leeann

I'm so sorry to hear of your devastating loss. Yes, I agree, In My Opinion, he is a casualty of war. On behalf of a grateful nation, this ((((((((Hug)))))))) is presented to you as a token of appreciation for your loved one's honorable and faithful service. It isn't much but a hug is all I can do here from cyber space. I'm more sorry than I can say. All deaths are tough to heal from. However healing from deaths through suicide has it's own particular challenges. And healing from the suicide of a Veteran is a very unique journey. And no doubt you are questioning whether or not you could have/should have done more to prevent it. Many, many folks in your position have questioned themselves on that as well. But the truth is... you are not responsible. His pain was simply so great that he thought only death could relieve it. I was hunting around and found an organization that helps folks in your position. It is called TAPS. (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) I found it on The Coalition For Iraq & Afghanistan Veterans (CIAV) website. http://coalitionforveterans.org/2009/02/ta...one-by-suicide/ I just wanted to make you aware of the existence of these two organizations and hope you can get some help & support from them as well. Sure I'm glad you found us here but your loss is so very unique. I think you would be helped greatly by connecting with others who have experienced the same type of loss. There is another organization devoted to helping those who have survived the loss of a loved one through suicide. It is called Survivors of Suicide (SOS). Here is their site: http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/ On their homepage they have a tab that lists a National Directory of SOS support groups. Perhaps there is one near to you. Here.. check it out: http://www.suicidology.org/web/guest/support-group-directory Just click on the initials of your state to find one. There are many things we have in common as we grieve so please feel free to come back and share your feelings here. I just wanted you to have access to more specific help if that's what you think might help you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. leeann

Also this page: http://www.socialsecurity.gov/pubs/deathbenefits.htm Sorry if I'm throwing info at you that you already have. (((((hugs))))) leeann

Timeless I'm so sorry. ((((((Hugs))))) I tried looking up some info for you. Have you seen this page? http://www.ssa.gov/pgm/links_survivor.htm I hope that site may be able to guide you somewhat anyway. And I sure hope your son is feeling better real soon. I'll be thinking of you. leeann

Who says it isn't a healthy approach?? For you.. it might be the exact right thing for right now. Cricket.. (((((hugs)))) We all do this at our own pace and in our own time and way. There are no "rules". We all have enough to deal with in the beginning... I don't think we need to add self criticism onto the pile. So...try to relax a bit about how you are doing. I truly think you are doing the best you can right now. YES... you are human and I know you feel badly about it losing it with that student... but... just do what you think is best in regards to that student.. and then.. move on past it. You ARE only human. (And ya never know... you may be helping him in some way to mature a bit.. so please don't beat yourself up over that.) I agree.. there IS no area of our lives that remains "untouched" by our losses. It gets into every nook and cranny. It's like fog... it whispers into everything. You ARE "dealing" with your loss. Just remember dealing with it involves simply waking up each day and breathing. You are feeling it. HOWever.... Maybe you might want to express it a bit more, is all. And writing to us here is a good expression of it but perhaps you need to express your pain a bit more than you are. I know I found if I wasn't expressing it enough (for me.. tears mostly but sometimes music,, screaming in the shower.... etc) I began "losing it" in other areas of my life and people "caught" my lack of expression in outbursts etc.... If I didn't take time out to express what I was feeling... what I was feeling came out ALL on it's own when & where I least expected it and didn't want it to. Then I'd have to apologzie and start to express it more on my own. I had to learn... tears are healing...not a weakness. I also expressed my pain in conversations with my loved one that passed. I'd tell them what was going on.... how I felt.... and tried to "listen" to hear what they would say. I had to "make" time for myself to just allow what I was feeling inside..... out. So right now.... what would your Dad do if he was standing in front of you? What would he say? (I'm guessing.. but I bet a hug would be one of the 1st things...) Let him do it and let him say it. He's still right there... just doesn't have that body that wasn't working anymore anyway, to walk around in. Otherwise... the rest of him is right there. Let him help you Cricket. This is a hard time no question. But I found being hard on myself, only made things worse. So try not to judge you or your grief. You are doing the best you can and that's all anyone can ask. I promise you it won't feel this awful forever... better days are indeed coming. Hang on to that. (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) We're here for ya. leeann

Happy Birthday Wendy!!! And many happy returns of the day! Wishing you a year filled with blessings! leeann

Teny ((((Hugs)))) for you. I think it would be kind of natural for you to be pondering your own mortality right now. I am guessing.. but I imagine I would feel a bit adrift myself if I had lost my husband and my parent. We have very strong attachments and love bonds with our parents and our spouses. And I think when they pass... it sets up to feel like we are walking on totally new ground we've never seen before. I know I felt lost too and I just lost my parents! The book of your life isn't finished yet Teny. For some reason... you are here with your children and grandchildren. You must still have things to do here. But I'm thinking about your Mom..... do you think she felt as you do now? What will my Chapters be like? I'm sure she wondered too. So I think what you are feeling is a natural thing. Think about how you added to her book. I'm sure you did. You were important to her and she to you. You were in her pages.... And now your children and grandchildren are in your book. They are sprinkled about on your pages. But for me the Book of our lives is just that. It is different than a novel..... The ending isn't as important... The story itself.. not how it ends.... is what is important. So fill up your pages with abandon Teny! All of our books are intertwined.... your plot spills into your loved one's, your children's and also your grandchildren's as well as theirs spill into yours. And that's what makes these books so hard to put down... It's the "story" of our lives.... not our deaths. (((((Hugs))))) leeann

((((((((((((((((Annie))))))))))))) SO happy the trees are budding!!! leeann

Bec Welcome! I'm sorry to hear of the sudden loss of your Dad. I know 3 years may seem like a long time.... but I know it doesn't always seem so long ago to me. Well sometimes it seems like last month... and other times it seems like it was 20 years ago... ya know? But what you are doing.. rebuilding a life....sure isn't easy. When I read your post, I thought maybe joining an organization of some sort or volunteering somewhere with something that you feel strongly about might help. Or even a part time job.. if you can find one ... I know that isn't easy in these times though. But getting "out there" in some new way to tip-toe back into life may help. What are you passionate about? What means alot to you? What are you interested in? Maybe finding somewhere that you can share that interest and passion with others may allow you to make new friends more easily. It is very hard to adjust to life without someone we are so close with. You were able to share everything with your Dad and now you feel there is no one else you can share on that level with. Well.. no one will ever take your Dad's place.. true. But it seems like you have plenty of room in your heart for new people. And I have found that once I follow my interests.. I usually meet new people I have much in common with. It IS a bit scary for all of us to step back into life... I think because once we lose someone... we are feeling so very vulnerable. But what is great is now you are feeling like you are healed enough from your loss to engage in new relationships! That is a great sign. But sure... I think everyone is a bit timid at first. But someone once told me, courage is doing things anyway even when we are scared. So if you are feeling nervous about joining a group or attending some events.. I think ANYone would feel that way. So don't worry. Another idea I thought of was perhaps joining a grief group at a local hospice or at a local hospital. That may help you too. You have been down the grief path for a bit... but it is always nice to be with others who are quite familiar with some of the hills, valleys, vistas and bends along that path. And there is a place where you can share with people on a more intimate level. So perhaps look in your area phone book for Hospice and give them a call to ask about any group meetings they may have. If they don't have any they may be able to steer you to someone or someplace who does. And of course feel free to share here with us. We're here for you too! leeann

Heather I'm so sorry about the loss of your beloved Dad. We all can identify with what you are feeling and are.. unfortunately... very familiar with those feelings. Those final images of him... many of us have found that they will eventually fade and be replaced by warm memories of happier times. So the fact that those images are there... is kinda normal, but they will fade over time. However if you think you are having "too much" trouble shedding those images.. by all means.. call your Doc and let them know what is going on with you. (I had some PTSD after I found my Mom and I needed to take an anti-anxiety med and I needed some Ambein as well to help me sleep... but only for a couple months. And both of those helped me through a very tough time. There is NO shame in getting some help from one's Doc... so don't hesitate to call your Doc or go in to see him/her.) This is painful no two ways about it. It is going to hurt when we lose our parents.... and you are feeling it right now so keenly. We all did in the early days. So if it is any consolation to you... we have felt that pain and we survived it. The love you and Dad shared is probably why this hurts so very much. I think it helped me to read the posts here very much. So keep reading and also keep us posted on how you are doing. ((((hugs)))) leeann

(((((((Wendy)))))))) leeann

I know my losses are different but I must say thanks for sharing that Phyllis. And here I thought I was the only one crying while doing yardwork this weekend..... so thanks.. Hey Boo.... I'm NOT too wild about spiders either.... But I had an idea... maybe you could "spray" the zone (Hammer's area) you want to work on first & wait a bit...so any spiders in that area will not be around when you are working??? Just a thought. (A thought that any fellow disliker of spiders would have... probably..... hopefully... Well that's my story and I'm sticking to it!) Thanks Ladies leeann

Mich I'm so sorry to hear about your dear Mom. It's hard... real hard. And I know that Annie is right.... those last awful days... those images.. don't worry; I too have found they DO fade and are replaced by more happy images and memories. But I know what you mean... certain things just stuck in my brain for a bit. But not so much now. Your hub sounds like a wonderful man and I'm awfully glad he's there for you. Truth is though...this just hurts something awful and I have found there isn't much I can do about the pain... but feel it and express it. I try not to judge it or myself or how I am grieving. We all end up doing what works best for us. I found if I 'fight' feeling the pain.... I feel so much worse. So I just let he tears rip when they arise. (Or as soon as I can grab a minute to myself) What a blessing to find that blanket! I'm so glad you have that. Let us know how you are doing... ((((hugs)))) leeann

CML I know exactly what you mean. And I hate to say it.. but when I read what you wrote.. I immediately thought... "When I die, I'm going to do the same thing to my son." My son was born three days before my Birthday in that week of May as well. Our timing is similiar as well. I lost my Mom in late January 07. My mom's b'day was a just a bit before Mother's day though. But it didn't matter when it was really... that first Mother's Day; it was hard. Just a real raw feeling. I wanted to ignore the whole day. But.. I couldn't really because I'm a Mom myself too. I did talk to my hub ahead of time and told him I really wanted to not do anything to recognize the day. He thought we should do a lil something. But.. he agreed it would be good to keep it low key with our kids. (And he made sure I didn't have to cook that day but also knew I wasn't up for going out to a restaurant.. so he brought some food in and cooked the rest with the kids.) He bought some of my Mom's favorite flowers for me and we planted them outside in her honor. We cried. No getting around that. It was a good mix of something for me and something to remember my Mom. The rest of the day we tried to keep it just a regular Sunday. Kids were missing her too and knew I was hurting. And I knew they were at times too. There were hugs around... But after the planting... we tried to just ignore it. Their lack of acknowledgement of it in BIG way .. was ... really their gift to me too. It wasn't a great Mother's Day celebration... but..we managed to get through it. Course my kids were probably a bit older than yours. Daughter was 12 and son was just 16 then. I knew I could just be myself. If I felt like crying I did and so did they. The thing is... with all of the holidays and birthdays... etc... we just manage the best we can. Each of us tries to get through it and because we are all different.. we each will handle it differently. But I guess the most important thing I found to do about that 1st Mother's Day was to talk to my husband beforehand and let him know how I was feeling about it. And the second best thing was to keep it all out 'on the table' so to speak with our kids. I acknowledged out loud that it was a difficult day for me and why. I didn't hide my emotions. How you should try to spend that day..??? Exactly how you want to. So give it some thought now. Whatever works for you is fine and the very thing you should do. The only thing I would urge you to do is to communicate with those around you and let them know what you are up for and what you are not up for. You can even share with your precious 4 yr old on her level what you are feeling. I found it helped my kids out tremendously if I allowed them to see my tears... it gave them 'permission', of sorts, to express their emotions too. (Had a thought....I was just thinking about balloons.... Mylar ones that one can write something on with a sharpie and then release them up to Grandma.... might be something you two can do together..) With many (if not most) holidays... it goes better than I expected. Usually my anticipation of that holiday is worse than the actual day. The days leading up to it though... because of that anticipation... are usually fairly tough. But it doesn't matter... HOWever I choose or you choose to get through that day... that is what is best for each of us. My own birthday... well I was blessed that Mom & Dad shared so many with me... I could easily "hear" them singing me a Happy Birthday in my mind and heart. Nope.. not the same. But it helped a bit to recall the happier times we shared together in general. I miss them... still... and I always will. But the intensity of the missing does indeed lessen a bit so it is more tolerable as time goes on. I think we just get used to celebrating life's milestones without them physically here. We adjust to their "presence" being in a different form. It does take time though... so please try to be patient with yourself. And know we're here to help you along the way. (((((hugs))))) leeann

Cricket.. yeah.. your sis sounds like a challenge... However.. your Mom has choices too. She can allow this bulldozing or not. All you can do is just what you are doing... be there to just listen to her and provide her with your love and support. And it sounds like Mom really is appreciative... so you must be doing things real well with her. Good for you! I wouldn't worry too much about when your Mom passes just yet. You will be able to take care of yourself with your sis. She will impact your well being about as much as you let her. You sound like you are empowered and aware of her tactics... so I wouldn't be too concerned about the future.... you have enough on your plate right now I would think. Don't forget to take care of your own needs too... 'the flu with an emotional component'.. so rest up....get sleep etc>>>> leeann

(((((((((((((((Mel)))))))))))))) XO leeann

Well I'm not trying to "make" you feel better Shelley. I can't make you feel anything. You choose how you feel. So if you want to still feel badly about it... you will. Or you can choose to see yourself as human and making some decent grief progress .. or not. Totally up to you. Anniversaries can be rough on us all. But choosing to teach some children.. well that's a good and positive thing in my book. Who knows?? What you did today could also ripple out in the future and help others as well. Since our folks are our primary teachers in life.... your activities today were also a great way to honor them. leeann

Thinking of you very much today Mel... XO leeann

Mel.. Glad you are there finally! Being somewhat familiar with parts of NM, I was wondering if you had thought of the altitude.. but I figured you had that covered once I saw how well travelled you were from your blog. It sneaks up on you .. that's for sure. I remember stepping out of Albuquerque airport one time years ago and saying to my husband... as I got woozy walking to the rental car... "I know I'm inhaling...but there is like ...NO air here... I think." Like we had landed on the moon. LOL It took me a couple days to get used to it. So go easy there and take your time. But yes... you were covered alright..... by those "Angels". Good on them and now you have reached your goal and are safe & sound. Congratulations Mel! Now we'll be with you as you complete your mission... our arms are around ya ((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) leeann

Ok Mel..... you can cyber smack me if you want.... but I gotta ask..... and forgive me...... But........>>>>>>>>>> "Are We There Yet????"..... ((((((((((hugs))))))))) leeann

Mini breakdowns??? Every 2 days??? Are you saying you are having a decent cry then? Because .. that's pretty darn good if you ask me! LOL I wouldn't worry too much about the "stages" if I were you. We don't always do them in order and we can revisit certain stages many times throughout this process. We don't necessarily do them in any particular order either. We kind of flow over them and through them innumerable times as we go along. And all of us are different. Everyone one of us wants the emotional drain to be done. But the emotional drain is the pain of the loss. That takes some time to adjust to. The intensity of the pain may change.. but on some level we will feel the pain of missing them.. always. Sure right now you are feeling raw but that won't last forever. Today is a hard day too because it was Dad's birthday. So... I'd "breakdown" (mini or not) .. all you want. And the "I should be doings" Yah.. that's familiar to me too. I kinda had to let go of those and just do what was absolutely necessary and then know.. really know..I was doing the best I could. I had to understand that was enough... on any given day or time. I knew beating myself up wasn't gong to help me. So I chose to let go of that. We all do what we can when we can. So give yourself permission to be human and let the shoulds, woulds & coulds be for a bit. Do what you absolutely have to and then maybe pamper you a bit. We're soul wounded and I think we need to heal up just like we would with a physical injury. So use your energy wisely and when you have exhausted your supply for the day.... rest. I sincerely hope you are having the weather we are having today. Nice and warm and sunny. If you are... let those rays kiss your cheeks. If you aren't find another way to ease your pain and find something to do to help yourself heal a bit. A nap would count... So would a bubble bath... or your own personal relaxing music concert.... etc. (((((hugs))))) leeann

Em... In my opinion.... His death was not your fault. You didn't "kill" him. It was simply his time to pass. And I think you are torturing yourself needlessly over this. But what I think... doesn't matter. You must, as all of us must, find a way to be at peace with his passing. And in my heart.. I don't think the way to do that is going over medical details or second guessing yourself or anyone else. Think about it.. what if you HAD brought him here...and he died. Then you would feel exactly the same as you do now. Responsible. But you aren't responsible. How could you be? Do you think you have THAT much control over the universe? You think you have that much power? I hate to tell ya hon... but you don't. None of us do. You have set yourself up to feel responsible no matter how or when or where your Dad passed. And I think if you explore why you have that need to be responsible for this... you might make some decent progress on your grief journey. If I were you I would let go of that fear of causing this because, simply put... you didn't cause his passing. It was simply time for his journey here to end. It was his life.... his choices.... his journey... his death. It was his after all. Not yours. Let him have his own journey. And then maybe you can continue your own. And you were blessed to be a part of his journey. Maybe focusing more on that rather then some mistaken idea of responsibility may help you along. Sure we all help our elderly parents... but ultimately... they make their own choices unless or until they can't any longer. And their journeys are their own and unique. The ending of his may really have nothing to do with you. It maybe was just his time. And I think holding on to this isn't helping you and is making you feel way worse. (((((hugs)))))) leeann

I haven't lost my husband. But I hope you don't mind if I share something with you... I've experienced grief and especially so in the last almost 9 years now. I have been around others who have experienced grief & trauma. And I have seen it... in ALL of our faces & bodies. Male & Female. My husband had some fairly intense involvement in a helping capacity after 9/11. (I lost my father just 6 months after 9/11) I, because of him, was also involved in a much smaller capacity around anniversaries, holidays and other Memorials. He and his co-workers have gotten together a few times over the years. Looking at the pictures taken immediately following 9/11 & then the ones taken at some of these get togethers.... the changes are almost hard to accept. The before and after shots of only less than a year out from 9/11....were literally... astounding. Even only months afterwards... Marriages began to crumble.... (No question .. it isn't easy to love those who jump to the needs of others in a heartbeat. And it is very hard to accept that others need your spouse and need them for quite a long time .... more than you and your kids do.) And ....Faces and bodies were aging... rapidly. And then...... Quite a few bodies... gave out. Very suddenly. And at too early an age. And they are still giving out fairly regularly on people way too young. And so ...we grieve some more. The toll was high and remains that way. But of course...the ones who remain would all jump in again to help if the need arose. The first time I noticed this tremendous aging on my husband and his fellow workers... I cried. It made me so very sad. And then the co-workers.. all too soon.. began dying themselves. (The terrorists are not done killing us yet..) That made me (and hub) even more sad. And it ... I will admit... frightened me. So... we aged some more. Yet.... WHY they aged.... WHY their marriages dissolved.... WHY their bodies failed them... was because they chose to love & serve others through a very horrifyingly difficult time. And in the meantime... we experienced other significant losses in our own families. I have come to the conclusion that... Life & love isn't neat. A life well lived.. is messy. Very messy. And ya know... that dirt of life.. it can splatter on our faces... and on our bodies. However... the mess of life... well... I'd rather (and of course they would rather, obviously from their choices) be up to my eyeballs in it. Sure.. we could sit back and stay nice & clean. Keep to ourselves... let others get messy... or do the hard things. We could have chosen to stay single. We could have chosen not to be parents. We could have chosen not to love someone and be "married" only to a career or job. We could have chosen not to be "present" & active in our communities or churches... and lend a hand when it was needed. We could have stayed home. But.. we didn't... nor did you. For me.. and for hub and his friends (and you all)... that just was not an option. That, apparently, to us... wasn't living really. It wasn't living the life we wanted. So I thought about all of that. And.. at first I felt the sadness of the aging... and then.. it kind of went to a resignation to the aging... and finally.. I began to just accept it. I realized that the aging.... was something so much more. It doesn't make me sad as much anymore. It makes me more proud. ANd it makes me more humble. It makes me more content. It makes me more hopeful.... than afraid. So truly... now.... when I look into those aging eyes.... rimmed with dark caverns worthy of their own zipcodes....hair that used to be a soft chesnut brown or golden blonde.... now bottled blonde or red or left to silver... bodies beaten up... faces that are now gaunt & tight with many lines... I see the value of that soul. The caverns don't matter.... nor does the color of their hair....nor do the weaknesses cropping up in their bodies ... or the lines that crease their faces. They don't matter.... because what I see now is the beauty of their souls. All I feel is an awe and honor to be among them, loved by them and be touched by them and have in turn an opportunity to love & touch them in some way. And.. ya know... turns out....I'm kinda more into souls than appearances. But.. that's me. Just my two cents... So if your aging is bothering you... I'd take a good look at your soul. Trust me... it's "Magazine Cover" worthy. leeann

Just a teensy lil bit to go now I bet Mel. So.. how do you feel??? I think you have done beautifully! But what I think kinda doesn't matter. It is what YOU think that matters. (((((Hugs))))) leeann

((((((((((((((((Teny)))))))))))))) Congratulations!!!! So happy for you! leeann

Oh ((((((Shelley)))))))) Now you know you aren't a terrible daughter. That's simply not true and you know it. They know you love them and they surely don't need for you to remember them on anniversary days... Those kind of remembrances are more for us.... those that remain while we are trying to learn how to "do" life without them. And apparently...... you have done very well. They must be so pleased at how well you are doing. The fact that you forgot it... tells me simply that you have processed this loss very well. You have assumed it into your daily life and have moved on quite healthily. You think of your folks and miss them when you want & need to. You are ok enough with your feelings that you choose when & how to feel & express them. You don't need to remember in a different way on special anniversary days anymore. Nope.... Now, you must be comfortable feeling and expressing your loss on ANY day. And to me??? That's a good thing! So stop beating yourself up for doing so very well! leeann