what do I do? Is it worth it? I know that I should do it, but I'm already thinking of excuses. I just don't know if I can handle it.

I still feel as depressed today as I did the "one year" day yesterday. Even though it was stressful and hard, I miss being her caregiver. I'm scared to death of attempting to work, and then not being able to because of my mental issues. But, not having any purpose is killing me mentally too. It's just hard living.

I don't know that its strength. To me, its almost a weakness. Or maybe I'm punishing myself. I do know that I could not get through the day without looking at her picture. I have one as my phone wallpaper all the time. I have to have her in my life, even if its just on my phone. I played the last voicemail she left me last night, a year after leaving it. I had played it when it was left, of course. It was pretty innocuous. But, she always told me she loved me- every message. I know she does still. She was in chronic pain, and did say she would take a shower tomorrow, which she never got to- which was sad. A "shower" we joked was the "whore's bath" (I hope that's not too naughty), not a real one. I just find I miss everything about her today.

Thanks Gwen. I have to figure out a way to use the name "Unconsenting Tennis Ball" as my user name somewhere. My Mom is treading lightly today, at least knowing that today is a difficult day. I'm just in a daze, listening to the comforting songs of 1982 in my ears. She suggested some fast food for today. Ooooh, heart attack chances coming. It's a grey, cloudy day thankfully. If the sun were out I would take it as a personal insult. Yeah, I'm in a place of "What am I going to do"? I just am not looking forward to never being happy ever again. Long stretches of boredom mixed with general malaise. I hate having to divorce myself from my happy marriage, just to get through the damn day. It's easier not to think about it. Today, I found myself looking at the pictures I took a year ago today, of our empty house. Her empty bed.

Aww. Thanks. Never won a trophy before- not a jock at all. I appreciate it.

Exactly. I don't know where I belong, or why I exist sometimes. I was so used to Annette depending on me. Now, I really don't have a purpose, and it is extremely hard on me emotionally. I have to take a shower in the morning, or I can't function. I have to listen to music between 5 and 7 or I am cranky beyond what I normally am. You'd think it would be freeing to not have anyone depending on you. I could live like Nomadland, right? (eh, no)

Gwen, I kinda think that's one of the reasons I hate the weekends. The weekends were always a stressor, because if Annette had a medical issue (and she often did), if it happened on a weekend it would be very bad news. She would sometimes have issues with her medications. Every month I went on the "Opioid Run". Not fun. A few times we had to go to the Urgent Care on a Sunday and thank goodness that they were open on Sundays. If it was after hours, the ER was the dreaded last resort. And it's weird how, y'know, I have nothing but time- yet, I have to be back at certain times, according to a schedule- that means nothing to anybody but myself. Even yesterday, at the beach, I found myself getting uneasy and, feeling I overstayed my welcome, left after two hours, when I could have stayed all day and it wouldn't have mattered. i don't like being here, but I guess I don't really like being anywhere. As the song went "I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself".

As I face my one year mark tomorrow, I am just like a blob that can't do anything but sit and listen to some of Annette's favorite music and think of her. I want to be with her so much and if I could just choose to stop living right now, I would. This life is so empty without her. It's a grey cloudy day, and that's my mood. I can't see how I'm going to get to 5 years when it seems like its been 10 years already. If I ever were to have another relationship (people win the lotto too), I would still celebrate her on May 16, because I will never forget her. Somebody has to keep her spirit alive. I refuse for her to be forgotten, even when everybody else doesn't seem to care. Thank you for at least showing that there is "life after love" sometimes. I'm just so sick of this lonely life. I would give anything to have someone to hold again. It wouldn't make me love Annette any less though. They would have to understand. You're very. very lucky in that way.

Well, I still have a third of them. (There were a lot) I am too selfish to give all of them "away". And then I have some that are for her sister. She has a right to some of them if she's ever able to come out. So some were scattered in the local mountains here and now some at the closest beach. Maybe in a couple of May's I will let the rest of them go. But I find comfort in them. I don't think she would mind. I have never felt any indication that she is unhappy with my keeping them.

I went up on the pier with the fishermen and tourists. It started to get crowded with surfers and dog walkers and homeless people on the beach, but I spent two hours there with Annette. She would be happy with the morning.