leeann

Oh Cricket... you lost your Dad on Sunday?? I'm so very sorry. Of course you will be feeling all kinds of emotions right now. We all know what you mean by lack of concentration and confusion prevailing.... We have all been there. So please know you are not alone by far. (In fact I lost my father on Easter Sunday a few years ago.) We're here for you and just go very easy with yourself. But as far as feelings are concerned... pretty much anything goes. So allow yourself to express whatever you are feeling. We are all here for you. So when you can or want to... please let us know how you are doing. (((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) leeann

Oh Teny (((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) I'm so very sorry that you have lost your beloved Mother. I know this is so hard. Please know we are holding you very close in our thoughts and prayers at this most difficult time. Please come by here when you can and let us know how you are doing. Of course I'll be sending special thoughts your way this week and Thursday. leeann

((((((Carissa))))))) There isn't a thing wrong with you as far as I can tell. I have learned..feelings are feelings.. they aren't right or wrong... they just are. And I feel best when I can express them. And I see you are doing that in a few different ways... your writing.. your posting here... crying etc. And that's all good.. even though it doesn't feel too good. I have also learned it is REALLY important NOT to judge my grief... to just let it be whatever it is at any given moment. It's mine and it is fine the way it is. And also it is JUST as important NOT to compare my grief with others' grief. It can never be the same as we are all different people and we all shared a different realtionship with the loved one who passed. You may feel up to taking a run someday.. just because you don't feel up to that now .. doesn't mean there is something "wrong". It's just how you feel.... so please hon.. don't judge you negatively... I believe you are doing the very best you can and that HAS to be good enough... even for you. (((((Hugs)))) These are early days yet for you... try not to be so very hard on yourself. I know the world says.. "Get over it" but there really isn't any getting over it. There is only learning to live without that loved one physically here. And hey.. you are new at that.. cut yourself a break will ya? We will always miss them... but the intensity of those feelings wanes over time. But the missing always will be. It is just right now.. it's real raw and fresh for you. It won't always feel like it does right now. So try to be good to you.... ok? You are fine the way you are. And no more comparing or judging your grief. It is supposed to hurt. Badly. That only means you were loved well and you loved really well in return. leeann

Mel (((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))) Call me nuts and tell me to butt out since I haven't lost a spouse... and skip reading this if you want.. BUT here's my lowly 2 cents... if they are even worth that. I think.. you will be pleasantly surprised at how well you do on this trip. You have been very smart about it... even doing some trial runs as far as driving some distance etc. You are expressing your grief and emotions. I think MAYbe those expressions have frightened you a bit.. But tell me something... after you blow your nose and calm back down a bit... aren't you still Mel? Crying doesn't change that... wailing doesn't change that... screaming doesn't change that. You are still you in there. And haven't you survived other very difficult things in your life? I see no reason why you won't be able to accomplish the goals you have set for yourself. Courage??? I learned a great definition of that word years ago and I'll share it with you: Courage is doing something while being scared. Doing it DESPITE the fear. That's courage. And haven't you done other things in your life when you were afraid? I'll bet you have. Think about it... You are preparing yourself in many very good ways for this trip. Your everloving will be WITH you the entire way as he is right now within you. You will have your beloved pup along and you will be doing something you want so very much to do and something your husband really wanted and would be so very pleased with. Your hub never abandoned you before... so I doubt he will now. He'll be with you every single mile. Think about how you will feel when you reach Taos and accomplish what you have planned to do. Keep your eyes, heart and mind on that prize. Visualize it and it will happen. If things crop up unexpectedly on your trip... (as that happens at times to all of us) you'll just deal with it as you have dealt with so many things in your life. Have some confidence in your own abilities and in your capacity to love. Because in my humble opinion... LOVE is what is driving you to do this. And you know.. you can love... greatly. So lift that chin up and know... you will be far from alone on this trip. Your hub will be there.. your pup and of course us... we'll be with you too. So yes.. continue to prepare yourself (good ideas about the vitamins and eating well... get some good sleep as well) and your dog and have someone give the car a once over too for you. (Just check your fluids and tire pressures.. windshield washer fluid etc....) Just visualize your goal and DON'T worry if you cry.... I'd be more worried about you if you weren't. (((((((((((((((((Mel))))))))))))))))) leeann

Daddy's Girl Welcome Sorry you had to find us.. so very sorry. But I'm awfully glad you have. I have lost both my parents. My Dad to cancer. We had 3 weeks from diagnosis to his death. That's NOT a whole lotta time to prepare or anticipate. But.. I got through it... and you will too. Hard?? Oh my... very hard. Neither of my parents spoke "out loud" about the "end" yet I knew both of them knew... within days of diagnosis... that it was gonna be very soon for him. He had alot of other health problems and I knew his body wouldn't be able to tolerate chemo. They knew it too I think... But ya know?? It didn't matter. I became all about helping my Dad die and helping my, Mom lose her husband of 52 years. And I became all about helping my kids lose their Grandfather. The day of diagnosis I came home and told our kids what he had. I explained, on their individual age levels, what would probably happen and that it wouldn't be long. Also I told them I would keep them up to date and let them know what I knew as soon as I knew it. And I did do that. It helped them prepare. My stuff? Nope.. I pushed it back while I was with my folks or my kids. I cried in the shower.. and when I was driving back & forth from my house to my folk's home.... and after everyone went to sleep in my house. My husband was as supportive as one could be. He allowed me to be.. just what I was in any moment. He was encouraging me to do whatever I felt I needed to and he picked up at home when I couldn't be there and had to be with my folks.. for like Doc appt's or at the hospital. Other than that??? Nope... I turned my attention to my parents & my kids alone. It became helping Dad die. I told him point blank and out loud the day he was diagnosed; "Whatever you want to do Dad.. I'll support you and do whatever I can to help you. But how things go from here on out is totally up to you and I'm just here to help ya." He just nodded. But by telling him that, I was letting him know he DID indeed have SOME control over an uncontrollable situation. And I kept that up through each and every stage he went through. He spent 2 of those 3 weeks in the hospital with C-Diff. I went down everyday to see him. Brought him goodies he could tolerate and tried to help Mom by bringing some food for herself so she wouldn't have to cook after spending all day in the hospital. (I was BUSY. But.. I'd do it all again...) While he was there.. I tried to give him control over everything... "Dad do you want the bedside tray here or... here?" "Is the tissue box where you want it?" "Do you want to watch TV?" "How about some soup from home??? What do you want me to make you?" ETC>>>>> I tried to present him with any decisions that he COULD make. I offered loads of choices over.. literally "small" stuff. But ya know, I think it empowered him a bit. Like 'This is your death Dad.. how do you want it to go?' ...without actually saying so. Ya know? Upon dishcharge from the hospital I asked: "What do you want to do now Dad?" Do you want the chemo??" He said he did want to try it and I said ok ... go ahead and make the appointments and I'll be there to take you and Mom. Doesn't matter when... just you decide when you want to go or can go and just let me know. I was literally at their disposal. Kids and hub understood this and sometimes.. helped him themselves. Daughter drew pictures and son did too. Both came to visit as often as was possible and were chatty about what they were doing in school and sports etc.. Sometimes it meant that hub and I didn't have much alone time.. but hub was understanding and knew why I was doing, what I was doing. And Dad ended up being more forthright about what he wanted... yeah even little things & did take every opportunity to make any choices available. He was deteriorating before our eyes... and he knew it and Mom did too. (Mom was a nurse too.) BUT... we didn't talk out loud about it.. because that just wasn't what they were comfortable with. And.. I honored that. We took each thing as it came up... and not before. On the Friday after he was discharged from the hospital.. I took he & Mom to the onco's office for his 1st treatment. He was already panting because he couldn't breathe. The Doc took one look at him and wanted him back in the hosp. so he could get him strong enough for his treatments. Dad looked me straight in the eye and said, "Take me home." And... I did. Doc ordered some prednisone to ease his breathing but warned us this would send his sugar sky high. (He was a Type 2 diabetic) He also ordered O2 for the house. I drove from the onco's office to the pharmacy and Mom got out to get the prednisone. I turned to him and said "Dad.. I know you want to go home. But there may come a time when you might be more comfortable in the hospital." And he got "I know" out in between pants. Our eyes locked for a minute and I knew he knew... this was kinda "it". And I knew he knew that I knew that. We kinda didn't need to say this stuff out loud.. ya know? That was Friday. Early Saturday morning... he was so bad... (His sugar was 520) he himself finally admitted he probably needed to go to the hospital and Mom called an ambulance to ensure there would be O2 on the way. We only had the BIG tank.. no portable at the house. He spent an absolutely horrible day on ALL day Saturday... Fighting for every breath.... and that was ON the O2, canules and mask. He couldn't talk anymore... yet he was miserably conscious the whole time. Yet... we didn't need words. It was ALL about keeping him as comfortable as we could. Cool cloths on the forehead... .... re-arranging his pillow... freshening him up .. new gown and sheets...just holding his hand, etc. He finally .. blessedly... went unresponsive in the wee hours of Sunday. (I knew death was imminent but I was SO relieved he wasn't fighting to breathe anymore.) Sunday morning I returned and crawled up on his bed after the Minister had finished...and whispered in his ear. Thanked him for being my Dad...... He passed Sunday night around 8 pm. My Mom sis and I all had hands on him when he went. And ya know... we STILL hadn't "talked" about it. BUT it was ok.... I have learned: Not all communication is verbal. Loads can be said, non-verbally. And for my folks.. that was what was more comfortable to them.. so that's how I went about it. I remember on that Friday after we got Dad back in the house.. she and I went into the kitchen to write down his new med schedule and I just caught her eye and non-verablly asked her... "You ready? Cuz we're getting close here." And she just nodded and welled up. We hugged... but NEVER said a word out loud. Daddy's Girl, I told you all of this to let you know.. if there are NO words out loud... there are many other ways to communicate and help your Dad pass and your Mom get through it. Sure you and I may be more comfortable talking about things out loud. Our generation usually is more comfortable with that. BUT.. It isn't about us. It's all about them... for right now. There are ways to show our love... to check on each other... to help... to just be and listen... and wait... patiently...and to simply love them....without words. For you?? Cry in the shower... in the car too.... anywhere you can. Hug your kids, if you have any and keep them posted... and let your SO or hub or friends help you. Let them help you. If they ask is there anything I can do?? Tell them! what they can do to help you. Bring your tears.. your anger... your frustration... your words..here. We'll listen.. we will understand and walk this painful journey with you. Weep with us... we'll give you tons of cyber hugs to get you through. We DO get it. And we know you are a reluctant traveller of this path... we were too. But we made it and I have no doubt you will too. ((((((Hugs))))))) leeann

((((((((((((Carissa)))))))))))) Hugs for you. Oh hon I'm so sorry. Yes.. I lost my Dad to cancer. So I know something of your experience. But I must say for right now... I'm SO glad you were able to be there when she crossed over. I'm happy and relieved you were right there for her. Please... do come on back and let us know how you are doing. This is hard hon.. real hard. Insomnia... sure, that and loads of other stuff is "normal" for right now. So don't worry. We are here for you and understand much of what you are feeling. leeann

(((((((Jeanne)))))))) I'm thinking of you. leeann

Jei ((((((Hugs)))))) I'm so sorry you have lost your Mom hon. You are NOT crazy... not in the least. You are so young and have responsibilities that most kids your age don't have. I'm sure you have been a tremendous help to your Dad. And your Mom .. I betting she would be so proud. Grief .. it is different for all of us in specific things.. but it is very similiar for all of us too. I think what may have happened is right there in your post.... Well now maybe it IS the right time and place for you. Many of us have experienced delayed grief. And it is usually because we have such full plates & are very busy with responsibilites right after our loved one passes. Yes you expected her death and yes you knew, for quite some time, that it would occur. But when one goes through that whole process of helping someone die, as you did, sometimes we need time to recover from that process itself before we can allow the grief and sadness to come. You are not nuts even though you may feel that way. I have learned that if I don't choose when to express my grief... it sometimes chooses when to show up.. loud & large on it's own. So I make some time each day to allow the pain in, to feel it. Course then I blow my nose and just keep going.. but those times when I allow myself to think about my losses and express whatever emotions come up.. are all healing times for me. This way I can choose when I want to express it and it doesn't come bubbling up out of me whenever it pleases. And if I don't express my feelings.... loads of other stuff can come up and out of me at all the wrong times too. I found it way harder to grieve stuffing things down than to just let me be me... in the moment. I try real hard not to judge my grief or feelings and I have alos found it entirely unproductive to compare my grief to other's grief. Each relationship is different so each person's grief will be different. So when I come upon a moment when I have tears well up and it isn't the right time to let them fall.. I make sure that as soon as I have a minute to myself... I let them fall. Tears are healing.... so is feeling the pain... it is all part of the process. And some of us feel those things right away and can express them immediately and some of us can't. And it really doesn't matter... just as long as we get around to expressing our feelings eventually. Now with your five yr old sibling... hey.. what's wrong with you showing your grief in front of him/her some too? There's not a thing wrong with allowing your emotions to show.. You are actually doing a healthy thing and teaching that lil one... it's ok.. this is supposed to hurt and I'm missing Mom so much too. So just be you hon and feel what you can when you can. Just as long as you do feel and express... you are fine. Even though.. you feel waaaay less than fine. Keep us posted on how you are. And know we are all here for ya. leeann

Oh Temmie I'm right there with ya on this. I have all kinds of lists going on with how we can make things easier for our kids when it is our time to go. My Mom, bless her.. had gone thrugh SO much of the stuff they had after my Dad passed. (Dad wasn't too keen on getting rid of stuff... but she did alot of that...and it was a big job, thank goodness.) And there wasn't a whole lot of extra things around. Yet.. still it was an entire household of stuff. So for the stuff that every household has, that we too will have, we will leave the kids notes on ideas what to do with it if they don't want it themselves. Right down to phone numbers and addresses of places that will take it, whether they can have it picked up even instead of having to get it there themselves. But we want to have it so there isn't a WHOLE bunch of stuff. So that remains a concern for me here. I'm already going through my own closets and niche's & corners to get rid of stuff we just aren't using anymore. I just want to streamline our existence. I've donated things and tossed stuff that was really useless. I'm compelled to know what is in every box and container we own. lol If I don't know what is in a box and can't remember the last time I opened it... really.. how badly do I need the stuff in it? I probably don't need it, is my usual answer. But if it is useful to someone else.. I donate it to a thrift store. So bit by bit I'm getting a grip on things in our house now. But I have miles to go... We want to make sure things are ok for our kids bill & $$ wise. And we have discussed what we should have in the bank for them to use until our estate is through probate. And if we get to a point when we can't afford to keep that amount available for them.. we will move and downsize so we can afford it. We discussed our vehicle(s) situation and what will we do as we age to make it easier for them. (When my FIL passed... dealing with the lease company was a royal pain... so if we lease a car later on, we will look into the insurance for it. And, simply put, if we can't afford that insurance.. we won't be leasing.) So having had to clear out my folks house and my FIL's place as well... we learned quite a bit and I pray as you that we put that knowledge to good use. Hope your weekend "help" turns out to be very successful for you, whichever help you decide on. Yes this is painful.. a very painful process. Your sibs haven't made it any easier for you. However.... the memories you have.. no one can mess with those. They are within you and always will be. I almost don't need pics anymore... I just close my eyes and everything is there as it was. But you are still in the middle of all of this so it may be hard for you to see anything other than what it looks like to you right now. Trust me though.. in time.. everything will be in your memory as it was. You sound like you are making headway and really good decisions for yourself. This is so difficult so if it feels that way to you.. I think you are right. It is awfully hard to go through this. The blessing is that this task is temporary and eventually it will be finished. That I found is bittersweet. Yes.. it is great that the huge job of clearing, cleaning and selling everything is finally done! But it is also the definite ending of being within those walls. I have learned the four walls are just that.. It was the people within those walls that made it "home". And yes.. now they are gone. But my memories... those last forever and I will always have them. And they sustain me to this very day. And they also make me want to make some good ones still for ourselves & our kids here & now. So you still have your son and loads of time to make some more great memories with him. But right now.. it is very hard so know we are all here and holding you up as you go through this. ((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) leeann

I'm glad you find this so helpful for you Patti. But I gotta say I'm not sure this works for everyone in the deep valleys of grief. Sure helping others always takes me out of myself. But it's all a balance for me. I watch myself really carefully for a balance. Because I know I could get so wrapped up in helping others that I forget to help myself or work on my grief. And right now I'm feeling about all "given out" so I'm being rather careful about what I sign up for as far as helping others goes. But that's me. Willingly admitting I'm a bit compassion fatigued here. But I think the idea is wonderful as long as things are in a healthy balance for each of us, ya know? leeann

((((((((((((((((Temmie))))))))))))))))) Yup I have found it isn't the $$. It is the sentiments and memories within the "stuff" that's important. Whatever you can afford to have that you really would like to keep.. I'd go for it. You are right.. Why not be surrounded by things that bring good & positive memories for you? I'd get what you really want and ask someone what happened to the sheet music. So go through the house as soon as you can and see what you would like to keep. Then ask your sis about all of the items at once. She really can't have much to say about it if you are willing to give the estate whatever the estate sale person lists as their value. Or cut the estate a check for the listed value of those items and forward it to her. (I know this sounds horrible... but to be safe and correct .. make a copy of any letters and checks you send to her.) Then ask your friend to help you get it out of there before said sale. I can't imagine what it is like to have monetary values attached to every little thing. I really don't understand having an estate sale when all of you are viable and around. But I'm guessing that wasn't your choice.. only yet another decision made by others that you have to deal with. I'm quite sure though that I would feel the same as you. It must be a very, very difficult thing to go through on top of everything else. And I would make plans NOT to attend that sale, if I were you. I'd stay as far away that day as you can. You don't need that. This is just awful and my heart goes out to you. Let the feelings be what they are and promise you won't judge them.. because ALL are ok and acceptable... and most importantly... keep expressing them. (((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) Keep us posted on how you are hon. leeann

I don't think it is strange either... "home base", wherever or whatever it was, is just gone. Hard to adjust to this. leeann

Blue eyes (and yeah.. I'm another one... with them eyes... ) I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your Dad. And I was where you are 6 years ago when we lost my Dad. With the kids... we "put it all on the table". I told them out loud that I would be crying some more and feeling sad at times as they also would be. And we decided at that time to call these moments of sadness, tears or upset.. "Grandpa Moments". And just having that term helped us tremendously.... me especially. I could simply say... "I'm having a Grandpa moment" and I really didn't need to say anything else. And... they could do the same. We usually asked each other if we wanted a hug or something.. and there were times we did that and other times when we didn't. I told them every feeling under the sun would be "normal" right now and just to expect to feel just about everything and anything at times. But to just let us know and we would let them know when we were "feeling it". Everything became "ok". It was ok to cry.. be angry... be sad.. etc. It was ok to want a hug.. not want a hug etc... Sure there were times when I was short tempered and I would catch myself and tell them... "I'm sorry, I think I'm having a Grandpa moment and I'm sorry I was so short with you." Being short tempered, flip angry was a reason and not an excuse. And the kids eventually learned to do the same. I figured it was up to me to set an example of how to grieve healthy. So.. I tried. But.. kids do grieve differently than adults... (lol especially.. teenaged boys.. LOL oy...) I found that our son was much more stoic and his grief came out differently and sporadically and in ways not necessarily easy to for us or for him to distinguish as "grief". But we as parents learned that too. And really the truth is... it doesn't really matter... everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own way. We just had never had to deal with such a deep sadness together before.. so.. being new at it.. we made mistakes. But eventually we found ways to communicate and I'm sure you will too. I felt overwhelmed at first trying to help my Mom too. My husband also was in your hub's position at that time as he hadn't lost a parent at that point either. But he did try to listen to me and understand. But there were limits to his compassion and empathy. I did talk to my sis too. I made sure that was a two way street support wise. She could vent to me but I also made sure I vented to her and I told her right up front that if she wasn't in a place to let me vent... to just tell me right away and I would do the same for her. But even with her... there were limits to how much I could share with her. We were both kinda miserable, ya know? But the bottom line is.. once I began grieving in earnest... this place really was my place to share grief with others that I knew would understand me and what I was feeling. Here.. I knew.. without doubt... people "get it". There were no grief groups locally to me in my area.. so I just came here. So I would encourage you to do the same and if you do have access to a grief group .... try it out. Sure couldn't hurt. Keep us posted on how you are doing and please know... you are far from alone here. ((((((hugs)))))) leeann

Oh Boy Shelley.. pretty soon.... you are going to have "wheels"... This is great news! I wish you all the best! leeann

(((((((Temmie))))))) Work... Well.. can ya go to the person that wrote the memo and ask for some clarifications? And also how you can measure your improvement??? As most teachers know... (and administrators can sometimes lose sight of) goals need to be measurable. Glad the "challenging" student has been moved. Hope that helps you out alot. Good to hear the basement project is coming along and that you may have some help! That's great. Must be a load off your mind a bit. But I MUST tell you.. I SO get the house not being the same once a realtor gets in there. Ours wanted to get rid of furniture... move the remaining pieces around....change this.. change that.. paint this paint that.. ETC>>> Immediately... things were different and I hated that. That was the beginning of my love/hate relationship with the realtor. lol One time I met him at the house (this company had open houses every weekend...) on a Monday and my Mom's beautiful and expensive drapes were opened all the way up and the sheers & drapes were just pushed all the way back and hung on the brackets that held different curtains. My Mom would have flipped out if we had left the drapes that way. And I remember not saying a word to this guy til I fixed the curtains. He knew I wasn't happy and immediately began explaining that he just wanted to let more light in. This room faced south ... It had three large lamps and it was maybe 12x15. It was PLENTY bright.. just he wasn't... oh brother... I was actually angry at this poor clueless guy... over drapes and curtains! Can ya imagine...?? They were just window coverings..but I recall.. my face was HOT. I was SO angry with this guy for messing with Mom's curtains. But.. really?? probably?? I was angry that she had died. And I even knew that in that moment.. but I still felt angry. And on the way home that day... I told off that realtor REALLY well.. all by myself in the car. I did this several times before the house was sold. LOL Anyone driving past me must have thought I was nuts! And any little change... just set me off. It got to the point that it wasn't my folks house anymore. And I wanted to spend as little time there as possible. I had to focus ALL my energy on thinking of the new people who would purchase the place and trying to leave it in as good a condition as I could.... just as my parents would have wanted me to. We put the house on the market and within weeks... the market tanked. By the time all was said & done.. it sold for 100G's less than we had originally listed it for. But I just didn't worry about that too much because.. literally.. it was only money. But yes.. no more "home"... no more "safe haven".. no Mom.. no Dad. THAT bothered me ALOT. Its just real hard and .. it still is. I can't go "home" anymore... What I can do though is.. close my eyes and "be" there in my mind.... any time I want. And I do... frequently. I know the weariness you speak of and eventually that did wane off a bit for me. But it's so deep an exhaustion I'd swear it I was soul tired. But.. Temmie.. maybe give yourself a moment to look at what you have done already, once in awhile. You have accomplished so much and you are still intact. You are "doing it". You are a NIKE commercial personified. So in all of this... try to be good to you. Work??? Just stay in the day... your contract is sound right now.. so act as if it will be in June too. ((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))) leeann

((((((((((((Kath)))))))))) And try the retail therapy with a friend or solo... that way.. MAaaaaYbe you get some therapy in for yourself. leeann

Well maybe statistically speaking this wasn't something for you to be concerned about. If Dr's told us about everything that could possible occur during pregnancies.. no matter how miniscule the odds are that they would happen.... all expectant couples would probably be overly worried. And being overly worried, in itself, has risks. Yes it is a virus more commonly found in daycare or school settings... but.... only in a "small number of cases" will a baby be miscarried. How many pregnant women across this country, do you think, have contact with schools or day care centers? My guess is.. quite a few. I think this is just one of those very rare incidences that really... really.. you could have done nothing to prevent. It just happened. As with most of us here... we too go over every little detail of our loved ones illnesses & passing.. thinking what could we have done to prevent this?? What could we have done differently that would have led to a different outcome?? How could we have prevented their death? Many, many of us think these things. It is just part of the grieving process. Most of us over time come to accept that there really WAS nothing we could have done to have a our loved ones still here. And personally I think having a child die by miscarriage can make attaining letting go of that guilt and moving on to acceptance a bit more challenging. Not impossible.... just a bit more challenging. There is another wonderful website expressly for those who have lost a child to miscarriage or afterwards. The site is called Silent Grief. You can find it here: http://www.silentgrief.com/ And here is an article from there about letting go of this guilt that is so very common. Hope it helps. http://www.silentgrief.com/articles/index....mily&ID=103 leeann

Well Shelley it is great that you have your permit! Having just gone through all of this with our son....I would go ahead and call for those lessons and book yourself now for the time you want to take the lessons. Because here I know sometimes one can end up having to wait quite a bit as the driving school's schedules get rather full rather quickly at this time of year. So maybe you could call now and still get your choice of appointments for when Spring arrives. Besides.. I am really hoping our major snow is done for the year by now! (I know I'm ready for Spring!) Your brother I guess may be trying to warn you about how expensive cars and car insurance is. And I know for us it is quite costly. Purchasing a car today can cost thousands..... and then the insurance can run anywhere from several hundred to a couple thousand depending on where you live and of course any vehicle registration charges you need to pay your State. So yes... that is quite a bit to save for. Now if you have a savings plan in place, that will definitely help you reach the goal of driving and being much more independent. And then maybe you can see Chelsea much more often! Your brother's manner may not be great Shelley but he is trying, in his own way, to help you get where you want to be. leeann

Oh Teny this is too bad. I was hoping it would be more for people who have experienced loss already. No way to tell though until you tried it. And I think you get an "A" for trying it! But if it is making you feel worse... yes... I do not blame you for not wanting to go back. Something else may come along that you might be interested in. Go gently with you. (((Hugs))) leeann

Glad you enjoyed your visit so much Shelley!

Yes Em I do believe we will see them again. And know I don't think it is stupid or just something people say to help them cope with a loss. Marty posted some great ideas there for you to explore... I would definitely urge you to seek other reading material on this topic and also on after death communications. leeann

Ryan's Mom Big ((((((hugs)))))) for you. I'm so very sorry to hear you lost your precious son. This must have been a horrendous ordeal for you and your husband. I can't say that I can understand competely what you are going through as I didn't ever experience it. I miscarried several times very early on before we were finally able to conceive our son. And I know how awful I felt after those.... nevermind 6.5 months along! So really I can only imagine how you feel. Treating this as any other very significant loss though... you are feeling many of the same things that we have all felt. And yes in the beginning it seems absolutely impossible to go on without our loved one. But we all do manage. It does take time and it takes some work too believe it or not. I would definitely allow yourself to express the feelings you are feeling.. whatever they may be... try not to judge them and know.. in time the feelings will not be as intense as they are right now. Also.. why not schedule an appointment with your Doc to go over some of the questions you may have gnawing at you. But the reality is.. sometimes.. no matter how well you take care of yourself, or how well your Doc's or Nurse Practioners took care of you.. things can just go wrong and we may never really know what happened or why things didn't go right. One thing that consoled me after my miscarriages was thinking about how many things need to go exactly right for a healthy birth to even happen! I realized what a true miracle it is when one has a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I also looked at statistics and saw that I was no where near alone and that many, many women went on to have healthy children. So keeping a hand on the facts helped me a bit. Ask your Doc and I'm sure he/she will be able to reassure about this stats. But Ryan was a real live being... he just happened to spend his lifetime ... intmately... with just you.. his loving Mom. I'm so happy you did take some pics so that if you want to later on.. you can always take a look at them. He will always be the Big Brother.... hopefully watching over you & his Dad and other siblings. Yes.. there is NO doubt how devastating this is... so I would not minimize this in any fashion. Your loss is just as real as those kicks you felt. And don't let anyone else tell ya any different! Be gentle with you and with your dear husband too. In many ways I bet your hub feels really cheated. He didn't get a chance to experience Ryan's life at all like you did... I mean maybe he put his hand where he could feel Ryan kick once in awhile... but.. really that's all he was able to feel from Ryan. Your relationship with Ryan was different than his was and so your grief will be different too. But sure... once you are able... I would try again on making a younger brother or sister for Ryan. And when that day comes that you are expecting once again.. try to relax as much as you can. It is sometimes VERY hard for one to relax during a pregnancy after an experience like yours... but it is ALL important that one does keep as calm as one can for that new lil being in there. After all of my miscarriages and I finally got pregnant and I stayed pregnant with our son.. I just looked at the Doc and said,"You tell me when to worry or be concerned... otherwise I am going to try REAL hard to not." He said he would let me know if there was ANYthing to be concerned about as we went along and ... blessedly with our son... there never was a time for concern. And I so hope the same for you when the time comes. So tread gently for the next lil while... this is hard hon no doubt about it. I found an article that might help you: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/6...of_a_child.html So read a bit there and here, post anything you wish & we all will try our best to help you walk this grief journey. leeann Edited to add.. Here is the website for Compassionate Friends, which as you may already know, is a wonderful organization that helps those who have lost a child. So by all means visit there and perhaps checkout the Group locator to see if you can perhaps even attend some meetings near you. Here is the site addy: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/

kathy I'm so sorry you have lost your Mom. It must be so hard to be away from your Dad right now. But I'm very glad that he does indeed have some people with him. I'm sure that puts you at ease a bit. But distance I'm sure makes things a bit harder. These are really very early days for you... anything goes as far as feelings are concerned. I'm glad you found us but so sorry you had to. Keep reading and posting letting us know how you are doing. Big ((((((Hugs)))))) leeann

Maybe you are uncomfortable with the feelings and the emotions because you feel like you are out of control when you express them. But the reality is.. you are probably in MORE control when you do express them. No one likes feeling sad.. but I find it is simply part of the grieving process and if I don't express my feelings I get more & more snippy and short tempered. So I try to just let the feelings be and express them as best I can. ((((Hugs)))) leeann

(((((((((((((((((((((((Temmie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) leeann