Corinne

William my friend, It is so good to see you post. I worry about you. I have not been posting much lately either, also lurking in the shadows. I am trying to find a job and I had forgotten how much I hate going on interviews, etc. I also passed the 1 year since we last saw John on Feb. 24 and now I am in the middle of the 2 months it took to find him. I am also dealing with John's crazy family. They found my phone # several weeks ago and called. I told them I could not speak to them after everything that they did to me and ended up hanging up on his aunt and told her not to call my # again. I also just received an email from a good friend from where I used to live and she said she ran into John's sister and she said that she was mad that she had not seen the girls since Aug. when we moved. That is not the truth, she has actually not seen or called to check on the girls since May when they showed up at my older daughters 8th birthday party (the first without her Dad) with lists of John's things that they wanted. She also told my friend that she was going to try and get custody of my girls. My friend told her that they were my girls and that I could take them anywhere I wanted and then her husband pulled her away before it got ugly. I know that there is no possible way that she could ever get custody but it is just the fact that it stirs up all the ugly memories of the things that they did to me. Oh well, sorry for the long post I really just wanted to say that it is good to see you posting again. Hugs & prayers, Corinne

Jo, Have a wonderful birthday! I wish you strength and peace. (((HUGS))), Corinne

Elizabeth, First I want to say that I am so sorry you are dealing with this loss. Second I am truly glad you brought it up. You do need to talk about it and let it out. Let me give you a quick rundown of what I've been through and how I handle it, maybe it will help, maybe not since everyone is different. Eleven years ago my precious husband who was dying of colon cancer shot himself on Christmas morning while I was in the shower, then last Feb 24th my fiance went to a pool tournament at 11:00 a.m. he drank all day and then after midnight decided to walk home through the woods in 17 degree temp.. They found him 2 months later. For a very long time I would picture my precious Jimmy when I ran out of the shower and found him. With John I kept picturing him freezing to death and tried to imagine what were his last thoughts. After a while I realized that recalling the picture of Jimmy was not helping me in any way and there was no way I could possibly change what happened so every time it came into my mind I pushed the picture out. Eventually that picture went away. After I lost John, his family turned on me and I decided to see a therapist because I was losing it and I knew our little girls needed me. I did go on an anti-depressant and that calmed my mind enough that I could finally hold a thought. Elizabeth you will probably never have the answers to the questions you would like answered just as I will never have my answers. When horrible things like these happen, you never really get over it, but you can learn to let go of or keep in that little box what you'll never understand and just grieve for the horrible loss life and begin to heal. I hope that something I have said will help you. Please keep posting about it when you feel the need it is necessary for your grieving. Hugs & prayers, Corinne

Wendy my friend, I know today is a big milestone in your grieving. You have made it through a year. I know it is very hard to believe, but you have done it. You have come a long way and I know there is still a long way to go but we can get through it together. You are in my thoughts and prayers. ((((BIG HUG)))) Corinne

Jessie, It is OK to have days when you don't think of your brother and you don't cry. I think it may be a way for us to regroup. Just because you have not cried in a few days and you haven't thought of Sam does not mean that you are forgetting him. What you are going through is very normal and it is a sign you are healing. Yes you will still have days that you cry and cannot bear the fact that he is gone but you will also start to have more days that you do not cry. IT IS OK! I am sure that if Sam could talk to you he would tell you that he would want you to be OK and to go on. Please do not be upset with yourself for having some OK days it is normal and healthy. Hugs & prayers, Corinne

Karen, My heart goes out to you. You are such a wonderful and strong person. I will pray for you for strength and I will pray for enlightenment for your Dan so that he can see what these people are trying to do to him. Please know that you are both always in my prayers. Hugs & prayers, Corinne

Derek, Is Carson OK now? That had to be horrible, you both must have been terrified. Do they believe it will heal completely with no permanent damage? I will keep you both in my prayers. Hugs & prayers, Corinne

Kayc, I definitely know those feelings. Jimmy is gone 11 yrs. and I still have problems with doctor offices and hospitals. Since Jimmy had cancer we spent a lot of time in doctors offices and hospitals so now when I am waiting too long I start to have panic attacks. I just try and pray and take deep breaths while waiting and then I usually end up with a migraine. Hugs & prayers, Corinne

Marty & Karen, You're very welcome. Wendy, If your Steve was like my Jimmy and we were all out together we definitely would not have had a chance but we would have had one heck of a good time! LOL Hugs & prayers my friends, Corinne

Hi Everyone, I just want to let those of you who think you may someday forget your loved one know that you will not. Today would have been mine and Jimmy's 16th anniversary. We were together 13 yrs. but only married 4 before he passed 11yrs. ago. I just want you to know that I still remember his smile, his voice, the way only he could make me laugh until my ribs hurt, the way he used to purposely try to embarass me in public (I was horribly shy when I met him and he did it to help me get over that and it worked), I remember the way he used to make up his own words to songs and sing them to me, I remember his laugh, the way I always felt safe and warm in his arms, I remember the way he would look at me and I would see the love in his eyes. I remember it all just as vividly as when he was with me. Jimmy did send me a special gift after he left. He sent me the ability to draw and paint. It was something I had always wanted to do and he knew that. Before he passed I could barely draw stick people, but after he passed for therapy I tried painting and drawing and miraculously I could do it so I consider it my gift from him. Thank you honey for the gift and Happy Anniversary in Heaven! My tears today are of gratitude for having been able to love and be loved as I was when we were together. I miss you and I will love you always! Hugs & prayers, Corinne

Wendy, I am so sorry for your loss. As you know you and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs & prayers, Corinne

William my friend, I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers always and wish for you strength, courage and hope for the future. I know it is hard as Sunday it was 1 year since we last saw John. My heart is so heavy, the girls have grown so much in the past year and their Daddy was not here to see it. Every day I grieve for my loss, for my daughter's loss and for John's loss of not seeing his precious girls grow up. It is hard my dear friend but we will get through this together. (((BIG HUG))) & prayers, Corinne Here is a rose for your Myrna[attachmentid=269]

Rosemary, Welcome to the site. I am so so sorry for your loss. Your story sounds a lot like when I lost my Jimmy, he too was my soulmate and he was 20 years older than me. We did not have children together either. Jimmy had colon cancer and commited suicide 11 years ago. I too questioned if I did all that I could as did a lot of us on this site. Know that you did do all you could and do not let that the guilt come in and take over. Grieving takes a while and it is a lot of work, but know that you will get through it. Your husband will be with you always and would want you to go on. Please keep coming back and posting it really does help. Hugs & prayers, Corinne

Teny, You are a wonderful part of our family here and I am so relieved that you are OK! Hugs & prayers, Corinne

Karen, What a wonderful gift from your Jack! It is such an awesome story, thank for sharing it with us. Hugs & prayers, Corinne

William, I have a tendency to look at things the way Bob does. When John passed I could have sued all the bars where we lived for serving him after he was intoxicated. I thought about it and the pain it would cause and the amount of time it would take until it was all over was not worth it to me, so needless to say I did not bother. It would not have brought him back and it would have caused too much pain. Everyone is different though and needs to make their own decisions. Hugs & prayers, Corinne

Marty, Thank you for sharing that with us. It is such a wonderful and amazing thing that you and Allie are doing!!! I know first hand if after John died and we had to move that if my daughters could not take their dog they would have been devastated. I truly believe that he has been a huge help in their recovery from the loss of their Dad. Hugs & prayers, Corinne

Chris, I am so so sorry for the loss of your brother. Alcoholism is definitely a sickness. I lost my fiance, the father of my two daughters, to it. He went out drinking all day and decided to walk home in 17 degree temperatures with no jacket through the woods. He did not make it and it took two months to find him. It has been almost a year since I last saw him and it is very hard. Please come here and post your feelings. You can say anything here without being judged or worrying about putting a burden on anyone here, we all understand what you are going through. Please take care of yourself. Hugs & prayers, Corinne

Wendy, I completely understand what you are talking about when you say physical strength. I am very mechanically inclined and I have taught myself to fix many things over the years mainly because of the fact that I was tired of people charging me way too much and then doing things half---. I can fix just about anything but my problem is that I do not have the hand strength a lot of times to loosen a nut that has been tightened way too much and things like this so I am now going to have to pay an arm and a leg for someone else to it for me and that just irritates the heck out of me. Also, unfortunately a lot of men will not let their wives cut the grass or repair things and that is sad because they may end up in our situation some day. Please know that we do understand what you mean and that we are right there with you. Hugs & prayers, Corinne

Bob, Thank you so much for your reply. I think the reason all the sadness and grief are hitting me now is because I am trying to do as you have said let the bad go and remember the good. I do try to see him as he was created and without "the barnacles that got stuck to him by life." He was raised in an enviroment that was filled with alcohol and gambling and I guess he did not have much of a chance. It was knowing what he became from being raised in that environment that scared me so much when it came to our daughters and before he died I had given him a choice to straighten out or he would have to leave so that the girls would not learn his habits. That is all done now so I will go on and remember who he was inside and the love he did have for me and our daughters and the gifts and blessings that did come from our relationship and let the rest go. Shell, You were not being insensitive I posted my story before. John was on an all day drinking binge and he decided to walk home in 17 degree temp. through the woods without a coat, he did not make it and they found him 2 months later. Thank you for sharing the story about your Mom's friend it really does help to hear that other people have experienced these crazy twists and turns that grief throws us. Annie, As you know with this complicated grief it has these crazy twists and turns that we cannot in any way foresee. As for the therapist who told you that you should be mad at your dad she should see a therapist because hatred and anger is like a cancer that will eat you away from the inside out and you cannot truly heal holding on to it. I have found you acknowledge it, feel it, and then let it go because no good can come from it. Yes, there were bad things in our relationships but there were also as Bob said many gifts and blessings and these are the things we need to concentrate on to heal and grow. Hugs & prayers, Corinne

William, If you find it hard to look at Myrna's things then don't look at them, you can keep them boxed up until you are ready. It took me ten years to be able to go through the pictures of my life with Jimmy and I am very glad that I kept them. Stay here and keep posting we will be here for you and we will all get through this journey together. Hugs & prayers, Corinne

Karen, Thanks, I know you have not had it very easy and I find your posts give me strength to go on. Hugs & prayers, Corinne

Hi, I know most here on the site are going through the horrible gut-wrenching to your soul kind of grief, which I experienced when I lost Jimmy, but this grief for John is just so complicated it is driving me crazy. John and I were having problems when he died, mainly due to his drinking and gambling which then would bring on the verbal abuse and I had been pretty tired of it. When he died I guess it was kind of relief from the strife along with being in shock that I was kind of numb. Now that it is coming up on a year, (even the date part is complicated if you go by when he went missing it will be a year on Feb. 24 but if you go by when they found him it will be Apr. 18), I am over the numb and am so broken by the loss, the reality of his death is now hitting me. He was only 34, he has two beautiful daughters and deep down he had a really good heart, it was just the alcohol and gambling had such a hold on him. I find myself thinking of him all the time, I see him everywhere I look, I miss his big hugs and watching him play with the girls. This journey is so different and scarey because I don't know what will be coming around the next bend of this ride. I don't know why I am even posting this except that maybe there is someone else out there that is going through a complicated grief also and they need to know that they are not crazy or alone in this complicated process or maybe I just felt that if I saw it in print I just may be able to make something of this. Thanks for listening. Hugs & prayers, Corinne

Congratulations Suzanne! I am so happy for you and wish you the best of luck with your new car. Hugs & prayers, Corinne

William, Please know that we are all here for you these next few days and we will get you through them just as you are here for us. Post and vent as much as you need to we will be here for you. Sending you a big hug (((HUG))). Hugs & prayers, Corinne