leeann

Don't know if it is irrational but I just couldn't sleep after finding my Mom.. like at all. I think I was up for something like 60 some odd hours straight... I was amazed I didn't just fall over. But I just couldn't sleep. I had to call the Dr and he called something in for me and told me not to worry about it.. so since I had loads of other stuff on my brain at the time... I didn't worry about it. One other odd thing.. My folks were married for 53 years when my Dad passed. He had a burial plot that his sister had given to him as the other half of a plot with her first husband. So he was buried with my Aunt's first hub. My Mom passed 5 yrs after Dad and she was buried in the one of 4 burial spots in her family's plot. The rest contained her parents & her sister who had died in her early 20's. Both of these plots were in the same cemetery. They never planned to be buried together because they each had a plot given to them that they thought it was foolish to buy an additional plot for them to be buried as a couple. They both said they would "meet up" in heaven. It literally didn't matter to them. They were both very spiritual beings and didn't give a whole lot about what happened to their bodies after they were done using them. Ya know? (Explaining this to the Funeral Director... should have been filmed. He was quite puzzled at first. Had to explain it to him 3 times and then he said, "So, they won't be buried together?" And we said,"Now you got it!". lol) Well a couple weeks after my Mom died... I went to her plot where she, my aunt & my Grandparents were buried and took a small stone off of it. Then I walked over to where my Dad was buried with my Aunt's husband... and pushed the stone into the dirt next to his head stone. Like somehow, even though I knew they didn't care.... I somehow had to have someway to put them together. And burying the stone into the dirt somehow made me feel as though they were. But I knew they were together in my heart... yet.. I still felt compelled to do that>> to physically DO SOMEthing to "seal" the deal that they would be together forever in eternity. I don't know... I guess that's weird.

Hi Ron.. I have lost both parents now. Just passed the 3 year anniversary for my Mom's passing and I am coming up on 8 years for my Dad. And I bet I have cried more this year than any other previous year. Hurts to the core. Many days I feel rudderless.... aimless...just flippin lost.. and I fail to find my footing. Yeah I am married and I have two kids. They have been very understanding and we all kind of talk about grief out loud together when we are having bad moments. That helps.. but.. nothing.. nothing I have found takes the pain away. I just have had to learn to live in pain. Sometimes that means I am angry... alot of the time. I hear ya on the problem you have with calling people "moron" etc. I too seem to have halved (or more) my amount of patience in others' and sometimes with myself. And.. I have learned that anger.. that impatience... that anger is just part of it. And I am trying to live the best I can with it and trying to express it in a healthier manner. Like that gal in the movie... typing like mad while sitting next to Geo Clooney.. saying she was typing "with purpose". Yeah.. well... I'm living WITH that same 'purpose' because sometimes I don't have a grip on what mine is anymore. I know I am wife and Mom.. but ya know.. no one needs me anymore. My folks did. I have no close girl friends and the 'friends' I did have when these deaths happened... are no more.. we have grown apart. My Mom was my best friend... we talked nearly everyday. That connection... is just g-o-n-e.... and that just a-c-h-e-s... still. My parents and I and my family here (hub & kids) were real close. We saw each other every weekend. They were a HUGE part of our lives. And now.. they are gone. So is the only home I ever knew til I got married and that Mom & Dad lived in for 50 & 45 years respectively. "Home" is gone.. just gone. Like I was this sailboat and someone cut my anchor. Ya know? And yeah this is.. "years" down this road of grief. So the pain... the missing.. that kinda continues .. in layers.. like an onion. I see, feel & express one layer... only to discover yet another.... and on and on and on.... Ya know what?? I don't think there IS an end that I can see to the grieving process. I really don't know. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What have I learned???? Oh my.. what HAVEN'T I learned! I have learned... I was loved.. REALLY REALLY well. And that I loved REALLY well in return. I have learned I was SO blessed to have the parents I had. I have learned what it feels like to run out of tears. I have learned that sometimes... there seems to be an unending supply of them. I have learned I can do more... bear more.... feel & express more than I ever thought possible. I have learned... I don't know much. I have learned about different kinds of love... different layers of living. I have learned that death... loss... is a great teacher. And I have learned I am changed because of death & loss & grief. I am a different person than I was 8 years ago. I don't know Ron it's a WILD ride.... and I am just hanging on. Cuz sometimes it's so fast and at other times achingly slow. Still at yet other times... real real REAL rough... chock full of pot holes... turned ankles & flat tires. And other times it is so bittersweet, one's tears fall upon a wistful smile. I have wrinkles where I didn't used to.. There are caverns under my eyes.. I'm softer as in I just have more fat... yet man... I'm tough... REAL tough... too. I live edgier than I ever have and I am living a whole lot messier than I ever have as well. This is just me now... today... Tomorrow??? I have no idea... today is already plenty for me to handle. Welcome to the Club Ron. Sorry you had to join... but I am sure you can understand that I am also glad to have one more person who just "gets it".

Hi I thought this was a great article and thought some of you might want a chance to read it too. "Patrick Swayze's Wife Shares, "I can still feel his hand in mine." Here is the link to it: http://www.redbookmag.com/fun-contests/celebrity/patrick-swayzes-wife?click=main_sr

This is SO worth listening to and it really wasn't that long. I got alot out of this. Hope you all do too. Thanks for posting about it Marty.

I do not think this a maturity issue when it relates to death or trauma. It just depends on when that person is ready to "face" certain places or revisit some memories. "READY" being the operative word here. This is a process... not a race...nor something to be ignored. When you are ready to go to a wake and see another dead body... you will. When you are ready to go back the hosptial or place where a loved one was very ill or passed away... you will. There is no timetable. Tell your friend.. accepting & supporting where a person is at in their grief or trauma processing journey shows maturity. (And perhaps she/he might be lacking a teensy bit in this department???? )

I appreciate the compliment.. but young>>> I am not. Bearing down on half a century old.... lol "Slogged" is an apt term. Yes I did get thru and hope you did too. Last social obligation was yesterday.. so 'el fin' for another year. Sorry the snow kept Bob's daughter & her hub from you! Perhaps set up another time to visit??? Maybe like Super Bowl weekend or President's Day weekend??? Love the "New Year's" cookies... lol and I don't doubt that they tasted not the same. If we hadn't had that one snowstorm.. I wouldn't have baked any. That kept us housebound and so.. daughter helped me bake. Had a few "it's not the same without Grandpa & Grandma"'s this year from both kids at different times. Yup.. not at all the same.. but we have no choice but to "slog" on... do we? It's called 'just get through it whatever way you can'. And yeah.. it's gonna hurt.. somewhat.. that's inevitable. But we manage somehow. As for not wasting any time or compassion and living without regrets.. that an awesome goal. And bless you for doing that. I'm stil foundering around here... weakly it seems like. There are rocks all along the coast... where one wants to just go in to rest for just a bit... but.. no way to get there without hitting those rocks and breaking up. So I keep sailing around in circles... but at least I am going in a circle... with a rudder once again present. But I just feel a bit scattered..unsettled... vulnerable...in general plain terms.. "a mess" . lol But maybe living messy is where I am supposed to be.

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((((((((((((((Freddy Lea)))))))))))))))))) Big Hugs for you! I know that feeling well of wanting to hide. Be "with" her in your mind & heart. The memories you have... you will always have. They will remind you that she is always with you! XO You are not alone!

(((((((((((((((((Sharon)))))))))))))))))))))) Big Hugs for you..

Wow Kath I bet delivering those gifts helped ease your pain a bit. Congrats to you & your co-workers for making Christmas happen for that family. And I am glad that you could speak to the Mom... how wonderful for both of you! I find the more I focus on others... the better off I am sometimes. Yet....I have to make time for me & my grief too. Because if I don't it WILL have it's way with me! (And sometimes?? That just ain't pretty... ya know?) So it is all about finding a balance I guess. Bob wanting to stay home... I can SO identify with that. And who knows.. maybe it WAS because he was missing his folks. I can sure understand that. I am putting on the "Happy Holidays face" for some of the days. But my heart is heavy.. no denying that. I literally am just "checking the box" with some traditions for the sake of the kids or hub etc. My heart isn't in it. I am just doing the best I can. For seconds here & there ..I try to focus on the reason for the holiday in the first place. That helps. Then I recall a wonderful memory and I'm grateful. Then I cry sometimes... and then I cry some more.. But?? I don't know how else to do this. The "book" on it is something I must write... no one else. As that task falls to all of us. I spend some time thinking about how my folks handled their grief... and I marvel at their strength. I guess I didn't get that passed on down to me. Cuz "strong" is about the last thing I ever feel. I feel much more "messy" than strong. So I will wish you all a "sloppy" Christmas! We will get through it. And Saturday... the sun will rise again.... (And I will be able to see more rocks.... lol) Remember we are not alone.... we have each other, we each know... what this feels like.

Hi Kath & Thanks! And wish you & yours the same. Rough time of year... memories are keeping me going... otherwise I'd still prefer a nice big rock to hang out under til mid January.... ((((Hugs))) To anyone who needs one!

I haven't lost my spouse. I have lost my parents. But yes I have done exactly what you did today... many, many times. And feel that I am tired of "doing" the holidays without them! I'm just tired of it. I want them back.. like a petulant lil kid.. arms crossed across my chest.. lower lip pouting..tears coursing down my cheeks & all. And I'm dangerously close to 50 yrs old! Doesn't matter.. age doesn't matter. The loss is just as big. When I am I going to be normal again?? I'm not. I will have to continue to find a new normal. But... sometimes.... I get tired of doing that.... and I want things the way they used to be. And that's ok for me to feel that way. Right now... as in tonight??? I'm clinging to the memories I am blessed to have. Recalling the times we were blessed to have together. And if I cry?? I don't care.. I just let the tears fall. I find it just doesn't simply "go away" and I have to deal with it everyday too. The only thing time does for me is make it less intense. I will always miss them.... and love them. ANd still I leave the store... hurrying to make the car before I sob "out loud". No... haven't lost my spouse. But I have lost and done so significantly. So.. yes I am feeling it tonight and hurting too. But I feel grateful too. If I wasn't loved so well... I wouldn't hurt so bad. But know.. you are not alone....never in this community. (((((Hugs))))

Bethe.. FWIW.. Fog.. is absolutely normal for right now. And...You are right. It isn't ever the same again. Everything is new without them here. I'm so sorry it is so very recent for you. I too remember gonig out on the porch every New Years and banging pots too. And yes my folks & I spoke every New Years Eve @ midnight too. It's just hard. Your kids are very young and I am glad they are. (Don't get me wrong I wish they were old enough to remember your Mom but I am glad they won't be AS aware of your grief. Their youth takes SOME pressure off of you.) I know YOU will notice things are very different this year.. but they sure won't notice or remember how different you feel or behave this Christmas. So try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Just relax as best you can... and whatever tears come.. let them and try hard not to judge them. After all they only mean.. you were loved.. really well. Each year without them.. IS different. We must create our own new traditions or continue doing the old ones...differently, without them. And one new tradition for you,in a few years, may be telling those two blessed kids what you and their Grandma used to do together at Christmas & New Years. I get tired of things being different and YES I too "want them back" sometimes still.. very badly.... but to feel that way is normal. We have to learn to "do" life without them physically here and that is not something one can rush through... Just takes time, patience with ourselves and healing a bit. For you?? right now??.. just get through.. NO expectations on yourself for this holiday season. It is MUCH too soon for that hon. Just do the best you can and know Mom IS right there inside you... helping. Course we are here for ya too. XO

Tigereye I am so very sorry for the loss of your Dad. And I can only imagine how hard it must be when you think ahead to that very special Wedding Day. I am guessing that you know.. he will be there.. walking you down the aisle. It is just you won't see him. But I seriously doubt.... he'd miss that for the world (or rather in this case the 'afterlife') even! Grief is difficult. It hurts so bad because we were loved and loved in return so well. And I know it isn't the same.. but I talk to my parents all of the time.... still. Most of all.. know you are not alone... we all know the pain. The missing lasts for always I think, but for me the desperately painful feelings of loss get a bit less intense over time. So keep coming here and sharing & reading... It helps me loads to know I am not alone in my pain. Hope the same for you.

"It's the most wonderful time of the year!" Yeah.. "Smack!" LOL Hi everyone.... It's been awhile. And I have thought of you all often. Hoped you were doing ok or whatever passes for ok. Been busy here... some good things and some serious challenges. I might be a bit worse for the wear... but probably wiser. I still... terrible as it is for me to admit... miss my folks real badly. Dad went in 3/2002 and Mom 1/2007. Yet I find the tears well up rather easily still of late and that's probably ALL Andy Williams' fault. (Well that's my story & I'm sticking to it!) So How ARE all of YOU!? And how is it going for you with the holidays?

Em I too had a place that was very special to all of us. Initially I wanted to avoid that place for some of the very reasons you stated. But then?? I just took the plunge.. went there and...... cried. (aka: "Lost it") In the end?? So what? I cried. It was a normal expression of my grief. And afterwards.. I felt better. That expression of emotion gave me a different attitude about that place. I no longer want or need to avoid it. Instead, I look forward to sharing it with my friends and loved ones and making new memories there. leeann

Aries, With those kinds of regrets.. I just kinda remind myself that no one is perfect and ... there is a lesson for me to learn. And I try to learn it and put that knowledge into practice. I know .. somehow... my Mom or Dad sure don't care about any things I may have done better than I did with them. I just know they love me no matter what.. just like they did when they were here. So.. whenever I come across a regret in my mind.. I assume... there is something for me to learn. And I do try to learn. Figure that's the best way to avoid any other regrets in the future and just another way I can become a better human. leeann

(((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))) to you JR. I'm so very sorry about your Dad. Yes you have been through the wringer. Stepped up....in horrendous pain... and did some really difficult things for your Mom. And now.... it is all setting in and you are alone there. Well... you're not alone now. Please... talk to us. We know.... without doubt... what this feels like. We've been there.. got the shirt.. don't want it.. but got it anyway. Any and all feelings are acceptable... so try not to judge them... DO Express them,however, in any healthful way you can. Run or exercise (watch the heat though where you are) or scream into a pillow.. then punch the pillow... cry.... then cry some more. Tears are healing and can help us feel better. Write.. here or just anywhere .. in a notebook in an email to your beloved... just express those feelings. And.... talk to Dad. He'll hear you. But we are here for you so please keep us updated on how you are. Glad you found us.. but so very sorry you had to. leeann

I haven't been able to get that me back either. But somehow... I don't think I'm supposed to. I have had to learn to live life differently and I have evolved.. for better or worse... into someone new and different in many subtle and not so subtle ways. It isn't easy Em. I know that.... accutely. ((((((hugs))))) leeann

Thanks for that link Marty! I could identify with much of it. Ya know we have both had occasions (well, he had exactly one occasion & I have had quite a few more than that) where we have said to each other... "If you die on me... I'm gonna kill you!" "Don't you leave me here with these kids by myself!" Sure we were "joking".. but not completely.. you know what I mean? Before my hub's big surgery in 07.. I blatantly brought up.. what no one wants to bring up.. the biggest "What if" of all. Two days before the surgery I did this. And I asked him.. to go over once again who I call at work... where are the insurance policies..what did you pay this month already and what remains to be paid... who would I call for help with (fill in the blank)etc. I told him what I wanted to tell him.. so nothing would have been left unsaid. And ya know... after that conversation... I think we both were calmer about everything. I had kinda waited to see if he would bring it up.. but he didn't.. so I did. I needed to refresh my weary mind of these details and knowing all of that info made me feel much more calm about the whole thing. And I wanted to be sure to make the opportunity to say whatever I wanted/needed to say to him. But there was much in this article that I will probably refer to again and again. (Yes..I've bookmarked it.) It isn't easy.. not by a long shot. But this article articulates the difficulties & the humanity of it without scaring me. LOL So thanks Marty! leeann

Mel (((hugs))) A couple things stood out to me about your post: I found after going through a significant loss.. it's just plain old difficult to get back into doing things I used to do. Things I did without a thought previously... now seem like monumental tasks the first several times I do them again. Almost like my brain can't wake up and function! You are upset because you cried? Well.. I think anyone would have cried. We have two kids in my son's class right now who are battling cancer as well. And many of us have had tears over it. How can we not? We have intimate experience, unfortunately, with what that is like. It IS moving and I think your emotion was entirely appropriate given the situation. Well first off this was NOT a professional job you were doing ... was it? Forgive me but this wasn't a "professional" event. It was done near your home at a Graduation Party with volunteers. You were making, creating.. a gift. This wasn't a contracted job. It was you being kind, loving and so very thoughtful. But this was a volunteer job.. a gift. It was done in familiar surroundings in a relaxed atmosphere. With a "professional" contracted job I think you would probably have held yourself a bit differently. Mel.. don't you think there is a possibility... that MAYbe.... you MIGHT be being.... just a teensy tough on yourself?? The bottom line.. even IF you did a contracted gig and had some tears....???? It's just emotion...it doesn't make you "unprofessional". Photogs... and other people working "events" show emotion all of the time! Nothing wrong with that. I think how you handle yourself on a 'job' will ultimately be fine. You will focus on the job itself.. the people you are doing it for etc... JUST like you did this time. But this time.. the person you were doing it for is a very sick... very, very young lady who just got the terrible news that her fight isn't finished. That is hard for ANYone to hear. Let alone someone who very recently lost someone they loved deeply. What do you expect from yourself?? To be a piece of steel??? How can one be creative without emotion?? So please.. give yourself a break will ya?? And remember...there really are such things as Steel Magnolias. And I must say how wonderful I think it is that you decided to use your talent to give such a special gift to a girl who is really struggling. And further can I say how much I admire you for getting out and going to the party in the first place! leeann

Thanks Kayc That's what I'm learning as well. (Been learning that on many levels for a loooong time.) And some of my emotion sharing was over the top and me just being dependent on him for things that I need to count on myself for. It's an onion thing... I master one layer.... and peel it back.. and .... there is another layer of work to be done. lol It's one thing to "run things by him" because I want to.... it's quite another to need to. I'm working towards "want to" and trying to move away from "need to". leeann

Well I appreciate that offer Kath.. sincerely. So, thank you very much. My hub doesn't talk too much about it to anyone but me either. I poke him a bit sometimes to talk to two of his closeest friends when I'm thinking he might need to unload to someone other than me. But I gotta poke him.. ya know? lol But hey.. at least he then makes an attempt.. so I can't complain. But I'm grateful to you. XO leeann

Belated Birthday Greetings Mel.. ((((((Hugs)))))) And Welcome Home! Plan???? Do you absolutely need a plan at this very second???? Can it wait a few days??? Just try to relax after such a huge and emotional trip for a bit. Get your breath back. And see how you feel and what you think after a decent rest. Glad you are back safe & sound. leeann