suzanne

Wendy New Years eve is the one fear most of all. But like you, I know my family here will get me through it as you all have through the others. Must retire for now, been up since 4:00 AM. Sleep is a stranger now but I make the effort to maybe have some peaceful, blank rest. Suzanne

Karen & Kay Thank you both so much for your replys. I know both of you are farther along on this journey and that gives me hope for brighter days. I just can't find hope at the moment and that is okay. I know you both understand. I could not make it without the support of those who "get it". I'll hold my little dog Layla closer tonight and make it through one more night. Tomorrow is another day. Suzanne

Terry & Lynette I am so sorry for your losses. My heart goes out to you my friends. Know that all of us will be here for you, keep posting, whatever you need to say, someone is here to listen and knows how you feel. Suzanne

How do I face a new year? A year where Will is not included. I made the valiant battle through Christmas, I survived and now yet another battle to fight. My strength is at minimum, exhaustion has set in. I know many here have fought the same battle for so much longer as the calendar takes them farther away from us and many have started a fresh new battle. My heart goes out to each of you. Only us warriors know this battle. We fight, armed with memories, tears and the gut wrenching loneliness and isolation that those who have been on this battlefield have known. Is that enough armor? Can we win this battle and somehow find a way to some resemblance of normal? Sorry to be a downer, need to get it out. Thanks for listening. Suzanne

Gail Congratulations on your grandson. What a wonderful gift and Bruce is smiling at you and holding you and your family close. Suzanne

Marty Thank you for this idea. I made a box with Christmas photos from last year, my Christmas letter to him, wrapped it in beautiful gold paper and placed it on top of my beloved Will's ashes. It felt so wonderful to honor him in this way. Suzanne

I would like to wish each of you a Merry Christmas. Although the merry has been taken out for so many of us, I wish each of us may find peace and healing through the compassion and caring we all have for each other. Each and every one of you are such dear friends I cherish. We have all suffered a devastating loss be it two legged or four legged. Without you, I could not have made it through it this far. I also want to extend my heartfelt gratitude to Marty for making this site possible and giving each of us a place to come with our sorrows and heartache and the direction she so lovingly gives us. It's hard, it's tough, it's agonizing, but together we will come through the storm, find strength through each other and look for brighter days to come. My love to all of you. Suzanne

Patty Ann Happy birthday my friend. I know hard it is for you and I wish I could ease your pain. Know that you are not alone, you have us and your dear husband is watching as well and sending you his love. Suzanne

KayC Oh my gosh. I'm glad you warned me. Can we claim head of household if we own our home? I thought I read that in the form. Maybe that would help some. You are so right, Social security and government really takes its bite on you when you are down. Proclaiming your maritial status when in our hearts we are still married. Suzanne

Maury I understand. I have hosted many a pity party for myself. Had to change my withholding to single yesterday for the coming year. I never would have thought something so simple would hit me so hard but it brought on such a fresh new wave of grief. The reality, the holidays, the isolation, the agony, the exhaustion, the absolute raw feelings of a fresh wound opened and the outside world can't see the wound. Only those of us who are there know it. I could not make it without each of you. I know I have much to be thankful for and I am trying so hard to focus on it. It's a rainy, gloomy day here and I suppose that adds to it. I wish I could sleep through these coming days until Jan 2 - but sleep is not my friend right now. Suzanne

Lyn I am truly sorry you having such a hard day today. I know how painful it is. I think a lot of us here are experiencing a really bad case of the "holiday blues" that are just knocking us over. I know for me, the closer it gets the lower I go. We have made it this far, remember one day at a time. I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you. Sometimes it helps to "cry it out" of our systems. Suzanne

Deborah Yes, I have gone through the same thing. He would not want me to feel this way where as I didn't want him dead, but those so called comforters, THEY are not going through this. Every friend I thought I had has disappeared. I think if you have someone you love it will happen to you (it's guarenteed, one will cross over and one will be left behind) and then you will understand our pain. Until then they don't understand. Being around us reminds them death is for certain. They can ignore it for now, but each will have their own cross to bear, tailored just for them. Excuse me, but I am in a really pissy mood tonight. Dealt with too many a###holes today. Suzanne

Wendy I am sorry about your mother. I just don't have any words that would ease your pain. Know that you and your mother are in my thoughts and prayers. Sometimes it feels like more that we can bear. I pray for you and your mother to have strength to get through this. Sending you a hug. Suzanne

Lori I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved husband. I lost mine in March and know the pain you are going through. My heart breaks for you. This is a wonderful place with lots of caring and compassionate people. I hope you will find comfort in knowing you are not alone. Suzanne

Karen I am so sorry things are so hard for you rignt now. Know that I am thinking of you. You are such a special person. Suzanne

Kathy I just recently did the same thing so I don't think it is weird. Like you, I don't know really why I was so determined. A lot of mine was because all the remodeling was things Will and I had talked about doing and only a few months before he died, he made the remark he would never be well enough to do the things he wanted to do in the house. I guess part of me was doing it as my gift to him, fulfilling what I knew was our dreams together for our home. Sort of, if you can't I will see it done for you. Does that make sense? I still have his clothes in the closet, the dresser, his slippers on top of the freezer where he left them, his watch where he left it. Those things I don't know when I will ever change. And you are right, it did take my mind off of the sadness for awhile. Only now, so much familiar is gone. But I know in my heart everything I've done he would have loved. Just so sad he can't physically be here to enjoy it as I know he would but I feel his presence and approval. I think Bill would approve of whatever you decide. You had already talked about it, maybe he is just giving you the go ahead. Suzanne

William Happy birthday! Thinking of you my friend. Did you take your meds? You too Wendy and Corrine Love to all Suzanne

William I have the same numb. Sleep is such a relief when I can. I have been awake since 3:00 am. I am so exhausted. Seems like the closer the holidays come, the worse it gets. The grief monster is looming and I need to chase him away or confront him. Suzanne

I wonder if anyone else is having difficulty with Christmas cards. The ones I receive from ones who know my loss with only my name on them and the ones I receive from people who don't know about Will addressed to Mr and Mrs. Both are equally as painful I think. I found something I think would be helpful to enclose in cards if you so desire to send any. I can't quote the source. It may be from some of the archives here. I am just not certain where I found it. But it seems so appropriate for the way we all feel. My Dear Family and Friends, I have experienced a loss that that is devastating to me. It will take time, perhaps years, for me to work through the grief I am having because of this loss. I will cry more than usual for some time. My tears are not a sign of weakness or a lack of hope or faith. They are the symbols of the depth of my loss and the sign that I am recovering. I may become angry without there seeming to be a reason for it. My emotions are all heightened by the stress of grief. Please be forgiving if I seem irrational at times. I need your understanding and your presence more than anything else. If you don’t know what to say, just touch me or give me a hug to let me know you care. Please don’t wait for me to call you. I am often too tired to even think of reaching out for the help I need. Don’t allow me to withdraw from you. I need you more than ever during the next year. Pray for me only if your prayer is not an order for me to make you feel better. My faith is not an excuse from the process of grief. If you by chance, have had an experience of loss that seems anything like mine, please share it with me. You will not make me feel worse. This loss is the worst thing that could happen to me. But, I will get through it and I will live again. I will not always feel as I do now. I will laugh again. Thank you for caring about me. Your concern is a gift I will always treasure. Sincerely, Suzanne

KayC I am computer challenged and would never be able to figure out how to do a picture. Thanks for asking though. It is only about 8 inches tall, and changes from red, green, white, blue and yellow. No decorations, just clear crystal lookiing. Found it at the drugstore for $5.00. But it looks so delicate and pure.

Kathy I found a tiny tree to put on top of my husband Will's ashes. Crystal with lights that change colors. So beautiful. So sad, so heartbreaking, so agonizing, so lonely. Suzanne

Teri My heart goes out to you. I am at a little over nine months on the loss of my beautiful husband Will. I know what you mean at being at the mercy of doctors, there was only one when Will died that showed any compassion to me and I don't even remember her name. She was in the emergency room and took the time when he was in intensive care to come and talk with me. All of the others were so matter of fact. I have often wondered, do they have any compassion at all. One even came in and before his heart stopped on the monitor and said "well he's already gone". This was a person, my soulmate, the love of my life. Holidays are distressing to say the least. I ponder on how I can survive that, but I just take one day at a time. I have found such comfort here, people who understand, and we all walk this unwanted, unwelcome journey together. I could not have made it without all of the beautiful friends I have found here. Suzanne

Walt Thank you. I needed this tonight. Suzanne

Kathy I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, mother and furbaby. I know what heartache you are going through. I lost my husband in March. Know that you are not alone. I am glad you also have some support with friends and coworkers. You have a wonderful place to come to here with lots of caring people. One day at a time. Suzanne

William We all falter. It makes sense you can't live in your apartment but carry your memories with you, pack a bag, put them in it, and take themn right along. I had thoughts of selling our house (note-not home, but making it one) but I changed my mind. My situation was different, we had lived here for 21 years. Do what you feel is right for you. That's the best we can do. Suzanne