nashreed

She gets over things quickly- she was just annoyed. I am setting them up tonight. The stereo is in my brothers room. I can't set them up when he's here- too many cooks and all that. Today when I was at Walgreens, a lady asked me for a ride up the street or wherever she said. Of course, I said no. You can't go anywhere in this town without getting the shake down for money or something else. Does that make me a bad person? I feel like a bad person. Deep down, I'm selfish and rude, like my family. Annette made me want to be better. Without her, I feel like I've reverted to being a jerk. I feel like I'm maybe not being me when "being nice", like with her Dad. I certainly can't be "myself". I was always trying to make Annette say "Ew!", by saying the nastiest thing I could think of, for example. It was funny with her. I don't intentionally mean to be mean. I am a caring person, but that part of me is closed off. I always like artists who are a-holes, anyway, like Lou Reed, Neil Young. Nice musicians are boring, like Kelly Clarkson, or somebody. My Mom has Judge Judy on for some reason. Now there's a bitch. Why on earth is she being needlessly mean? Just her schtick I guess.

Gwen, I understand absolutely 100% what you mean. I have such a boring routine now. I also had what would seem to be a boring routine with Annette, but her being with me made it not boring. It was great! I can do the same things now without her and it's boring, except for my music listening time- which is all I have to look forward to. I waffle between days where I say "Cool, I'm going to be fully vaccinated and maybe I can see my friend when his family are fully vaccinated, and he said we can go to a ball game" and all this...hope, and then days like today where I just want to join the local gopher population, cover my head with dirt and not give a crap. I don't believe that "self love" crap. I kinda liked the person I was with Annette, because she loved me to pieces. I don't like myself at all now, because Annette isn't here. My reason for being a good person is gone. I was good because of her. She made me a loving, warm person, which goes against my families nature of no hugs, no warmth. I don't need to like myself to feel enjoyment. I need to not have this survivors guilt. The person I was with Annette is gone too. I can't be the same person. I'm not sure who I am now. I act differently with whoever I'm with. You do deserve to reward yourself. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Do it as a reward for getting through another day. Lord knows, I have blown my tax refund and stimulus on "rewards" (CD's) because, like the classic hoarder, I am trying to fill an emptiness that is unfillable. I would never go to therapy, because I know all the answers and "the right thing to do". I've watched enough "Hoarders" too, to know that it's just stuff- but right now, it makes me "happy", as happy as I can be- which is not very happy, but it's all I got. And Annette told her sister once that she loved the fact that I was a CD collector- not sure why. Maybe it's just that I had a hobby I enjoyed. (My name is listed as a contributor to a CD collectors book from the 90's) So many people I see on Facebook have gone down the vinyl rabbit-hole with the colored vinyl, blah, blah. Vinyl is a pain in the butt, and a lot of work to make sound good (I used to even have an 8-track phase, but they are really a pain to repair, etc)

It sucks that no one seems to want to talk about Annette. For a couple of weeks, her sister shared some anacdotes about their childhood, and it was awesome, but that stopped. It seems that it's too difficult for her to deal with. Even her Dad is limited in talking about her. He'd rather talk about his dumb step-grandson. And she's all I want to talk about.

I'm sorry, Kay. If you couldn't find anybody that "makes the first move", there's definitely not any hope for me. Family is pretty messed up. You can't choose 'em. My Mom is mad at me, because my new speakers came and they're huge (the boxes at least) and heavy. My arm is not up for setting them up yet, so they're in the living room. She's mad after I told her that music is the only thing I have to look forward to. I don't really care if she is giving me the silent treatment. That's what headphones are for. Lately, I've been finding comfort in the music of the early 60's- Andy Williams and crooners and such. I'm really getting old.

I know that I'll never have another relationship- and it's not even by choice. I hope it doesn't offend anybody, my saying this, but it seems to me that any woman could find a man (not necessarily the best man, but somebody so that they don't have to be alone if they so choose). It's just more of a reality that a woman can choose to be alone, or not. Even my 84 year old Mom with no teeth could find companionship if she really wanted to- maybe not easily during the pandemic, but after things go back to "normal". Older men like me are just seen as creepy unless they have some money and means. Again, please don't take offense. There's just a lot more lonely men, in my opinion. All the women are taken- and that's ok. I can sail this ship alone.

Like I've made the analogy before...This is the waiting room. I'm waiting until I can be with Annette again. I can check my phone, and try to distract myself like I used to waiting to be let in to see her at the hospital or after a procedure, but it's just distractions...and it's just waiting. I won't be myself again until we're reunited.

Which brand was it? Other than a sore arm, I'm normal (whatever that means).

And I saw today that the CDC is saying it's ok for fully vaccinated people to visit un-vaccinated families, if it's only one household at a time...Not that the CDC hasn't changed their minds before, but at least I can not feel bad about seeing my father-in-law.

Well, not so lucky with it, because this morning I have very active arm soreness. I have to very careful how I move it. Boo.

Well, I got my first Pfizer vaccine. It didn't hurt anymore than any shot. I feel normal. I was just hearing that it was a post COVID "long hauler" symptom of tinnitus that caused one poor guy to kill himself. Now that is my worst nightmare, so I am absolutely glad I got my shot. We'll see how I feel tomorrow, but I'm feeling certainly less stressed. I slept like crap and my arms were hurting before I went, in anticipation. I think there's supposed to be less side effects with the Pfizer, so I actually got lucky for once.

Well, that's the thing- he's a Christian Anti-vaxxer. I know that he's not going to be around forever, so once I'm vaccinated, I can only do what I can do. My brother isn't even getting it, and he lives with me. He literally does not even own a short sleeve shirt- not even a T-shirt. I am trying to be smart and safe for myself, and trying to get my Mom to take it. What about those precious "kid hugging Grandma" videos? Kids aren't getting vaccinated in any meaningful capacity. I have to believe they are carriers. I will just feel better afterwards (hopefully), and not feel like I'm playing Russian Roulette at the dang grocery store. There's always maskless fools there.

Because of her low vision, Annette couldn't navigate Facebook. I find it interesting, though now it's kinda empty.

I actually was able to get my first vaccine scheduled with Walgreens...tomorrow, after not being able to access anything on the site for a couple of weeks. Today they had oodles of appointment times. I'm doing it to a) hopefully show my Mom there's nothing to fear from it and b) so I can at least see my father-in-law and his family, because I feel it's important to him. They don't really believe in the vaccine, I don't think, and I hope it's ok to see them if I'm vaccinated. I'm kinda worried about getting it, but more worried about getting the virus. I heard a few people lost hearing from it! That would be my absolute nightmare!

And I honestly don't know why it's so necessary to "survive". Life here is no great shakes. I wake up and my first thought is "Dang, still alive". What is the point? Sorry- pity party, table for one. I had another dream where I was aware that I would have to tell someone Annette is gone. I had another dream where I had an opportunity to make out with a celebrity crush, and I didn't because of Annette. I truly can't win- I don't dream of us together and I can't even enjoy myself in dreams.

Kay, I am so sorry. You are a walking menace to yourself. It is so sad that you're so accident prone- and it's sad you have to face it alone.

Sorry, bad choice of word- "being social" is what I meant

I just go through so many slight highs and low, low lows. Sometimes I think I'm doing better and then the weekend comes and all my triggers get triggered. Then, I stumbled upon an article about a musician who is almost 30 into life with ALS. He can only communicate through his eye movement. I can't even imagine. Makes me feel like a schmuck for complaining. If he can keep going...although I didn't see mention of a spouse. His support system is probably (hopefully) outstanding. But Annette was everything to me. The more I go without her, the more I realize how incredible she was, is.

And I am still dreading my "anniversary". I'm sorry, Kieron. I am just sitting here thinking, I don't want to go on another day without her. I'm sick of this pointless, meaningless life. My Mom only cares about me because I came out of her, but she doesn't need me. Nobody needs me. On the weekends, the few "friends" I have are doing things- living life. I see happy people on Facebook, and I want to become a Monk and disconnect from it all. I've got nothing to look forward to- I'm so bored. I could do the same things (surfing, listening to music) and not be bored, because of Annette- her presence made it interesting. Being able to tell her dumb little tidbits off Facebook, making her laugh...that's what I lived for. There is nothing to live for now (My Mom doesn't get my sense of humor at all). And to think it hasn't even been a year. I really just want a nice heart attack and to go quick. I hate the weekend.

How are your symptoms today? Were they nice? Details!!

Yeah, Kay, I was thinking (talking to Annette) this morning about it. If it wasn't for the pandemic, me and my brother would have gone to a few concerts by now, gone to Disneyland... I don't know if I would have been up for that. I seem to be getting more and more isolated as time goes on, and I could use the distraction of going out now more than ever, but I don't have a choice. It sucks that its been dictated to me how I have to grieve, when I may have been helped so much by having the choice to participate if I wanted to. Was your first year a balance of "fun" and being withdrawn? I keep thinking that after May 16, I might snap out of this funk- maybe after a year it will have set in. I've already accepted my fate of being alone, but that I will have done my "penance" and will feel better about being social.

Thanks, Kay. I apologize to Annette, because when I talk to her, I always apologize and I'm sure she's tired of my guilt trips. How do I get to the place where I don't feel guilty about even thinking of having fun, of enjoying something without her? I just feel like since we were a team, I should just wait until we're together until I can have fun. I have a friend who wants to take me to a baseball game or something, once we're vaccinated, and it scares me to put myself out there. Will I ever be ready? The pandemic is providing cover and excuses, but it won't last forever.

I don't know if this is a normal part of "The Process", but I've been really having thoughts lately that maybe if Annette would have been with someone else, maybe she would still be alive. It seems crazy. We always joked that if she had stayed with her old boyfriend, she could have had all the weed she could handle for free, for her RA (he was a little bit of a pothead). I just have so much guilt and doubt. I know that I spent too much on music, when I should have been buying her kale salads or something. She would always tell me that I worried too much- now I see that I didn't worry enough. I was always bugging her about drinking more water (she had kidney disease, and her unstable kidney function led to her blood sugar crash that was the reason...), and maybe if I didn't bug her, she would have drank more on her own. She was stubborn and could be contrary when provoked. I just have so much guilt and I hate my life now, and I feel like, well you big dummy, you deserve it.

You're very strong, when you have the pain that you're struggling with and you still go out into the world. I have no excuse. I seem to be retreating into myself more and more. I just find it easier to not be social.

I always read your posts, Gwen. They make sense to me. I relate to wanting to be social, but thinking it might be more trouble than it's worth. My father-in-law always calls me, and wants to get together. I can't help thinking he just wants to be calling Annette, but he's stuck with me. I don't have anything to say when I call him. I dread it. I don't know why. He's sweet, but with my social anxiety, and everything, I can't be myself with him- whatever that is. And with COVID, I just don't want to get together with him- he's a denier (we don't talk politics). I think in some way, I kind of like the pandemic being an excuse to not go out, to not be social... It's pretty messed up, but it's a convenient excuse. I got my stimulus, and had to get some new speakers. When the music sounds bad, I get crabby.

I am so sorry that you were told that, I mean, move on to what? There's a show that my family watches- The Unicorn- that makes me so angry at a visceral level. The premise is a widower who is pressured by his "friends" to start dating again. So, based on the commercials, he's going out with at least a couple of women. I can't ever even think of doing that. I'm married to Annette still. Such a heartless, ridiculous show. I liken life now to a waiting room. I waited for Annette a lot during doctor appointments and hospital stays. So, I just need to fill time and wait until I can see her. Doing this during a pandemic makes it harder, much harder. I'm lucky I have family to live with, though sleeping on my childhood bunk bed is not how I imagined 51 to be. I just want to do Annette proud. I talk to her every morning, and it helps me clear my head and keep connected... somehow. I know she hears me.