nashreed

I totally relate. I lost my wife of 27 years in May 2020 from a myriad of health conditions that culminated in just a tragic, sad passing. Of course I was and still am devastated, but her life on earth was filled with chronic pain, mobility issues, hallucinations, even incontinence. It was so hard being her caregiver, and I felt horrible that I actually felt relief that her suffering was over. She knew she would not live a long life. She didn't want to be a burden. If I cried, it would have only been for myself, because she had a firm belief that she would go to Heaven. I don't want to lay religion on anybody, and maybe Heaven means an afterlife free of the burdens of life on earth. Whatever it is, Annette is in a better place now. I believe this in my soul. And if I'm wrong, and there is no afterlife and I can't see her when I pass, I won't know it. But the knowledgeable that someday we'll be together again is sometimes all I have to keep me going. I worried that I didn't love her because I couldn't allow myself a big bawl session. Ultimately, it just makes my throat hurt and makes me feel like crap- it doesn't help me. When Annette used to cry because of her pain, I used to hate it and I would discourage it because it was so hard to see. I told her it's just gonna leave you stuffed up and unable to breathe- and it did. I lost my father in law to COVID Sat. morning. Again, I can't cry. I imagine him and Annette reunited instead, having fun, engaging in one of their deep conversations. He was also very religious and I know that everything is good with him. James

I am so sorry. I know exactly what you're going through because I was my wife's caregiver before she passed away in May of last year. She had Type 1 Diabetes, had a prosthetic leg from an amputation, was legally blind, was severely overweight and had severe pain from Rhumatoid Arthritis- but she still had a smile for me every day and was my whole world. When I lost her, I had to move back in with my mother and brother- driving halfway across the country back to California. It's like my whole life that I built with her was completely erased along with her passing- I had to leave the house we loved and everything I knew in Tulsa, to end up back to where I started, like being in high school again, accept at 50 and with mental issues and medical debt. I was fortunate that my wife's father lived here and I was able to feel like I still had a connection to her whenever I was able to spend time with him. He passed yesterday morning from COVID. I know what it's like to feel like you are just existing. I can't work, and now another piece of my life has been taken away. But, I've learned that I am still here for a reason. With this Forum, I can find small joys in helping people with my experience. We are all in this misery together, but we don't have to be alone. That's about the only good thing about life in 2021, we can connect with people from across the country and I at least can hopefully help somebody get through their day. I'm a real person behind these words and though we can't meet and hug, we all need each other to get through our losses. We're still here to help each other. You still matter. James

Gwen, I completely agree with your sentiments. I don't know why I go on. If I could figure out a way to end things that didn't hurt and would be fool proof, I'd be all over it. I'm not saying I would, but just the thought is so nice. I relate to the suicide note of the actor George Sanders, which said: "Dear World, I am leaving because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool. Good luck" I hate the fact that thinking of Annette brings sadness instead of joy. For my own self preservation, I limit my thoughts of her, and I hate that I do, because I feel like I'm betraying her. Her father is currently in the hospital fighting COVID. He's holding his own- he's of hearty stock and so was she. Just thinking of how hospitals used to be good places- I know its not a popular opinion, but we had a wonderful hospital in Tulsa, and I always felt that she was being well taken care of there, and it made me feel secure. Now I can't imagine the horror that that hospital is, right in the middle of the country. With all of Annette's health problems, I can't even imagine how stressed out I would be if we were still there, knowing we couldn't depend on our hospital for her needs when they're so overwhelmed. He's in the hospital and I feel so cold and alone, because out of the people who are left in my life, he's the one person who I truly feel loves me, as his own son. So, the one person who is the only link I have here to Annette is almost 81, and when he's gone (but not from this, God willing) I will truly be alone and unloved. I don't feel loved by my Mom, I just don't. She doesn't know how to express love- it's just how she was brought up. And I don't even think I can love now in return either.

I sincerely apologize to everyone I offended. I never meant to name call or single out anyone here. It's just that I don't understand, Why can't the country be united against this like "The Greatest Generation" were during the war effort and the eradication of polio and small pox? I've tried- the fridge magnets don't stick to me. It is just sad and infuriating.

So, are everybodys cities and states "opened up" by now? California is supposed to be on Tuesday- possibly one of the last states to do so. No more masks or social distancing, and you're supposed to take peoples word for it that they're vaccinated? Hmmm I don't see how I'm going to be comfortable going into a Walgreens (one of the few places I actually have to go into) without a mask, even though I'm vaccinated. I just don't trust people and I can totally see a scenario where its fall/winter and this Delta variant is running rampant, and "Geez, we're sorry, guess you still need a mask again". They'll probably be a mad rush for the booster shot after not being able to give away the vaccine now, having to give away millions just so morons will get vaccinated (I'm the moron for getting vaccinated so frickin' early I guess). I hope I'm wrong.

Funny- I just had a dream that I only remember bits of. The frustrating thing is, Annette was there- but she was a combination of her and a high school crush, and she was only around 12. I feel like if I could decode what I dreamt, I would know the answer to my life.

It hurts me to say it, but I really feel like my marriage is over. I had to stop feeling the guilt that I had, for so many reasons, because I have to live with myself day to day. I think the guilt was the last thing that really connected me to her, but I just had to let it go. It's not that I stopped caring, but it is. Now I just feel like I'm estranged from her- divorced. The stuff I have of hers won in a custody battle. Maybe JimJim has it right, though if I were to buy stuff for Annette now, she would be pissed. But I never dream of her. I feel like she's mad at me, although I know she wouldn't be. Maybe she wants me to be free of her, even have another relationship unlikely as that is). She always felt like a burden, a hindrance, I have something to look forward to every day now. I don't know what it means, but its something that makes me happy. It's a friendship and I so needed somebody that understands me again. It's like an inmate getting a penpal. I've been a prisoner of my grief, and at least now I have hope. Annette and I will be together when I die. But until then, I need to be me- for better or worse- and try to live.

I feel for you, Kay. I know that every time Annette was in the hospital, it took even longer each time to recover from it. The last time she was in the hospital for two weeks before she passed, and I couldn't visit at all because of COVID- and I so regret that. If I would have been able to talk to her doctor every day, and seen her.... maybe it would have changed something.

Hello. I am still around and reading the forums- I just don't have anything to add or contribute. After reading about yours and Gwen's problems, KayC, I don't feel like I should complain about anything. I know its not fair to compare and even though I'm only a year into this, I feel so disconnected and so far from Annette and my old life...I'm just resigned to my boring day to day existence, making baby steps to socialize, but then retreating. But I have my health, more or less, and my family is fine and I am thankful for that. I have a roof over my head and my family is understanding enough to let me slum here and so who am I to complain? I feel so bad for you, Gwen, and I can sympathize- but I can't do anything to help, and that's hard for me to deal with. You get invested in the people here, and if nothing else can be said about me- I did everything I possibly could to help Annette and advocate for her. I was up late at night googling symptoms, and always pushing for medical justice. Nobody messed with her on my watch. I'm now in a place where I am just a passive observer of life, trying to just get by, but I don't invest myself like I did. I'm not in control of my life- I'm just along for the ride. I'm lucky to have an outlet for my venting, but a year in...I'm just trying to find happiness where I can and I feel so bad that I don't have guilt and I'm not tortured with grief anymore. Maybe my emotions are successfully turning off. It's just what's happened. James

That's very sweet. It's a good attitude to have about crying. I'm from an emotionally stunted family. I wish crying was easy. I could use the release. I'm lucky that I do have moments where I think of a "Nettie-ism", something funny or cute that Annette would say, and it brings a smile. Just as often though, I will get depressed from something on TV, or a song. It's a roller coaster.

Ultimately, all this talk about "America coming alive again" post pandemic is very insensitive to the people who lost loved ones to COVID. I didn't lose Annette to it, but I know my life will never be the same as it was pre-pandemic. And only half of the country is vaccinated. How is that going to work out well?

I'm so sorry, Gwen. I actually had a morning where I felt detached from myself: from guilt, from anger, from all of my emotions. It felt peaceful, actually. But, it also means that I have been without love now for over a year. Annette's love was always there, and I was able to feel it a little still, even after this long. But, I honestly felt like a ghost this morning. And, of course, this afternoon I was back to the guilt and anger at the situation I'm in. I'm bored with life. So freaking bored with T.V. The theaters are open here finally, but there isn't a damn thing I'd want to see. The last time I was in a theater is when they were having a one night only showing of 6 old "Twilight Zone" episodes on the big screen in Tulsa. I am so bored with eating and the mundane aspects of life. There's nothing to look forward to for me. I certainly miss hugs from Annette. I used to hug my Mom when I visited here before Annette passed, but she doesn't like it. She has a whole story and thing about hugs, so I don't push it. It's easier to just get used to it, get used to no love. I am thankful that I'm not in pain, and I know what that's like, and I'm so sorry, Gwen. It's all I can do, let you know that I know what its like to suffer through chronic pain. Annette had severe RA for 20 years. It's frustrating to not be able to do anything for somebody you care about.

Aww... He's cute. I hope he made it out ok.

That's comforting. I wiped it away and kissed her forehead and that's the last thing I could do for her.

I'm selfishly glad that Annette passed only two months into the pandemic. She was claustrophobic and hated wearing the masks. With all of her health issues, she would have to had to continue to wear one in public, probably for life. Just another hard reality to face. I'm still using the same box of masks that I bought for the both of us at the beginning.

So, Memorial Day Weekend is upon us. The news says 3 billion people are hitting the road and air travel is at a post pandemic high...and I'm here, missing the love of my life and am feeling more depressed than ever. It's funny, Memorial Day never meant anything to Annette. We never traveled for it, never went to cookouts or anything like that. The media makes you think that you should be out and traveling and I guess that has gotten in my head. It was kind of comforting that the country was kind of in a state like I was during the pandemic: house bound- not having any fun, not able to go to the movies or concerts or even eat in a restaurant. Now that things are opening up again, I feel more lost and miserable than ever. This is my second summer without her, but last summer I was focused on getting here, to California, and I didn't really think of it in terms of what summer usually means. I was just aware of it being hot. How does one get through a summer of sadness?

I was watching the terrible story on the news about the wife of one of the San Jose victims. Her husband was near death and crying and reached for her hand. it really hit me hard. Annette had a tear in her eye when I saw her at the hospital after she had passed. I actually asked about it, and they said that it was normal to release tears when passing, not from sadness, but just as a bodily function. I wonder though... I feel so bad that I wasn't there the moment she passed. She was still alive when they took her that night. Was she sad that I wasn't there? Was she in pain because they might have broken some ribs when doing CPR, trying to get her back. So many questions. I just can't think about it too much, but its good to release it into the internet. Maybe it will help free me from the guilt and sadness, a post at a time.

HG88, I hope that my thread idea absolutely helped you. If you were able to make some sense out of your reasons for crying, then that was the point of my post. I have felt all the feelings you described in your posts in my own life, with my own circumstances. My grandmother died when I was 8. I didn't cry for her. I didn't feel bad- she was kinda mean. My Mom didn't cry in front of me. I was raised in an emotionally repressed household. When I met Annette, not only did she come in with beautiful hugs and love, she came in with a capacity to cry and was so in touch with her emotions- she was not afraid of them like I am. If I really stopped and thought long enough about the loss of her physical body- her perfect little nose that I could press in like a button, her cute little ears, I might cry and never stop. There's a difference between crying and shedding a tear. I am shedding a tear right now. But love, our love, is still alive. It is stronger than death. I can feel it in the mornings, when I look at the sky, in the funny little birds, its there. And I truly don't want her to see me cry (just like my Mom didn't cry in front of me). I think Annette feels sadness that she had to go. I have to be strong. I know that we will be together again. ALL of us will be with our loved ones again. There IS an afterlife. My belief in that is why I don't need to cry. Annette believed in it and she was never wrong. She knew she wouldn't live a long life, and she didn't fear death. She knew there was already a place for her in Heaven. I'd be nice for us to all meet up there someday, in spirit.

Well, that's how I know and confirmed the guilt that he feels. I wouldn't want to go to that well again, for his sake.

Yeah, I didn't mean to answer my own question, as much as I wanted to verbalize the thought to be able to process it- as we all do here. I am just kind of fascinated by the act of crying- how it helped Annette. I never understood the NEED she had to do it. I always thought that it was a failing of mine and that if I was doing my job, she wouldn't need to cry. I know, of course, that I couldn't solve everything. Crying is such an emotional release, and a good one for the cryer, but so hard to witness for the other partner. Annette was the kind of person that would have been fascinated by the "process" of grieving. She always wanted to be a psychologist.

Well, his extended family is leaving on a trip next week, and it will just be him and his wife. He said I can come by, so I will have to gauge the atmosphere at that time and see what I feel comfortable with. I've gotten him to talk about her before, last year. It's sad, because I know he feels like he wasn't there for her, because he had to work a crazy amount of hours, because her Mom couldn't work when she was growing up. It's a delicate dance. I don't know if its worth it to bring it up.

I have thought about the act of, and the purpose of crying for a while now. A year after Annette's passing, and I still don't think I ever had a really good "cry" about the loss. Why? I thought that it was an emotional deficiency on my part. Why was I not able to cry and grieve? Did I not really, deep down, love her enough? Certainly I loved her more than anyone could ever love anyone. Was it too soon, would it take time? When I first lost her, there were tears, but not a "classic" crying jag. I know I'm not supposed to judge my way of grieving against others, but I felt so strongly that I was doing her memory a disservice by not being a bundle of sobs. Surely, she deserved a bawling, no holds barred Tear-a-palooza. Just yesterday, I had the memory of when she would cry. She would often cry- from frustration at her circumstance, from her chronic pain, as a release. I hated to see her cry and could not deal with it. I knew it was healthy for her to get it out, but to me it was a reaction of my not having done enough for her, to where crying was the only outlet. Was my reassurance not enough? My comfort inadequate? Inevitably, after crying for a bit, she would get stuffed up and couldn't breathe, and her throat would start hurting- it takes a lot out of you physically. I would always joke with her, "She what you did, you cried and now you can't breathe"- just so that she wouldn't cry anymore. She would say "I know, but I had to get it out". Subconsciously, I think I have blocked myself from being able to have that release- knowing that it will not only physically "choke me up". mess up my throat, make it hard to breathe...It's uncomfortable, and being a selfish and practical person, I don't want to cause myself discomfort, do I? I think Annette understands (I hope) that my not being able to cry is because it make me so upset to see her cry, and its actually a testament to her and I certainly don't want her to see me cry from up in Heaven. I'm ok if she's ok. I have feelings of depression, loss, rage, hopelessness every day. I get my emotions out in other ways. In the practical sense, has anyone here found a way that works for them to, not suppress crying, but an outlet that is a healthy alternative? I think my music and my love for her and knowing that she worries about me up there allow me to feel that crying is not necessary- at least for me. Y'know, she's good up there. What do I have to cry about? I'll see her again. James

Well, when I first moved here and my emotions were raw, I did scream at the kids, like you're screaming, so literally I'm going to scream back at you. I got the typical brat response "I'm telling", but I never heard anything about it. I figure, since I blast music every evening and haven't gotten complaints, that I just need to block it out and deal with it. It doesn't make me happy though. It doesn't bother my family, so its just me that can't stand it.

Exactly, Gwen. Every so often, her sister will share a little factoid about Annette when she was young, that I gobble up like water in a desert. But, I have to kind of prod them out of her. And, her sister lives all the way across the country, so its just texting. Her father is the only person I talk to on the phone. I kind of struggle with what to say. Annette was always so willing to listen to other people gab on, and seemed to never have anybody to listen to her talk- except me. I don't care about my father-in-laws little grandson, but thats his main focus, that and his church. Most everyone in my life only gets part of me. I can only share what they are willing to accept from me- what they want out of me, or what use I am to them.

I have to say, even though I have thought about the "suicide route", I couldn't do it to my Mom, and I figure I wouldn't succeed with my luck. If you've survived after that many attempts JimJim, you have to be here for a reason- even if its just to be a piece of this puzzle that all of us here reading these posts are trying to construct. It's more like constructing a Lego house- none are the same, they're wonkily constructed, a lot of odd angels- but hopefully they're functional and can be "lived in" eventually. It truly sucks that when I talk to my father-in-law, and when I bring up Annette, he just can't talk about her anymore. He just doesn't want to talk about her anymore. I don't know if he has just moved on or just can't "go there" anymore. He knows she's in Heaven, she's good and that's that. But I want her memory to still be a living, current part of my life and it is so hard to do now. It's easier to just not think of her throughout the day and getting through the day becomes easier that way- but it is such a rude, disservice to her. I can't just go on pretending she didn't exist. I have all these reminders of her, they bring comfort and sadness in equal measure. He calls me his "son", which is nice, I guess, but I don't want to be her replacement that he just uses as a sounding board to talk about his other family and his busy life with them. It's a hard balancing act. I don't enjoy it. Luckily, I have some things that give me some peace and I try to look for little moments of "happiness". I have a friend who I owe my life to, as just knowing that someone cares about me- who I really am and not what they want me to be- means more to me than anything. I'm not looking for anything more right now than a kind heart.