V. R.

Thank you @kayc, and may I say "well done" to you for keeping up with your special diet, you have great will-power. Your words "No man is an island" should be an inspiration for us all.

Hi Boho-Soul, we haven't 'spoken' for a while. It's nice to hear from you again. I haven't been on here much lately. This long, too long festive period has completely shut me down. It's amazing how your words resonate with me so much. I feel as if someone else has been living in my place,these past two years,instead of me, and I am not really here, only my body is. I'm just watching the world go by as a mere spectator and not taking part. As if I'm just lost in time, or in a trance, there aren't really any appropriate words to describe this feeling. I lost my husband six weeks before the end of 2020, similar to your three weeks. I don't even remember going through last Christmas/New Year and the year before that, as if they never happened. Everything that's been going on in the world, in our lives since that day doesn't seem real. My daughter and I were having a discussion about this 'lost concept of time' yesterday,she's having this problem too. I like the way you reserve a special word for each New Year, 'Connections' is a great choice, I have also abandoned all human connection, but I think I need to connect with myself first. Perhaps this could be my NY resolution. Thanks for being an 'eye opener'. Wishing you and everyone here a much more peaceful, stronger, fulfilling new year.

It's Christmas morning here, 7.30am. Thinking of you all, you have all shown great support and have given me strength, ever since I joined a year ago, helping me along this struggling life I hadn't asked for. Thank you for being here and may these days be filled with peace and love, surrounded by your families and friends. Enza.

Be careful Margm, while driving. Wishing you a peaceful Christmas with all your family.

Gwen, I understand how sad it must be for you to let your dog go, but it seems she is living in a comfortable, loving home, so I'm sure she will be dearly cared for. It would be difficult for you to handle looking after a dog or even a cat (like Kayc rightly says) all on your own, as judging by what you say, you can't rely on your friend caregiver.

Kayc, I'm so sorry you're going through all this pain and discomfort. First your hand burns and now this tongue inflammation. That's all you need! Disinfectant mouth washes work wonders, but there are so many causes for this condition. A good medical consultation will tell you if it's bacterial or else, prescribing you the correct treatment. I hope you get through all this soon.

We used to put up outdoor lights when the kids were younger. Now we haven't even put the tree up indoors anymore, for the past two years. I don't even mention it to my children (who are now 24 and 26) and they don't either. We don't need words, we understand each other, that we don't wish to see any decorations, not yet, anyway. Still not up to it. Gwen, I'm like you, avoiding all the Christmassy films. I started watching the TV series "This is US" on Prime, seemed very good, but I have to leave it now, getting too sad, I started breaking down, my daughter had warned me against watching it. Too many similarities with what's happened to us. 😰

I'm beginning to feel like Scrooge, completely disconnected and 'feelingless' with regards to this long festivity period that seems never-ending. I only feel at ease when I'm in my home, in my 'safety shelter', away from all that hustle and bustle. I avoid turning on the TV, all those Christmassy ads and the news going on about holidays, ecc. My children and I have finally agreed this year to spend Christmas Day with my FIL and his wife, but like he says (he has lost both his sons, prematurely), just to be together, for comfort, nothing to celebrate.

P. S. Sorry, I made a typing error, my fingers 'thumbling' on my small mobile phone screen. I meant to write "Miles Davis", of course, not Mike's. 😯

Marg, Dee, Karen, I've just woken up, yet again at 5.30am and have been reading your very sweet posts. So touching, hearing about the time you spent together with your soulmates, this time of year is so difficult for all of us. I must admit I 'chuckled' when I read about the socks and underwear dilemma. In a way, I think they will always remain good useful presents, of course for close family members only. However, there must be a mysterious gravitational space somewhere on our planet which literally swallows up our socks and we end up with "odd socks" lying around, looking for their other half. Oops, I've just made another analogy of how I feel, without meaning to. An 'odd sock'. P. S. Marg, I can understand about Elvis being your heartthrob. Have you seen the new film about his life? I loved it, especially for the music and seeing one of my favourite actors Tom Hanks. My daughter and I have been watching all the biographical films of music stars from that period: Ray Charles, Johnny Cash, Chuck Berry, Mike's Davis, and others. Sadly, nowadays, we rarely see talents like that. My husband and I have always shared a passion for 50s/60s music, 'playing around' on our piano and singing together. I won't be singing John Lennon's Christmas hit anymore, that's for sure😥. Enza.

Yes, Gwen, this festive season is proving extremely hard to get through, that's probably why I've been on standby mode recently, not really saying much on the site. Not having many positive thoughts in my mind, I don't wish to sadden everyone even more than they already are. Missing those rituals we all used to share with our soulmates is so hurtful, I haven't put the tree up ever since I lost my beloved, no special dishes being cooked, nothing. can't wait till it's all over. Gwen, I do hope you're able to get some efficient home-care once and for all, you sound like you're going through such a hard time, my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry about your hand Kay, can imagine the pain you are going through, you say you have skin cancer too? I'm sure the right therapy will work efficiently and everything will be back to normal. Hugs to you all.

Happy belated birthday dear Gwen. I'm so sorry about your parakeet. You're right about needing to get another companion, the one left behind will be so lonely otherwise. I don't want to scare you but I remember when my daughter was a little girl she had two hamsters, male and female. Then when one died, the other died soon after. 😢

I hate that feeling. 😢 I wish the ground would just "open up and swallow me up" at times,when I'm around other people, feeling odd and out of place.

Lately, I feel like I've gone back to "square one", worse than ever. Not that I had moved forward much anyway. Perhaps it's because two days ago marked 2 years since I lost the love of my life, although it still seems like yesterday. I think it will always seem like yesterday, even in twenty years' time, time doesn't exit in this case. The cold rainy weather, shops filled with Christmas decorations / "Panettone" cakes, doesn't help much either. I hate going to the supermarket without my husband but these days it has become pure torture! I usually go with my mother and I'm always in a rush, hurrying to buy the basic necessities, trying not to look at those festive aisles,cant wait to get back home to my safety/comfort nest.

I agree Gwen, one of the best series I've ever seen. It's more about family drama, rather than mafia stories.

I wonder if it's true that our loved ones somehow leave us just at that particular moment when we are not present, to protect us from the excruciating emotional pain of 'seeing' them go away forever? It was a Sunday afternoon, nearly two years ago (15th Nov), my children and I were all present when my darling husband started having stomach pains, mistaking it for bad indigestion. He went into the bathroom, after a while we became worried as he was taking a long time, we heard the tap running so we thought he was just having a wash, despite this, we decided to open the door to check on him but found a scene that is still fixed in my mind, he was gone. I think I've already posted about how my daughter tried cpr, paramedics spending over half an hour trying to revive him. Keep reliving all this every single day. These next few days here are going to be so difficult to get through. Living in a country where the Catholic religion prevails, we have All Saints' Day (national holiday) and All Souls' Day to commemorate the losses of loved ones, following the ritual of visiting cemeteries, special commemorative masses, and so on. I just can't wait till it's all over, but then it will just get worse, what with the anniversary and then Christmas coming up. I was in a hardware store yesterday and I had to rush past a corridor full of Christmas decorations, practically with my eyes closed!

I wouldn't say I'm rebuilding my life, as I already built it with my husband. I am trying to continue to live my life with my husband, but in a different way. He will always be with me, in mind and heart, just not physically.

You're so right Gwen, I really feel for you. You just don't deserve this, I hope you manage to get a good home-carer soon. Life would definitely be much easier for you if you had a reliable, professional carer by your side.

So sorry Kay, is it ever going to end? 😒 Wishing you all the very best.

Hi, I've just checked in here as I do every morning when I get up and I saw your new post. I am so sorry about this sad news, we will be thinking of you here, I'm also glad to hear you have reconciliated with your parents, this has happened to me too and I'm also an only child. We are always here when you want to share your thoughts and feelings. Take care.

Dear Marg, on reading these words I got goose bumps and teary-eyed. Now THAT is a perfect example of a beautiful bond that you can only have with your soulmate. ❤️ Enza

Oh how your words resonate, Boho. Like we say here: "Ti dò la mano", meaning "I'll shake your hand" for this statement, as I agree totally. That is the hardest part of this loneliness, something I'll never have again. I don't want to burden my children, they have their own lives, they've already suffered enough, I can't share my inner thoughts, worries, fears with them, it wouldn't be fair. They have a right to enjoy their lives, like we all did (I wish to think this is the case for everyone here) when we were in our 20s. Every day, from the moment I get up to the moment I go to sleep, I don't know how many times I say in my mind: "my husband would know what to do now, he would surely advise me in the correct way, we would discuss this and that and come to a conclusion together, or even just unimportant events that I would tell him about, make comments about, and so on. I still tell him all these things but I get no feedback, I imagine us conversing and I force myself to think what he would be saying. I'd have to write a book to express everything that goes through my mind but I've never been good at finding the right words. On the contrary, my beloved husband excelled in this. We knew each other inside out, knew what the other was thinking, what we were about to say, complemented each other, he was the extrovert and I the introvert. He helped me come out of my absurd timidness, I gained more confidence, believing in myself, became more courageous and outgoing, in fact, it's thanks to the way I have changed (for the better) spending my life with him, that I am able to share my thoughts here with you all.

Beautiful colors @Boho-Soul, my favourite season, Autumn. Looks like you live in a beautiful place. Having lived in the countryside for over 27 years now, I've grown to love all the wonderful colors surrounding our home, especially in this season. However, it's also a sad time for me now, remembering how my husband and I used to spend sunny, warm afternoons roaming through the woods, looking for chestnuts and mushrooms. Our olive harvest starts at this time of year too (this year not a good one, too much rain!), and oh so many memories. We'd spend our days picking our olives, hard work, but great satisfaction, stopping for lunch, eating our sandwiches I'd prepared, enjoying that lovely Autumn sunshine. @kayc, so sorry for that smoky air you're experiencing, especially because it sounds like you also live in beautiful pure natural surroundings. To be spoiled by all those fires must be so heartbreaking.

Happy birthday to your Kodie, too. ❤️🦴

I agree that there is no separation. I talk to him all the time too, he will always be a part of me. We became the way we were because of our twenty five years spent together, we are a fusion, how can I suddenly change that? I would have to have a brain transplant! I couldn't bear to leave this house where we've lived since we married, where our children have grown up, where he spent hours, weeks, months and years doing home improvements, turning it into the most comfortable home a family would ever desire. He is this house and this land. I'll hold on to at least that part of him. My two grownup children feel the same but obviously when they're older they may move out for work necessities (no job opportunities down here!). I feel my husband here, he is in the air I breathe, he is everywhere, however I do understand other points of view, we all react in different ways. It has taken me almost two years to finally decide to sell his car, it felt like losing him even more.