nashreed

It really is worth pointing out, that what's boring for the person writing and living their grief, it's valid and helpful to the person reading it. Gwen, you still have so much to teach us. I'm not even two years into this, and I feel I want to give up. Your inspiration is invaluable to me. Even when you're a prisoner in your home, your thoughts and your insights and what you're going through matter. You're often the only person posting at night, when I'm so lonely I ache, and I see your avatar and thank God there's a human that's writing us (me). It's like getting a surprise visit to your prison cell. It helps to know that one of us is out there, like the song "Somewhere Out There". Maybe someone else is looking at the same stars, hoping for a miracle, wishing the best for someone- a human connection in a sea of black.

I'm sorry Ana. It sucks to have had something to look forward to be pulled out from under you. I wish I had something to look forward to, but I have no reason to ever travel again. I'm one of those weird people who enjoy flying and the airport experience (at least the way it was before COVID- I don't think it would be fun to see everyone masked. Everybody treats everyone like they have cooties.) I have so much guilt that I can't live with, but I do because I can't shake it. It hits me out of nowhere with a commercial for something that could have helped Annette or just by looking at the mountains of CD's I bought that could have been money spent on her. I'm punishing myself by not being social when I'm miserable and lonely. So many lonely people in the country and we keep each other away. If I had hope of meeting a friend, of spending time with someone I liked, I could get to the next day easier. I feel like I'm slowly dying (my Sciatica being really bad this week isn't helping)

That's beautiful that you have a comfort room! I had to move from our house in Tulsa, OK back home to my Mom's in California, and I have tried to cram as much of "her" into my little childhood bedroom, but its a far cry from being a comfort room. It can sometimes feel like a prisoner's cell, where I have my favorite photos of her taped next to my bed. It's more of a "reality room". I feel like my teenage self that had a wonderful dream of a beautiful life that's gone. Annette lives in my heart and I can feel her love when I think of her, but thinking of her also brings guilt and sadness and it's just not worth it to really think of her very often- and I hate that's what I have to do to just get through a day, not think of her. One of my favorite songs title describe my life- "Everyday Is Like Sunday", y'know like how lapsed Catholics like me are supposed to reserve Sunday for quiet prayer and meditation and it's quiet and lonely and miserable. I should read books more. In honor of her, because she couldn't (she went legally blind 20 years ago). I hope there's books in Heaven. It would be Annette's dream to read her favorite authors, C.S. Lewis, Robert Heinlein, and ask them about their works in person!

So true, Gwen. Nobody can understand losing their spouse unless it happens to them. I had an old school friend that I reconnected with here. He wanted to hang out and we did a couple of times, but I just couldn't be friends with him in the way he wanted. He has no understanding or ability to deal with any emotions associated with my grief, and I don't need a "hang" buddy- I need a friend who understands and can comfort and that I can share this loss with and I can only find that in cyberspace, here. We haven't even texted in months now. I feel destined to be alone in this life now, like David Banner in "The Incredible Hulk"- just drifting. It feels so wrong to be without my "teammate", like I abandoned her. She lives in my heart but the outside world doesn't see her.

Hello, welcome and my condolences. I can understand how you're feeling and it's an interesting way to describe grief. I actually wish that I felt time stopped. For me, it is far harder to feel time and life marching on without Annette. It makes me mad and upset that her favorite shows are showing new episodes or her favorite artists are releasing new music. She can't enjoy them anymore and it hurts my heart. And I'm ageing and getting more decrepit. I stopped going to a chiropractor two months before she passed, when COVID started, and I haven't had once since, and I am really feeling it. I wish time was stopped. But, I can understand the feeling that this is "new time"- time froze when she left because now nothing in "new time" means anything. I still have thoughts of needing to refill a prescription of hers or think of the progress and what's needed next for her medical care, so yes, I definitely feel the time has frozen in that way. James

I am so sorry scba. Why does God allow tragedies like the Christmas parade murders just this week? In my case, I have to say that God was merciful. Annette was in so much pain for so long. A few years ago, she had an eye surgery that was supposed to help her low vision and stop her Diabetic Retinopathy, but her eyesight was still getting worse, and it is very possible that she would be completely blind if she were alive now. Plus, she would not have been strong enough to handle her fathers passing. Life is not fair, and its not God's place to make it fair. I have to believe that He has a plan, and that the life after death will more than make up for it. Annette and I always said "I'm OK if you're OK". I KNOW she is ok. She is in Heaven and I will be with her someday. It's very possible my back pain is because of stress. Something is always twitching on me, but maybe even that's not enough to get all the anxiety out. Thank God this place isn't closed for Thanksgiving! I'm gonna need it.

I do keep going Gwen, but it's hard. I'm feeling some significant pain. I don't know what I did, but my side hurts a lot for some reason. It's really bad getting up from sitting and first walking. My back is messed up as it is and I can't afford the copay for a chiropractor. I have arthritis and sciatica in my back, but this is new- never had pain in my side like this. At least it's not kidney pain or kidney stones. I had them only once five years ago. It's a miracle with all the soda I drink. I listened to a voicemail Annette left me, because I haven't for so long. It breaks my heart. I hate that I'm at the point where it's just easier to get through a day by not thinking of her. I hate that I avoid thinking of her and interacting with her things to make it easier on myself. I feel like I've abandoned her. But if I start thinking of her, the guilt and regret are getting to be more than I can live with. I still feel like I failed her. I still think about that night. It's so clear and vivid, when the good times blur and get distant with time. I hate that she still has such a hold on me. I still talk to her and her opinion means everything to me, and I feel like I'm grieving wrong and I have let her down by even not getting that right. It's really not worth living with this much heartache, but to give up would also be letting her down.

Thanksgiving doesn't mean anything to me. It's just another day, just the food is different. I know that I should be thankful for my mom still being here and in reasonably good health. Her hearing is poor and that's a constant irritant, but more than that, my family just aren't affectionate and don't really care to know me as the person I am, just who they want me to be (or to be seen and not heard). I printed out an article about Misophonia for my mom to read and I don't know that she even bothered before chucking it. Without the love and joy that my wife gave me, I just don't see the point of living. I truly truly do not want to be here. Gwen, I admire you more than you could possibly realize. With all the obstacles that you have, that you still "keep on keeping on" is inspirational, and it helps immensely with my outlook. Sometimes I think "Well, if Gwen is making it, I can". I need all the motivation I can get. I'll be 52 next month, and still have possibly a long way to go before I can see Annette again. What I wouldn't give for a friend in person. It's great to have the Forum, but at the same time it's empty and not the same as real life. My reality is just not worth waking up for.

I know what you mean about important dates, Gwen. They're all piled up for me in December. It was cool when Annette was alive that our birthdays were exactly a week apart. We decided to marry between them so that I would be "2 years" older than her when we married (we were born a year and a week apart). Now it's just a big dreaded week right before dreaded Christmas. . Count your blessings Gwen. I wish I had a friend that understood in living person. You guys are great, but it's a tough thing to know that I'll never be hugged again. My Mom is not a hugger, so I don't even try anymore.

Yeah, that Day Of The Dead stuff freaks me out. You hear about it a LOT living in Southern California. Mexicans will use any excuse to have a party (I'm a quarter Mexican, so it's not an insult, just a fact). If you have a ton of family and friends around, celebrating the dead with the living has appeal, but my family doesn't "party". At the end of November, I would love for it to be become January. My anniversary and Annette's birthday are just before Christmas.

Gwen, just the fact that you are getting up and not staying in bed is amazingly inspirational, and maybe you can't even understand how it can be, but I just want to give up- I'm tired of everything and a nonexistent future. But your perseverance and fight help me go about my day, because I'm just feeling sorry for myself and not in pain like you. I honestly look forward to your posts, because I want to know how you are. I appreciate the fact that you keep us informed, and its the little details and real moments that are endearing and make us love you. You ramble on, Gwen. Ramble on.

Karen, in a roundabout way, it's kind of what I was intimating. I am certainly afraid to talk to people in real life, and now I don't have anybody to talk to on the phone. I never answer the phone, because it's nobody I want to talk to, but now I feel terrible that I didn't even pick up when I saw my father in law calling. The phone is kind of like missing a scab that you picked on slowly until it comes off- it kind of hurts when you're doing it, but it's strangely enjoyable and you miss it when it's gone. I'd love to have someone to have a long phone conversation with, because it's intimate in a way that my life will never be again. I did call center work and I know how it is to hate talking after a few hours or less, but after so long....you miss it. I hate the phone now because it can't bring back what I've lost.

I met my wife on the telephone. I started work at Taco Bell when I was 18. She was a shift leader. I knew her as well as any other person there, which wasn't well at all. I was incredibly shy. I wasn't focused on meeting girls, I was too nervous trying to be a cashier, though I thought she was cute. She was absolutely my type, but so was the assistant manager, who would become a very close friend (who was 100% never interested in me romantically). When you're 18 and a guy, everybody is your type, honestly. She, I found out later, was very shy as well. Because of my inability to socialize, and her kinda being my boss, she called me one evening at home (she looked up my phone number in the files with my application- bad girl!) under the pretense of telling me that "You really are not very good at this job, and I'd like to encourage you". She really thought that I was a fascinating individual, and that my quiet demeanor was because I was like a wise monk or something. She thought I would be her "Guru", her word (Oh, how wrong she was). But, I was able to talk to her on the telephone, much easier at first than in person. So, the telephone was the "matchmaker" in that way, allowing us the ability to get to where we could start a friendship (we actually started dating fairly soon after, which went very very badly- but that's a different story). Before the ability to text or email, I would spend an hour nervously getting up the courage to call her after breaking up. I used to go to a local shopping center right by my house and use the payphone (!) for privacy (again, in the long, long ago before the phone was mobile- everybody here remembers). The telephone became part of our story. Up until a few years ago, I still remembered her Mom's old number. It was easier for me to talk on the phone, because of my difficulty being able to look people in the eyes. We got to know each other through long talks on the phone. (The decrepit shopping center is still there, but the phone is long gone) When I started working again in 2018, Annette's voicemail messages of encouragement and being able to talk to her on lunch breaks were what got me through. Now, of course, I only have the voicemails I saved of her voice, but I'm so glad I have them. Most people these days seem to abhor talking on the phone, they'd rather text. My father-in-law didn't text or email. He was the only person I still talked to on the phone, and I have to tell you, it was nice. Maybe it's because there's no visual component, but it's actually easier for me to maintain a conversation on the telephone, for fear of dead air. I would bring up topics when he drifted off or was distracted. It was shocking to me when I did it. After the initial fear of making the call, once I got into it, it became easier. Even before I moved back in with my Mom, talking to her on the phone was much easier. Because there was a couple of weeks between calls, there was something to talk about, and for some reason I am easier for her to understand on the phone, even with her hearing loss. I can tell my Mom I love her on the phone- I can't do it in person. So it's like I'm grieving the loss of the telephone. With my father-in-law gone, I have absolutely no one to call on the phone except English as their third language prescription reps or bill payment takers. It's really rather sad and bizarre. I hate talking, and yet I have no one to hate talking to. Quite a funny pickle to be in. James

It's funny how after your spouse is gone, you see what your life is worth in terms of $. We never could afford to buy a house, but it didn't matter to Annette. We finally found and were renting a house we loved after decades of renting apartments and crappy houses. So much furniture I had to just leave behind for our landlord to sell. I have no place for it. Annette wasn't into material possessions, because her family never had money either. We didn't need "stuff" because we had each other. All I have now to show for my years of working are thousands of CD's and no wife.

I don't know if it's that we're not tight. We're probably too similar. They're (especially my Mom) very passive aggressive, and not warm and loving or emotionally open at all. The complete opposite of my relationship with Annette. It's not that they're mean and nasty- just not direct or open with their feelings whatsoever. It's the way I was raised, and I just am adjusting to it, begrudgingly.

That's interesting Kay. Even though the news says it is on the wane again (and I do believe the news), I'm still on Def Con Freak Out and am getting my booster next week. I have no way of knowing what's going on with it in town here- I have no social connections now. All I know is after my father-in-law passed from it, I was bound and determined to get my mother and brother vaccinated and they are now full vaccinated! Hooray for stubborn tenacity!

Thank you, Smpl. Do I dare to even think of being happy? I'd like to just be ok at this point. I'm so sorry that you weren't able to be with him longer. I had 30 years with my Annette, and it still seems like it was barely a blip now. Living in my same childhood home, my same teenage room, it really feels like it didn't happen- it'll be 17 months tomorrow that she's been gone. I have proof and evidence and memories she was with me, but I feel like a very old, decrepit teenager. It's pretty odd. I'd probably give therapy another go if things were normal. I can't do Zoom and all that. I can barely talk on the phone- I hate it. I always think that I know all the answers of what I'm supposed to do to overcome my anxiety, and my grief- but I really don't.

Yeah, absolutely. Even before losing Annette, I was always going from one hobby to another. I collected a very specific type of laserdisc, then a very specific type of CD (the earliest releases from 1983-85), always something...It was to distract me from the health problems Annette was having, and it helped me cope for a while. I have no musical talent, but my hearing is super sensitive and when I listen to music, I listen to the tape hiss between songs, and all the little things- not just the song. If it doesn't sound good or "right" to me, it puts me in a bad mood. Even now I have stacks and stacks of CD's in my room and in my Mom's living room in boxes. I have to have them in stacks to see the titles and always have a wide variety of choices.

Right now, I'm only taking .5 MG of Alprazolam a day. In the five years it took to get on disability, I was prescribed every anti-anxiety med ever (and I went to years of therapy), Some of the meds made me so sleepy and out of it during the day. I was falling asleep listening to music (my one joy in life). But all of them except Xanax made me feel not like myself- they made me not care about anything. At the time, with Annette to take care of, that scared me more than anything. As much as I don't like myself, I need to "feel" like myself- at least its a feeling I can trust. Maybe I should look into counseling again, but I have no idea what resources there are here. And with COVID and the protocols in California, I don't think its going to be easy. I have no privacy to make Zoom appointments, and even if I did- I wouldn't want to. It's awkward enough to deal with people in person. I also have (undiagnosed) Autism or Asperger's. I can't look people in the eye- I am beyond socially awkward. I face the rest of my life alone, and I've accepted it- but it doesn't make it easy.

So, I have had panic attacks starting in 2008. I was working in a retail music, game, movie and toy store. I was just stocking and was just about alone in the store- it wasn't even open yet- and I couldn't breathe, like the way the "wind was knocked out of you" as a kid if you fell on your back. I started to become paralyzed with fear at various locations- just waiting for my wife at an appointment, I would freak out and start hyperventilating. It made it so that I walked out of a busy Christmas season shift in 2010. I had to get out. I know that I have a family history of mental illness and my mother and I have agoraphobia to varying degrees. But ultimately, the initial dormant panic disorder was triggered by my wife's health issues. After struggles with depression and anxiety as a teenager, I thought (with the love of my wife) I had it all licked. I was able to quickly get another job at a call center (no more retail!) but I couldn't handle that for long, as the anxiety had dug in and wouldn't let go. Every mental issue I had suppressed came to join the party and for ten years (and a lot of years trying to get disability) I couldn't work. Annette understood and worked until she couldn't anymore. In 2018, I had no choice, and was able to work in another call center, only with Annette's encouragement and cheerleading, until she passed. With her gone, all my "stuff" isn't going anywhere. I wish it would, as I am constantly reminded (including in my dreams) that I'm mooching off my family, and I need to find work. Unfortunately, the panic disorder kicks in, even after I tell myself that I have no reason to stress out. I've been having to go to the grocery store for the family lately, and it's a "fight or flight" mad rush through the aisles like I'm on Supermarket Sweep. You'd think that with the reason that my panic disorder is, very sadly, gone, that I would be able to "power through". I need to get some kind of life (as much as I really don't want to) and "earn my keep", but with so many triggers, and songs, commercials, products in the store I see that make me upset, I feel like I'll never be able to function in any useful capacity. (COVID has not helped) I know some of you have panic disorder and anxiety (Hi Gwen) and it helps to know that I'm not alone in this, though beyond cyberspace, I feel very alone. My mom may have some of the same mental issues, she is not understanding and sympathetic. She just wasn't raised to be warm and we haven't hugged once since I moved back here. Maybe I'm looking for a little encouragement from The Forum. I always appreciate the opportunity to vent that's allowed here. It is very helpful- and necessary. James

I am so sorry for your losses. I know all too well what it is to bumble along. I lost my beloved wife in May 2020. She had myriad health problems, and I still feel guilt about all the things that I feel I could have done differently. Her passing was essentially an accident, but also just a "perfect storm" of all her medical issues that was probably inevitable. And after also losing my father-in-law to COVID in August, I know really don't know why I'm here. It's hard to describe what a cold, damaged person I am now. My family I live with are not warm and affectionate people, so the person I was with my wife is gone. It's hard to go on, but if I don't think about her too much, and something doesn't trigger a sad memory, I find that I made it through a day relatively unscathed. It is very, very helpful to write down your feelings, and there are very nice people here- and they read your posts! And they care and knowing there is life and people out there that understand makes it a little more bearable. I hope you post more so you can get out all your thoughts. It really helped me in the past year, though I have to admit that I'm really at a motivational low in my grief journey. December is an extremely hard month for me, so if I make it to New Year's (with the Forums help), I will feel a whole lot better. James

It's really difficult to have misophonia. I get zero support or understanding from my family about it. You'd thinK that, since my mom has agoraphobia and rarely leaves the house (only for doctors appointments), she'd be sympathetic- but no. She (possibly deliberately) does things that aggravate it, especially always clicking and picking her long nails. My family probably really thinks I'm a lazy clod, but my losses have intensified my issues greatly, and I am on disability. They don't understand how difficult it was to get it- the hoops and the lawyer and the hearing. I'm sure I have Asperger's (and possibly other types of Autism, who knows?) Small talk is virtually impossible for me, and I don't look people in the eye. If I was a kid, I'd be tested and coddled and treated like gold- nobody cares if you're an adult with Autism. If it was a thing in the 80's, I would have gotten the help I needed, at least some coping mechanisms that would help me now. I had it under control well enough to work when Annette was cheerleading. Now, I just can't control it.

I know what it's like to have a restless "witching hour". For me, it's between 1 and 3pm, when I can get out and I have to just drive around my depressing hometown. I usually have nowhere to go, and I don't even have visits with my father-in-law to look forward to anymore. I really don't know what I would do without music. Because I have misophonia, I have to listen to music to block out people eating, screaming brats outside, and other noisy neighbors, so I invariably have headphones on throughout the day. I can only listen to the real stereo between 5 and 7. Listening to 80's music is comforting. Music is really about all I have to look forward to. I'm not a TV person either, really. I get bored very easily with it. I do enjoy 70's and 80's game shows on BUZZR.

I'm so sorry, Gwen. We're all "doing time" in our own way now. It's like being in prison for me too. I am so sorry about your pain. I know how hard that is. I read all your posts. I'm not tired of them. It's important to vent and get it out. Just do your best. It's really all you can do.

I met my wife, Annette, when I was 18. Before I met her, I was extremely awkward, socially inept and probably on the Autism scale, if there had been such a thing then. I was lost. I hadn't graduated high school (I got a GED later) and had been fired from my first (fast food) job. Annette worked at my 2nd job (Taco Bell), and was a shift leader. I was really not doing good at this job either. I was all thumbs making food and nervous taking register orders. Annette went out of her way to call me at me at home and tell me what I could do to improve, to try to give me a leg up and give me some confidence, to let me know that she was there to help me- and from that moment (1988), she was the entire focus of my life until May 16, 2020. From my inept wooing and tentative dating, to my trying to win her back when she despised me, through our marriage, moving out of California to Tulsa and being a team- never needing anybody else, she was my constant. I did everything I could for her. Her funny voices and our little in-jokes and everything that was so positive and warm about her helped us through 20 years of her physical pain, her losing most of her eyesight and all of the other hardships we faced-together. After she passed, I had to move back to our home town in California, which is now a shell of what was once a quiet, safe town. So many of the places we went to together are gone now- places from my childhood are shuttered, with graffiti and with homeless people camped in front. Driving down the streets of my town is beyond depressing. I had to move back in with my Mom and brother, after living with Annette almost 30 years. I'm living in the same little childhood bedroom I lived in when she called me back in 1988. I'm socially inept, awkward and lost again, except now I'm 51, and don't know how to "start over". Annette made me a completely different person. I was able to move out of state with confidence, manage retail stores, and be the best I could be, because I had her. Now, I'm in limbo- I have no direction or purpose. I have no one to talk to about about any of this (other than here). I have a school friend that I reconnected with after moving back, but he just can't understand and only wants to talk about superficial things. My family will not talk about my feelings at all. The only I person I had that would talk with me about Annette was her father, who still lived here with his second wife and step family. It was so nice to be able to go out to breakfast with him and have a nice conversation where I felt that someone was actually listening to me and cared about what I was saying, rather than me just being a burden or a problem that nobody wants to deal with. He actually showed me understanding and I felt at peace with him, calm. He passed a little over two weeks ago from COVID. I know exactly what its like to not matter to anyone now. I've met some very nice people here on the Forum, and I know that they care and I am so grateful for their kindness and for them listening, but its not the same as having someone in the "real world". There, I feel pretty alone. But, I appreciate it here so much and I am glad that I found the Forum. James