suzanne

Marty Thank you for the resources. I can't get the sound on my Mac at work but I do plan to view it when I get home. I have thought long and hard about my decision to seek out a medium. I feel this is not like a Ouija board (those I don't approve of and think of those as dabbling in the occult). However, I do believe communication is possible with our loved ones from the other side. I have done a lot of reading on various websites on the subject including Sandy Goodman and I think she can communicate with her son. It seems to have brought her peace. For me, if I could validate that my husband "arrived okay" and is still with me in some form I could come to terms with this and hopefully find some of that peace. I just think it is worth a try. I'm not doing this for any predictions of my future and will ask no questions in that area. That I leave to God. Suzanne

Wendy I am not going anywhere being it is over the phone. I will let everyone know how it goes and if it is real. If not, I have wasted a lot of money. But how do you put a price on something like that if it is real and can bring you to a point you can live again? I have to try. As I stated before it is my last resort. Suzaanne

Derek I question myself as well. But what I have read God doesn't mind nor the souls. Even Marty has suggested cetain mediums for communications. They talk as though God has allowed this communication. May God have mercy on me if I have made a terrible mistake. Suzanne

William Melatonin did not work for me. Will had some Ambien left, but kept me wide awake. I use a generic brand for Unisom. Sometimes I can get 4 straight hours from it. Did you take your meds? Wendy will want to know. I'm having a really hard time right now. Suzanne

Annette I understand completely about having the positive attitude that you just can't seem to muster. I thought I was there but I fell totally backwards. Next week will be nine months on the 2nd. I have come to the point of the last resort to maybe find some peace, may be a mistake but it won't be the first I have made. I have an appointment with a medium for a channeling session. I've read this can help to reconcile yourself to this new, unwanted life we are forced into. I feel like I have to give it a try. I've tried every other avenue possible and I feel as though I am stuck in a time warp. Somewhere between the living and the dead, the married and the single. I must move out of this. Sorry if anyone is offended by my choice to go the medium route and the fact that I just can't be an uplifting person right now. I have prayed and for me I feel like this is what I need to do. I try not to say much anymore as it seems like most are doing better and I don't want to bring anyone down. As Bob stated, this boil has got to be lanced and this is my way to try to lance it. My prayers daily are with each of us to find our way. I know each of us has a heartache be it two or four legged (Maylissa for you especially). Thank you for listening. Suzanne

Maylissa I benefit very much from your postings. You have touched my life so much with your compassion and empathy. So sorry about the sad day today of Nissa's anniversary. I know how much you love her. I too know of the loss of a fur baby. I do have my Layla now but it will never be the same as my Cindy. Although I love both. Layla and I are just beginning our bond but it has taken since May. The loss of my husband, my dad within a six month period has taken its toll. But when she cuddles up with me at night it is so comforting. I want to give back as much as she has given me. A fur baby's love is so unconditional and she has been so patient with me. Although very destructive at times. I guess it is the Maltese in her. I have read that is one of their traits. But we work it out. I accept her as she is and she accepts me. I have done something I never thought I would do. I have booked a session with Lysa Mateu. Do you know of her? I am so desperate for some more communication from my beloved husband Will. I feel there is something he needs to tell me and from what I have read, she might be able to get through. I felt like from your postings that you are very in tune with communications. Have I made another huge mistake? Suzanne

KayC You are so right. In my mind this was temporary I guess. Reality has set in so hard these last days. I have not been able to post much because I am so much a downer. I am so numb I can't even cry any more. I have prayed, maybe God wants me to learn something from this hell on earth. Yet, I am so thankful for the love Will and I shared for each other for so many years. But the agony is almost too difficult. Thanks for each of you who has been there for me as well as all of this family. God bless and I pray for each of us on this long, black, journey. Suzanne

Karen Just hold Sadie Mae close. I'm thinking of you and hope the storm subsides. Suzanne

Corinne Hope you had a better day today. Just take care of you and your girls. You know what is best for all of you. Thinking of you. AnnieO Could step children be added into that topic? Suzanne

William No bars or coffee shops for me either. It is a good night afterall when the initially shock of "it's Friday night" wore off. No better way to spend it, than with the company of good friends. Wish we all lived closer and we would have a cup of hot chocolate together. Maybe even a York peppermint patty. I hope each of us has a tolerable weekend, maybe even good. Suzanne

William Glad you remembered you meds. I carry my blood pressure medicine around with me until time to take. Got my little dog, Layla beside me tonight and a pot pie for dinner. But you know, I have a roof over my head, a dog (even though at times very destructive) and something warm for dinner. And good friends here to talk to. So I guess Friday night really isn't that bad. Need to change my attitude. Suzanne

Bob Thank you for your encouragement. I know my husband believed in me, but it is just so hard to do it by myself. I know what he would want but he's not having to do it. Yes I have done some things I thought I couldn't do. But simple things I should have known all along. I allowed myself to be totally dependent on him. Wasn't his fault. I just let it happen. Now I have learned to balance the checkbook, put washer fluid in the car when I didn't even know where it went. Guess that is some progress. One step at a time as they say. Suzanne

Wendy I am right here with you. The highlight of my evening is doing laundry and a pot pie in the oven. The silence is overwhelming. Friday night used to be our best as well and now to think I am reduced to this. I have been on the down side of this roller coaster for some weeks now. I am at seven months as well. Maybe you need to rent a funny movie. Some I could recommend that you just can't help to laugh. You may have already seen them. "Meet the Fockers" (I think this was the best), "Blades of Glory", "Relative Strangers", "Norbitt", "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" (actually someone recommended this to me and it ended up being on cable so I recorded it but soo funny). Each of these will keep you laughing from beginning to end. They were a nice release to laugh once again and just to have a few hours away from the pain. Love Suzanne

William You are not crazy. They do come to us and it is by the mercy of God to give us comfort. You have to be in tune or something to accept those communications. Suzanne

KayC Thank you for the loving spirit you always show and your guidanc.e Your words ring so true and give hope. Bob Please know each of us know how you suffer from the loss of your beautiful Linda. I told Will it would be allright when I knew deep down it wouldn't be but I had that little ray of hope and I didn't want him to give up. Maybe that was wrong. In the end, when the suffering was so great I knew I had to let him go, even though he couldn't speak to me at that point. I had to speak for him. Enough had been done to him, it was time to stop. It will haunt me until the day I die if I made the right decision but at the time, it was the best I knew to make. Don't apoligize for the mess. We all have to get it out and here is the most understanding and compassionate place to do it. I've mopped up many a night. We are here for you. Suzanne

Corinne I had all of those feelings before Will died. He was my confidence. I hope you will find the confidence you need. I'm not looking for a job at the present but I would find it difficult. I have been through several lay offs with closing of companies. One I was with for 14 years. I admire your courage you show for your and your girls. Sorry I can't be of any help. I don't think I have done anything right. But as Gail said, you are not alone. Suzanne

I don't feel like I have to be in church to talk to God. I'm not comfortable in church. Too many people. Most especially now. Will and I didn't belong to a church together althouth we did attend with our families at times. I have my faith even though it falters at times. I just feel like I can talk to God anywhere I am. Actually my best time is every morning in the shower. Almost feels cleansing in more ways than one. Maybe that's wierd. But it's my way. Also at night, under the stars. Suzanne PS -William, glad you remembered your meds. Don't want Wendy's wrath upon you.

Oh my Wendy A most dangerous spot in front of me. But we will hang on and strap in. It is a bumpy ride. You have motion sickness and I have night blindness. Suzanne

Bob So sorry for the loss of your dear wife, Linda. It is so painful to watch the love of your life suffer as you stand helplessly by. I'm glad you found this place. I accidently stumbled upon it after the death of my husband in March or perhaps it was divine intervention. Anyway, I was at the point of going under and the caring and compassion of each person here has helped me along the way. People that haven't been down this road just don't understand and that was all I was surrounded by. Still have my breakdowns as we all do. It's not easy in this unwanted world of "the one that was left behind". Glad to hear you do have some family support. Suzanne

Mike Time will make it better is just a myth for you right now as well as me. I hope for those days but like you I can't see that far in the future at this point. There are those here that from their experiences I know it will happen. There are better days ahead. It is just too soon for some of us I think. I hold on to that hope. Many have been on this journey longer and will lead you along the way. Suzanne

It is so tiring. I have not slept no more than 4 hours at one time since before March. I too refuse to take the pictures down as well. I don't have as many hanging up now and I've rearranged them. It used to get to me but now it is like a warm blanket to walk into every night. It's as though as I can stil see the love in his eyes that I felt everyday. Such a safe place. I'm just coming out of another ride on that roller coaster.I pray that God will help each of us. Suzanne

Mike So sorry for your loss. You are not alone, at least on here. I am 55 and lost my beautiful husband in March. He was on life support as well and it was up to me to make the decision that I hoped I would never be called upon to make. Even though we had talked about it over the years and he had a living will. I often wonder if I made the right one. But I knew without a doubt what he wanted. To death do us part took on a real meaning that morning. We had been married for 22 years and together for 4 years prior to that. I still suffer major breakdowns but the friends on here have helped me get through this even on those days I thought I just can't make it. As Wendy stated, it is like one big family. We each share each others pain as well as the times we find a bright spot. I understand everything you are feeling. There are just no words to take the pain away. So sorry to meet you this way. Suzanne

Thank you Karen It was seven months last Tuesday. I know several of us have had seven months recently. I know God has a plan but it just doesn't make it hurt any less at the moment. Maybe God wants me to hurt. I am trying to make some sense of it. Sometimes the person I see now I don't even like. Suzanne Wendy You hit it on the mark. It's not a home anymore. I don't know if I will ever feel like there is a home again. It's a house with walls. All of the love was sucked out of it the night the ambulance carried Will out of here. Suzanne

Just needed to vent a little. I hate this life. It's just pure agony in its rawest form. I miss my husband, my life, my partner, my best friend, my everthing. Just one of those bad nights. This is just not living. I am taking a lot of steps backwards right now. I know that is normal but it hurts like a living hell. My little ray of hope has dimmed to hopelessness. Just a kind word I guess is what I need. I know each of you has has had these same moments. Surely my heart should have broken enough by now to get me back to Will. Why I am stll breathing? Maybe tomorrow will be better, but not tonight. Suzanne

Teny Just want you to know I'm thinking of you. I know much you love and miss your husband. I do understand your grief. Suzanne