suzanne

William You really need to take your medications, I don't take any so I don't have any advice. A pill box sounds like a good idea. Will never knew what he took, he depended on me to keep up with it, I always put everything in a cup we got from the hospital and brought it to him with his breakfast and dnner eery night. I don't have a clue about the estate process and I don't trust anyone completely anymore. I went blindly into doing the will process just as I have everything else. This was some attorney at Senior Citizens that if you are 55 you qualify. He even called me a widow, which I hate. Sounds like a spider and I told him so. Must be a better name for us. Suzanne

Wendy, Derek and Kay And I thought I had the market cornered on worrying. I'm a constant worrier. I can so relate but like each of you, I often wonder why I worry so much now. It hasn't changed a thing except cause my blood pressure to go out the roof. I did go make a will last week because I worried about that every since Will died and now I am worried the people in it won't do as I have instructed which is to take care of my little dog Layla. I don't count on tommorow, it may never come. I worry about the house, the yard, the snow, the holidays coming up, all of the what if's. Will could always calm my worries but now I have to do it alone. How do you do it? Suzanne

William Thank you. I don't think I have made a good decision since March 2nd sometimes I question if I made the right ones that day. I know Will did not want to be on a respirator to keep him alive when all hope is gone. We had talked about that and he had a living will. I just never thought I would have to make that decision for him. I pray so I made the right one, it is so final. Suzanne

Wendy, Karen & William Thank you for your replys. I lost Will on March 2nd at 10:00 AM. Actually he is not lost, I know exactly where he is I just can't get there yet. I won't do away with his clothes anytime soon although I've been told that is the best thing to do. Not for me. My neighbor across the street lost his wife over a year ago and her sisters decided the best thing for him would be to have a yard sale. He had a nervous breakdown right in the middle of it and spent the next 30 days in the hospital. Will and I talked about it at the time and we both said it was too soon. As far as the tools, guns etc I'm not ready for that either. His car along with his golf clubs I gave to his son who has not spoken to me since I demanded he get the title out of my name. When the free stuff ran out so did he. That's a different story which I won't get into. Nothng that I didn't expect anyway. I was prepared for that. Anyway I live in Nashvile, TN. Many thanks to everyone here for your kindness and support. That's all that gets me through the day right now. And please forgive me when I say the wrong things, I am on such a short fuse right now. Suzanne

Wendy I know how you feel. I too have a workshop filled with tools and a riding lawn mower I do not even know how to use. I've been paying someone to take care of the yard because I don't have the energy to deal with plus I don't know how to use the stuff. That will be over soon with fall here. The room where my computer is was Will's office and is filled with guns, knives and civil war things that I have no idea what to do with or even what they are other than it was his things. His clothes are still in the closet and everytime I think I might can do something it's no can't get rid of that. How do you let go of these things and to just strangers? I'm not ready. Sometimes I am so bad I even put his house shoes on and walk around in them just because his feet where in them. Suzanne

William & Wendy I too am so afraid of the holidays. How do you get through them when everyone wants to be merry? I sometimes wish I could just crawl into a hole until they are over. The thoughts of decorations and Christmas music are unbearable. There is no way I can have a Christmas tree. I still live in the house we had for 21 years. Sometimes it feels like home, sometimes like a house with walls. It's as though all of the love has been sucked out of it. The one thing I do plan to do is adopt an angel in memory of Will and my father. Where I live, they have an angel tree program where you pick an angel off of a Christmas tree at the local malls. It is for the needy who would not have Christmas otherwise. On the back of the angel is the name, age and what they need. Some are children, some elderly. I am just going to ask God to find the angel I need to help this year. Will and I had done this in the past because we had all we needed, each other and wanted to give back to someone less fortunate. Maybe if in some small way I could make a difference in someone elses Christmas and let them know someone does care it would make mine worthwhile. I know I have been so bleesed to have so much love from my wonderful husband. That thought doesn't make it hurt any less or any easier to cope with but I thlnk Will and my Dad would like for me to do this. I also have a friend who pet sits and I plan to go with her to take care of the animals whose "Mom or Dad" have gone out of town for the holidays. They need love too and feel abandoned. Suzanne

Dear Duke, All I can tell is don't let any one push you into what you are not ready for. I was pushed into going back to work too soon, fortunately I work with some really understanding people and when I had my meltdowns they were okay with it. A college schedule would be difficult at this point in your life, there would be no way I could focus. You have so much life ahead of you, please take your time. That is something you don't have to decide right now and your grandfather won't kill you. That generation deals with grief in a different way I think, more accepting of finality. You are far too young to have to deal with so much but yet age doesn't lessen the pain. This is your struggle and you need those around you to understand your time frame and don't rush it. All of us here will help you. Suzanne

Thank you Karen for you kindness even though I don't deserve it. I have made so many mistakes and I'm a proofreader, those aren't allowed. Another tidal wave has hit me tonight. I just don't think I can get through this and I really don't won't to try. I'm so tired. Suzanne

Karen & Lori You are both so right and please accept my apology to everyone. Suzanne

Duke Forgive me for getting the wrong impression. You are just a child and I am sorry for you loss of your mother and I do understand your pain. You don't walk alone in this journey, I'm with you my friend and we can walk it together. Someday you will have a spouse and it will be the most beauitful experience you will ever have. Cherish each moment of it, for tommorow might not come. Love each other every seccnd. It will make a good strong marriage for you as it did for me. Suzanne

Dear Kay and Derek Thank you so much for your compassionte responses. It is so true, nothing or no one can ever replace the light of your life nor would I want it to. I just had a response from someone named Duke who has lost no one. Why is he on here? Is this just something else I need to be wary of? I was so protected and shelered with Will. He would never let any harm come to me. Suzanne

Then why are you here if you haven't suffered a loss. Alone doesn't count. This is not a dating service.

Dear Kay Thank you so much for posting these. These are the same feelings I had in the beginning and are still having. I have often wondered if I can ever get through this because the agony is so relentless. I just reached six months on Sept 2. You are so right about people not understanding. My first day back at work I was greeted with "I know just how you feel". Well,duh, he got a divorce and has now been remarried for over a year. Then my Dad died on August 30 and at the funeral home some insensitive woman came up to me and said "losing your father is the hardest thing in your life you will ever have to go through". And it was terribly painful but I still had so much pain and grief anyway. My reply was, Losing your husband is pretty bad too. Well she told me "I don't know about that, I still have mine" And she knew about Will but she said she just forgot. She still has her partner to help her through, I don't. I don't forget. It lives inside me every single waking minute and eats away at my very soul. I miss him so much and long for the day we can once again be together. That one true unconditional love can't be forgetten nor ignored as so many try to make me do. Friends you thought you had don't call anymore. You, all of you wonderful friends here and Marty gave me hope that just maybe I can get to some point of healing. I pray every day that through all of us standing together we can find our way. Love to all Suzanne

Derek I'm with you. I'll pay shipping as well for a good meal. I do hate Sonic but it is the closest for me where I work and it too sustains life. Maybe we all just need to persuade Karan. I know you are a wonderful cook Karen! Too bad we all live so far from each other. But at least here we are together. Suzanne

Derek I know about the drive thru. I eat at Sonic everyday for lunch. They have such a limited menu. Bet Karen could cook all of us something really tasty! Suzanne

Karen I agree with you. Just to have a companion that doesn't expect too much of you. I grow so tired of the frozen dinners but that's just the easiest thing to cook and just get it over with and they sustain life. I can't even bear to sit down and eat. I stand at the kitchen counter and eat while my dog does. Restaurants by yourself are out of the question. I too feel so close to everyone on here and each of you has been a tremnendous help and comfort. Just knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way means so much. I have come farther since I found this place than I had since the beginning of this nightmare. Thanks to each of you for your friendship. Suzanne

Corinne My heart goes out to you and I am so sorry for your losses. I can't even imagine the pain of going through this twice. I lost my beloved husband in March and my Dad August 30. I really admire your courage in being able to love someone again after your first husband. Know that I am thinking of you and praying for each and everyone of us that come here. I must admit that I have had to take a drink or two as well even though I know that isn't going to help but sometimes it gets to be too much to deal with. The people on here have given me so much strength in knowing that I'm not alone and they really do care and understand. For so long I felt so alone with my feelings. I have actually gone an entire week without a tear. First time in six months. May you find the comfort here that I have. Marty and the friends on here are just heaven sent. A friend who cares Suzanne

Karen I agree whole heartedly. Everyone kept telling me to get a dog to keep me company but I didn't feel like I was ready. I couldn't take care of myself much less something else that required attention and care. I also felt as though I wasn't capable of loving anything or anyone again. But on May 23rd I went to the animal shelter and found a little Maltese mix that I just adore. She was so easy to fall in love with and has been great company for me. I started out leaving her in the kitchen at night. That lasted only one night and Layla had a mind of her own. She jumped the gate I had put up and into my bed she came where she has remained since. She decided not to be a dog anymore! She puts her head on my pillow and lays beside me every night. Sometimes when I can't sleep, she starts licking my neck as if to say, Mom I'm here. I truly believe animals can sense your sorrow. Suzanne

Kim I lost my husband six months ago so I don't have a lot of advice for but I do know how you feel. Don't pay attention to his relatives, you know your husband loved you and there is nothing they can say to take that away from you. I somewhat understnd what you mean. My husband had three children that want nothing to do with me anymore and I've learned to not let myself get upset over it. It's not worth the grief they cause when we have so much else to overcome. The people on here will be of great comfort to you. They do understand. Take care of yourself and hang in there. People say it does get better. I also had my husband cremated and I have his ashes in our bedroom in a beautiful cherry box. It's a lot of comfort to me to put flowers beside it and it makes me feel like he is still here with me. Just know you have friends here to listen anytime and walk with you through this dark, lonely painful journey. Suzanne

William I too reached six months on the 2nd. I guess our soulmates both died on the same day, March 2, and I feel your pain and know how bad it hurts. I wish I had some words of comfort to offer but I don't. Just know I am thinking of you and praying that all of us here can find our way somehow. I spent my day on the second at the funeral home for my father and it doubled the agony. I am with you on this long dark journey, you don't walk alone. All of us are here for you, please hang in there. Suzanne

Hello all I am new here but I need some words of something from somebody. It will only be 6 months Sunday since I lost the most wonderful man, my husband Will. He was my soulmate, the very air that I breathed. His exwife died two weeks ago and now I even question the only thing I had to cling to, my hope for our eternity together. They had 3 children togheter, which want nothing to do with me now. I know he loved me but is it different on the other side? Now my Dad is dying before my eyes as well and I can't stop that either. Hospice has said this morning he is in the last stages and now the feeding tube has been stopped today. I'm not ready for another major loss. Please help me somehow to get through this. Would someone give me something to hold on to. I've prayed for strength but at this moment I'm losing it very quickly. My mother is not as strong as she thought she would be and I'm too broken to help anyone. Suzanne

Sarah I am so sorry for your losses. You are right, the people on here know what it is like. I feel as you do, everything in my life is just falling apart and I can't stop it. I wish I can ease your pain or say something but I know there are no words. Your pain is still so fresh and raw and I remember that. Just being on here and knowing that others understand and feel the same agony you do helps. I can't really give any advice because I'm still not sure how to cope, especially with my Dad dying right before me and I can't stop that either. Just know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you. I've learned that sometimes the best thing is to just say, I'm here and I understand and I feel your pain. Suzanne

Gail Please hang in there. I know how hard it is. My husband Will died at 10:00 AM on a Friday and it was the darkest day of my life. I still look at 10:00 every single Friday, just as I guess I will for the rest of my life. For months after I called our number at home and left a message "I love you my darling" at 10:00 AM just as I had for so many years. You see, that is when I took my break at work and that is what I did every Mon-Fri. You are not alone, I walk every single lonely step you do. Weekends are the absolute worst. Suzanne

Erica I know how you feel. Weekends are terrible. Mine was particulary terrible in that I had to go and watch my Dad die this slow, agonizing struggle. I will do it again tommorow. Know that each of us that has come here knows this pain of loss and maybe if we all pull together we can climb this mountain, one rock at a time. I read somewhere that I used to plan for tommorrow but God had a different plan, so I will just let Him plan for tommorow for me. Grief will give you a differnt perspective on suffering, take one day, one hour, one minute if that is what it takes to go on even when you don't want to. You are not alone. I've found through this site more compassionn and understanding than I have anywhere in my journey with this agony. Suzanne

Thank you everyone. Ironically enough, just when I thought no one would reply, I was listening to the Country Music Videos, (which I used to hate Country Music) on cable but it is something short and sometimes mindless, sometimes comforting, and it was "You Find Out Who Your Friends Are". I pray I have found some friends here. I'm pretty much at the end of my rope and don't understand why God would leave me here by myself. I'm not doing very well at it. My heart is too broken and it's just too much to deal with. I try to find strength in that each of you has walked this most unwelcome path. Just at my lowest seemws like God finds a way to some link. Just as He took Will away from me as gently and as tenderly as He could, I was allowed to hold him and see him to the other side. Suzanne