nashreed

Well, I ran out of mine, and I looked to see if anybody else here had some and found my brother only has Cherry flavored NyQuil!?! Gross!! What kind of sicko likes Cherry??

I don't have a whole lot of hope for the new year, but you never know. I am starting to see a chiropractor after almost two years, so hopefully I will be in better shape to handle what life throws at me. I was in bed by 9. Took a huge slug of Green Death NyQuil and slept through most of the explosions. I did wake up at a little after midnight because it must have been that bad, but fell back to sleep soon after. I consider that victory!

Oh Gwen, I wish I could be a better cheerleader. On my aimless drive to nowhere today, I saw so many homeless people. I feel as useless as they must feel- forgotten, no purpose. I should be thankful to have my health(ish). I can't imagine the despair that you feel and I am so sorry. With all her challenges, I know Annette couldn't have gone on without me. You're very strong, Gwen- I know that's cold comfort, but its something to be proud of. I'm proud of you. You inspire me and help me to carry on- you really do. You need all the well wishes and love you can get, even if its from Cyberspace, and I am here for you (in the capacity I can be on an internet forum). Maybe you're here to help me, and I'm here to help you and maybe we're all here to help each other and that's our purpose. It's not a bad purpose. It's something. At least I can be good for something.

Thank you Enza. I truly appreciate you sharing. I'm glad you have your children. I, unfortunately, am the end of the family line. It's funny how, in the morning when I wake up, I actually kind of forget my dire circumstances, and have some hope that something good will happen during the day. I try to distract myself, keep that feeling alive throughout the day. Thank God for music. I have headphones on throughout the day (as I have to block out the sounds of screaming brats around here, among other things) and though I can't afford them anymore, I still have thousands of CD's. That collection used to be my "identity", besides being Annette's husband. We have an American version of the UK show "Ghosts" that I love, and look forward to that- but there isn't a whole lot else to look forward to, although I try to "keep hope alive". But there's always a point, usually right before I fall asleep.... I lay in bed and it hits me: "I will never see Annette again in this life", and that thought makes me want to die right there. The rest of the time is just trying to avoid thinking of that. I saw another headline about a husband and wife, only in their 40's or 50's, both with COVID who passed within hours of each other because they couldn't live without each other. What was wrong with me? Did I not love Annette enough to die from a broken heart? Take care, James

I sit here today, knowing that it's coming to the end of a year that Annette wasn't ever even alive in. It's just very hard to live with, and I know most of you have had this milestone. I had to go to the store, and I parked next to a young couple- the guy was going in to start work and his girlfriend/wife(?) was seeing him off with a big hug and a kiss. That was us many years ago and just at the beginning of last year. She always hated to see me leave, and I used to drag out leaving- heading out and then coming back in for one more kiss. Life is so meaningless without someone to share it with. I don't know why so many people choose to be alone. Maybe they've been burned by bad relationships or lost their partner, but with all the lonely people in the world, it just doesn't make sense to me. Nothing that I do matters now. I'm just half a person. I really wish that people could decide when they want to stop living. Everything bores me now. I'm sick of it all. I am absolutely fine with the life I led. Without my soul mate, I don't need to be here. Why do people celebrate New Year's? Nothing changes.

Hi, and welcome. I guess this Forum has saved my life. Writing my thoughts out and talking to my wife daily keep me sane. I absolutely admit to thinking of suicide daily. I'm too much of a chicken to really try, but I have a bottle of expired opioids that might do some harm. I'm more afraid of surviving an attempt. I am often disappointed and pissed that I wake up in the morning. I take my medications because I think Annette would be seriously upset with me if I didn't, and I can't live with that. It really is a blessing that I have this outlet. I live with my mother and brother in my childhood mobile home. I had to move back to California after Annette passed. What was once a safe retirement town has become a homeless infested ghetto in my absence. I feel like Marty McFly- that I did something wrong in the past and screwed up the present. All the places my wife and I loved or grew up with, shuttered, changed, gone. I can't talk to my family about anything of my "past life"- she didn't even like Annette, never forgave her for us moving away. I have no real life friends that could possibly understand- only 1 friend here at all really. Loads of Facebook friends who are only good for showing me how great their lives are, with their spouses. I am very, very thankful for this Forum. James

Tom- I haven't been on the Forum long enough to know your story, but I'm happy that you have found someone. It seems that widows are the only people who would understand what this grief journey does and could accept that your heart will always be with your lost spouse. At the same time, it seems there aren't nearly as many widows who would be interested in another relationship as men are. I remember my grandpa, who after my Mom's mother passed, remarried a widow within six months (he also had a whole senior mobile park full of choices it seemed, as he had to remarry again after his second wife passed). It makes me angry that I have this nagging feeling that I need to have a relationship. Why can't I just accept being alone? It seems more likely to get struck by lightning than to find another partner in this day and age. It's amazing you were sent a new love. I have wrestled with seeing a psychic for a year and a half. Somehow, my Catholic upbringing is preventing me from taking that leap. I only know one thing for sure- Annette is in Heaven. I don't know if she can visit me or hears me, though I talk to her daily anyway. It seems to me that contacting her through a psychic would be "wrong", like bothering her. Like not trusting the process. I would love to know more about what you learned from these visits, Tom. The prospect of Annette being able to intervene in earthly affairs is fascinating, but I am so conflicted that I would even want that. Isn't that betraying my marriage? It's all very confusing. I do know that I'm miserable and alone and the prospect of a future without anyone is scary. I wish all the members here could live in a community together so that we could all look after each other. It's not even about having a "love" relationship- it's about the horrible emptiness of not having someone who understands, to talk to and be there every day- the companionship. I dread having all this life left and no reason to be here. James

I still have incredible guilt about so many things that I could have done differently, better for Annette. Some days I can avoid thinking about the guilt and then it hits me like a freight train. One thing that haunts me is: She was supposed to be in rehab when she passed. She had been in the hospital for two weeks previous, and she almost died in the hospital (she told me nonchalantly). I am so angry that I couldn't go visit her in the hospital every day like I normally would have(thanks COVID), and I just couldn't talk to her doctor like I should have been able to. There are so many things I still don't know about that time because she was totally out of it half the time. When she was discharged, she immediately was sent to a rehab facility, but from what she told me, it wasn't a great one- at all. The food was terrible, grumpy staff... She told me that they didn't even have her insulin or a number of her other medications there. I don't know if she was exaggerating (again, I couldn't visit her!), but after about two days she demanded to be sent home, against her doctors orders. She was so incredibly weak and she needed to have people around 24/7 to help her, but she had her mind made up (no way I was going to change it). We thought that I could take better care of her at home as far as medications, but I couldn't be with her all the time because I was working nights. I'm sure she didn't want to be without me for an undetermined period of time, but I should have made her stay there. Things might have turned out differently. But maybe she knew that she didn't have long, and wanted to be home. She would never have been able to tell me (I would have freaked out beyond all freak outs)- I just wish I would have pressed her more about the hospital stay, but I was more concerned about taking care of her at home. So much guilt, so many questions.... In a way, even though she didn't have the virus, COVID indirectly contributed to her passing.

I appreciate you, Bunflo. I certainly will keep you updated, although COVID may scuttle anything I have in mind for next month, even if it's just a pizza meet-up. He had a kid who's around 10, I think, and I don't know his vaccination status. It's nice that someone gives a darn about my life. It's not something I'm used to anymore. I can tell you that when we did get together initially last year, it was really nice and natural- though at the same time so hard to see his life with his wife and child, beautiful home, etc. It was easy to talk to him about his life and superficial stuff- he's very jovial and almost childlike. He's always upbeat, and I don't want to bring him down. He has both his parents....I just don't feel like he has ever experienced a loss and I don't think he would ever want to "go there", and I have to accept the friendship on the terms that it's just nothing but surface. It's fine, but it's hard to put myself in that place. It was easier to do before I lost my father-in-law in August. I still had a connection to Annette, and now he's gone too. He was kinder and showed me more love than my family ever has. We'll see where the new year goes. I don't have much hope of anything. I just wish I could be with Annette. I would give anything for that.

Gwen, I am glad your counselor verified what I have found to be true. There's a lot of widowers looking to mingle with non-existent, not interested widows. I absolutely know that to try to replace Annette would be impossible, but I so miss that relationship, just that companionship that doesn't have to be physical other than hugs and warmth. Somebody that's always there, who "gets" me, and that is impossible to ever find again- I should just accept it. My references are almost always song based- If you know the Neil Young song "A Man Needs A Maid". I mean, I men are needy bastards, but the song also is about how very hard it is to be alone for a man (the "maid" in the lyrics became his real wife). My grandfather remarried about 6 months after my Mom's mom passed (of course, he had a whole mobile home park full of eligible widows). And then when she passed, he remarried again and after wife #3, the same- he could never be alone. Always needed a "maid". My Mom really just (out-of-nowhere) blurted out "Why do you have to complain about everything?". Oh, I'm sorry- I'm so used to being able to always have someone to gripe to, who actually cared about my opinions and wanted to know what they could do for me. All I am to her is "Son #2" and that's my place and she doesn't care about who I am, only what role I'm supposed to fill in the family dynamic. (And she complains about everything in her passive aggressive constant sighing and her mumbled standard lines like "Why am I not surprised?") I am very, very lucky that I had one person who understood and loved me for me- who I was. And the absence of that is beyond devastating. My family can't understand how I just can't get over it.

Your post hit me, as I am struggling through the season like never before. Last Christmas (the first after Annette passed), I still had the novelty of being home with my mother and brother after 9 years, so I could enjoy it for what it was. The novelty has passed, and it's just not doing anything but making me miserable. Honestly, this month I have been thinking so much of how I could end it all, just to be with Annette- but I can't because of my Catholic fear of it preventing me from going to Heaven, and that's the whole goal, to see Annette again. That's all I think about. It will be the happiest day of my life. I absolutely cannot talk to my family about this, and have no one to tell this to except the good folks here. I talk to Annette every day, but I don't like to be too depressing- I still don't want her to worry. I feel so disconnected from myself, and a part of me is still waiting to be able to get back on a mythical flight back to my old life, to our home. It's amazing how one single person was everything I needed- I have never been so bored with life and disinterested in it. I could just sit around and watch TV with Annette, and it was wonderful. Now, I just want to go to bed and hope that I can dream of her (but I rarely do). When I was a kid, my Mom probably sent and received 100 Christmas cards a year. This year, she's gotten 7. I can't pretend I'm a kid anymore and Christmas holds no magic. It's easy to shop when you're dead broke, but I managed to get 3 gifts each for the 2 of them. I should be happy that I have my family. I worry constantly about how many Christmases my Mom has left (she's 85). She gets around fine and has no health problems besides a chronic cough she's had for years (food allergies, she won't stop eating bread, pasta, etc.). I hope everyone here at least finds something to be thankful for and gets something nice as a gift. I cannot recommend enough NOT listening to Christmas music. James

Gwen, I find everything you say to be meaningful. If this thread still serves its purpose, then that's all that matters. Don't ever apologize for feeling you have nothing to say. I find it all relevant and to get to know your thoughts and struggles on a daily basis gives me something to look forward to. Even if you just think you're complaining about the same ol' same ol', it lets us know that you're ok- and that's so important. We're all pulling for you here and are invested in your daily struggle.

"Ghosting" is hip lingo that the kids use- it means I stopped writing, went dark, disappeared.... He didn't know Annette other than from the posts that he "liked" on Facebook, so talking about her is just weird, and I could tell it was weird when I did bring her up when we first met up. He has a wife and I think my loss is a reminder that life is precious, that he could lose his wife. We actually met up for pizza several months ago, and when we were eating, his wife called and I needed to rush him back home- she had fallen and broken her wrist. So that was kind of a weird situation for both of us. I hate that you feel you might succumb to the darkness. Please don't. I feel it too- all the time: the hopelessness, feeling like "Why bother". You have Dee. I have to have hope because I have to believe there's something to look forward to still, in this life. Annette would not want me to succumb.

Cool, Dee. Thanks. She was a big fan and reader of her books, but sadly, lost interest when she was stuck having to read a Kindle at maximum zoom because of her diabetic retinopathy. It's just not the same as a real book. Now I'm upset because I know I have her autographed Anne Rice book, and I don't know where it is. Things do get lost in moves. I have no idea what happened to my wedding video. I didn't care when she was around, because I hate hearing my voice on it, but not I'd give anything to see it.

I got through yesterday because I (luckily) had distractions. I got the family Christmas tree Fri. and had to put the lights on yesterday. It's only 4 ft. A little guy and I feel happy that I was able to take him home and give him a reason to be for a few weeks. Thinking about the poor trees that don't get taken home makes me terribly sad. I read that one of Annette's favorite authors- Anne Rice- passed away. I hope that they can talk up in Heaven now. We met her at a book signing in the mid 90's and that book was one of her treasured possessions. It seems that so many people are passing. Michael Nesmith of the Monkees passed and I just went to see him at their show in Sept. Funnily enough, on this Sunday morning I'm listening to one of my favorite singers- Warren Zevon, and his song "Life'll Kill Ya". Unlike Christmas music, I find his ruminations on death and mortality comforting and soothing.

Thank you Dee. I have to remember that in the scheme of things being separated from her for a a few years on Earth isn't that big a deal, as we'll have forever together in Heaven. It's just the waiting that's so hard.

Today is my 29th wedding anniversary. It breaks my heart that nobody even remembers or cares that it is- not even Annette's sister. She was so beautiful that day (I think I have a picture in this thread. My phone won't let me post pictures on here for some reason). I have to remember every day how lucky I was to have been able to marry her. It was a lot of hard work getting her to marry this weirdo. She was and is an angel. It's so sad that not enough people knew her. She was truly one of a kind. She was so sweet and funny. Even when she was in terrible pain, she always had a smile for me. It's so unfair and cruel that she had to suffer. There's so many things I miss about her. She was so gullible, in a cute way, and I liked to make up stuff to see if she would believe me. She was probably playing me, because she was so smart. I loved nothing more than to think of the most disgusting adjectives I could string together, just to hear her say "Ew!". She gave the best hugs. I appreciate being able to at least acknowledge my anniversary here, and you good folks are very kind to listen. James

It seems I wasn't entirely clear, though your advice and responses are still valid- I have seen my friend Paul twice since moving back here, but I "ghosted" him after my father-in-law's passing (seriously, a fly was distracting me when I was writing yesterday). I wrote him today and we made a tentative plan to meet up after the holidays. It's intimidating, because he has a wife and son and is going to have a ton of family over this year. A life that I envy, and that (I worry) might color my interactions with him. We went to grade school together, and I promised him that I would bring over my yearbooks and we'd reminisce. That's all fine and good, but Annette was such a huge part of my life, and I had no contact with Paul except as a Facebook Friend when we were together. I can't really talk to him and relate to him as "two married guys" and, y'know, I can't really bring her up. It's just sad and he can't relate. Enza, we are lucky to have here to share and commiserate with people who understand- especially when in a neverending pandemic. I'm as shy as can be, and I certainly am not going to ever make new friends easily in the real world, especially this current world. I'm scared, because friends flake out, lose interest, perceived slights lead to friendships ending out of nowhere. It happened to me as a kid and I have never trusted friends since. I am so very lucky I had Annette as my best friend for so long- she never let me down and was always there for me. Now I'm at the mercy of whims and time constraints and being low on the list of someone's priorities. I don't really have a choice though- it's like stepping into a storm with wind and rain howling into your face, with a hoodie on and you can't see, and you just hope you make it to where you're heading. James

While I was getting obligatory "Happy Birthday" messages on Facebook, I got one from the one old school friend in town that still has any interest in being my friend. Not wanting to be rude, I responded that we should get together sometime, as I haven't seen him and really lost touch with him after losing my father-in-law in August. Of course, he responded that he would like that, and now I'm terrified. I don't know how to have a healthy normal relationship with a friend anymore- certainly not one that hasn't had the losses I have. He wants to just "hang" and talk and keep it light, and I worry that my baggage shows- that I radiate depression even if I don't talk about what I'm going through. At the same time, I know that I can't lose this friend- I'm lucky that he hasn't given up on me. It would have been easy. I know that I can't really rely on anybody, and I am not going to put all my "friend eggs" in one basket. There's a very real chance of being let down by being so open and vulnerable but I'm just not wanting to end up friendless and alone- which could very easily happen if I let it. I know a lot of you here have had trouble maintaining friendships- so many fall away. I'm just scared of the inevitable "moving forward" as only one member of the team of me and Annette. James

Oy vey! I cannot tell you how conflicted I am about the holidays. This week is my personal week from hell, where my birthday, anniversary and Annette's birthday all fall, and it's during the Christmas season. It used to be so wonderful, but now it's just triggering. I cannot stand ANY Christmas music whatsoever. Just going to the grocery store and hearing a tired old chestnut makes me feel like I want to set myself on fire and run out. I hated Christmas songs from years of working in retail anyway. Why anybody wants to hear the same dozen songs over and over, just by different artists, boggles my mind. But now, the sentiment of the lyrics just cuts and guts me unbelievably. To me, they're the most depressing dirges imaginable. It's also difficult because my mother and brother always get a tree and want to watch Christmas specials. I don't mind having a tree, and last year I was able to enjoy the holiday as a family gathering because I hadn't been here for it for so long. But now, the loss of Annette and her father (I was able to visit him during the season last year) make Christmas a dreaded chore. Plus, Christmas shopping is easy when you're dead broke. My family is all about presents as substitutes for actual affection, and even they are only able to get a few gifts this year. Annette was never about getting presents. She knew the true meaning of the day and was happy with watching me open what I got from my family. In better years I would get expensive, rare records and CD's (stuff I've had to sell in the lean years) from my brother and always felt bad that she didn't want me to get her much at all. She was happy just listening to Elvis Christmas songs (which I will play this year for my family, because Elvis is the exception to every rule) and being with me. We couldn't afford a tree usually and she understood. All I want for Christmas is to dream of Annette.

I relate so much to this. My health has really taken a nosedive. I was foolish and stopped going to my chiropractor when COVID first hit because I didn't want to wear a mask getting adjusted. Then, of course, my world got upended. But now my back/Sciatica is so bad, I'm shuffling around stooped over trying not to be in pain. I try to do stretches and exercise, but I have zero self discipline, and really wish I had a trainer to force me to do them. I'm getting that taste of what Annette went through. She was in chronic pain for 20 years. I used to be so strong. I was her caregiver and plowed through all of her problems- knowing she needed me. I drove halfway across the country in two days by myself. Now it's all caught up with me and I feel like I'm 100 years old.

Aw, I love Dominos, but it's probably because I delivered for them almost 30 years ago now (wow). I have memories of many a Saturday night working past midnight because the last order of the night was a huge order to the Scientologists. I have been having a real bad case of the Saturdays. I hate them. I always feel it tonight the most, how life is going on without me. Me and Annette used to go out dancing on Saturday nights another lifetime ago, but the call of the night can still hit me (though that club is long, long closed). It's just beyond surreal to live here in my hometown again after 25 years away, and how it's changed for the worse. It's now a crime and homeless filled shell of a once peaceful retirement community. I feel like Marty McFly. I must have gone back in time and really screwed things up, because my town is not the same.

My family doesn't cook. My Mom pretty much lives on microwave meals and I have adapted to that begrudgingly. Annette and I used to do our best to cook, even though I was terrible at it. Now, I don't care. It's not like I'm trying to live a long life.

It's little things I took for granted that I miss so much. Our house in Tulsa had such a pretty view from the kitchen window where I could see the front yard. We had a bird feeder attached to the glass with suction cups, and we could see a Cardinal couple come by all the time. They were so aggressive and wouldn't let the little brown birds eat- it was awesome! I miss those guys. I hope they're ok.

Well, Gwen, I am certainly not a "man about town". If I don't have a reason to go out, like going on a Diet Mountain Dew run, I often go out anyway, just driving aimlessly. I feel like I have no purpose, and now that I am having major Sciatica issues, my plan to look for gainful employment is in a bit of jeopardy. If one of my massive stacks of CD's didn't topple over in the middle of the night, I wouldn't have had anything to do today! Thanks gravity! Emotionally, I have a birthday, our anniversary, Annette's birthday and Christmas next month, so it's going just great for me (insert sarcasm).