nashreed

It's true. Time only seems to make it worse. I can't pretend I'm on a really long visit with my family and I can go back home anymore. I can only distract myself so much. Her picture used to make me smile more than make me sad- now it's the other way around. I know she would want me to be happy- but she knew how difficult this would be for me, with all my mental garbage. I don't want her to feel bad for me- maybe that's the only reason I am doing anything. I feel like I don't deserve a life, and more to the point, I don't want a life. There's a stupid commercial for this reality show "Love Off The Grid" or something, where survivalists (I assume) want relationships (even though they're living away from everyone and everything). "What is life without love?" one says. Yep. I really don't know why I'm doing anything. I have no future.

I'm in a really weird place in my life. I'm a Type 2 Diabetic, and lately my numbers have been getting out of control. My A1C has gone from a nice 6.1 to a bad 7.2 this past year. I'm starting to eat better, and cutting out sugar as much as I can.... and I have to ask myself why? Why am I trying so hard (other than I don't want anything amputated anytime soon)? I'd like to think that Annette is encouraging me, as she struggled with Diabetes the whole time I knew her. But I still feel like I let her down, that I should have done more to help her with her Diabetes (it greatly contributed to her passing). What right do I have to take care of myself when I didn't take better care of her? I have one friend here in town that just wrote me again that he'd like to get together soon. I'm shocked that anyone still cares about me (in the real world). Everybody else has stopped writing, stopped caring. I don't know why he's still trying. He must be a Saint. I never maintained friendships when Annette was alive because I didn't need or want anybody else. Now I don't think I deserve anyone to care about me. I get mad at myself when I enjoy something I eat. I don't know that I can be a friend to someone. I've accepted that I will never have a love relationship with anyone again and I was just waiting to die. Why do I still keep trying to improve my life? I don't feel like I deserve to live. Annette deserved to live. I was only a good person because of her. I have only minimal social skills and I'm retreating into myself more all the time. I feel like I'm being pulled in two opposite directions.

Annette was a huge fan of Keith Green (if you're familiar with him- he'll be gone 40 years this year, wow). His music and lyrics really informed her view on being a Christian. She also loved 80's Christian music like Amy Grant, Steve Taylor, DeGarmo & Key.... I would have a hard time listening to them for the same reasons as you can't listen to love songs. Love songs are unavoidable. Songs that are depressing for most are comforting to me.

It's never a bore Gwen. I find it interesting. My life is beyond boring, just in a different way. I know what's it like to be stuck in the hospital or in rehab, because of Annette. The difference is she always had me visiting with her, until damn COVID. I believe that COVID indirectly led to her passing, and she never had the virus. My not being able to visit and talk to her doctor in the hospital, and then she had to leave rehab because she couldn't stand it there, couldn't stand that I couldn't visit her. I'm sorry you're facing this without anyone there. We're all here for you in cyberspace- all our thoughts are with you.

Does anyone else preoccupy their thoughts with "What If"'s and "What would have been"'s? I feel like the only way to keep her present and relevant in my life is to think obsessively about what life would have been like if she were still alive. Maybe it's cold comfort that things would have been incredibly difficult. Annette only had to deal with two months of the pandemic- and it was very hard on her. She hated wearing masks, because she already had breathing issues and was also claustrophobic. We counted on our local Urgent Care as a place we could go when something came up. We had a running joke- there's a song by Toad The Wet Sprocket that we said was her Theme Song: "Something's Always Wrong". To know that she would have had so many appointments (our calendar was full of appointments, every month) where she would have to be masked- and I wouldn't be able to go in with her..... She wanted so badly to resume working, but with the pandemic and how suseptible she would be, I still would never have let her resume work, unless somehow she could have gotten something "work from home" (but our internet was less than great). I felt terrible that I didn't take her out to even just the dollar store. She wanted to go, but with loading up her wheelchair and her eyesight, it was just easier for me to go. I have so much guilt that I kept her isolated- it would have been so much worse, and ongoing up to today (and beyond). It's like I'm torturing myself with these thoughts, but they also keep her memory in the present- our terrible, miserable present.

And it's so sad that all of them are so old. On Mellencamp's new album, he sounds like Tom Waits' corpse. There won't be anyone to replace these great artists.

Anything from the 70's or 80's is fine with me (well, absolutely no New Kids On The Block. Boy bands are my nemesis'). I hope you have access to music there Gwen. I know I can't go a few hours without it (pretty bummed ol' Neil Young is off Spotify).

Well, she would always bring up me making her see Bob Dylan when I complained about something (she didn't mind some of his songs, but he was in a "mumbles" mood, where you couldn't tell what song it was- the arrangements were totally different and you couldn't understand the lyrics).

"My Immortal" was one of Annette's absolute favorite songs. I defintely cannot listen to that song anytime soon. She liked big orchestral and "bombastic" produced songs- Queen, Trans Siberian Orchestra... We saw Meat Loaf when he was popular in the 90's. She had said her Dad reminded her of Meat Loaf- just his way of talking. She even dragged me to a production of "Adia" once. The things I did for her....

Oh- I never realized it could be read like that. It's her initials- Annette Lorraine Johnston. When we first went out (and then broke up very badly), I got a license plate that was I LUV ALD (her maiden name was Dicus). This is when we were broken up. It pissed her off so much . I feel like its a complete circle though. (That original car was the victim of a cracked engine block because of my delivering pizzas in it for a couple of years) Annette liked Roxette. She had the tape of "The Look". I still have a lot of her tapes, her cassette singles (remember those?) I find myself listening to some of her favorite artists and albums. They give me comfort and make me sad at the same time. She had an artist she loved (totally forgotten now) named Joshua Kadison- a piano based singer-songwriter. He has an album and song called "Delilah Blue" that's got to be one of the most beautiful sad songs ever- and it's almost 10 minutes! It's a shame that he released this brilliant, unique album and was dropped by the record label when it didn't sell like his first album. It happened a lot in the 90's. Now artists are lucky to even be able to release one single song for streaming.

I thank all of you for your kind words and encouragement. It's so very hard to be on this journey, but I do cherish this Forum and Marty and everyone for accepting me. I wish I could honor Annette more than I do. I wish I could ask her if I'm disappointing her with how I'm handling this. I can't donate to Diabetes research in her name or any grand gesture. What I was able to do was a little tribute that makes me smile inside every day. I ordered the plates about a year ago (I couldn't even order them at all in 2020 due to COVID- I guess they really are made in prisons) and they finally came a week ago. I love Annette more than ever, and I just want her to know if she's looking down and seeing my car. I can't wait to be with her again.

It is very hard Enza. Thank you. I know it's supposed to be "one day at a time", but I can't help thinking that I'm only 52 and my life is essentially over. I just didn't plan ahead to a future without Annette- we scraped by on disability and part time work. It was hand-to-mouth, but we were a team and we made it work and it was fine. She couldn't work and I stepped up, but now I have no motivation whatsoever to get a job. I'm not happy mooching off my family, but I don't need another reason to hate my life right now either. My preferred occupation (music store retail) doesn't exist anymore. There's a song by ELO called "Mission (A World Record)" where the lyrics are about a space traveler whose orders are to sit on a park bench and watch the world go by, just observe-don't participate. I want to participate, but my anxiety, COVID and other circumstances are just too much to overcome.

I'm at a point in my grieving where if I think about her for more than a few seconds, I get so upset that she isn't here and yet I want to remember her. Unlike some here, I feel like I am losing my memories of her. I have to be triggered by something that I see on TV or a place I pass by. I find myself thinking of what she'd reply to something I say, and that's comforting- but I feel like grief is the only connection to her I have left. Not even her sister texts me much anymore. I'm so alone (except for you fine folk). I often think that I should stop writing on here- that I need to suck it up and get used to not discussing any of this with anybody. Literally, nobody in my sad little life cares. I've given up trying to talk to my family about anything of substance and the days are passed with meaningless distractions. I have no purpose here and I just feel like I shouldn't be here. There's an old Twilight Zone episode about three astronauts who land back on earth and to everyone (the press, etc) they are alive, but they really died and they just don't know it yet. They feel and know that they don't belong and just slowly fade away and disappear until none of them are left. I feel like a ghost. I'm waiting to fade away.

Annette was such a sweet, naive soul. I'm so glad I had the foresight to save some of her voicemails. She got me through a job I hated by leaving me messages every hour. She used to sing songs to me. She sounds like a little kid and she would make up little ditties about the stuffed animals we had and their adventures, or a little "I love you" tune to the melody of a well known song- often by The Carpenters, because I guess they were in her range (I know nothing about keys and singing). They were so cute. She was just cute. Always childlike and curious. Even when she was in pain, so always looked out for me and tried so hard to be brave.

I feel like I'm the Keeper Of Obsolete Phones. I have her disabled phone and my previous phone that has her voicemails on it. I don't trust backing things up to The Cloud or whatever it is. It's bad enough I lost some pictures of her when an SD card I had got corrupted. I looked into recovering them but it's ridiculous expensive.

Oh Gwen, I understand. I have a boring meaningless set routine that I abhor, and if it gets disrupted I get rattled and my anxiety goes through the roof. I want to do things that are fun and interesting, and I don't want to do things at the same time. My brother is all about going out and doing things, going to shows... It gives me anxiety, but I do love living in Southern California, if for no other reason than I love L.A. We're going to a Q&A with the cast of my favorite TV show in April ("Ghosts") and that's something to look forward to at least. I am so sorry about your problems in rehab. I can completely relate. Annette was supposed to be in a rehab when she passed. She had a really bad two week hospital stay and they wanted her to get her strength back there. She hated it there and made the choice to come home, against her doctors advice. I should have forced her to stay there, but I could never say no to her. I blame myself for her death still. I admire you for sticking it out Gwen. I know it sucks so much, but you need it. Hang in there camper.

I am keeping her phone. It has pictures she took on it and voicemails, texts... It just won't be able to call out or receive calls. It's just sad. I will miss hearing her ringtone (an acoustic guitar snippet). It was a bare bones phone to begin with (she couldn't use the internet on it with her low vision). It has the wrong date and time and rebooting it doesn't fix it. But it was hers, for better or worse.

Yesterday I finally had to cancel Annette's phone line. Her phone is outdated and has been rendered obsolete and the phone provider is forcing an upgrade. I only kept it because it was hers- just one of the last tangible links to her, now gone too. I don't need it, and it only gets spam calls anyway, but I feel grief about it just the same. I feel no motivation to interact with the world or with people anymore. Talking on the phone with people to pay bills is the only contact I have with people other than my family, and posting on here- but even that leaves me cold and empty. It seems that nothing and nobody can ever possibly take half the place of Annette, so why even try? I exist, but it's meaningless. I'm just in a purgatory, waiting to be with her again. I feel so terrible. I had a friend who is a widow that I texted with and messaged. She wanted to spend less time writing me and more time just watching TV and sleeping. I didn't understand at the time, but now I totally do. Nobody can replace our soul mate, and I foolishly thought that I could be a good enough friend to fill that void. Now I know that it really is all about distracting myself as much as possible, not thinking about her.... I thought I could have a meaningful connection that would be as fulfilling as my relationship with Annette, but that's never going to happen. I just wish I could tell her she was right, but we don't write anymore. My life is over. I'm just taking a long time to decompose.

So true Gwen. My family doesn't understand why I'm not the same person I was. I don't know how to be the person I used to be with them, and the person that lived with Annette is dead. I physically should have died with her. My life now is a pointless existence of being so incredibly bored and lonely, but also not wanting to be around anyone (except Annette, which isn't possible on this earth). I use COVID as an excuse (albeit a valid one) to not interact with the outside world, but it wouldn't make much difference if COVID didn't exist. I have no opportunity or means to meet anyone, and wouldn't know what to do if I did. I get pissed off reading about asteroids that are always supposed to be coming so close to Earth, but aren't a threat. Can't catch a break ever.

So you were able to get tested, Gwen? I know it's going to be better for you this time. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

KayC, I struggle greatly with alternating between taking care of my health and not caring about it. I'm not looking to live till 99- that scares me to death to even contemplate. I have Type 2 Diabetes, and I don't eat that great. I still mooch off my family's provisions anyway, and they are NOT salad eaters whatsoever. My Mom is 85 and never exercises, eats microwave food almost exclusively and yet is doing fine- no mobility issues, no mental problems (just very hard of hearing)... My A1C is always good somehow miraculously. I'm afraid that my genes are "too good". It's a little late to start smoking- can't afford them anyway.

Gwen, maybe that's why I wasn't more upset when Annette passed. I often think that I didn't love her enough because I couldn't really cry, other than tears of frustration and anger. I did more yelling than anything. But maybe, because I knew Annette was going to be in Heaven, I was relieved. She was in so much pain, it was scary. She could barely walk that last week. I have to believe God was merciful. I can't imagine why else He would take her.

I truly don't want to say anything bad about an American Icon like Betty White, but when she lost her husband, she had been on a hit TV show and was financially set, and could choose to not seek out another spouse. She had tons of friends and support, and so many animals that if she wasn't rich, she would have been considered a hoarder. I think she had like 23 dogs when she passed. That's all well and good for her, and God bless her, but if I even think that I might live another 40 years alone, I start having severe anxiety. Annette was the best. There will never be another her. But, is it wrong that I still think of finding someone again? I know it's never going to happen. With my circumstances, it would be like winning the Lotto and getting struck by lightning, but I don't want to be alone. Does it mean that I loved Annette less than the women here who choose to say "I've had the best and I'm good now"? My brother is 56. Has never had a serious relationship ever. He had a crush in college that rejected him and it devastated him. He has since been on dating sites and has been working consistently, yet has never found a girl even willing to date him once- not for late of trying. He's a nerdy looking guy, but not hideous. He actually doesn't mind talking to people, has none of the anxiety issues I do (he works at friggin Walmart), he has steady income, money in the bank, and owns the home I live in (my name isn't). He has way more going for him, and yet .... nothing. My fate is to live with my brother as two bitter old men. Fun.

Thanks Gwen. We all wish you the best of luck with your surgery. We all want to be kept current on everything this week. I know I will be obsessively checking the Forum for updates, so make sure you have your charger packed! I know you will do great. Look at it this way: So much bad happened with your recovery last year, the odds are in your favor that things will work out excellent for you! Fingers and toes are going to be perpetually crossed all week!!

I hope so much that you can find the answers you're needing. I know what its like- there's still so many things I don't understand about Annette's passing. I'll never know why she didn't call out to me that night, though I assume she didn't think that her low blood sugar was as bad as it was. She always took such pride in being able to maintain her blood sugar, until her kidney function made it completely unpredictable. I imagine I have PTSD as well. I have developed serious Misophonia, where certain sounds are magnified so much that I have to wear headphones a lot of the time. When my family eats, the sound of fork hitting plate is like a dagger to my brain- I cannot stand it. Kids screaming outside, or even talking loudly (which they always do) is maddening to me- I cannot stand hearing them. Sometimes even a clock ticking becomes too much for me. I am on disability for anxiety disorder already, and as I understand it, you can have multiple disabilities but still only get the same amount. I wish it was enough to live on, but its not even close- especially in California. I have to get to a place where I can work, but without Annette as a cheerleader and support system, I don't know if I can do it. It's always one step forward, two steps back.