suzanne

Wendy My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mother today. I pray for God's healing hand on your mother and to give you the strength you need. I pray for the doctors to have the skill that they will need for her surgery. Let us know. Suzanne

Derek Sorry I never had any children so I can't help you there Will had three but they don't have anything to do with me anymore. I am so sorry you are having such problems with Carson. Does he have a pet? I know you are such a great father and I hope so the counseling will be of help to you both. You have both been through so much. Don't give up. I wish I could help in some way. Everyone here has helped me so much. I am thinking of you both and will say a prayer. Suzanne

Christian You are not worthless and I am sure your grandfather loves you and is proud of you. I know you are totally worn out but try as best as you can. You are a great person and I feel he is proud for you to carry on the family name. Anyone would be proud to have a grandson so loving and caring. You are just so young to carry such a heavy burden but I know you can do it and your grandfather only wants what is best for you. Take care. Suzanne

Maury What happened to you is so tragic. I can understand your anger. You were robbed of so many happy years and dreams together. I can not even imagine the pain you are going through. You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight. This is just such a painful and long journey. I lost my husband March 2nd so I am still so raw and open I'm pretty much too new for any advice. I'm so thankful for the years we did have together but a thousand would not feel like enough. I've had lots of anger as well. I do understand, hang in there. Suzanne

Thank everyone so much. You have me helped me through a difficult night, It's no over but I'm going to bed and maybe try to sleep. The bears I'm not sure about the website. I think Marty may have mentioned it. I typed in memorial bears on google. There is one that you can pick the eye color and even add a music box with a choice of songs. I like the song Close to You that she had on the list. Suzanne

I do need to keep talking. I haven't cried so much in about two weeks. Guess it was time. Someone at work today told me it was best not to bring up lost loved ones, please mention my loss. It is real and it does not go away. She just got married on the 15th and I thought, well you know at somem point in time one of you will have to go through this and you are not going to like it. They are very young and I guess death doesn't seem a possibity right now. It didn't for me. Thank you eveyone for listening to me tonight. I know I am a real downer. Suzanne

Wendy I am thinking about the memorial bears that can be made out of clothing. I would so like a bear to hold made out of one of Will's shirts. I saw someone had posted a website that does this. I thought I would love that. I might could part with one of his shirts for that. I love stuffed animals and Will got me so many over the years, especially teddy bears. I'm trying to calm down but the tears just keep coming. Everyone's support is so much appreciated. Everyone here is a lifeline and I know each of you hurts just as much. Thank you for your support. So nice to have a place to come on nights like this. Suzanne

Karen I have put on a Josh Grobe CD. I know nothing about Skype. I hope they are not anything like the funeral home gave me with the hot line. These were very young people who asked questions and then you could hear them flipping through pages trying to find an answer. I asked, have youm ever been through anything like this? Answer, no. I even asked at one time will you pray with me, answer, we are not allowed to do that and hung up. I'm losing it very quickly tonight. Would you just hang in there with me, grief has a very tight hold on me right now. Suzanne

Karen Thank you for your reply. I guess because I had to put my happy face on at work all day, when it was a bad day anyway, I needed to let some feelings out. I feel like a pressure cooker ready to blow at any moment. Suzanne

I too am having one of those really bad days right now. Nothing in particular, just missing my husband and my dad. It just hurts so bad. I am so blessed to have each of you and I know your pain is just as bad as mine. i guess I'm just falling back, I'm so tired and can't get this blood pressure under control. I just stress and fret and worry so much. Even with the medication I started taking it is 185/120 tonight. Wendy I agree with everyone. Be sure on the clothing that you are ready. I had the retarded citizens contact me to pick up, and I did donate some things but it was things Will hadn't worn or had been there a long time he didn't really like, he was one of those that when I did clean out closets, his remarks were, I might fit into that again, that's my favorite shirt (even though worn out). But each item I picked an item to donate it was, no I have to keep this. Maybe it is just my way of not letting go but is there any way to let go? I love him so much and this is just unbearable. This is one of those nights even faith and God seem so distant. Suzanne

William, Wendy & Karen Thank you for your replys. Yes William it was a unique experience that I will cherish forever. Wendy don't fret because you haven't had one yet, your sense of him is enough. They will each come to each to us in their own special way. We all know that they loved us dearly. No, I don't know any men or groups to help in my remodeling. Guess I will just pray a little more about it and God will send someone my way. Maybe the road has been blocked because it is not time yet to make changes. Suzanne

Karen Maybe you could give me some advice. Will was also in the construction business so he knew everything. I'm clueless. I am trying to have a bathroom remodeled, drywall in it as as well an office and hallway. Painting paneling in a den. Crown molding and baaeboard redone, flooring done and a light fixture replaced instead of a ceiling fan. I contacted a oonstruction company and they said the job was too small, call a handyman. Well that was the one I picked out of the newspaper that forget the painting. Some I have talked to don't return my calls. Do I need to get one perosn for each job? I would prefer one person that could coordinate all of it (without the gouging) but I don't know who to call. Any advice? Suzanne

William I too had the experience of the the bed sinking in as though someone was laying down not once but twice. I know it was Will but like you, I wasn't frightened. It was of great comfort. Prior to that I had what I have learned is called an "out of body experience". Approximately two weeks after Will died I was lying in bed and felt myself leaving my body, I thought in that instant is this what it is like to die. I could actually see my body lying in the bed as though I was floating above it. I only saw his face and he put his hands on each side of my face and kissed me. The bed sinking in followed that at later intervals but I have had no other experiences since then. I was blessed to say goodbye to him, but he couldn't speak to me. I wondered if that was God allowing him to say his goodbye. Wendy On home repairs I have found you might as well count on the price to escalate as soon as they figure out you are a woman on your own. And they figure that out pretty quickly. I had a brake job done that went from $200 to $600 in a matter of hours. He already had my car torn down, it was Saturday afternoon and I had to have my car back before Monday. Then the pressure washing on my house went up $25.00 in a matter of minutes. He just miscalculated. I tried to have some remodeling done, got a price and the night he came over for the check he had forgotten to add the painting in. Another $900.00. That one I passed on after he walked through my house and asked me if I would sell him some of Will's guns and stuff to him. I just never imagined my life would end up like this. I am so lost. Isn't the grief enough without people taking advantage of you? Just a world I have to learn to live in now and make the best decisions I can. Suzanne

Kay I will be praying for you and your friends. Hope the surgery is successful. I know how hard it must be for you to be at the hosptial. And I know how it is for your friend to feel so helpless while her husband is in surgery. You are such a good friend for being there with them. Take care. Suzanne

Corrine Thank you for your reply. I'm holding on to God' hand like I told you to do but I'm going back into that big black hole once again. I'll find my way out once more and as many times as it takes. Suzanne

To everyone I had to go a doctor today for my blood pressure. 170/104 and I now going to have to take blood pressure medicine. I thought that might be the problem since I have been so dizzy the last few weeks. I went to a new doctor. I couldn't bear to go to the one that last was with Will. I have never had a problem with my blood pressure but I told her what all has happened in the last six months. My husband, my father dying and I have days, good, bad and worse. She told me if the bad and worse don't go away in 2 weeks to call her back, it's been long enough. We all here know it is not enough until we decide. I am just having a really bad night. I tire so of having to meet everyone elses expectations. Suzanne

Derek Thank you for that message. It is oh so true and such a deep wound and so lonely. Thank you for sharing. Suzanne

Corinne My prayers are with you my friend. I pray for God to give you the strength you will need and to take you by His hand to lead you tommorow and every other day. He knows our needs before we even ask and will walk with us. Take hold of that nail scarred hand. Lean hard on His promise to comfort those who mourn, He is there 24/7. Until I found this website I thought even God had abandoned me but through the caring, compassionate people here I have found He was there all along. I just had not found the right road to travel on. The one I was on was not going to take me where I needed to be. It is just such a painful one. Suzanne

Walt That was such a beautiful song. I never met you but I have read so many of your posts and I can feel the love you have for wife. I wish none of us had to go through this but together we will try. This is the most beautiful family to walk this oh so lonesome journey with. Welcome back. I know what a hard day it has been for you. Thank you for sharing that. Suzanne

Hello all So glad that this was brought up. Will's instructions were he wanted to be cremated, have no funeral and no notice in the paper. With some family we had been through some long, drawn out funerals that were so hard on the family and he hated funerals. Told me he never wanted anyone to see him dead. So I agreed with his wishes. When I asked about what he wanted done with his ashes he told me he didn't care what I did with them but I promised him I would have him cremated as he wished. These were his wishes every since we had been together. I wasn't big on creamation, but it might not be such a bad idea after all. I think he thought it would be easier on me and he always thought of me first. I now keep his ashes in a beautiful cherry chest that matches our bedroom. I really don't want to do anything else. I have his photo beside it and I keep a flower arrangement there. Changing it on occassions. Is this wrong? I feel comfort every night when I get into our bed knowing he is right there beside me and I do hold them at times. Is this not letting go? My final plans are that I would be in a masoleum and have his ashes put in with me. I love your story Karen. One of my funniest stories was when Will's uncle died and had a military funeral. We hadn't been together too long at that point. I had never been to one, so we were both standing on top of a hill, in the pouring down rain, with an umbrella, holding hands when the guns starting firing. I panicked, thinking they were real bullets and shooting towards us. I grabbed him and hit the mud dragging both of us down. He never forgot that and laughed about it all the years we were together. Oh the things we remember. Suzanne

Gail I have never shared this with anyone but I feel like we are family here. Here were my vows August 5, 2007 Twenty three years ago today, I pledged my love and commitment to you my darling, but it seems like only yesterday. I promised to love you, honor you, comfort and keep you. I pledged to be by your side in sickness and in health, in times of want and plenty, for better or worse for the rest of our lives. Today though you are no longer physically with me, I pledge my eternal love for you. You are the constant in my life whom I will always love. For in my thoughts, You are ever near, holding to my hand; Prepared always to protect me, As throughout this life, together we stand. You went on before me, Once again to lead the way; To a life which we were promised, To the land where we will stay. Eternally together, for true love may not die, Eternally together, never to be apart; No longer of this realm of sense, But ever within my heart. Yes, now I sit alone, Where once there were two; In silent conversation, With our Lord alone who knew, That our union was richly blessed, Of Our Heavenly Father’s will; Who would ever nourish the bond, Of a love that ripens still. Hold tight, my darling, For I am drawing near. Days may pass without you, But within my heart I hear, The words of love softly spoken, As you described that land, Where love throughout eternity, Walks heart in heart and hand in hand. I love you- Wait for me my love and hold me close as I will you Susan --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gail I hope you got through the day. I know how hard it was and I thought about you all day. I prayed for you to have the strength because it was the most difficult day for me so far. Our 23 rd anniversary was August 5 and we were togehter for 4 years prior to that. 31 years for you and yet it is never long enough. Not when you love someone so much. Everyone thought I had completely gone crazy but I spent mine alone. Will was cremated, so I made a flower arrangement, bought a beautiful wedding decoration with two white doves that I put on his top of his ashes and renewed our wedding vows and it really did comfort me. Hope you found a special way for yours today that would give you some comfort. It will never be the same but they are always in our hearts. Suzanne

Teny I went to your website as well. Your work is just exquisite! I have read your posts and know what a difficult time you are having. I will be thinking of you. Suzanne

Gail I know how difficult this day is for you. My heart just breaks for you. Please know I am thinking of you and praying for you. Suzanne

Survivor of a loved sounds better than widow/widower. I'm not an insect, but have we really survived? Sometimes I wonder if what is left of me counts. I hate being the one left behind but I would never want Will to go through this. Suzanne