leeann

Wow Thanks Mel! You two (and Rascal of course!) had some trips together! I can't imagine all of the miles you have logged! And I enjoyed seeing some of the pics. I will have to go back to read more of the blog. But thanks so much for sharing it with us. And yeah... you did figure it out just fine! I'm so glad you two had so many trips and saw so much together. And look... you're still doing it! ((((((hugs))))))) leeann

Amanda (((Hugs))) It's ok... and I'm so glad you found us. And what you say makes absolute sense. Sure.. you are used to this sadness... the sadness has become what you have held onto of Chad. We all do that. I did it too. But then I realized.... there's LOADS more of warm memories that I would prefer to hold on to as well. And I began to see that I felt better when I focused on other memories. And... I wanted to feel better. It took time to "want" that though. And.. really you have just began your grief journey so... be patient with yourself. You too will indeed want to feel better. You too will see & begin to focus onthe other wonderful blessings Chad was to you in your life. And... in my belief... I don't think he is gone. Your love for one another was very special and that didn't die. That still lives. Only Chad's body isn't here anymore.... but the rest of him resides within you as it always did. I don't know.. but maybe since you kept much of this to yourself for so long.... it feels a bit scary to get it out in the open. I would think that's kinda normal. But now you are dong all the right things for yourself... You are sharing this loss with us. And also sharing truly a beautiful relationship that you experienced. Thanks for that... because I know for me... I always love to hear about these special connections human beings are capable of. ANd you and Chad were certainly what I would call special. He was a blessing in your life while he was here in body. But his spirit, in my opinion, is still with you. And perhaps if you asked him to help you ... I'll bet he would... He was such a good friend. I'm sure he can help you walk this grief journey. Why not ask him? In the meantime... please know that you will proceed on this at your own pace and grieve in your own way & time. We're here to help you in any way we can. So keep us posted. And you will... someday... move forward ... exactly when you are ready. leeann

(((((Mel))))) Hugs for you. I know today was real hard for you... but you DID it! Hope having the pup was some comfort. And look how far you have already come now! You are nearly to your goal. Prayers will be covering you the rest of the way. Let sleep take you away tonight and give you some good rest. leeann

Cricket great idea to take some time off of work. It's wonderful to be able to do that... so I agree.. if you can... definitely do that. Lack of concentration.... that's typical too. Heck I still have some of that... but to be fair.. some of it could just be from being a woman of a 'certain' age or a Mom of teenagers. lol But I know in the beginning... I had to write down everything.... literally. (And I still do that!) Yeah I don't think there is a "particular" order for any of the stages. We are all different and believe it or not... how we go through them can change with each loss we experience. I'm glad your Mom is "bouyant" at the moment. Don't assume though that she just wants to collapse. (Remember what I told ya before.. watch making assumptions). Sometimes initially survivors may experience a "relief" that the dying process has come to an end. But for whatever reason she is feeling that way.... you won't really know until you ask. Her wanting to "collapse" may not come til later.. or at all. Just depends on the person. And I also think you are very wise to go ahead and renew that lease. Moving is stressful.. and looks like your plate is a teensy full in that department right now. So if you can hold off on that for a bit... probably a good idea. Try to get some decent rest in on your days off. ((((((Hugs))))))) leeann

Wow it's lovely Mel. Thanks for showing us! Tomorrow.... TX.... You won't be alone.... (((((((((Hugs))))))))) leeann

Yup.. unfortunately.... feeling absolutely raw in every way is "normal" for now. And yup.... wanting to just lay down.. and forget the whole thing is kinda "normal" too. In two words?? It stinks. And it is supposed to... unfortunately... It's the nature of this grief beast. It won't feel THIS bad forever hon... hold on to that. (((((((hugs))))))) leeann

Mel.. try Google Maps instead. I gave up trying to use Mapquest awhile ago. (But maybe I'm not all that patient.. lol) But I usually get great directions and info from Google Maps. Plus it allows you to change routes (like a different highway or the back roads instead.. type thing) and then pops out the new directions & milage instantly. Glad you are going easy today. I never sleep well for the 1st couple nights in a new place..and since you are not staying in one place more than a night or two... I can perfectly understand not sleeping well at all. That's kind of expected I would think. But just continue at a pace that works for you. Make adjustments when you need to. No big deal. Flexibility has been sorta built into your trip by you.... so... use it. (((((((((((((Mel)))))))))))))) leeann (And Boo.. I have to write almost EVERYthing down nowadays... My brain just isn't what it used to be. So don't feel bad. I figure that's why someone invented calendars & planners... etc. )

Oh Cricket I know. The getting back into the regular daily routine after losing someone so near & dear is horrendous. And our society expects it to happen in 3-5 days. Please! I don't think ANY of us are "ready" in such a short time. But...??? We have to do what we have to do. But I also don't think it is good to isolate too much afterwards either. Cricket.. I have learned.. it's a balance that I must shoot for. Some alone & down time mixed with interaction with and helping others. I know about the tendency to want to stay away from others and isolate a bit. I did that too after I lost both of my parents. When we lost Dad... I wanted to help my Mom but I also wanted to crawl up in a ball and lick my wounds.. by MYself. I didn't get too much of an opportunity to do that at first though. (Later on?? Sure.. I did get that time.) I think the fact that I was a wife and Mom helped & hurt me. I had to get moving back into the kid's activities etc virtually the next day. And I still had to do the mundane but necessary laundry and grocery shopping... etc. So I was busy but limping badly through it all. Yeah.. it wasn't pretty.. but I got the stuff done that absolutely needed to be done. Then.. there was Mom. The first weeks.. we talked on the phone.. everyday.. sometimes more than once. She had questions.. or she would ask if I could do some phone calls or other things for her. And some of those I could have done from home for sure. The week after we buried Dad was busy. I went down to Mom's house probably... 3 out of the 5 days. But mostly that was so we could kinda "organize" what needed to be done. Thinking back... I could have done much of that over the phone if I had to. And I ended up taking some of the Thank You's home with me. We split the remaining ones up between the two of us. (Sis had taken some also to do when she returned back to her home out of state as well). That first week I think I went down so much because I was concerned for Mom and how she was. She didn't balk at me coming down... and she normally would have told me I was doing too much running around. But that week?? She let me pamper her a bit. The next week though??? I got the "You are doing too much running around." LOL So.. I think I only went down once during the week and then on the weekend. From there on out... it was mostly only on the weekends that we went down to her. And then I got more wound licking time to myself. So.. Cricket ... we are all different. But if you sense Mom is wanting you to come down... why not flat out ask her what she needs... when she would like to see you.. what she is concerned about etc. And then work out something that works for the two of you. If she has NO idea when you are coming.. she may end up feeling worse. But if she knows.. you will be down on the weekend or any other definite time.. she may feel reassured. And call her... sometimes a call is almost as good as a visit. But establishing when you will go down to see her might make things easier for both of you. You will know that you have "x" amount of time to yourself and also that you can be around Mom for a bit to help her along. It is definite then.. and things being firm may allow you to relax knowing your need to be alone is balanced with helping Mom and being out with others for a bit. Also after the first week... I was thinking it might be good for Mom to get out of her own house.... So.. I invited her up to our house and she did come and I could tell it was good for her. She enjoyed it I think as much as anyone can "enjoy" things that soon after losing someone. But I think our kids & getting out from her own four walls were a decent distraction & good break for her. (And having her up and just having a day of NOT thinking about death or funerals or estate business for a day at least.. was a good and sorely needed break for me too.) So in the back of your mind maybe think of some light and simple thing you two can do out.. like get her out of her house for a bit. Not long now... just a quick walk or a lunch out at a simple place or have her to your place.. etc. And then when you sense she may need that... you can go ahead and present your invitation. We settled into a semi routine after the first couple weeks after Dad passed. But it took lots of good & clear communication on both of our parts. I had to tell her when I wasn't up to coming down and then choose a time when I thought I would be able to. (I have a chronic illness and really at times need to watch how I expend my energy. And more than once I showed up at her house only to be met with a wagging finger and "You should get more rest." LOL Course... she was probably right. LOL) But.. it was hard for her too to get that "balance" too. She had to be able to tell me what she needed and any help she needed as well. If it was up to her.. she thought she could do EVERYthing herself. Which.. really wasn't realistic or even possible. (Mom asking for help... ha ha ... THAT was difficult for her and I had to gently prod her a bit over that. It was tough for Mom to accept that she needed help with some things... but she ended up letting me know after MUCH reassurance from me (and my hub) that it was OK to need and ask for our help.) So it just took some clear communication... making little to no assumptions about each other..and some patience and we managed ok. I remember once after one of my cousins lost their wife.... His adult daughters kinda moved in with him for the week after their Mom passed and right through the funeral. A day or two after the funeral he out and out told them, "Girls.. you are loving me TOO much. I love you too... but you need to go home." LOL The girls then laughed and saw that he just needed some alone time.. and packed up their stuff and left. Everyone is different. None of us have "done" this before.. so we make mistakes. But it really isn't making mistakes so much as making adjustments. And I'm sure you will in time find the balance between alone time and time spent with Mom or others. I will admit though.... in the very beginning... I mostly spent time with my family and my Mom. I really didn't want too much contact with anyone I wasn't very close to. And that I think was true for quite a while... likes weeks & months. I think that's kinda normal. We are vulnerable and hurting.... so we kinda just want to spend time with those we trust & love the most. Go easy.. you will find a balance Cricket.... And of course we're here to help too. ((((((Hugs)))))) leeann

Nicole hon.... NO ONE can take your Mom's place. That's a fact. Take it to the bank. And this woman who your Dad is going to marry.. knows this.... acutely.... probably. She is probably NOT looking to take her place at all. Her role is different than your Mom's was. She is "step Mom" but primarily...your Dad's wife... not "Mom". It is weird to have your Dad's partner not be your Mom for you ... no doubt. But she isn't ..... never will be. She's always going to be the woman your dad loves as his partner. Your Dad's relationship with your Mom was precious and also different than his relationship with this new woman. It isn't really something you can compare. Your dear Mom will always be your mother. But .... Dad has found someone else to be his partner and that doesn't change the fact that your Mom will always be your Mom. The fact that your Dad pushed his wedding back tells you... he KNOWS this is hard for you. It's hard for him too on some level. Dad and your Mom probably had conversations about what they would do if either of them passed. Trust me.. most couples talk about this at one time or another. My hub and I have talked about it and in our case we both have reassured the other that if either of us met someone else.. to go right ahead and marry them if that's what seemed right. PLUS your Dad knew your Mom better than any other human on the planet. He feels ok about accepting a new spouse into his life. And that's BIG. Dad feels ok about it. So don't let this throw ya. But that spouse and your Mom are two entirely different people. Your Mom is your Mother.... and always will be. Your Step Mom will have a place in your heart too. A separate place than your Mom's place. And I bet your heart is big enough for both. I believe people come into our lives for a reason. Perhaps this woman is truly a gift for you as well as your Dad. You never know... (And I can't help but feel grateful that you will indeed have a female in your life.. sure.. she isn't "Mom" but she will hopefully be an additional blessing in your life.) But this new woman.. has nothing to do with your Mom. That is an entirely different situation and relationship. Try not to be so rough on yourself. You will adjust to Dad's new love and be able to accept this woman in your life. Just may take some time and some thinking on your part. But.. at the end of the day.... what do you think your Mom would say and want for you and your Dad?? Think about that... maybe... I'm sure you will find some comfort and guidance there. (((((hugs))))) leeann

Well say "Hello" to nowhere Arkansas for me! And I'm glad you are making it a short day tomorrow. You will have many kindred souls around you in OK city. We just passed the 14th Anniversary of the OK city bombing.... So know there are many around you there who know your pain. Sometimes I find it comforting to know... that.. others "know" what this is like. Hope it brings you some measure of comfort too. Crossing the Mississippi..... ((((hugs)))) I know that was tough.. but.. you DID it! And he was with you! NO doubt about it. So you lost it??? You are still doing it Mel! Pet the poochy from us all and imagine our arms around ya as you go! Deborah is right... you should be RIGHT proud of yourself.. (not just regular proud) for doing what you have already done! 1000 miles down...... only about a little more than half that to go hon! You are making it just fine! Tomorrow looks to be a sunny & warm day for you there in OK city and I hope it is relaxing a bit for you too. (((((((((((((Mel))))))))))))) leeann

How you doing Mel??? Got you close in thought and prayer. (((((((Hugs)))))) leeann

Becky... I can relate. Feeling alone.... yeah I know that feeling all too well. And I too miss them enjoying Spring and being out in the yard.... I even miss the yardwork.. (You know it's bad when you miss yard work... ) The pettiness going on with your sibs... can't say I had to deal with that.. but there are others here who do know all about that... unfortunately. So hopefully one of them will pop in here. But the pain.. I have learned... I must just let it hit me..like a wave. If I fight it... it's worse. So I try to just go with it and feel and express it. But you have a found a place where you can express it.... right here. And I'm so glad you *did* find us.. but ever so sorry you had to. Anniversaries.... I have found that the anticipation of them is kinda worse than the actual day. And I have learned.. whatever I feel then or before or after... is simply "OK". I figure the day will be whatever it is. And I have dealt with everything so far.. so I guess I can deal with that too. For sure though... we'll be here for ya. So you won't be and aren't alone. (((((((hugs))))))) leeann

((((((((((Shelley))))))))

Well a rainbow..... Ya can't get ANY better than that! Awesome! I would have cried too. ((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))) I'm so proud of ya...and I bet he is too. XO leeann

((((((((((Mel))))))))) Got ya covered. Hope into OK is a bit better for ya. Try to get on your puter to scope out a few options at different points for hotels/motels that take pups. This way you have more options and maybe won't end up as tired. I'll pray you can easily find somewhere to rest for the remainder... You are doing great!!! And I can't tell you how much of an inspiration you are to us all! Pet the pup for us! leeann

Oh Cricket I know.. it's just exhausting and what's worse is one is usually feeling very exhausted before those 3 hours even start! I remember not having my butt hit a chair at all for hours after my Mom passed. Kept thinking "Why did I wear these shoes?!" Just utterly weary once it was over.. like way beyond tired. So make sure your Mom is catching a nap at least for a few days or hitting the sack early. 3 hours is crazy really. I kinda like the Jewish traditions more. Sitting shiva is a bit more reasonable. It's spread out over days and one can go lay down for a bit without feeling totally guilty about it. The Thank Yous can wait a bit... don't push it now. You're all exhausted. Plenty of time for that. Plus when you do start them... just do a few at a time until the next day. I found spreading that job out makes it more tolerable. And by all means... if folks offered help... definitely call them or urge Mom to call them when she needs some help. If she doesn't have anyone yet to take care of the lawn.... look into that for her.. at least temporarily. I mean she may want to do that herself.. but for right now.. it would be nice if someone else could do it for her for the 1st couple mows etc... At least til she recovers a bit. And YOU.... go as easy as you can. I know you are concerned about Mom and probably will be helping her... but keep yourself as well rested as you can. Don't forget to eat... go to bed early... and just let your feelings be whatever they are. Don't judge them. If you have some emotions wellling up.....let the tears rip because they themselves are healing. As far as helping Mom... kinda let her take the lead on what she wants to do & when. And just be around to help with whatever she wants help with. Some things my Mom wanted to do on her own and with others she preferred some help. So keep your communication lines as open as you can and I'm sure you'll do fine. Keep us posted on how you are doing. (((((Hugs))))) leeann

Sissy I believe that too. And I'm so glad you get so much comfort from this song and thanks for sharing it with us. Here, in case someone wants to hear it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1eLe52EH8k (((((hugs)))))) leeann

Cricket hope you fared ok during the Memorial Service. I know it can be a real rough day. Now maybe ... take some time to rest... pamper yourself a bit. The rituals are now over... and so the grieving begins. We are here for you. (((((((Hugs)))))))) leeann

Exactly Kath.. I agree. No way Em.. you didn't cause this. In my opinion.. that simply isn't possible. I don't wanna burst your bubble or anything.. but I just don't think we, as individuals, are powerful enough to "cause" the death of our loved ones..... And also....I don't believe God is like the Host on "Deal or No Deal". I don't think life and eternal life works that way. I choose to believe differently. I have never "prayed" for a sign. They usually happen when my heart is open and my mind is wandering. lol Sounds silly.. but it's true. I have "asked" for them from my loved ones on rare occasions.. but I never expect something. I just keep an open mind and heart.. and I figure if it happens.. it was supposed to. And if it doesn't happen... I figure it wasn't supposed to. I have a real firm grip on how very insignificant I am in comparison to The One who is All. I know though, He (she, it.. whatever your belief is) loves me as if I was THE only human on this planet. And I know He has a plan for me and all of my loved ones. And in that plan is the length of my journey here. When my time is done here... He'll be there... to embrace me and welcome me "there". But His love is infinite.. it surpasses time and space and all things that I can imagine and loads of things I can't imagine. Nope.. I don't buy that there are "bargains" with God. I don't make any with Him. As someone once told me... my "salvation" (or my ticket to the after life) was purchased FOR me on Good Friday a bit over 2000 yrs ago. I can't earn it. It's already been bought FOR me. And there is nothing I can do to "earn" it. It is already bought & paid for. All I have to do in return is love and have faith. And when I'm hurting and missing my loved ones terribly...it helps me to recall.... those two small words from the Bible. "Jesus wept." I know HE knows the pain I'm in. He expereinced the pain of loss and He cried too. So that's my affirmation that the pain I'm in is "normal" and I'm supposed to feel it. There isn't anything "wrong"..... I'm supposed to hurt. I'm supposed to walk this particular grief journey at this particular time. And my hope is to keep my heart, mind & soul open to learn all I can while I'm on this path. I know... everyone's faith is individual. (And I beleive we all walk our own Faith journeys.. and I can't say MINE is right and yours is wrong. Mine is right for me.. and yours is right for you.) These are just some of the things I believe in. You must determine yourself what your faith is and how it works for you. And you must reconcile your beliefs with what you feel & think and I must do the same. I believe our grief is just a small part of our journey here.... and I wish you a blessed one. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) leeann

Em John Edward himself says we should be cynical. And I was.... very. And I think he is right. There are an awful lot of people out there claiming a "gift" that really don't have it. JE's books were the 1st I picked up just because he said we should be cynical. Like he was giving me permission to think he was full of you know what. So I picked his 1st book up. And once I began reading it... and I saw... instance after instance of people connecting on some level..well..slowly I began to understand that this ADC was more than possible. There was simply no other explanation for many things in his book. And also... I began to look at what I myself had experienced and saw.. there really wasn't any other way to explain these things. It couldn't have been a coincidence. It wasn't me just wanting to hear from them so badly... because the vast majority of the times I was experiencing these things... I wasn't LOOKING to experience them. They just happened on their own without me at times even thinking about it.. until they happened. My heart began to open to the possibility that ADC exists. And yes I then also realized if I was to experience any ADC... I would kinda have to be open to it. But I was very reserved....and I was kinda demanding as well. LOL For example: "Dad.. if that's you.. do.. this________." And lo and behold... in front of my eyes... it would happen. And I began to get more demanding... "Dad do this_______ by.. tomorrow afternoon." And again... it happened. Still... I held off judgement... (Poor Dad was probably getting exasperated with me! LOL) I just had that "wow... maybe...???? this can happen." feeling inside. Like I was a bit stunned by the possibilty. Not like "WOW!!!! My Dad is talking to me!!!!!! I was a bit in awe and cautiously optimistic. Then I tried it with others who had passed.... and some I got some contact and with others I didn't. But probably what nailed my acceptance of this and opened my eyes and heart to the existence of ADC's was when someone I didn't lose "came" to me. Look Em.. I'm going to share this here and I know I'm risking you and everyone else who reads this thinking I'm a total nut case.. but I will share it because I think... it would help you. It was a woman I had never met. The Mother of a friend who had passed away when my friend was a teenager. And I didn't even know my friend then. I only met her more than 20 years after her Mom had passed. This friend and I have daughter's the same age. We were attending their lil Spring Choral concert... they were in 1st or 2nd grade then. The place was packed... parents, siblings & grandparents squeezed into this cafeteria with a stage.. wall to wall people and definitely standing room only. I was standing up in the back of the room as there were no seats left. I saw my friend, her husband, her son, her Dad and her step Mom. We waved. Then just as the concert was beginning... people were quieting down... I turned around to see if my husband was able to get a good camera angle. I saw the folks who were standing behind me and around me. I saw my hub perched on a chair.. camera in hand. As I turned back around I heard someone in my right ear loudly whisper "Tell her I was here." I turned to my right instantly and there is this big tall man standing there just looking straight ahead at the stage. I turned all the way around and saw... there was NO ONE who could have whispered that in my ear. And then I kinda stunned tunred back around thinkng I was probably losing my mind. I attempted, for a split second to pay attention to the stage.. but now I was completely distracted with finding this person who had whispered in my ear. I kept glancing around quickly to see if a woman was moving away from me in the crowd... but no one was moving. We were all just standing waiting for the concert to begin. THEN the thought that this was someone who had passed that was speaking to me popped into my head. Why that popped into my head.. I have no idea. But it did. So... red faced and heart pounding, goosebumped & every hair standing on end... I asked this "person" in my head, "Who do you want me to tell that you are here?" And I immediately turned to my left and saw my friend and her family. Why I turned that way.. I don't know. But I did. My eyes fell upon her Step Mom (because she had said tell "her" I was here.. so I was looking for a woman I thought) and the voice again spoke and said "Uh.. Noooooo." So I just began to look further down the aisle next to the step Mom and the next woman was my friend.... And I asked the voice in my head... "Her?" And the voice said "Yes.. tell her I was here." And instinctively I said again in my head, "Ok, I'll tell her." And then I felt like the "person" had left... like all the hairs that had been standing on end.. weren't anymore. I asked in my head if they were still there and got no response. No more whispers in my ear. The concert began and I'm totally distracted by this... "Who could this woman have been?" HOW on earth do I tell ANYone ... out loud.. that I "heard a voice" from someone who wasn't physically there? They will think me nuts. Then I started to remember how the voice sounded... it was a strong whisper... but the inflection was somehow familiar to me when she said "Uh..Nooooo" and then it hit me.. that my friend does indeed use that intonation when something is obviously not right herself! And then I had the thought.. it must be her Mom! Well great! Now I know who it was that spoke to me.. but still... HOW do I tell my friend this?? How??? She will think me crazy for one. For two.. I desperately didn't want to hurt her. I felt like.. 'Ok.. think about this later and watch the concert already!' It took me two days to even tell my husband that this happened. And that was only because he saw me acting so distracted for two days and was kinda badgering me a bit to see what was wrong. So I tell him. And he's quiet for a minute and then says.."So.. when are you going to tell her?" Like this was a some simple phone message I had to pass along! I coulda smacked him! LOL I told him what my concerns were about telling her. He understood but said "But you told this voice you would tell her." And that was what was weighing on my mind the most. I had kinda promised something I wasn't delivering. So I did the only thing I knew to do... I prayed about it. Asked for the enlightenment of whether I should deliver the message or not & if I was supposed to... the strength & correct timing to deliver the message. I just had faith that I somehow would know what to do and when to do it. And I tried hard to not think about it too much. About two weeks after the concert as I was waiting to pick up my daughter from school.. I saw my friend and immediately got the feeling I should tell her and I should tell her that day. So all the kids came out and us Moms were all gabbing away while the kids played in the school yard. And eventually all the Moms and kids left except for my friend and I. I felt myself wanting to just run away ... I was so afraid to tell her. But I knew somewhere deep within me I had to. So..I asked her forgiveness before I even started and told her for sure she would think me out of my mind. But I must tell her something. She turned to me immediately sensing the seriousness and told me.. she would never think me crazy and to go ahead. So I told her what happened at the concert. I toldher everything.... how the voice sounded and what the voice has said. Her eyes welled up immediately and then we were both quiet for a minute. Then she began to tell me how much she had been missing her mom the day of the concert. That she had had a grief burst that afternoon beforehand and was hoping somehow her mom would see the concert. Well it was my turn to well up. We were both just quietly awed by this for a minute. Then she shared that she had a few times "felt" her Mom's presence around her in her kitchen at home. Especially during times when she was kinda missing her mom... like when her own kids were both really sick and she was missing her Mom's advice etc... Well that's a moment I won't ever forget. And I think it was a very important moment in my journey here. So... Em... I don't know what else to tell ya.. but I know.. like I know the sun rises in the East.... that they can communicate with us. I have no doubts anymore. Sure I'm still skeptical when I hear about Mediums and such.. and I look with a clear eye those type of experiences. Some Mediums I have come to believe actually do possess that gift. Others??? I dunno. But I still have the knowledge within me that certain folks have the gift for sure. My heart remains open and the more open it is..I find... the more I experience. I just know, without doubt, that the possibility for ADC exists. I don't go looking for it ..... it finds me. (((((Hugs))))) leeann

((((((((Cricket)))))))) Holding you close in prayer and thought. leeann

Oh Em your feelings are so familiar to me.... I think we ALL feel like we can't/don't want to go on at times. And we just get tired of not seeing them... not getting hugged by them.. not being able to just sit across the kitchen table from them. This IS hard.. real hard. We are literally walking through each day completely differently. We haven't "done" life without them with us before. We are terribly new at this and everything feels so raw. And yes I have gotten tired of the pain of loss itself. It's hard to manage this pain... everyday.. all the time... 24/7.. 365. But then I think... what choice do I have?? I must go on. So I keep going... just holding on to the facts that this will eventually get a bit easier, the pain will get a bit less intense at times or I will adjust to the weight of this loss and to them no longer being physical present. I'll get better at life without them physically here.. eventually. And so will you. You want to know where he is??? I kinda knew where my folks "went" as much as anyone who has learned & practiced a faith... but.. that wasn't enough for me... Like dear Annie O......I had to read about people who had passed and were able to connect with their loved ones here.. either on their own or with the help of gifted and true mediums. That's ALL I read about in the first months after losing each of my parents. I read these books and they helped me. I'll share some of them with you. Books by: John Edward: http://johnedwardproduct.com/shop/searchre...dTypeList=Books Books by James VanPraagh: HELLO FROM HEAVEN TALKING TO HEAVEN: A Medium's Message of Life After Death GHOSTS AMONG US: Uncovering the Truth About the Other Side Now sure.. not everyone "believes" this stuff. But I must tell you.. I WAS skeptical right up until I had some experiences myself with loved ones that had passed away that were literally unexplainable any other way.. except that they were actually communicating with me. And after that... I began to read and read and read about After Death Communication. It just reassures me that truly "Love Never Dies" and my folks aren't "gone"; just their bodies have ceased to exist. They.. the essence of them, in my mind & thinking.... are STILL very much alive. And literally.. that knowledge helps me keep moving on through my life's journey. Other things I learned to help me keep moving forward: Just because we are feeling pain... doesn't mean there is something "wrong". I had to learn that. Usually when we feel pain this intense... it indicates something is "wrong". But with death & grief.. I had to learn... PAIN is "normal" and a gift in a way. The gift?? I wouldn't hurt so badly if I hadn't been loved so well or loved in return. So I had to adjust to living IN pain for awhile. Em... this is HARD. I know it. It's hard to look for some glimmer of something to look forward to. Its hard to keep engaging in life when sometimes all I want to think about is death. It's hard to particpate IN daily life... when all I want to do sometimes is .. join them. But I keep telling myself.... What would Dad & Mom expect of me? They would expect that I would try my best... and so I do. I'm limping and falling and getting back up again to limp forward some more.. but I'm doing the best I can. And that's ALL anyone ... including myself.. can & should expect. (I can be my own worst enemy sometimes.) Em... from ALL I have read, learned & experienced... I believe your Dad is still with you.... Just no longer in physical form. His spirit is alive and well.... and I pray that you feel him, sense him around you much stronger as you move forward. (((((((((Hugs))))))))) leeann

My sis was great through the loss of both of my parents. So I'm quite blessed there. But I have seen other extended family members dealing with something like you are now. I will tell you what I told them... Your grief is your own and theirs is theirs. Everyone is different because your inidividual relationships to the one who passed are different. No use comparing.... just focus on your own grief, feelings and expressing those and experience the final rituals in a way that you need. Just remember... everyone processes & expresses their grief & feelings differently. And that's ok. Just try real hard not to compare your grief to anyone else's or anyone else's grief to yours. I found comparing my grief with others' to be counterproductive and made me feel worse. (And that is still true today.. I still must guard against that.) My grief is mine. I don't expect my sis or anyone else to feel the same as I do and I don't expect them to feel exactly as I do. Focus on you and your Dad and the love you shared while he was here and the love he still feels for you and you for him. Your sister's actions or behaviors are not yours and will only impact you as much as you let them. Sure she may not do things in a way that you would.. but.. that is NO reflection on you or your parents. Her behaviors and grief are ALL hers and yours are yours. If you need to ask a cousin, close friend or someone else to do some of the things with your sis that you find difficult... that's fine. And when you are with her... just try to think.. "what would Dad want?" And if the need arises... gently remind her of that. And of course.. come here and vent all you want. (((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))) I'll be thinking of you as we get closer to Friday and know.. that day, I'll be holding you especially tight. leeann

Thinking of you Teny and sending my prayers & love to you to help you get through today. (((((Hugs))))) leeann

Mel we got you hon.... I have it marked on me calendar.... My cyber arms are open and holding you... Bring some great music for the car.... and make sure you sing loudly!!!! Your pup will be ever so appreciative! (((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) leeann