V. R.

Happy birthday to you, Kay. ❤️🥳

Welcome back dear Marg, sorry to hear about your sorrows. Hope all works out for your sister.

Hi @FreebirdNY1958, I haven't greeted you yet, so I just wanted to say how much I feel for you. I know it's particularly difficult when anniversaries and special occasions arrive. August was painful for me, both our birthdays and wedding anniversary. Next month will mark two years since the one and only love of my life was suddenly torn away from me. Although it feels like yesterday, as my mind is lost in time, for me every day is that day, I'm not moving forward at all. I relive those moments constantly and everything we did that morning, afternoon, what we had for lunch, what we were wearing, what the weather was like, what my son and daughter were doing, what we had done during the previous days, where we had been. Those images are so vivid in my mind, I can visualise them so well that they overshadow everything that's going around me now, making this life I have now seem unreal, as if I'm actually dead too, and I'm just hovering in this thick fog, wandering around like a non-person (can't find a better word!). For example, I may be having a conversation with someone, when suddenly my mind just drifts away, lose concentration, start thinking about my husband, no longer listening or understanding what that person is saying to me. Simply because every single thing is a trigger. Even if it's something silly like my mum going on about what she's preparing for her Sunday lunch. I immediately fall into a depressive state and think about those special dishes I cooked that my husband loved and that I haven't been able to do anymore. I can't. It isn't fair that he can't be here to join us. Can't watch the news anymore, too many triggers, we would usually comment together, have to avoid certain places and especially certain shops. The only solace I have is pouring my heart out to you all here, reading your stories, and knowing you are the only ones who can understand and empathize. I relate to all of you, sharing our thoughts helps me get by and keeps my sanity at bay.

I understand what you mean, Chocolate. I know why I'm suffering from inhibited grief, it was all so sudden and unexpected and we were all present at the time, I can't stop blaming myself that perhaps I could have done more, but perhaps not. Seemed like a bad case of indigestion😢. Anyway, just to answer your question in a previous post, my kids are 24 and 26.

All such beautiful stories, I realise that the 'meeting by chance' factor is very common. I met my soulmate after I'd been living in Italy for just over a year. As I've already told some of you, I was actually born and raised in London, Italian parents who emigrated there in the 60s. I had always had a strong desire to live in Italy though, so when at 26 yrs old I grew bored of my office job,bored of London life, I just left, did an English Teaching course and moved here to my grandma's house, leaving mum and dad behind! Then I moved to an apartment in town, sharing with other girls my age and older, who were either students or working. One evening one of my flatmates invited me to have a night out with her with a couple of male friends of hers. I said OK, a bit reluctantly, as I had recently come out of a bad relationship. Anyway, we waited for them to come and pick us up by car, but the appointment time went by and they didn't show up. We thought oh well, let's go out anyway, just us two. As we were going down the stairs, my flatmate suddenly pointed out at the glass door: "oh, look, they're outside waiting for us!". We later discovered that our intercom wasn't working! They had been there for ages, waiting for us to answer, but we couldn't hear anything. We presented ourselves and I noticed that one of them was absolutely gorgeous. Later, I noticed what a sexy voice he had. Throughout the evening I realized he was the type that all the girls were after, he probably had girlfriends all over the place, and couldn't possibly spare a glance at me. We invited them to dinner a few days later, and that's when it all happened. Me and him ended up being teased by the other two, saying that they could see there was something going on between us, we all started behaving like teenagers, giggling and joking,although I was 27 and my husband was 31. So to 'please' the other two who were teasing, we looked at each other in a special, particular way that I still have embedded in my mind today, he led me to the kitchen, closed the door and we had our first kiss. That was the start, and nine months later we were married and expecting our first child. There! I know, a whirlwind romance. Have to stop now, tears are looming.

Yes, that's just the way it is. I've just read the whole article and it has been an eye opener for me. Very helpful,thank you. I see myself going through this turmoil, I relate to everything in the article. Sharing with you all here is also helping me along, knowing I'm not alone, we all understand and feel for each other. That empathy we cannot find with others who haven't experienced the same loss.

Buongiorno Roxi. You're probably one of the only members in the same time zone as me (apart from @scba), so I'll say good morning to you, as I happen to be online too. Our other dear friends are probably sleeping or about to turn in for the night. I had a look in the site about how to delete posts but sorry, I didn't find anything. I'm sure someone will be able to inform you. Buona giornata. Enza.

I have the same genes😕.

@Boho-Soul, I am so relieved for you that you have finally received what you've been waiting for, for way too long. I admire your courage and perseverance (Kayc's perfect word), you deserve to have a clearer picture now of how and why you lost your beloved, although I can imagine how hurtful for you it must have been reading through that report. Thank you also for your kind words in the other thread "Angels calling". I think one of the factors that are unconsciously 'stopping' me from grieving in a sane way, and driving me mad, is that I'm left with no explanation. Could I have done more? What if? Should have.. (you know, the usual torture thoughts). People may think does it matter? Yes, for me it does, I can't help it, it's the way I am. I try not to be like this. So many heart attacks occur in this day and age and so many survive, why not him? He had never had any health problems, the only consolation I try and talk myself into, is that he had only ever had one ECG done in his life, nearly twenty years ago, so perhaps there was an underlying heart disorder that we didn't know about and so just like a time bomb, was waiting to explode? Hoping you will now finally find more peace and serenity in your life.

Welcome back dear Marty. We are so glad to hear from you and that you are safe and sound. I hope your home didn't suffer too much damage and that all your relatives and friends are well too. Best wishes. Enza ❤️

I'll have to ask my daughter to try and get the Twin Peaks film on streaming. She's the one who downloads all these TV series for me to watch when I'm alone in the evenings, I understand your mother, not that easy to do. Our favourite one that I watched with my husband during the first years of our marriage was "X files", although the new episodes and films were a bit disappointing. I used to be a TV addict when I lived in London, didn't go out much, only at weekends, but not always, and I used my video recorder a lot, recording films that were showing on a different channel while I was watching something else on another channel,or because I was at work or out, putting the timer on.

P. S. I don't know where those numbers "3.30" came from. Just typing errors, I suppose. Not easy on a mobile, keyboard too small.

, 3:30 Yes, weekends are the worst. I know what you mean about "Dancing with the stars". We have the Italian equivalent here but not one member of my family has ever been interested in watching it, including me, we always change channel when it comes on. l've started watching the TV series "Lost", doesn't seem too bad. I relate to the situation of survivors being on a desert island, that's how I feel sometimes. A sudden, unexpected change of life that I have not asked for, not chosen. Wandering around like a zombie, not being part of the real world anymore. Why does everything look different now? All that was familiar to me has now become unfamiliar, places, people (apart from family, of course), as if I'm an outsider, don’t fit in, can't explain it really. Talking about TV series, Twin Peaks was very unusual, never seen anything like it but I must give credit to the screenwriters who had a very bizarre imagination. They did a great job. Tried watching Season 3 but had to give up after a couple of episodes, just too strange, their imagination got a bit out of hand!

Oh what a powerful song. I have to be honest with you, I couldn't listen to it right to the end, just too heartwrenching. I still end up suppressing my grief when a trigger suddenly comes along, like this song. I 'run away', I realise I'm still going through denial, not wanting to accept and acknowledge my loss.

My answer is no. This has never crossed my mind really, that I may lose my connection if I let go of my aches and pains. I would say yes to the thread title question, though. Perhaps I do feel him closer when I have one of my intense grief breakdowns (that's what I call them). The fact is that I am still in the same situation I was the day I lost him twenty two and a half months ago, if not worse. I am constantly in pain for my soulmate, he is constantly on my mind, wherever I am, whatever I do, he is still a part of me, will always be. I still feel like a half person, still seems so unreal, still can't believe he won't be coming back to me. So unexpected and sudden, so soon. Not one day has passed when I haven't cried, only when I'm alone though, especially while driving. I have always avoided letting my two children see me crying, it would just upset them even more. Just this morning I nearly burst into tears when I went to the supermarket, I thought of running out again but luckily I managed to gain control of myself. Some days I just can't bear it, I find myself 'looking for' him, calling out to him, asking where he is. I may have moments of solace every now and then when I manage to smile and participate in a lively cheerful discussion, without feeling depressed, but even those moments are very feeble , they don't last long and they very quickly become over-shadowed by my pain.

Yes, in fact I read her post in the "Latest news" section. I've been watching CNN and I understand that the hurricane is about to reach the west coast of Florida. I hope she is OK, I've sent her a message on her profile page. We are all thinking of her and wishing her well.

I've had a few dreams about my husband. Once he had come back telling me that it had all been a big mistake, he hadn't really gone. Then he said how sorry he was for having caused so much heartache for me, for nothing, I then remember we hugged tightly relieved that he was really still alive. Another time I had one of those dreams that I call 'awake dreams'. It was morning and I had just woken up, I'm sure of this as I could see the daylight. Then suddenly I saw him next to me on the bed, I was getting up and he was just looking at me, not saying anything. Then I went towards the door as I wanted to call my children to come and see. At that moment he appeared again outside the door, again not saying a word. Then I woke up. I also dreamed of him last night but don't remember what happened.

Wonderful and beautifully sung. I'm watching this video staring at my husband's guitar in my lounge, trying to stop myself from breaking down. He would have loved this one, I'm sure.

Thank you @MartyT. ❤️

Thank you, thank you so much for these wonderful meaningful songs. Teary-eyed all the way through as I was listening and following lyrics. I am going to try playing and singing them on the piano, that's one of my daily routines for releasing my sorrow and heartache. Music really does help my sanity. I recently discovered another one, by Faith Hill: "You're still here", but unfortunately I haven't mastered how to post videos from YouTube yet.

I do that too, apart from a couple of photos l've placed in my bedroom and my childrens' rooms, I just don't understand why I can't look at them,. I just break down and start screaming. I often go through my photo gallery on my mobile, intending to stop at my husbands' ones and have a good look, but then I suddenly realise I cannot do it! ("è più forte di me" , as we say here, which translated means something like: "I can't help it", or "an uncontrollable reaction"? It's probably due to the simple fact that I won't accept that he's gone.

I've never considered joining Facebook, it just doesn't appeal to me at all. I'm happy conversing with all of you here on this site, I was always a bit of a 'loner' when I was a teenager/twenties, I was the type that felt uncomfortable being part of a group of friends, I always ended up hardly ever talking, just listening and nodding my head. I always just had one or two good friends and then when I met my husband, he miraculously helped me gain confidence in myself. Like I've said before, we were everything to each other, didn't really need other friends, we were a team,total togetherness. I just feel now that this better part of me has gone with him and now I'm crumbling, not knowing who I am anymore.

No, sorry, you're wrong! . Just like our friends have just said, you may think that, we don't. Even by saying these words (that we don't agree with) , it shows you are a decent person unafraid to show your feelings and opinions, this gives you credit. I wouldn't have replied to your posts if I thought you were a' jerk'. 😏

Hello Kevin, we haven't actually 'talked' before, but I also want to wish you joy and happiness with your new wife.

OH no, not again! . So sorry, it must be terrible putting up with this. We usually have fires all around our mountains and hillsides in Summer, (one year, one of our old huts burned down, there was nothing in it, luckily) but they're not as devastating and large-scale as yours, and this year we've had none at all, due to constant rainfall,the only advantage I suppose.