nashreed

I wish I had musical talent, as a form of expression- to get these feelings voice. Of course, I hate the sound of my voice.... My Mom is very unemotional- doesn't like being hugged. There's reasons for this from her childhood, but it doesn't help me any. If my Mom had any medical issues at this point, I don't think I could handle it. I have to remind myself how fortunate it is. Annette had chronic pain for 20 years, and increasing problems from Diabetes during that time. I had enough stress that I started having panic attacks at work, and eventually just walked out during a shift at Christmastime in 2010. Now I don't have her, but I have all this residual anxiety, that my family doesn't care to understand. My Mom loves me because I'm her son, but wants me to be who she wants, not who I am, and constantly lays the guilt trip of "Where did I go wrong" in raising me-- when I'm 52!! I didn't live here for 25 years! I used to have therapists (so I could get cheap meds before I got disability) and I know all the "solutions", but it doesn't help me actually execute them in practice. I'm terrified of people. I have anxiety just making a phone call (yet I'm desperately lonely). It ain't no picnic being me.

Thank you. I don't know that I did what I thought was best at the time. I really tried, but half of the time I feel like I wasn't there for her. It's so hard taking care of someone with chronic pain, and her multiple health issues. I really should have spent the time and money that I spent on keeping myself sane (mostly with music retail therapy) on things to help her. I tried so hard to make her happy. Giving her a Cream Egg made her much happier than giving her a kale salad, but what did that do for her ultimately? I just don't want to live anymore. It's impossible for most people to know what it's like to feel that. I should have went with her. I don't want to face another brutal Southern California Summer, this time very, very alone (last year I had a friend who I texted with- that helped a lot but it ended, as all my friendships I attempt do). Annette was the only person I could count on, and I know you all can relate.

As I face the two year anniversary of losing Annette, I feel I have lost all will to live. It just doesn't matter anymore. I made the mistake of listening to one of the voicemails she left me. They used to bring me comfort, but now they just bring pain. Hearing her sing her little song to me is heartbreaking. I feel so responsible for her loss, even more so after all this time. I enabled her- she loved those nasty Cadbury Cream Eggs. I should have taken better care of her. I'm so angry at myself and can't live with this guilt. I really think that I could guarantee success and if it was pain free, I would end it all now. I have looked to you all for advice and you've given me inspiration and helped me along this journey, but I feel like I've failed. I just don't know what my purpose for still being here is. I'm tired of being so incredibly lonely. If she hadn't been so amazing, maybe I wouldn't feel this incredibly awful.

It does get lonelier every day. I bought some of Annette's favorite perfume to spray around when I'm really, really down. It brings momentary comfort. I feel completely unmotivated to do anything. What is there to do? I'm stuck here. I wasn't able to stay in our house, in our town. Where I am used to be our town, where we met, but it's turned into a cruel, mocking shell of the town we grew up in- full of homeless people and shuttered businesses.

I can absolutely understand. Anything to distract. Unfortunately, I don't have a ton of options in this town, without friends (I think the one friend I did have here has realized that I'm not any fun- I haven't heard from him, and honestly it's more stressful to think of doing something social with someone who doesn't understand. It's hard to be "on".) I can see why people drink alcohol and get drunk and black out. I would, but I don't have the cash to support that habit. I know what it is to feel guilt about not thinking of her. But if I do, I just feel worse. It's like having a low grade simmering headache, and if I think of her and what I have lost, the pain gets worse. Why would I do that to myself? I don't want to forget our lives, but why is it that I can remember that night vividly and the happy times I can barely remember? (Thank God for pictures!) I'm grateful for you folks here. You have been life savers. It's an odd way to be friends (in cyberspace), but I'll take it. I wish my phone wasn't so lonely. I wish I had someone to text in the evenings, but I don't. All that's dried up. Just to say stupid things, chat about the weather... It's frustrating how people need people, not lucky. Barbara Streisand can suck it.

I think that the guilt that I feel, that I wasn't a good enough husband, is the only thing that makes me feel like I'm still her husband. I know that she would never say that I wasn't the best person for her. I need a chart and graphs to tell me if I'm where I'm supposed to be at the approaching two year mark (that's being factious, as I know everyone is different). I know most of you are farther along in your grief. It sure doesn't get any easier. Nothing much helps. Complusive CD hoarding doesn't help. I get a package from eBay and it's a thrill and distraction, but it doesn't replace the companionship. I'm lucky that I have music to obsess over and distract me....until before bed when I face the silence and emptiness in my soul. It's a hobby, but it doesn't replace a life. I guess there's millions of people who are miserable and alone. Just not being part of a team of two is something you never get used to. I'll never be happy in this life again. It's just hard to face.

Kay, I actually found the online article about the two guys who took over Bert's. They were so excited about it. It was only re-opened around this time last year. Seems like their dream to own it wasn't to be. That's pretty sad. I know my hometown here is full of empty storefronts and restaurants. My favorite restaurant when I was a kid (Sambo's!) is now a dodgy Mexican seafood place. Seems like all we're left with are Starbucks and Walmarts. I feel like I'm not there for my family, just as they're not able to "be there" for me. They're connections, sure. I am very very blessed that my Mom is healthy at 85 and is still "all there" mentally (though her habit of complaining about the same things over and over and good old fashioned racism get on my nerves). It seems all I can focus on about my family are what annoys me. I never got annoyed with Annette (though I annoyed her plenty- she was a saint). This just isn't the life I want. I'm bitter and angry about my world being taken away. How I took it for granted. These are the things I talk to Annette about- all my regrets, my apologies. I didn't deserve her, and I feel like I'm being punished for not treating her better, not making her my priority at all times.

I have been thinking so much about what scba said. I think it's great to be so accomplished, having a job, eating right- I don't have that in my life, and I was thinking that's what was missing. Then to know that you can have that and still feel so lost, alone and empty.... I think I mentioned I was supposed to be a twin. I used to feel so empty, with no soul- until I met Annette. Now, I'm back exactly where I was before I met her, like I was picked up by a UFO and then brought back to the place I was picked up, back to my childhood room, back to that emptiness. I talk to Annette every day, because I really believe she hears me. I want nothing to be unsaid when I see her again. I wish I could feel her presence, but I feel her spirit and heart in the birds, in nature. I'm staying as connected to her as much as I can. Coming up on two years, it gets harder and harder, but I have to put in the effort. I don't have much of anything else. I envy people with friends, especially if they can talk to them about loss. It's going to be a very lonely, miserable rest of my life. I'm not looking forward to it in the slightest, but there's a reward at the end.

I understand that very well, scba. I often feel like I'm failing in Annette's eyes when she looks down at me. I talk to her every day. I try to keep that love she had for me alive in my heart, but I feel empty. So alone.

It's coming up on 2 years for me in May. The world couldn't care less. I see all these strangers and they have their lives, their spouses and my soulmate is not on this planet, and I just never will be ok. It doesn't get better, it's just the way it is. I always felt bad for my brother. He's never had a real relationship. He's not a bad guy, just very very self-centered and selfish. He just has no way to relate to me and what I've lost- not having the person that I spent every day with for 30 years. Is he better off? Even my Mom can't relate. She was only married 10 years, to a workaholic who was never home in the last few years. I have no memory of my father whatsoever. He passed in 1999. All I can do is distract myself as much as possible. I feel terrible I don't think about Annette as much as I should, but it's just easier not to. I'm long past being able to pretend I'm on an extended vacation. This is my life now, what there is of it.

Gwen, I know I've given up on "living". It's sad. I spent the afternoon with my brother. He likes to go to an eatery that has waitresses in skimpy kilt/Scottish outfits, and they had an Irish menu today- sort of. He likes to go to Barnes & Noble and browse endlessly, and I try to engage and be interested, but I can only give so much. I just zone out. I just see things that Annette would have loved. I just get depressed. I know it means a lot to him to go out (he doesn't have friends either) and I really want to try, yet all I want is to be with Annette. I'm more in love with her than when she was alive, and she's completely unattainable. I just will never be happy again. It's a hard realization.

Kay, You don't bring me down. I think we're all already there. I don't have anyone to talk to either. I post on here and wonder if anybody cares. I just have absolutely no hope for any future either. I don't know if anyone here believes in reincarnation. Annette and I had someone read our palms once and they said she was on her last "life" and I was on my first. I certainly hope that's wrong. There's a theory you can have a choice to be reincarnated or not. I say NO!!!! Who would want to be born into this world now? It's a complete mess. Christians have been saying we're going through the "last days" since I was a kid. Like, let's get it over with already.

Gwen has a way of stating things in a way that I can understand perfectly. "There is nothing worse than feeling like you're taking up space..."- that's exactly how I feel. More to the point, I feel like a ghost (must be why I love that show so much!) I just float around for no reason, waiting and hoping to have learned enough "life lessons" to let me go up to Heaven. I want to die in my sleep, but every morning I wake up anyway. It's terrible living in California, and being in grief- it's always sunny. I want it to be cloudy and miserable, like how I feel. Everybody just assumes that I should get a job and that will solve my problems. Nobody seems to get or remember or care that I walked out of my last retail job (working in person with the public)- just up and left in the middle of a busy shift at Christmastime, just walked out. The times I worked since was because Annette really needed me to step up financially, and for her and to keep our home, I did. I fought for years to get disability and I'm on it now and I get by. I can pay my own bills. I'm not able to help much with the "household", but my brother and mother would be doing fine without me here. I'm mooching, I guess, but why risk my fragile sanity on sustaining a life that I'm miserable in? I can only work part time anyway. Of course, when my Mom is gone, all bets are off. Then I really don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so thankful she is healthy and doesn't have any medical issues (other than the typical things she has to watch) at 85. I just know she won't be around forever. Then I will well and truly probably lose my mind. I've given up on friends- I can't trust anybody. I can't even get a cat, dog or even a hamster.

I'm not sure I ever mentioned it, Kay, but I am on disability. I have been since 2016. It took a lawyer and going to court and two years. I can pay my bills and contribute what I can to the household, but my family makes me feel like a useless sack of crap for not being employed. My Mom not as much, but she is a master of the passive aggressive implied insult. She thinks I should be over my grief, and has no true understanding of what I went through to get disability and how much counseling and trying every antidepressant/anxiety medication it took. I was in another state, and of course, she never really wanted to talk about it. I don't know the exact particulars of what Diabetes did to Annette's body when she was a teenager other than she already had been through menopause when we met. She was diagnosed at around 12 and only had a year of periods. I really don't understand the lifting of mask mandates all of a sudden. It's supposed to be ok for vaccinated people to not wear them but unvaccinated people still have to. Sure- the unvaccinated are going to be good and wear them. They're the ones that never have. I still wear mine in stores and who knows when I'll not wear it. After losing my father in law to COVID, who was only 80, I am not giving it to my Mom, who is 85. That's one of the reasons I still haven't gotten a part time job. I'm in no hurry. I have a very bad addiction to buying CD's online, and it really doesn't matter now that I do- I can't undo the guilt I feel for spending money on stuff when I should have spent it on Annette. I come from a selfish, self-centered family. I always was always collecting stuff. One of my worst addictions was to the first laserdiscs (remember those?) released- dating back to 1978. It was fun, but it took money away from Annette's care I'm sure. I guess it was a distraction from the stress of caring for her. All the pain she was in. I was working then, and spending stupid money on "the hunt". Some of these laserdiscs (Discovision's) only had 3 known copies to exist- crazy stuff. There are a handful of hardcore collectors of them that I was in communication with. Friends, I guess, but it ended when I had to sell the best of the collection. Some movies I had 10 copies of, because they would be sold in big lots, and you had to buy them all to get one you really needed. Idiot. A lot of regrets. I guess I could have been a gambling addict. That's worse.

At least you do have a friend who is there for you Gwen. I don't have that. I would do anything to take your pain away. I wish only the best for you Gwen. You have a goal- to go home. Don't give up on that goal! You inspire me, even though you don't feel that you are. It's important to me that there's at least life out there that I have a little participation in. I'm there with you in my thoughts Gwen. I know it's the worst possible time to be in a rehab facility.

Annette was never able to have children. We used to joke about all the mental and physical issues that poor child would have had. There was a discussion on The View about anxiety and mental health and how it's more out in the open and accepted as a real medical condition. Not in my house! With the mental issues I inherited from my Mom, she is so dismissive of what I go through- how I still can't face getting a job. There is pretty much nothing but face to face customer service jobs here, for the unskilled and undereducated. I had a massive nervous breakdown and walked out of the last retail job I had- at Christmastime (2010). She still thinks "Oh, it's all in your head, you can get over it", when she hardly ever leaves the house due to agoraphobia, which I have to a lesser degree. Combined with the grief of two losses, that we never talk about, she just does not understand me anymore. She just wants me to be like I was when I was 10. And I never ever can talk about anything remotely personal with my brother. He could care less about me as a person- he just wants a sounding board to talk about what he's interested in. He's really a sad, selfish person, and I see way too much of myself in him. I wish I didn't have to survive. It's just diminishing returns at this point.

That's a beautiful story Ana. I relate to it so much. Annette was only 49. Her sister says that she would want me to be happy, to laugh... How can I when all I think of when I think of her now is how damn unfair life was to her? Type 1 Diabetes, which caused kidney failure, which also caused her to be nearly blind. Severe rheumatoid arthritis, which caused her do be in pain for 20 years. Yet all that time, she was still upbeat and cheerful- never letting it get her down...most of the time. Sometimes she would just break down and cry from the pain, from the frustration of there always being something else wrong. Toward the end she had weeping edema from the kidney failure and I had to wrap her leg (yes, only one because one was amputated) several times a day. Why was life so unfair? Why is it still unfair to all of us? It's hard to live with. I want to be her husband still. I want it more than anything. I want it more than my life. I try so hard to hang on to being her husband, but I can't live in the past. My life sucks. The present sucks. My car was broken into overnight (well, it was opened, because I never lock it in my own driveway). Luckily, I don't have jack squat to steal in there. I think they got a dollar. But all my trash in my driver side pocket was thrown everywhere- I feel violated. I can't go to the dang grocery store without being hassled by a homeless person (that's life in California). What am I doing? What am I doing here? Hearing the cashiers talk about going on vacation and their spouses and their lives. I have no life. More to the point, I don't deserve a life. I can't escape the guilt of not taking better care of her when she was here. Often preoccupied, always buying CD's.... What an idiot.

I wish I had a purpose. I would give anything to feel the stress of being Annette's caregiver again, even though at the time I hated it. I used to have a lot of trouble sleeping- always worried about her overnight. Always listening for her to call for me, or fall out of bed (which she did a few times). Now I sleep great. What does that say about me? Kay, I seriously don't want my life to be like your sisters. At least she has people to talk to on the phone. I hate how my Moms life seems to revolve around the TV. She reads too, but never goes out. She's about the last of her family (except for her two sons and some random cousins). The thought of just growing old and bitter with my brother- two miserable lonely old men- makes me want to jump off a building. (Unfortunately, the tallest building in town closed off access to their roof. I used to go up there as a kid) You can't make new old friends. None of my old school friends have time or interest in me. It would take 10 people just to fill the roles that Annette filled in my life easily. She was everything. I don't understand why I have to exist without my soulmate. It's like walking around without a heart- a zombie.

What's really hard is that I'm so used to being in a loving relationship, having a spouse. I don't think it makes me love Annette any less to want to be in another relationship, but I know it's impossible. I was really sent into a depression seeing 90 something year old Dick Van Dyke and his 40 year old wife. Well, unless you're a rich celebrity, you're never going to be able to be with a much younger woman. All of the women my age are taken or have more baggage than a Southwest carousel. I'd ideally love to find a widow because they understand, but more often than not it seems they don't want another relationship (at least based on the participants here). I was seriously almost considering "switching teams"- I'd be much more attractive to a gay man. Unfortunately, I don't like the company of men that much. Not a bro. Sigh. I'm just tired of feeling so lost and alone. But it's never going to change. That realization hits me at various times of the day, like a truck, no matter how much I try to just distract myself from it and pretend I have a life. I don't know what I will do when my Mom is gone. As much as she drives me bonkers, she's all I have (well, my brother, who really gets on my nerves....). To be stuck with just him is my fate, and it's too depressing to think about.

And now I've been thrown into a massive depression....I think I mentioned that I have one friend here, Paul, that I reconnected with through Facebook. We went to middle school together. He lives in town and we've gotten together a couple of times. I've been waffling on getting together again, because his life is so great- married with a kid. I wasn't up to see him the previous weekend, but was hoping to meet up this past weekend, but he said he had something going on. I then see on Facebook that that something was his family in Hawaii! He didn't even tell me he was going. I feel like such an incredible failure that I never took Annette to Hawaii (although she couldn't swim and I can't think of what we would have done there, still...). I just want to be swallowed by the ground and be done with this life. I had my time here. I've overstayed my purpose. I've suffered enough.

I keep on trying to justify my existence. Why am I here, when my soul mate is not on this earth? Other than you folks here, I have no friends. I have "friends" on Facebook that use to be friends in real life- my best friend when I was 12, a couple who were very close to me and Annette when we were starting out... They don't care about me at all now. If I reach out to them, I get a cursory reply, but they have lives now and are happy and don't need me. Nobody needs me. I'm tired of myself, sick of my life. What do you do when life means nothing? Life without love is no life at all. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up here anymore. I'm sorry to be so down and depressing. I really am just at my wits end. I have no hope, no future. It's funny. The song that came up right now is Peter Gabriel/Kate Bush "Don't Give Up". The lyric goes "Don't give up, because you have friends"....Not in real life unfortunately.

I feel and understand you Gwen. I honestly know what it's like to have no reason to live now. I can't imagine years of this pointless existence, and I don't have the pain that you have. You have meaning to me Gwen. If nothing else, you inspire me with your strength. I couldn't do what you're doing. At least you have one really good friend. You have Mel. I can't even get a freaking cat here. To feel so unloved and useless is hard. It just gets worse and worse. I heard about how poor Bob Sagat passed. I found myself wondering how hard I would need to hit my head on my headboard (actually it's the bedpost that was part of the connection for a bunk bed. I literally am sleeping in the bed I slept in as a kid. There's still an E.T. sticker on it.) I'm too chicken to do anything. I just don't want to be here. I only want to talk with Annette- I only want to be with her. Nothing means anything now. Thank you for being here Gwen. You and the folks here are about all I have. If Gwen can make it, I can.

That's sweet. I wish I could still find surprises. I had to move from our home after a month and a half and so I couldn't really justify keeping things like the last water bottle she drank out of. I kept it as long as I could. But I couldn't even take the table it was resting on with me. I feel more and more disconnected from her. I found out my insurance doesn't cover the test strips for Annette's glucometer that I've been using anymore. They're going to send me a new one. That was literally the last thing of hers that I was still able to use. All of her cough drops, Tums, medications have expired. I had to get a new car before I left Tulsa. I had to get a new phone and cancel her phone and service because its unsupported and obsolete now, It really sucks.

Gwen, I am so unbelievably proud of you taking charge and standing up for yourself. That's what you need to do. Don't let these people treat you any less than the Queen you are. When Annette had to be in rehab in the past, she would never want to make a fuss. She never wanted to be a bother and I was the one who had to get pissed and yell when I saw she wasn't getting her proper care. We were a team and she could be demure and sweet as long as I brought the hammer down when needed (and that is not my personality at all). When she was in rehab after her below-knee amputation, we had a lot of fun there- playing Trivial Pursuit, just hanging out. The last time she was in rehab, because of stupid damn COVID, I was not able to be there and see what it was like at all. I couldn't be "bad cop" and that's probably why, when she was getting subpar care right off the bat, that she just decided to leave. If she had been in rehab like she was supposed to be, its very probable that she would not have passed, because she would have at least been able to call for help earlier. It haunts me. COVID indirectly killed Annette. Keep going Gwen! Not to put pressure on you, but I get a lot of inspiration and hope from you. I'm a fan.

I know Kay. I literally thought -"Annette would want me to take better care of myself", and in my mind I can hear her say "Told ya". It sucks being Diabetic. My Mom makes me spaghetti every week, and I have to have her stop- it just raises my sugar too much. Annette and I really made a valid attempt to eat good. She was cooking raw chicken twice a week, using it in many different, healthy (attempted) meals. Basically her kidney function was very poor from being a Diabetic since age 14. Her blood sugar crashed out of nowhere that night. She was trying so hard to keep control, but her kidney function made it so unpredictable. Combined with her weight (her BMI was over 60)- the pain from her arthritis and her amputated leg (not from Diabetes) made exercise extremely difficult. She just had so much against her. We tried so hard. I'll always be her husband too. I've always read that marriage is a man-made institution that doesn't matter in Heaven, but I hope that's not the case.