nashreed

These are Annette's ashes before they became part of the Pacific. Technically, you're not supposed to scatter them in the actual ocean, but they found their way. I also left some on the actual beach, between where the tide ends and where they flatten the sand for vehicles and walkers. We sat for a little and just enjoyed the beach.

I wanted to get some pictures of the waves, and got wet in the process.

Well, today I went to the beach here in Oceanside, CA, to honor Annette, celebrate her life and spread some ashes at various points along the way. It was a grey day, but it was nice- beautiful waves and not too many people in the 7 o'clock hour.

My grandfather remarried 8 months after losing my Mom's Mom. My Mom thought it was very sudden, impulsive and inconsiderate. I'm my Grandpa still loved his wife. Some men just need a spouse. I would love to find another love in my life. Of course, we was a good looking older man who owned his own mobile home and had the pickings of any widow in the trailer park. I should be so lucky. I think Annette would want me to be happy. She knew that she wouldn't live a long life and told me. I married her anyway because I was obsessed with her- I still am. It's funny how now it's like I have a celebrity crush on my wife- seeing her pictures of one she was young every night. Always my phone screen saver. I still love that girl, and give anything to be with her. But, I know that I will see her again in Heaven. Until then, what do I do with these emotions that I have? For companionship? For a best friend? I never have trusted male friend relationships. I had a serious falling out with a school age friend and I still have no idea what it was about, but I find that I want/need a female confidant and friend. My Mom isn't going to be around forever- I am more than fully aware of this. I know I'm not supposed to look far into the future, but I drive past these homeless people on the street every day thinking "Hmmm...this might be a nice place to put my shopping cart".

Thanks Marty. I was pretty proud of myself yesterday. It seemed every kid in the neighborhood was at the neighbor brats driveway pool, and I wanted nothing more to go out there and scream at them to shut up. But, I gritted my teeth and let it ride until they left.

Jim, your feelings are shared by me, for the most part. I still have anxiety and fear about the future. I have nothing to look forward to, ultimately. I have friends that I text and DM, but other than my immediate family, I have no human contact. It just kills my soul to know that I will never feel touch and real tenderness and love again. I have a friend here that wants to go out and do something, but I don't know if I can even act normal around his perfect family. I don't have a personality anymore. Everything good about me was because of Annette. Doing something fun and interesting means nothing without being able to tell her, to share it with her even though she wasn't able to experience it. Amazing how one person can mean so much to me, to where all I wonder about is what she's doing- what her spirit is up to. I long to have someone in my life again that I could love, just because I miss it so much. I feel like a ghost- just existing. They could never be Annette, but with so many lonely people in the world, why do people have to be alone? I can't tell you how hard it is to be in the exact same situation I was in before I met Annette. Living with my Mom and brother, isolated. Its like my life with Annette was a dream, like it wasn't real. And I'm not young anymore, with all the possibilities that entailed. I certainly miss my life.

Well, I was just going by the symptoms online. Socially awkward- check. No filter- yes, I hurt Annette a lot by being insensitive. She was very gullible, and sweet and I was often rude- I got better, with her understanding. Unable to make eye contact or small talk -absolutely. But, again, nobody's ever diagnosed me. I wouldn't know how to go about it.

One step forward, two steps back is the way it is now. One week I can be positive and actually have some hope for any kind of future, and then the next week (as it approaches one year) I am sullen and withdrawn. Seems like the neighbors around here know when I'm low, and when to push my buttons. If it's not the one side with the screaming brats and their inflatable pool making noise, then the other side has to be blasting their lousy La Cucaracha music. I was really hoping for some focus and peace and zen, but instead it's the fight against my misophonia triggers. Annette always joked that if I became a bitter, old man that that would give her the right to divorce me. And here I am, a crabby, bitter and sad (almost) old man. I fear that who I was with Annette- the caring, considerate person- is gone. I saw about how Elon Musk is so brave and courageous with revealing he has Asperger's. I still haven't been diagnosed, but I bet I would blow him off the charts. It doesn't mean squat unless you were brought up or are rich. Who knows what I could have been if I had had his opportunities. Nobody cares about the mental health of the homeless people I see driving around here every day.

I'm happy for you. I wish I could help you will your question. I truly don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I fear its inevitable, as I am nobody's idea of a "catch". I'm hitting the one year marker on Sunday, and I hate life right now and I miss the day to day companionship and all our little catch phrases and everything so much right now, it literally hurts to exist. If I were to find somebody through some miracle, that wanted to be with me, they would have to understand that in Heaven I am going to be with Annette and I don't know that anybody can "share" me. It's a big ask. If they've been with you two years already, I'd say there's already an unspoken understanding, and maybe you're thinking about it more than they are. I would try to enjoy this blessing that you have and I wouldn't want to "rock the boat". I wish you all the happiness in the world. Anybody on this forum that has happiness is a rare bird indeed.

I would be totally cool with the world ending. I wish they'd stop toying with us about these asteroids that never actually hit the planet. I can understand not feeling like you belong here. I really just wish my life here could be over. I've lived my life, I found my soul mate, and I just feel like I'm overstaying my welcome now. The problem is, I had a love in my life for so long that I can't live without love like that. A lot of people, like my brother, have never had a love or a relationship and don't know what they're missing, and they're content with a life of TV, and life on earth without love. They're not happy, but they don't know what they're missing either. I just have such a hard time existing in this limbo, where I had so much love before.

I hear ya, Gwen. I know what its like to live with chronic pain. Annette suffered so much. I know how damn unfair life is. It hurts my heart that good people have to suffer. It's been incredibly hard to find any motivation to eat healthy and take care of myself, but through all her pain and limited mobility, she still did her best to make healthy meals for me. It wouldn't be right for her to have done that for nothing. She wanted me to take better care of myself. My body is really starting to tell me that I can't eat like crap anymore. My back is also telling me I should really be seeing a chiropractor, but I've been putting off because of COVID (having to wear a mask while getting the wind crunched out of you doesn't sound pleasant). Having a positive outlook is getting easier, it really is. The guilt is fading. I may be able to actually get a job at some point if the stars align. I need a new identity. My old one is gone.

That's interesting. I've been taking Lisinopril for at least a couple of years and don't usually ever cough, except yesterday I had this cough that I couldn't get rid of. Something I ate triggered it and I just could not get it cleared. I still feel a "tickle" in my throat today.

It's hard to believe that it's been five years this month, that me and Annette last visited California together, and four years later she would be gone. We visited because her Mom was in the hospital from a stroke (she has passed too). Annette had only had her prosthetic less than two years, but was getting around and holding her own. I was so proud of her. 2016 was our last good year, when everything went right and we rented her dream home. We still had hope for an awesome future. This is the last photo taken of us together. Sorry about being in the shade. Her Dad isn't a good photographer.

Kay, I'm so sorry. You really don't need that toxic negativity and I hope you're not such a kind person that you can't get out of this trap your sister is setting for you. Think about if the situation was reversed. Would she be your caregiver, for free? I'm sorry that being a good person only gets you used sometimes.

I have never seen The Carol Burnett Show, ever. It just totally missed me. I never watched The Brady Bunch, or some other of the 70's sitcoms- but I used to like All In The Family, Sanford & Son and more "topical" series. I will check out Carol Burnett on YouTube. I'm sorry about your "anniversary". Any tips to survive are appreciated. I am really just irrittable and sad and everything is making me upset. There's a dog that's barking that is really making me nuts (when I have to remove my headphones).

Well, that made me laugh! Not quite my generation . I find that in the morning, when talking to Annette, I will laugh at something that I say, or when I think of what her response would be. It only lasts a few seconds, but its something. I remember living to make her laugh, and then seeing how long I could keep her going until it was pee the pants time. I'm much too self conscious to laugh at TV, even with her. I will see if I can find some of our favorite 90's Saturday Night Live sketches. Those hold good memories.

It's been almost a year, and it feels like it's been so much longer. I feel responsible for keeping her memory alive. I feel its important that she is remembered. It's hard because my memory for just everyday life is lousy, and yet those are the things that I need to remember- the little jokes and the phrases she used and ....her. She was so unique, so one of a kind. I'm afraid of being accustomed to this new "life" of mine, because there's so little that makes me hapshapepy- that brings a smile to my face. I actually have had facial stiffness and rigidity because I don't laugh anymore. About a month ago, I was so close to wanting it all to be over with. I can see some light on the other side of this grief. I know hope and sorrow have to live together in my heart right now. I have hope for a future that is bearable, but sorrow for what I have lost. I realize that its affected my health to be a miserable man, and figure I better shape up a bit, because it would really suck to have to be in poor health, and still be stuck living for a couple of decades.

So, the month I have been dreading is upon me. One year is on May 16. I wish that I could say that I can stop feeling guilt and be at peace on the 17th. I don't know. I have a lot to face these next couple of weeks. For some reason, I felt I needed to keep several voicemails from May (perhaps I knew), and I haven't played them since hearing them originally. And I will be taking her ashes to the beach and spreading them on the sand. To say it's bittersweet is an understatement, but I need to do something for her. I need closure on this year. I just need to ...not get over her, but get over the pain. I want both of us to be at peace. I will always love her, but I have to live without her until we're reunited.

No. She would always tell me that I worried too much about her. I would often overreact, and smother her with my protectiveness. She would say I did my best. That was her. She was a saint. I truly didn't deserve her.

Kay, this post really gave me a PTSD flashback, as Annette fell several times in the last couple of years, and we had to have several EMT's get her up. It was so stressful. I really, really hope you can stand up for yourself and refuse to do this. You would be an unpaid caregiver?? That's insane. The nerve of people. I would have done anything for Annette, but I know that she didn't want to be in assisted living. She was supposed to be in a aftercare rehab when she passed. If she had been there, maybe there would have been a different outcome. But she didn't want to be away from me. She would have been miserable there. She hated the food. So I tried to take care of her the best I could. She had so much trust in me and I failed her.

Gwen, just because they're family, doesn't mean they fill a need, a void. I have a brother who is so much like the "old me"- cold, distant. Never showing concern for how I am feeling emotionally. We were closer when texting and calling 1,300 miles away. In person, he has such annoying habits, and is surly and hard to read. A person I can't relate to, or maybe I do- and its the person I used to be that I don't want to be anymore. Worst of all, he refuses to get the vaccine. All politics aside (he's a Democrat, supposedly), he has his own stupid reasons for not getting it. I just can't respect him for that. And he's one of these jerks who won't cover their nose when wearing a mask. I don't like being in public with him. What do I do? He's family. I used to be a loner in high school, before I met Annette. I was happy (or at least content) that way. It was the way it was, and it was fine. I was okay being by myself. Now I have this stupid, nagging need for people, and I hate being alone a lot of the time-- but I don't have a choice. I drive aimlessly alone, nowhere to go, nothing to do.... I'm slowly dying, but it's taking too long.

I am heartened to hear about your experiences. I'm in no position to afford a medium, but I would just want to know that Annette doesn't blame me for her passing. Whatever else, I just cannot handle thinking that she might blame me or be mad at me. Today, I broke her headphones- they were hers, but I use them all the time, and the cheap plastic snapped. I was able to tape it together, but I'm just beside myself that I broke something of hers. Something else to be upset about. Is Nancy ever able to tell you anything about her life now and where she is?