leeann

Yes Jackie I think you are right. I am probably exactly where I should be right now. Just wish it wasn't as painful a place I guess.... but.. if I don't feel the pain.. I don't progress. Thanks leeann

Thanks Annie leeann

Ok I did that, now.. I hope this problem is gone. Thanks. leeann

2 years ago today.... I found my Mom dead. The only person who remembered was my sis. We got to chat for a few minutes which was good. But it kinda bothered me a little bit that no one else remembered. But I know hub's busy at work.. and my friends are busy too...everyone's lives are so busy. I was afraid to say anything to the kids in case they were feeling ok and I didn't want to upset them by reminding them. I know I have made some progress.. but probably not as fast as I would have liked... In many ways I'm feeling it badly still. No not as terribly as those first days.. but for me I think it has more to do with the fact that Mom passed after Dad. And when she did, it was like the "real" end of everything from my past. They were such a huge part of our lives. And Mom went everywhere with us after Dad passed. We saw them and her later on ... almost every weekend. They left a huge hole for me... and I guess it is gonna take longer than I expected to try to fill it. Yet I know.. I never really will fill it all up.. and that's probably as it should be. But today I couldn't help but feel.. "I should be" further along or feeling better by now.. but maybe.. this is just how it is gonna be... period. leeann

I am having terrible trouble posting on this board. On each page (or Forum and sometimes more than once on a forum...) it seems I have to "Log In" again and again.. even though I am clicking the "Remember Me" box EACH time. Any help would be appreciated. leeann

As far as the God doesn't give us more than we can handle... I know the feeling..and have wondered exactly how strong He thinks I am at times... but.. I am prone to add to that statement: "Without His help". He gives us nothing we can't handle without His help. And I keep in mind that His help can come in many forms.. including other people. I think anyone who feels that they need some help, should seek it. Russell you seem so comfortable with your Pastor..go to talk to your Pastor about who you can seek help from. Also your Doctors will definitely be able to guide you to help as well. Or you can also call the local hospital & ask for a referral for some help. The help is there.. you just may need some help finding it and that's ok.. just ask for it. leeann

Yes I have found.. grief brings much clarity. (((((Temmie))))) leeann

(((((((((((((((((((Mary Linda))))))))))))))))))) Holding you closely in my thoughts and prayers. leeann

I can't even look at pictures of my folks without hurting real bad yet so .. I don't know.. but I automatically am thinking you all are doing better than I. I have NO pics up save of our children and one family shot. Maybe it's different because it was your spouses you lost. That I don't know. But I must tell you I have felt guilt over NOT being able to put pics out.. but.. I just can't. And I don't even want to. I wonder if this is bad?? I have struggled over this.. which I know sounds silly. But I have struggled. We moved into this house about 6 mos after my Dad passed and I couldn't put up any pics.... just the ones I mentioned. And before I knew it.. my Mom passed and still ..no pics up and..no desire to put them up. I just hope how I live my life is enough to honor them.. I just can't look at their pics too much yet. I definitely can't do it everyday. And I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to. leeann

Yup it is broken and NO we can't choose our family. This is yours. How you respond is entirely up to you. But I must say..again.. all you can do... is your best. You can't change any of them, you can only change how you think about them. No.. your family isn't how it is "supposed" to be. But I have learned... I know this is hard.. but.. I have learned: there is NO "supposed to be". All we have is our own reality.. not the Brady Bunch. The Brady Bunch is fiction.. period. You clean out as much as you can, when you can. They can cry, rant and rave about your pace til the cows come home. Reality is..There IS no rush. Unless you live in the DC area... there is NO great housing market. There is NO way that house will sell ANYtime .. rapidly. It just isn't happening in this market. So their claim of YOU holding them up defies logic and... I'm sorry... but smacks of further abuse. And in my humble opinion.. it is up to YOU whether or not to "sit" for or "take in" that abuse into yourself. If I were you I would try to grow some Armadillo like skin and let their words bounce off. You clearly do not need to accept any kind of abuse or even negativity into yourself at this most difficult time. But.. that's your choice. However I would hazard a guess that your healing will be easier with ignoring their ignorance. For 16 years you were the one there. You were the one they probably turned to first for help. You were the one who helped them the most probably. And however long it takes for you to get through the stuff of your son's childhood... is exactly how long it will take. You are doing your best and if that is good enough for you... trust me.. it IS good enough.. period. If we lived anywhere close to eachother I'd be over there with my sleeves rolled up and my boxes and hefty bags ready. Because of course.. the sooner you get through the "stuff" the better off you will be for your OWN peace of mind. And I know how HUGE a job this is. And I have learned... peace of mind should be my focus.. my OWN peace of mind. Because if I lose that.. I'm NO good to anyone. So think of yourself and your son.. forget your sibs and their hurtful words and abusive actions and attitudes. They are acting in their old familiar roles because they literally may not know how else to behave. And if by chance they DO know a better way.. shame on them. But NOT you. They are not right... They may not know any other way to behave... but IMO they are wrong to rush you or make you feel in any way badly. Temmie do what you think is best. Get through as much stuff as you can as soon as you can BUT without hurting you. I have learned... where my family lacks.. I can fill in with other people. Reach out to your better friends and ask for their assisance in any way you think they can help.... however small. And ask your son to allow you to make reasonable choices on his behalf as far as what to keep and what not to. Of course if he is anywhere near close... he could come home and help at times too oon weekends or breaks. Don't be afraid to ask that of him. Again I wish we lived close .. I'd be there in a heartbeat. (((((((((((((((((((Temmie))))))))))))))))))))) Huge hugs for you. Know you are NOT alone.. It's not easy.. we know that. Remember NONE of us grew up in the Brady Bunch household. We've been through stuff with our families too. And I hope that at least makes you feel somewhat better in that you are NOT alone there. We've all been through the "stuff" portion of grief. And many of us have had to clear out homes and under severe time constraints. It can be done.. but no doubt.. it is a HUGE job and we SO understand. We are here for you. XO leeann

Here it is Jackie.. Just click here: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=1428 ((((hugs)))) leeann

Russell I'm so very sorry for the loss of your Mom and all of the problems you have experienced. Yes I agree with Karen.. I think you are doing pretty good for all that has happened. Good that you read some books. I'm sure that helped you along. And now I *so* understand how praying can bring you to tears. That happened and still happens to me too. Someone once told me that I didn't even really need words to pray... that God knew what was in my heart. And I hold on to that now when I can't pray. You are an amazing person... to have gone through the hospitalization and then to come back.. get yourself a job already in these times.. That's NO small thing you have done! That's living and going on despite the pain. Good for you Russell! Keep at it. Sometimes I have found that grief can be so overwhelming... that I need to distract myself away from thinking about it at times. I need to get outside or just OUT of my house.. even if just to take a ride or a walk and listen to some music. Or sometimes I work on a project.. like cleaning out a closet or making something.. even crossword puzzles or word searches... just to get my mind busy doing something else. I think we all need breaks from it sometimes. So try doing ONE thing just for you a day that will let you put that grief back further in your mind if only for a little while. You have been through a very rough time. And I applaud you for getting through as well as you have. Keep coming and reading and sharing here. We all help one another. leeann

Oh Mel.. Thanks so much for sharing that letter from Bob. Gives us a peek into you and him and your blessed union, and gives us an idea of how cavernous a hole you must now have within you. You are one courageous woman. I know you feel quite less than that right now perhaps.... but it is what I see.. raw courage. And that is also what I saw in that letter that Bob wrote to you, courage. I will keep you in my thoughts and heart especially close this week. I will pray for you. I think we will all kind of "be" there with you next Saturday. And if it goes anywhere near how Karen's went in her home... that would be an awesome thing. (((hugs))) leeann

((((((kath))))))) XO BQ

So very sorry Shubbom to hear about the loss of your grandfather. All feelings are acceptable.... even ones you can't identify! So go with them & express them. Take good care of you too as you go through the next little while. We're here for you. leeann

Oh Yes I certainly agree.. no bag ladyship for you! I am sorry I do not have any leads whatsoever... as I am waaay across the country here. But I will storm heavin for you ... St. Peter, St. Joseph and anyone else who will listen to me! You have my thoughts and prayers. Surely things can't stay this bad forever with the economy. Here's hoping you are posting soon enough about your new job! ((((((hugs))))) leeann

((((((Em))))))) You will. In your own time... you will. Hold on to that. leeann

bbb812 Hi and Welcome. In my non-professional... only credentials I possess is having lost people I love.... personal opinion.. YEAH.. fearing the loss of others is "normal". It's not fun to grieve. No one would want this to happen. Being a bit fearful of losing others is a product of how well you are loved and love in return. I know exactly the fear you are speaking of. And yes.. I too have spent some sleepless nights pondering "What if" scenarios.... But for me... I found if I played those scenarios ALL the way out and thought about when the worst does happen... actually helped me. Because while I was thinking it through.. I realized... I would be terribly sad.. yes. BUT I would be able to handle it. Because each time I got to a place in my scenario that was tough.. I realized.. hey.. I've been through this before. I know what to do. I know how to help them.. I know how to get help for me... I can survive this. Because I think underlying my fear of losing someone was really my fear about me not being able to "handle" that loss. But I know that isn't true anymore. All I have to look at is the losses I have already suffered, grieved and survived. If someone else in my family were to die... yes.. accepting the sadness and the missing... would be terribly hard. But I know I that I can feel it and still live my life and complete my own purpose here simply because I have done it before. I have some experience. Of course each loss is different and I know some would be horrendously hard. But I have lost folks that I used to think I couldn't live without or would always be with me here. And I am still intact. Sure your Mom has a heart condition. And the truth is.. someday she will indeed pass. But that doesn't mean it will be right now. You have told us her condition is being managed and she is doing well. Maybe... you could remind yourself of that when you are having one of those sleepless times. Also at that time... maybe remind yourself you have suffered the loss of three grandparents and... survived. Your parents have lost their parents and they have done relatively ok right? Have some confidence that you will be ok too. The way I look at it is... you lost two significant people in your life within days of each other... THAT was hard! Hard on you and your folks. And I think when one has a bunch of crises at once.. one can get a bit gun shy of having anymore crises....EVER. I think that is absolutely normal. My Mom died kinda suddenly in 1/07. In June of 07 my husband faced a huge and dangerous surgery. And yes I thought there was a distinct possibility I could lose him as well. That prospect with two kids was scary... period. And I had many sleepless nights of course coming up to that surgery. I ran the worst case scenario all the way down to the last detail and saw... I would get it all done somehow. I'd be horribly sad for quite awhile... but... I would survive it. I had to keep reassuring myself I could handle whatever happened. Yes of course I would have been totally devastated with grief had I lost my husband (I didn't) but I knew... without doubt I would handle it all somehow. I looked back on what I had already handled in my life and realized I could get through this too.... somehow. I didn't have to find out how at that time because he recovered. But you know what? I have confidence today that I didn't have before all that thinking on those sleepless nights. I am very much a "stay in this one day" type of person. I want to appreciate what is in front of me.. today. I don't worry too much about tomorrow. I can't.. I will get overwhelmed. And the bottom line is.. I don't even know what tomorrow will bring... so I do not want to waste today worrying about tomorrow. And what is the thing that makes me feel so strongly about ANY of this in the first place? It's simple.... LOVE. I have learned that love is the most important thing in life. Sure you will eventually... someday be separated by death... but... you will be able to work through your grief as you are and have done already for your grandparents. And as I have learned.... after having lost some real significant people..... sure their bodies do die. But.. their love never does. That's as real today as it was before their bodies passed away. Life is a journey.... and part of it is dealing with death & loss. But that's only PART of it. There's so much more to life than dealing with loss.. and I for one don't want to miss out on it. I can live my life having suffered losses.... still. I can be sad and still be on my life's journey. I can feel the pain of loss and feel the joy of life simultaneously. They aren't mutually exclusive. One may indeed enhance the other. So I don't know if that helps ya at all. But I'll bet your Mom would be wanting you to not worry about the day she passes... Now.. I'm wildly guessing... but I think she would prefer you to be looking to this very day and the very wonder of it... fulfilling your own life's purpose and walking your own journey. There is joy in that. leeann

Temmie Is there are real rush to get the basement at your folks' house empty? I mean if you are feeling pressured from your family.. um.. I kinda wouldn't worry about that. Tell them up front you will just do the best you can. And really...that HAS to be good 'nuff. Unless of course they would like to help you get things done faster.... Which from what you have said.. isn't likely. Your best is what it is. ANd only you know what that is. I remember somedays I could be the "Energizer Bunny".... although I will readily admit I was running on adrenaline. Other days.. I felt immobile... paralyzed. I felt like my feet and arms were concrete. There were days that were easier than others. And I learned.. that, in itself, is ok and that is just how it is. Sometimes I pushed myself and got done SOME things and once I relaxed about it a bit I realized.. I would have better days and get even more done.. so I didn't worry much about taking a day off from it here & there. Because sometimes... I really think.. we need those days off from it. I think if you felt you had more time maybe you wouldn't be feeling as overwhelmed as you are. Of course it all needs to be done eventually and sooner would be better than later... but it doesn't really have to be done in like 2 weeks or anything right? So keep that in mind if you can. Of course you can get it done yourself. Especially if this is more your memorabilia stuff and not their things. Just plow through a bit at a time and keep realizing what you have already done. I found I had to make myself look at what I already accomplished and give myself a pat on the back or else I would ONLY see what I had left to do & feel even more miserable. So don't forget to recognize your own efforts! From what you have told us.. you have already done quite a bit. You have accomplished MUCH. It's natural not to want to go there. I dreaded it. But I had to force myself sometimes and then once I was there and got busy I realized I didn't have that dread anymore. It became all about getting things crossed off my "To Do" list. I had to have lists or I felt like I had no grip ya know? Also I noticed that my house also was an absolute mess when I began going through things at my folks and sis & I deciding which things were gong to her and which things I would take home. I had LOADS of stuff ALL over my livingroom, diningroom etc. And no, I don't normally live like that with stuff all over. So.. yeah it was mighty uncomfortable & upsetting here for me. Everywhere I looked... m-e-s-s. But between writing thank you notes.. dealing with my own absolute necessities here... (like laundry, cooking .. cleaning around the mess) paying the bills for my folks's place and dealing with contacting ALL utilities & companies she dealt with to have them mail the bills here.. contacting everyone she had future appointments with.. telling people over and over what had happened and that she was gone.... I literally didn't think the "stuff" piled up in my house was a top priority immediately. I would get to it I figured and I would just have to put up with the mess til I could. And I did get to it. LOADS of it went into a spare room we have & the garage and the rest I either put in huge boxes for the kids in the basement, gave it away, donated or tossed it. The spare room & garage were great.. I could just shut the doors! (Couldn't park any cars in there.. but.. what can ya do?) But the day had to come when I had to get to those places too... and ya know what? I did.. eventually and when I was ready. So try putting as much as you can somewhere in storage til you are ready to "go through it". Some things I did: Did a quick sorting. Made piles of Save Toss & Donate and/or give away. If I knew folks I wanted to give things away to.. I labelled them that way. Or put it in a container ready to mail with their name on a sticky note til I was ready to go to the post office etc. I tossed my toss stuff each time I left their house. (Yes I did ask a neighbor to help me by taking their garbage cans back in for me. I was lucky her grabage days were Mondays, so I typically went to their house to work on Sundays.) But you could make a trip there on the night before their pick up days just to throw stuff out if you can't haul it to your place. I found tossing out garbage to be really important. I was making myself more room to work each time. And seeing my efforts easily when I returned was easier with less stuff there. What is your storage situation at your own home? Do you have some room somewhere, like a basement or attic or garage? This way anything you really do not know what to do with right now you can always go through later in your own time. If you must store things in your living space... maybe just put things in a corner somewhere and get a pretty sheet and drape it over it til you are in position to go through those things. Is your son able to help you at all? If so.. let him help you... But I think in those early days I just had to force my focus onto what I had already done, frequently to have the will to keep going. So take a bit of time to actually see ALL you have accomplished these past few weeks. I bet it has been ALOT. ((((((Hugs)))))) I'll be thinking of you. leeann

Big (((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))) for your Temmie. I'm so sorry about your Dad. Thank you so much for sharing your story here. And yes I also see a bunch of inner strength. And please in the coming days....weeks.... months..... remember that it is there and if you can't... come here and we will remind you. I too have similar things in my past.. and I'll tell you... I came to the same blessed place you have come to: Dad, "I know you did your best." I'll be "with" you on Monday as you face your 3rd graders who will probably be so very excited to have you back. I hope their bright faces make Monday a bit more tolerable for you. leeann

I don't know Teny but I think... I have found that to be somewhat true for ALL ages. I was once told by a very wise man that the key to life is finding contentment (Ικανοποίηση) ... not necessarily happiness. (Ευτυχία) And for me.. contentment is something that seems to be easier to achieve than "Happiness". There is a difference between the two for me. In my understanding contentment is living life on life's terms. In other words being able to walk through the day knowing, of course, I have had losses and I have some sadness about those losses... but I also can take in joy when I see a beautiful sunset.. or hear a child laugh.... or a catch the sight of a beautiful bird. Sure there is some sadness in me.. but I can still experience some joys. But I must look for them... find them and feel them inside. I can allow myself to feel good and see the better parts of my life despite my sadness. Also I find I can feel a peace with the simple things in life. Yes.. I learned that from my Mom. I remember her washing a PILE of dishes at the kitchen sink ( a job most of us would want to NOT do) but there she was.... humming a song while she was doing them and looking out the kitchen window just enjoying the backyard while she was doing this chore. To me.. THAT is contentment. Being at peace with what is. I have learned I can have sadness and joy at the same time. They are not things that one can feel ONLY ONE at a time. I can feel both. ((((((HUGS))))))) to you Teny! leeann

Oh Annie yup this is a tough one. However... I tend to agree that she should know. I don't think her knowing will destroy her memories. In fact I doubt that is possible. Her fond memories of them will always be with her. The fact that AIDS is what they died of is nothing to be ashamed of in my opinion. For me.. honesty is real important. I have been honest with my kids about everything. They know my frailties and character flaws because I tell them. When they asked certain things about their grandparents.. I tell them the truth. (and they have asked some pretty tough ones.. but I swallowed hard.. and told them anyway.) I have been that way with our kids because I want very much for them to be honest with us. And I cannot ask that of them without doing it myself. And I also do not want my kids to put me or anyone on some tall pedestal that is unrealistic and unhuman. In a way, yes, you are keeping something from her that could save her life or someone else's life if you do not tell her. Because it is only human to think these things happen to "other people" not to us. It is important I think to let her know that this can indeed happen to us or anyone else. Aside from the boyfriend issue though, I'm concerned that she may want to know why this information has been kept from her. So I would be prepared to answer that one as well. And if she gets angry about it.. I would allow her those feelings.. it's ok. You as parents refrained from telling her before now because you thought that was best. Now... you think differently. That's all. But keep in mind she may not be angry at all too. I guess you won't know til when or if you tell her. It's another important lesson for her that everyone decides the best they can at the time with what they know. And when they know differently.. they can do different. No one is perfect; we all just do the best we can with what we know at the time. The more we know... the better off we are. You have 5 days before she goes back to school. If you both put the time in to this discussion and stay in good touch when she leaves I don't see why you couldn't let her know now. She won't be dealing with this on her own if you two are in touch throughout the semester on a regular basis. Somehow your parents contracted AIDS; it was what they died of and I believe she has a right to know that. If you want to tell her.... then I would think that it is the right thing for you to do. I think going with your instinct on this is probably right on. Wish you all the very best with whatever you decide. leeann

I can offer you some hugs ((((((((((((((((Marsha))))))))))))))))))) I'm sure there must be light at the end of the tunnel. Well that's my hope for you anyway. With all of the firsts and special days this week..... it's not surprising that you are feeling it so much. But ofcourse that doesn't help make it hurt any less. Boy.. I wish I could do that for you. Unfortunately all I can give you is my hug and assurance that I'm holding you close in my thoughts as you try to get through this very difficult time. leeann

Southern Eagle I'm so sorry about your Dad. Yes I agree.. things are different with both parents gone. Your hub and daughter and her boyfriend are wonderful and I echo that letting them help you is a good idea. I understand the time crunches for getting a home empty. Thinking of the paying it forward your friend reminded you of in the store.... any way that perhaps you could ask a few friends or maybe friends of your daughter or boyfriend to help you move the stuff you need moved? Maybe make a caravan of sorts?? It could help you to not feel so overwhelmed maybe? This way if there are things you don't have time to sort.. you could take more time with it at your place. I learned early on after losing both of my parents and having to do the majority of the care, listing, selling and emptying of my folks house that if I didn't ask for help.. I would be doomed. So I asked.. alot. And it did make things easier on many occasions. It simply IS too overwhelming to try to accomplish everything by oneself. So maybe give yourself some time to figure out how others could help you... leeann

I too have become attached to a hot cup of tea. Sometimes I splurge and have some Earl Grey (decaf of course.. always decaf... I have enough trouble getting to sleep without adding any caffiene to my system!) If I don't do that... vacuuming always warms me up... But a great cup of tea is much more pleasant than vacuuming.. I must admit. lol But don't worry I know the cold you speak of... and now, it's funny, I always associate tea with comfort.... maybe a decent side effect of grief??? Warm (((((Hugs)))) to you. leeann