leeann

Well I was much more like you were, right before and for quite awhile after his big surgery in 07. (And I even had to give him shots too.) And I really never went all the way back to how I was before. Ya know? And now I find myself keeping more and more to myself. And to be honest I don't think he could handle it anyway. He tires easily still and wears out much quicker than he did before. It kinda took the stuffing out of him and now I'm beginning to think that is kinda permanent. I mean we are now very near two years out from that surgery. Course he has had two other procedures since and ... (apparently more to come... ) So he's as good that way today as he will ever be. So in the meantime.... I'm trying to get stronger in myself. Like somehow gain the confidence that sets my myself to peace. We did find out today that there definitely is something wrong again. We had an appointment with the Specialist for mid June... but our reg Doc got the report on the test he had done and and called & told hub what was what. So we have another, at the very least, procedure to get through or another significant surgery. We'll have to wait til we see the Specialist to find out for sure. But we know it will be one of those two options. I held him tonight after that phone call... there was just nothing to say.. ya know? It stinks. But... again.. the alternative is your reality. So... we go through what we must and I will continue to hold him... and once he falls asleep tonight....and probably other nights.... I'll cry. Thanks for "getting it" Kath. And I hope I am not hurting you at all. I know it can't be a pleasant time to recall. XO leeann

Well that's what I AM doing as best I can. In part .. yes probably so. I already know it will hurt. And I will lose him someday or he will lose me. Don't want that to happen but it is, of course, reality. I disagree. I could spend time now getting myself a bit more emotinally independent. I don't regret or have second thoughts about the type of pulling back I am doing. I think it is doing me some good. Of course. There is nothing that I or anyone can do to avoid that. No, I don't think I will. I think that I need to be a bit more emotionally self-reliant. I don't need to run to him with every little thing like I used to. And ya know... he sure doesn't need that either. I'd like him to feel ok with me being on my own. I'd like to feel & I'd like him to feel less stress and more relaxed and more focused on himself for a change. Life is desperately short. And I want to feel that I'm strong and he can count on me. I think I was too needy for too many years with him. And now I feel a bit stronger and more capable.. but I'd like to feel that even more so. Agreed.. but I sure can prepare for tomorrow a bit by changing my thinking and actions, and that's what I think I'm doing. Life is about learning and growing and this is an area I need some growth. I have been co-dependent on him in the past. That's NOT good. And I have spent a long time trying to change that. No I don't want to be "too" close to him in that I don't feel any self confidence in myself. I have struggled with self confidence for a long time. And I think in my mind I was too dependent on him emotionally. I'm still a work in progress. I need to keep my eyes peeled for where I am not being as self reliant as I could be. I must be in a postion to be comfortable in my own skin .. such as it is... and be confident that I will be intact no matter what life brings me. And I think he would feel much more content if I'm more content... Do you see what I mean? XO leeann

Thanks for all of your concern, wise words and understanding. I think though that I didn't state this as clearly as I should have. When I say I am pulling away .. I'm not physically doing that. I'm emotionally doing that. I tend to him and his needs as I always have and maybe even more so. I try to be there for him on all levels. But I hold back my own emotions from him a bit or I don't express them as much in front of him. I deal with issues or problems with the kids more and try to "save" him from the worst of it... LOL Kinda like shielding him a bit. He always is aware of what is going on, I'm not into "hiding" things from him. But let's say I end up taking the lead on much more stuff than I used to... and to be fair... he is aware of that & lets me. Like in the 2 hours we have between the kids coming home from school and him coming home from work... I try to get what the problem is clearly and do what I can to help the kids get to a solution themselves. Whereas before... I would always say let's wait to talk to Dad about this together. Now we may get through the whole thing and the kids have a plan ready to try and solve it beofre he gets home. But then I always say... "Tell Dad what happened today." So that he is informed of what is going on. But I clearly do not talk to him as much about things that I'm feeling or thinking. I deal with most things with my own counsel. If a problem arises I try to take care of it and when or if I can't.. only then will I ask him to help me. That's really one of the bigger things... I don't ask him for help much anymore. If I am upset or nervous about something... I tend to keep it to myself, figure it out on my own or ask a close friend if I just can't obtain the correct perspective myself. Whereas before I would automatically go to him with it. I'm kinda like in emotional independence mode. However if he happens to ask me.. of course I would tell him. But I don't just go to him right away and run things by him like I used to. Almost like I don't want to "wear him out" LOL and I also want to get used to being a bit more emotionally independent. Does this make sense? I'm not as "needy" as I used to be with him. And on some level that makes me feel a bit more prepared if something were to happen to him. Yes I keep alot more to myself but I'm not sure that is always a bad thing for me. Perhaps I was too "needy" and I'm trying to balance that out and feel stronger in myself. BTW he just had a test completed again to check on his earlier surgeries and apparently something showed up on that test that warrants a discussion with the Doc. But we won't know til the appointment in 2 weeks. He's kinda fed up with Docs in general and really tired of all of this... so I tried the best I could to support him... hear him out... and gently point out that he will have a lifetime of "checks" on this ahead of him. That's just part of this. I know it is beyond annoying to have to do this and wait and wonder every few months.. but... the alternative to having the surgery..wasn't all that appealing, to say the least. But it is hard to deal with this all of the time I know. It's just hard for him and I guess for me to. So plans??? NOT too many being laid out in great detail... no. We just never know how he is going to be or if more surgery will be needed etc... How he will do with those surgeries or if any complications may arise.. and on and on and on. We make shorter range plans.. but we try to build in as much flexibility as we can. And in the meantime.... I'm trying to grow a bit more independent emotionally. I hope I made this clearer for you all. Thanks! XO leeann

I think I have learned the same.... I know I haven't lost my spouse.. but he has been through major surgery and been seriously ill. He is ok now... but he bears close watching and tests every few months. But I find since his surgery and since being here in this community and reading all of your posts... I'm very into one 24 hour period at a time. And I don't plan much either. I try not to think too much about the future. Retirement??? Ha... at this point I would lying if I told you anything but, in my mind right now..., that's icing on a cake. I'll be grateful to get a cake even mixed together and close to the oven....let alone baked completely & iced. I also find I have pulled back a bit emotionally away from my husband. Don't know if this is healthy or not... but it is what is happening with me. Almost like I wanna be ready for this blow.... so.. not so close. Ya know? I honestly don't want to think much at all about the future.. let alone plan. leeann

Yes it is a big transition. It is part of the grief journey to get used to them being spiritual beings. Be patient with yourself. ((((Hugs)))) leeann

Actually my Mom was a recipient of corneas. And I was very grateful to the donor as was she. I know there were quite a few people on our Loss of Spouse, Partner or Significant Other Forum whose loved ones were awaiting donated organs and didn't live to have the transplant. So there are quite a few here on the other side of this coin. I can kinda of understand your feelings though. And as with most of the more unpleasant things when ones loved ones pass.. I imagine your thoughts will turn toward the more positive things and thoughts in time. This weekend his "body" was very much on your mind, naturally. So it is only natural in my opinion that you are having those kind of thoughts about his body. But remember... it was his choice to donate and that was what he wanted.. so maybe try focusing on that or on how very appreciative the recipients and their families must be. And how great a man your Dad was to donate that which he could no longer use. I'm sure he is a hero to the recipients and their families. But I wouldn't worry about having thoughts or feeling queasy about the whole process... I think that is only natural. There are times when I recall the condition of my Mother when I found her.... it wasn't pretty and she had been laying there 48 hours before I found her. And I got queasy and a bit sickened too whenever I recalled seeing her like that or having to clean up afterwards. Those thoughts & recollections were much more frequent right after she passed. Now I don't have them much at all. When I do though, I try to distract myself away from those thoughts and remember her more as she would want to be remembered. (((((Hugs))))) leeann

Um.. I'm going with "Bob".. and NOT a coincidence. And yes... a magnificient gift it was! I'm glad he was around you so strongly and that you made it through the wedding ok. ((((Hugs)))) leeann

Daddy'a gal Have you ever heard of "detaching with love"? It is different than running away but just as effective. Here.. read this: http://books.google.com/books?id=YDiK3lDS9...lt&resnum=3 I think you can detach from your sibs without detaching from your Dad. Just pay their comments absolutely no mind and do not seek any contact with them. If you are not up to speaking to them.... let your answering machine get/take the call. In other words... skip the gossip grapevine. Detach from your sibs...understanding they are only trying to cope the best way they know how to. Your means of coping is different and that's f-i-n-e.. so don't let them or anyone else tell you any different. Keep the focus on you and your child. If your sibs are creating chaos.... that doesn't mean you have to join them. Leave them to their chaos and you just do what works for you. I have had to detach from some family members as well as from some friends. It gets easier to do once you are trying it for awhile. I limit contact.. at times down to NO contact depending on how I am feeling. I have enough on my own plate without sticking my nose onto theirs. lol So hold your head up and just continue to do what works for you. Let them do their own thing. Just keep yourself invested emotionally in yourself, your child, your Dad and anyone else that is supporting you at the moment. I'd say you do not need anyone around you that would want to tear you down instead of holding you up right now. So... detach my friend.... It is a form of 'tough love' but I have found it is just absolutely necessary for my sanity sometimes. And of course... vent away here! (((((Hugs)))) leeann

(((((((Kath)))))) Just wanted to let you know you are and will be in my thoughts this weekend. leeann

Good thought Annie.. Thanks for sharing that with us. leeann

Marty thanks for posting that. I think Gracey had it absolutely right when she said: "I will let my heart guide me." One can't go wrong doing that. So Daddy's Gal.. listen to your heart.. try NOT to compare how and what you are doing with how and what your sibs are doing. And if they start comparing what you are doing to what they are.. gently remind them... we are all different & follow our own paths to get through this, doing the best we can. How they are getting through it isn't wrong.. nor is the way you are coping. Each of you will do what is best for yourselves. I just wouldn't ever expect that to be the same. It just isn't the same for any 2 people.. (even if those 2 people are loosing the same person)because we all have unique relationships. You will sense what your dad needs and doesn't need. And you will do the same for yourself & make time to express your own feelings. I would suggest you do that perhaps with a good friend or a spouse as opposed to your sibs right now though. It just seems someone else might be able to be a bit more compassionate & open to your needs at the moment. And of course... share with us here too! We are here for you. XO ((((((Hugs)))))) leeann

Daddy's Girl... we all go about this in our own ways. Your Dad will have a totally different perspective since it is his sunset after all. But as far as your other family members go... try real hard not to compare yourself with them. You will go through this in your own way. Other than that..... Your Dad seems to desire lighter moments in abundance. And it seems that is how he feels best at the moment. So sure.. you can support that in your own way. It is their illness and death, not our own. So... I think...when in their presence it should be all about them. Giving to them whatever they need. This is our gift to them in my thinking. For me... I kept on affirming things for my Dad. I tried to mirror whatever feelings he was having or however he wanted to be. I wanted to do anything that he needed that I could do. If he needed to laugh.... you bet.. I laughed. Even if I was crying inside.... I laughed with him. I just shed my tears later in private. I just stayed in the very moment with him. I didn't think a whole lot about myself while I was with him... I just thought about him and what I could do to make it any easier for him. I also had someone very close to me... almost like another Dad to me who I lost. He faced it very differently than my Dad did. He did way more laughing and joke telling during the whole process. He was so irreverent... and some of the things he said then.. STILL make me chuckle today. For example one day a few months before he passed, he straight out asked if I would cry when he passed. I almost fell apart right there. And I know he caught my pained expression that I wasn't quick enough to hide. And then a split second later... before I could even answer, he told me I had better cry.. or he would sit up in the casket and give me a good smack til I did. Of course I laughed, as he did. But that was how he was dealing with it. (There are loads more stories of that kind of humor from him that really still warm my heart and make me smile.) But truth be told... that was HIS way of telling me... 'I know you are going to hurt and I don't want you to'... and really.. it was his way of telling me how much he loved me and that he knew I loved him too. It was HIS way... and after all.. it was HIS death.... so I was along on the journey with him... no matter what. And again.. when I stayed in the moment with him.. and thought only about him while I was with him or on the phone with him, I was able to laugh with him. Many times...of course.... I cried all the way home alone in the car afterwards.... but.. IN his presence... no way. I sensed he didn't want that or need it so I didn't do it. I expressed my own pain when I was by myself. When I was with him.. it was ALL about his pain, his joys, his feelings... whatever they were. Just so you know.... in my opinion... helping someone we love die is one of THE hardest things to do. Yet it is a priceless gift to them. I didn't talk to his children a whole lot about his "dying". We talked mostly about logistics... who can take him to treatment... who can visit when... etc. And we also would tell each other some of the funny things he had done to us or told us.... kind of mirroring his coping without being totally aware that was what we were doing. We kept it light with each other... Until, of course, he actually passed. Then on occasion we would share our pain in words together a bit. (And many times we shared that pain together without words. Sometimes we would call each other and do nothing other than listen to the other one cry and say to them "I know." And then the other of us would call and just cry on the phone and it was their turn to simply say "I know. It stinks.") But he kept things light so we had a tendency to do that with each other. Now afterwards we all found out that all of us were crying when we were alone or with our spouses or other friends. But as hard as it seems... we laughed with him because that's what he needed I think. Sure we were sad.... but we loved him so much... we wanted to just "be" with him in every way possible before he went. And being with him, really "present" with him meant... laughing alot of the time. Of course there were times as he neared the end that he would shock me with his openess about dying itself. We'd be laughing one minute and then he would ask me a question out of the clear blue like "What do you think it will be like?" (Meaning but not saying.. what do I think dying or heaven or the final process itself will be like. AND.. I told him what I thought it would be like.) So I had many sobering moments with him as we got closer to the end. So yeah.. we laughed.. ALOT. But those very moments kept us in "joy" with him for as long as was possible. And now... I can't tell you how much I treasure the memory of those moments in my heart. Like I said we all do this in our own way... and I mean "grieve" in our own way. But while they are still amongst us... for me what worked was making it all about them and what they need of me to help them pass on from this life. My needs I just squeezed in between visits and phone calls. Til they passed... it was ALL about them for me. Once they did pass though... man... yeah then I allowed myself to feel it completely and it hurt deeply... as deeply as we loved each other. And I knew that would come when he was dying.. but I was more concerned about helping him pass peacefully than I was about what I was feeling about his death. I know that may seem odd. But it is what worked for me. Did I mention how hard it was to do that??? One of the hardest things I have ever done. But I wouldn't take a second of it back. I wouldn't do it any differently if I had it to do over again. I loved him so much. And still do. (((((hugs)))))) leeann

Yup a walk is good.... or a holler fest while you are showering... or "telling whoever off" really well while scrubbing a floor or vacuuming or screaming into a pillow.... or punching one....works too..... ANYway to healthily express that anger is fine. Believe it or not... I think you are doing well. Wishing you a great walk! (((((hugs)))) leeann

Thinking of you today Cubby. The missing is for always. But I find it isn't as intense as often, the further out I get from my Mom's passing. I have intense moments of grief still... but they aren't 24/7 anymore, nope.. no where near as often. But I will always miss her and my Dad and I imagine I will always have "those" moments from time to time. About that guilt when you catch yourself feeling a bit better... Maybe it might help to think of your Mom as now happy & well. And knowing she would want you to be happy. I doubt she would ever question your right to happiness. She would want that for you. Our feelings just are... what they are. I find I don't do well if I judge mine. I do better when I just let them be as they are and express them whenever I can. (((((Hugs))))) leeann

Mel maybe this is for the best. A bit of an extra rest and a visit to a Dr. plus some company on the way home... sounds like some good coming out of a real tough situation. I hope the Doc finds out what is up and can help you feel better quickly. In the meantime.... get some rest and relax as much as you can. Keep us posted! (((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))) leeann

Yes.. it was a real hard day. Didn't go as planned and that's.. well... just the way it is. I'll live. It continues to be hard on days like this. And I guess I will always miss her everyday... but it does seem worse on Mother's Day. I was thinking of you all today and was hoping you were faring better than I was... (((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) leeann

Em You are not a failure. You are grieving. It is very common to have guilt during the grief process. I am glad you are seeing a counsellor. I think you will stop blaming yourself and feeling responsible for his death...... exactly when you are ready to. You will put that burden down when you no longer have a need to carry it. And as I have said many times here.. being critical of my grief process made everything worse. So if I were you I would curtail judging yourself or your grief process. Just let it be what it is. ((((((Hugs)))))) leeann

Ok Mel you have them! We'll get ya home.... ((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))) leeann

LOL Ya think? LOL I STILL have trouble "relaxing". Need more practice..... leeann

B's beloved Sister, (((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) I'm so very sorry for your devastating loss. Please... don't be afraid to post anything here. We are here for you.... "no matter what". We're not your sis and never could take her place... but we sure are familiar with what a significant loss can do to a person. We know what it feels like to "do" life without the very one who could help us right now. So please.. feel absolutely free to spill your pain right here. That act has helped so many of us here. And I think you will find, as I have, this community is so very warm and loving. There is NOT much that would surprise or shock any of us... nope, not anymore. So please... Dear B's sister... share your pain. We all I think have learned how very much it can help to share it with others here. Let us know what happened if you feel ready to do that or let us know what you are feeling or thinking. It really does help to share the pain. Let us know how you are doing. We're here for ya. XO leeann

Once after I said I have a hard time just sitting and doing nothing, a wise person told me: "Relaxing IS doing something." Yup. Cricket I'm sure you will add innumerable things to the 'things you have learned' list as you go forward. So many times I have thought about how much I learned via the death of someone close. Makes it easier for me to see the silver lining of losing them. I would clearly be a different person if I hadn't lost loved ones. In many ways grief presented me with gifts. leeann

Mary Linda... Great idea about the book for your gals. I wanted to share another gift idea for those of you that still have your Moms or Dads. For Moms: http://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Legacy-Your-...s/dp/1404113339 (And Mary Alice..... you could slowly fill one out for your kids too. Just do a bit at a time and answer what you are comfortable with now and leave the rest for later. I plan on doing this for our kids.) For Dads: http://www.amazon.com/Fathers-Legacy-Your-...1896&sr=1-1 My sis and I bought these for our folks years ago. My Dad had trouble filling it out.. but.. that was my Dad. He would have had trouble with it. But it was ok.. the few pages he filled out.. I'm grateful to have now. My Mom really took it very seriously and filled almost the entire book out. And we are so happy to have those pages now. Our kids enjoy looking at them too. They are really a Legacy of sorts. I made a copy of both of them and my sis has the originals. Anyway thought I would share that idea. leeann

Thanks for that link Marty... I already read some of them. This one struck me.... http://opentohope.com/hope/dealing-with-gr...ve-years-later/ I could have written much of it myself. HOWever... I had no idea we could force our kids to call us everyday..... WHO knew there WAS such a rule? Whew!... I'm glad to know it. I'm teetering on empty nesting... so this is very good news to me. I'll work on it... But seriously... my Mom IS here in so many ways. Yes her food is on my table... (but don't tell her my hub thinks I do a better job...shhh) Her habits.... yes.... I too just barely touch the sugar spoon into the bowl before I put it in my tea. And I'm thinking the whole time what I used to say out loud to her ,"Why bother?" LOL I also say so many times... "Didja eat??" "Wear a coat!" "If you are not gonna make ________ o'clock, call me." A zillion "Love you's" etc. Nope she hasn't left and my kids will swear to that I'm sure. Shauna... Thanks... You are so sweet.. but I told him NOT to get me pansies this year.... I know... I know that is odd. But my reasoning was..... everytime I went to water those pansies.. I was reminded.... and to be honst.. I want to remember when I WANT to remember and not be forced into it. Does that make any sense? Plus.. I "over watered" them.. and killed them. I stink at watering right. I told him the pansies of the world are begging you NOT to buy them. That is ONE thing I didn't get from my Mom. She was awesome with plants and... clearly... I'm not. But that's ok. She's around me in so many other ways. And I can hear her laughing at me right now (as my son JUST asked me if he could get a tatoo.... oh boy... Maybe I can trade the approval for a tatoo for he MUST call me everyday.....) Pray for me.....LOL leeann

Thought I would bump this thread up .... it IS getting to be that time of the year again. For me.. this year??? Not quite as bad. Things are so busy right now... hub said he was trying to "squeeze in" shopping with the kids... Both of them are so busy right now. I feel like... Ok.. it's Mother's Day.... This is my 3rd without my own Mom here. I have this kinda Blank spot in my head and heart about this holiday. There IS something missing... can't deny it. But.. I'm still a Mom. So??? What to do?? I asked hub point blank what his plans were the other night. He has learned not to "surprise" me much right now. Ya never know when the tears will burst out and run down my face anymore. And I think he would like to avoid that scenario. LOL So he told me his plans and I was feeling like... "It's ok.. I think I can manage that." I'm going to cry at some point over this but I have learned... so what!? I don't care anymore if I cry. Doesn't bother me anymore. If someone has a problem with my tears... that's their problem... not mine. I have learned I will feel whatever I feel and I don't care anymore what those feelings are or when I feel them. And I gotta tell ya.... this is a very liberating feeling. I literally don't care. My grief is what it is. And I will express it when & where I want and that's that. How very rude and self-centered huh? LOL Hey! Don't knock it... it's working for me! How about you all?? XO leeann

(((((((((((((((((Temmie)))))))))))))))) Good to hear from you. I was wondering how you were faring. Such a hard time. I can so identify with what you wrote. It is a lonely - alone- feeling I have alot too. Seems almost unbelievable to feel it.. yet I do... can't deny it. And I have two kids in this house and a husband... yet.. still it is there... nagging me. The most phone calls I get are automated ones from people running for office! It is odd. But I figure maybe that's what my life is like right now for a reason. Don't know what it is... but that's how I am trying to accept it. The "no home" feeling for me isn't quite as intense as it used to be. I still feel it... it just has turned into an dull ache instead of acute pain. These four walls are my home I know.. but it took me some time to say "Goodbye" to my family home in my mind and heart. ANd I doubt I'm done saying that goodbye yet. But it IS better than it was if that gives you any hope. For you it IS different because son is away and really... an adult now. So you have empty nest on top of all of the grief. That is NOT easy. You must be so proud of him though. So bittersweet huh? School... hopefully your formal observation went well yesterday. All you can do is your best. Stay in the day and try hard not worry about tomorrow. All of the organizational issues are so familiar.... I think that is just part & parcel of grief. And hopefully over time those issues will wane off some. I still have a tendency to write everything down.. it just helps me keep somewhat of a grip. And it gives me the 'illusion' of true organization anyway. LOL But heck.. it works! So I will continue to write everything down and make lists and cross things off etc.. I'm glad you can do the summer school and maybe finish your Masters! That would be awesome. And hopefully it will allow you some time to get through some of the stored stuff as well. I know that is weighing on your mind. But all things in good time. You'll get to it.... have some faith in yourself. And... keep an eye on what you already have accomplished! (Look at all you have crossed off on your various To Do lists.) I would try not to compare yourself to others though. I know your co-worker experienced something similiar to you in the abuse dept. but that doesn't mean you two will be the same. Everyone reacts differently to certain traumas and our journeys are all different. But if you think she has it all together.... ask her how she accomplished that. Maybe she has some ideas for ya or maybe... appearances are deceiving and she is not as put together as she seems. Ya never know... she could help you or maybe you may end up helping her! In any event it is something you have in common and maybe can be a bridge to fostering a relationship outside of school. Take time out to invite her to have a coffee or something after school one day maybe. One day once you are dwindling down on the To Do list you can pursue the riding instructions or other maybe riding for yourself! It can happen! Just takes some time is all. In the meantime.... I'm so glad you dropped in to let us know how you are. And please make a habit of it! Together we can combat some of that lonliness and help each other along. (((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))) leeann