V. R.

My sleep patterns have changed drastically, too. I only get a few hours' sleep, I've suddenly become an early bird, often up at 5 or 6am. This morning is unusually late, up at 7.30. I spend my days waiting for the sun to go down (especially now we're having frying hot temperatures) just to get another day over and done with. Wishing you all a goodnight.

I have had dreams about my beloved, but I only remember a couple of them,both very strange. A few nights ago I dreamed that he had come back and I was telling him how I had been looking after his car and that I had washed it twice. Can't remember what happened after but I'm sure the dream continued. Another time I dreamed that he had suddenly reappeared with a big smile on his face, saying that it was all a big mistake, and that he hadn't gone, after all! We then hugged each other tightly, crying, and he was sorry that he had caused us so much pain for nothing. I experienced strange behaviour on my mobile phone the morning after my husband's funeral. I was just about to switch it on, when suddenly it just switched itself on without me even touching it. Then once, while I was in my laundry room loading the washing machine, I suddenly broke down, sobbing, screaming, having one of my "grief fits", crying out to my husband: "Where are you?". I looked up and the light bulb flickered, I asked again, and yet again another flicker. I stopped and waited a while, it didn't flicker anymore. I wonder...... I've always been skeptical about spiritualism but I don't really know now. I would love to believe that our soulmates are here with us sending us signs, who knows,but even as I say this, I find it hard to believe.

Usually this time of year our maximum temperature is about 35 centigrade (95 fahrenheit, I believe). We use centigrades for measuring temperatures, just like we use the metric system for altitudes, heights, lengths, etc,, instead of feet. Unfortunately, we do always get a few weeks of extremely high temps (40-45 c) which I think is 104-113 F, especially in August,and we're going through that now. I'm sitting at my electric piano in my attic with the a/c on, trying to play, but I keep stopping and looking at my husband's photo sitting beside me, asking him: "why aren't you here sitting next to me, where you always used to ?"

Gwen, I seem to understand that you will be finally going back home soon. I do hope you will get all the help you need. Wishing you strength, we're having a terrible heatwave here too, temperatures in 100s.🥺

Yes, that's exactly it,how I understand you. In fact, I don't know who I am anymore, I can't possibly go back to being the person I was before we married, I was nearly thirty years younger than. My kids are now nearly the same age I was when I first met my beautiful husband. He really was beautiful when we met, the most charming, handsome man I'd ever met with such gentlemanly manners, I just couldn't believe he was real, dressed very well too. I felt a bit too 'simple' for his liking, but I was wrong. All the girls were after him, he had had many past broken relationships, unlike me, and he said that in me, he'd finally found a 'natural' down-to-earth person, we really did 'click' soon, we were at the same stage in our lives,where we just wanted to settle down finally and start a family. We had both started thinking about the sad possibility of perhaps ending up being single forever. I remember one episode when we'd just met, (and he would always remind me of this, teasingly, lovingly) we said goodbye and he added: "OK, see you then". I was the timid, shy type at the time, but something in him just made me feel so much at ease and comfortable, as if we'd known each other for years, and to my surprise, I asked him: "Well, how can I see you without even a phone number?". He smiled his wonderful smile I now always have in my mind, and handed me his business card, which also had his private home address, phone number and mobile. I thought "Wow", I thought he had just said those words, just to be polite (I had no confidence in myself at the time). I still treasure that card in my wallet, he loved that I still carried it around with me, i always will. I just miss him so much more each and every single day of my life, his dynamic vivacity gave our house so much happiness, he was always suggesting to go places, do things, buy new furniture, clothes, always paid so much attention to dressing well. He loved variety, couldn't keep still, always had to have something to keep him occupied, the most intelligent person I've ever met. He helped me come out of my shell, he believed in me. Now, I feel so guilty that I can't be or do all this for my two grownup kids, thankfully they're old enough to organise their own social lives.

I understand perfectly and agree with you that being part of this forum is important to help us heal and release all that pain and anguish which we carry inside us. I've also experienced the sudden disappearance of friends and relatives, unkept promises to visit, phonecalls stopping and simply nobody asking anymore. Nobody understands or cares, they're just all busy getting on with their lives. Most of the people my age still have their soulmates. What do they know? How can they possibly 'get it'?. Then again, I often feel I don't want to see or talk to anyone anyway. Luckily, we live in the country in a big house, surrounded by a few acres of property, so apart from now that we're having over 100F temperatures, I can usually spend time outside, doing odd jobs to keep my mind occupied. When I tell my mother that I only force myself to go into town for shopping (when it's absolutely necessary, about once a week) or for doing tedious errands, she just says: 'but you can't keep doing this to yourself'. I'm NOT doing this to myself. It's just happened, I didn't ask for this. I get so irritated that I just change the subject. I can't believe that thanks to Internet I can speak to all my new friends here, thousands of miles away, on the other side of the world, and receive the understanding I need, hoping to help others too (although usually I sound so dreary😕, apologize for this). Dear Sad_Widower, I know birthdays and anniversaries are so hard to get through, that story about the candle is so touching. You say you are a believer so I'm sure your beloved wife is looking down at you today and smiling. Next month will be our anniversary and both our birthdays, I already know that not a single person will remember, and if I mention anything they will just say: "oh, really?". Or perhaps someone may remember, but not say anything so as not to upset me. I probably give the impression that I don't want them to talk about my darling husband, because I would just uncontrollably break down. It's partly true, on the other hand I get upset even if they don't say anything, it's a bit of a "catch 22" situation, a no- through road. Both ways it's hurtful. I must be so difficult to deal with. hate it when I just end up having trivial conversations about this and that, I think to myself: "what am I doing? How can we just chat like this about nonsense, we should just talk about my C all the time, and nothing else, he's still here for me, always will be, I have to believe that, otherwise I'll go mad. Ive never used my husband's name here, just because I know that he always used nicknames when talking on forums in internet, so to honour his wishes, I feel I need to do the same.

This all resonates perfectly with me. I don't know how many times I've asked myself that question: "Who am I, now?" I feel like I'm a stranger to myself, if that makes any sense. I feel that, my kids haven't just suddenly lost their dad at only 57 yrs old, but they don't have the same mum anymore. How can I ever be who I was before? Reading yours and other recent posts in this thread, has really saddened me thinking how hard it must have been caring for your loved ones, seeing them suffering like that. My husband, even though he was in the medical profession, never bothered about getting health checks for himself, as they say "doctors make the worst patients". He was also the type who always said "if you're feeling OK, no pain or anything, there's no need." He was a blood analyst and in his whole career he'd only taken a blood-test himself once, can you believe that? I just can't come to terms with how he could just suddenly have a massive heart attack, which he thought was just bad indigestion, no previous warning signs, always fit and healthy, and in a matter of minutes he's gone, just like that, I know I'm being silly, of course, this can happen and heart disease/sudden heart attacks does still remain at the top of the list of major causes of death. So I wonder, does this mean, my beloved soulmate could have had an underlying heart disfunction that we didn't know about because he hadn't had a checkup for years? He was a smoker too, but so many smokers live 100 years. 😔Why was my darling taken away so soon? Well, I just wanted to share this here, I don't talk to anyone about how I am, don't want to upset my kids, they have to get on with their lives. My parents don't understand, how can they? Sending you all strength and comfort, thank you for being here.

Thank you for this. I agree exactly with everything she said. So many things she talked about enlightened my mind, especially "we don't move on, we move forward with him". Also, the fact that grief is chronic, it doesn't just go away, and it's so true that you "don't get it until you get it", when it happens to you personally.

Jathas, I'm so sorry for your loss, your sad story moved me so much, and at such a young age too. Like our other friends have said here, you have come to the right place, we will listen to you and relate and I can honestly say that I have found comfort sharing my thoughts and feelings with everyone. We all relate and can understand the pain each of us is going through. My beautiful husband suddenly left this world from a heart attack at 57,we'd been married 25 years, had only celebrated our silver wedding anniversary a few months back. He was fit and healthy, no warning signs, my two grownup kids were also there when it happened, I wish they hadn't seen that scene of their dad lying there, the ambulance arrived quickly but there was nothing they could do. I understand perfectly that feeling of protection you had with our soulmate, I get by now still feeling around me, inside me, that protection, that special emotional bond we had together, which helps me get through my day. I know you are now living in shock and disbelief, you can pour your heart out here whenever you like, say whatever is going through your mind, you will be understood. Sending you a warm hug.

I couldn't have said it better. That is exactly it! I agree with BoHo, this is a fantastic new thread, I have always been the reserved type but I feel comfortable talking to you all here. I will have to gather my thoughts a little, before I say something, but overall, I want to say that before I met my soulmate (I was 27,never had a 'real' serious boyfriend before), I practically lived my boring life with my eyes closed, and then this prince charming came along and opened my eyes to the world, inspiring me, helping me to finally gain confidence in myself.

It's so sad hearing about how your families have been behaving. I've had my fair share,too, with parents and in laws. But somehow, the opposite has happened to me. When I Iost my beloved husband, I hadn't seen my parents for months and neither my FIL because there had been very bad disagreements with them. Now suddenly, they've all become extra caring and worried about us, I appreciate this but I just feel like screaming out at them: "oh now, you care, what about how you treated us before eh?" It's just that we don't talk about my husband, we just talk about practical stuff, "their" medical problems, the weather, and so on. I'm an only child, my poor husband had another brother but he also died at 45 over ten yrs ago, so I have nobody of my "Generation X ' (like you say BoHo Soul), to talk to. My two grownup kids do their best to not leave me alone for too long during the day and evenings, but they do have their own social lives and I don't want to be a burden for them. My daughter kindly suggested to go with her, just the two of us, to an open-air concert at the end of the month (two of mine and my husband's favourite solo artists), but I said I don't know if I feel up to it. I can just imagine myself crying my eyes out throughout the whole evening. The following month is going to be heartbreaking for me, our wedding anniversary and both our birthdays. Sending hugs to you all.

Oh Gwen, the way you wrote this made me giggle and cry at the same time, then anger came upon me, thinking if I were in your shoes, I would have 'imagined' just giving that staff member a good old slap on the face, for being so heartless😠

Beautifully said, Boho Soul, I couldn’t have said it better. My husband was such a good talker, could have a conversation with him about every single topic in the world, unlike me. I used to jokingly call him my walking encyclopedia. I do have two grownup kids who both luckily take after their father in this sense,but you know how it is, with the age gap difference, it's just not the same, obviously, not having your soulmate to discuss things with. I miss that so much. Everyday, there is always something that happens (even if it's just some news on TV), that makes me sadly think: Oh, me and my beloved would be talking about this now.. Kayc, like you rightly say, so much to say, nobody to say it to.

Sad_Widower, I'm sorry to have to say to you that recently , I've been feeling worse, too. For me, 20 months have passed, similar to you, so perhaps the answer to your question: "Is it normal?" , is "yes". I have just come back indoors, after having a good cry outside in our backyard, where my husband and I often sat in these hot summer evenings, chatting and drinking a glass of wine or two together. I'm just missing him so much, beyond words. I understand you about how friends have suddenly become strangers, don't call anymore. I've also had this experience, I have been completely alienated, not even a phone call from his ex work colleagues, nothing. How can they be so cruel? I think they just feel awkward and embarrassed and don't know what to say, but it's hurtful. I feel the same, it's comforting to be able to pour my heart out here with you all, we all relate and understand each other, you have cone to the right place here.

I understand you Gwen, I spend all my evenings watching films and TV series on Amazon Prime, this provides me with a great escape from my thoughts, keeps my mind off my sad reality for a couple of hours, before I venture off to bed, needing to take anxiety med if I want to manage a few hours' sleep. It's probably late evening where you are now, it's early morning here, been up since 6am,as usual. Sleep well.

I have mixed feelings about this. I've always been skeptical but recently I did have a significant experience. I was in the laundry room, loading my washing machine when I suddenly had one of my 'grief fits/attacks'. I broke down, crying out at my husband: 'Where are you? Where are you? ". I looked up and the light bulb flickered, I cried out again and another flicker. I stopped for a while to see if it was just a defect, and it stopped flickering. Maybe just a coincidence, I don't know. At times, I think to myself there is nothingness when you die, just don't exist anymore, but on the other hand, I think:" But you can't just disappear into thin air, you were here, a real person, I am what I am, where I am, thanks to you, my children are here thanks to you, this house exists thanks to you, you must be somewhere out there, in some form or other. I dream about him at times, I think I already talked about the dream where he'd come back, saying it was all a big mistake, hugging each other and crying, him saying so sorry he had caused such pain and suffering for nothing. This is because I often spend my time 'daydreaming' this sort of situation. Lately, I'm really having a tough time, coming to the realisation that this is what the rest of my life will be like, this torture and torment of not understanding "Why?", I've come to the conclusion that to get through this, I have two choices to maintain my sanity as much as possible. 1. I will have to pretend I'm someone else, that person I was before has gone, because that person cannot exist without my other half. 2. I will imagine this is all a fake, and that my beloved soulmate is actually still here, we just can't see him, for some reason he has become invisible. I know, I've just made two absolutely ridiculous statements, I just wanted to share this with you here, can't say this to my family, it would upset my kids too much, and others would just say the usual 'life goes on' and 'be strong'. Ok, well I thought I was strong, I'm not. In conclusion, in my own way, I do always feel my beloved all around me, I always will.

I've kept all my husband's clothes and other personal belongings. It's been almost 20 months but still feels like yesterday, I just cannot part with anything that was his. I've even bought a set of garment bags to protect all his special jackets and coats, and they will always stay in his side of the wardrobe, where they always have been. I've placed all his shoes neatly in their boxes, his toolshed is the way he left it, everything is really.

Hello Sad_Widower, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved wife and at such a young age too. I know exactly how you're feeling, it's been almost 20 months for me since I lost my darling husband unexpectedly, suddenly to a cardiac arrest, he was only 57. I never thought in a million years that I would be widowed at 53, we were supposed to grow old together.Thankfully I also have two grown-up children living with me (can understand how it must hurt you that you've lost your wife at the same time that your kids have left home), but my son and daughter obviously have their own lives to get on with. I don't want to be an emotional burden to them. I feel guilty at times because I'm not the same mother I was for them before, always brooding, bad tempered and lost in thoughts, no enthusiasm, lethargic, and so on. How can I be myself, if my other half has gone? There are really know words to describe the pain we go through when losing a soulmate, it's impossible to confide in friends who haven't gone through the same grief, they just don't understand, feel awkward and end up just not bothering to ask anymore. We all relate to you here, I'm glad I found this site, even if I go through periods when I just don't feel like talking. It's a safe comforting place to share thoughts and feelings, it's reassuring knowing that everyone understands, being in the same situation. Take care.

Dear Gwen, I'm so sorry you're still going through such a rough time. I check in every morning, hoping to see some good news on your part, I'm sure your luck will turn your way soon and we will all be commenting: "oh Gwen, so glad for you". Take care, and I know it doesn't sound too comforting, but you have to be strong in your mind and in your heart, if you're not physically strong yet. This will get you through. Take care and have a good night's sleep.

I'm sorry you've been feeling like this. I understand what you mean about suddenly losing these friends when they were the only people you had to talk to. Just like you, at the moment, I am closer to my FIL than I am to my own parents. They just don't understand what I'm going through, but he has lost both his sons now, so prematurely. Also because, apart from my children, he is the closest blood relation of my husband's that I have now. I also look forward to my phone calls from my husband's aunt, every now and then. Do you believe me if I tell you nobody has bothered to come and visit me since I lost my beloved, a year and a half ago? First it was the pandemic excuse, (home visits were only banned for a few months, though,) then time passed and they just forgot. Probably thinking: 'oh, well, it's too late now'. Just the odd phone call (becoming rarer), promises to visit that never materialize, thankfully, my two grownup kids live with me, they do keep me sane, I feel guilty though when they see me always brooding, lost in thoughts, I'm not the same person anymore, have become less tolerant,never a smile on my face, no enthusiasm. I go to my parents' house about once a week, my FIL and his wife come round often. In a similar way to you, my husband and I were not just a couple, we were best friends too, didn't need anyone else. I've always been timid and reserved anyway, perhaps giving the wrong impression to others that I just wanted to be left alone. Now, I've actually gone into isolation intentionally, I'm just comfortable to stay in my home all day, our nest that we created together, just go into town for shopping and other necessary errands about once a week. Luckily there is always so much to do on our property to keep my mind occupied and not think too much. It is important to keep busy, I agree with all Boho-Soul's suggestions, you really need to focus on yourself first before being able to let a friend into your life. I don't want to sound 'cliché' but it's true that if you're not content with yourself you can't expect to have a good relationship with others. You are important just like any other human being in this world. We are all here on this site because we have all loved and been loved, given our whole self to our soulmates, just think how many people never get to experience this in a whole lifetime. Even as I say this, I need to convince myself too, that I have to make it, be strong and carry on. Easier said than done, of course,but we'll get there. I love the film Castaway when Chuck is saying how his human instinct was just telling him he had to live, had to do everything he could possibly do to survive and never give up and he made it. In the end, even though he realises he has lost his love forever, his eyes are full of hope wondering 'what the tide would bring in for him tomorrow'.

Gwen, it seems we're in the same boat. Sweltering heatwave over here at the moment, temperatures reached 40 Celsius yesterday (100 fahrenheit), more of it in the coming days, a bit too early, this usually happens late July/August, but in the past, we have had some Summers with three months of these temperatures. I hope you have good air conditioning, with all your discomfort and pain, at least they should be able to let you live in cool surroundings. Just like you Gwen, I manage to scream and cry out, letting myself go, only while I'm driving. I'm alone then and nobody can hear or see me. Keep strong, wishing you all the comfort you deserve. We are all with you.

Hi there, thank you all for your responses. We all have different family situations here, but we do have in common the fact that the special emotional bond we had with our life partners just cannot be replaced. Perfect explanation, Gwen. So true. Of course, that's what loving someone means, isn't it? Dedicating your whole selves to each other, unconditional love, it just happens. Thinking of you, so sorry you're going through this rough time. Keep strong and let your beautiful memories with your hubby help you get through this. Understand how you feel, it isn't easy. I get this feeling when I go into supermarkets and see couples together. I nearly burst out crying once when I overheard one asking the other if they'd run out of carrots and the other said there was only one left. I think I'm going crazy at times. You did the right thing going out with your brother, you should do that more often, I'm sure your beloved wife would want you to. So sorry about your past bad marriages, and just when you finally found happiness with your 'real' soulmate, he was taken away from you. I guess, we all have our sad stories, but our special cherished memories are our 'mental medicine' to help us struggle on. Best regards to you all.

I sometimes feel I'm having an identity crisis. I met my soulmate when I was twenty seven yrs old, just one year older than what my son is now, three years older than my daughter. Considering that I still see them as kids, I think "Gosh!", I've never been a single adult, I went from being a 'girl' (easy life, no responsibilities, nothing to worry about) to a 'woman' when we married. Apart from one year, I had always lived at home with my parents. Now, I seem to be living a life that's not mine, I feel like a stranger to this world, everything is so unfamiliar. Of course, I am still a mother to my two children, a daughter to my parents, but I still feel out of place, awkward and inadequate. As if all that I had become has just been taken away from me, my whole self left this world together with my precious beloved husband.

Kay, my thoughts are with you today. Over here, we celebrate Father's Day on the 19th March (which coincides with Saint Joseph), and now my darling husband, devoted father has missed two of these special days. Scba, good to hear from you again. I haven't been writing much here lately either, it must be Summer blues, too many memories, missing my soulmate more than ever.

Gwen, I don't want to be interfering, I have no medical qualifications, but I think it's outrageous that you were operated on in January and PT was stopped a month later, of course you're still in pain, you're right you shouldn't need painkillers anymore, but you absolutely require daily exercises, after all that's why you went to a rehab. You would have been perfectly capable of taking meds yourself, at home. Do they think you just went there for fun? I'm so sorry for you. A big hug.