leeann

Em... This isn't becoming unhinged.. this is just grief. This is how it hurts. This is how it feels. There is nothing abnormal about your response to the loss of your Dad. And I have learned it doesn't help me if I judge it to be "crazy" or any other negative word or adjective. The more I read here that what I felt was "normal".......the less time I spent being anxious about my feelings or my responses to my losses...and the more time I had to spend on expressing those feelings... which.. did indeed help me to heal. You are definitely not alone in your grief. Our individual grief journeys are yes.. unique. However.... we ALL understand the pain. We all have felt it. It would be impossible for all of us to feel the same exact pain at the same exact moments. But please.. understand... all of us right here know exactly the pain you are in. We have been and in some cases are in that pain right now. And yes we all possess that desire to have our loved ones back. That's only natural and human. You are still your mature self.... just a newer version. A better version. It's just that society may look at tears and breaking down as weakness... but anyone here will tell you... going through a grief journey after a significant loss only makes one stronger. You see, we have loved and been loved and now... we have lost the presence of that love in our lives as we knew it. And we are still walking life's journey... anyway. ANYone who experiences this.... grows inside. It is a totally new experience for many of us. The ground on which we walked.. exists no more. So.. we are on totally NEW ground and learning to navigate it out of sheer necessity. Not because we want to... we have no choice. We have to. And that experience only lends itself to a different perspective on life itself & on love. We see the world differently.. because.. our world has changed... completely. Our vision isn't what it once was.... it's keener. So we walk that new ground that others, who haven't experienced this kind of loss, have no idea of. We are in new places.. seeing, feeling and touching things within us we have never seen, felt or touched before. Our knowledge of life and love has literally changed and it has painfully grown. And as our journey continues... so will this knowledge. It's not a fun place to be. It's a hard place to be.... very hard. That's why it is such a blessing to be typing to you and reading from all our other wonderful members. It is a comfort... a release... It is looking at the scuffed up and worn hiking boots on mlg's or AnnieO's, or any other member's here, feet and knowing how they feel because my feet are in the same boots. It's the familiar pain.... that draws me here. Your pain.. yes.. it is newer... but don't forget.. at one time.. ALL of us were in that new pain... and for some it wasn't that long ago. Em, just because you feel alone on your journey... doesn't mean you are alone. Hon.. you are not. We all are grabbing each other's cyber hands here and hanging on for dear life... walking on this new ground in beat up boots. So here...lace yours up and grab on>>>>>>>>>>>>>> (((((((EM)))))))) leeann

Oh Lucia sounds like it was a wonderful remembrance of your Mom, a great DVD your brother put together and an awesome gift from your Grandma. Glad to hear you had a decent holiday then. I like the way you said it was "sad but nice". That's about how I felt too. Had a decent holiday but it was touched here & there with sadness and tears too. But.. it was what it was and I survived it. When the tears came.. I cried them. And when the funny memories came.. I laughed at those. So yeah.. it was indeed... "sad but nice". leeann

((((((Em)))))) Big Hugs for you. It's as simple as they have said..... just talk to him then. Tell him everything! That's fine to do.. I know many of us have done it. I talk to my parents all of the time. I tell them everything from the great news going on in our lives to the absolutely mundane. If I feel the need to talk to them..I go with that feeling & I simply do talk to them. You can too. Why not try it and see if it helps you. leeann

Hol No question what happened with your Mom was unconscionable. There is no excuse for that kind of treatment. It sounds like there was a breakdown of communication perhaps between the Social Worker and the hospics people and the folks delivering the bed. Why the hospital didn't give her any pain meds before she left is beyond me. If there were no oreders from the Doc for it.. they should have called the Doc to order more if things were going later than expected. No.. clearly people dropped the ball with your Mom's care. And I would write some letters to both the hospital and the Hospice. Yes your experience WAS awful.. without question. And you and your Dad are not to blame. Your communication was fine there. It was the hospital and the Hospice who didn't coordinate her care properly. And the Hospice person should have been there before 7pm or the hospital should have shown you before you left how to administer the meds. No... this was completely UNcalled for, unprofessional and downright the opposite of palliative care by my personal definition anyway. I know Hospices are staffed by volunteers as well as professionals. HOWever I think their nurses are paid staff. And.. insurance carriers pay them. You could also report your experience with that particular hospice to your insurance carrier. There is NO way what happened to your Mom should have happended. And I'm heart sorry it did. (((((((((hugs))))))))) leeann

Holly I am so sorry you were having such a tough time last night and of late. We all know... trust... me how much this hurts. And how rough it is at the holidays. It's my 2nd Christmas without my Mom too. It's different than last year. A different kind of pain that kinda snuck up on me a bit and seeped into my bones.... and stayed there. What is different from last year for me is this year is I have learned that I'm gonna cry sometimes while I'm writing out cards, putting up decorations.... shopping... etc. Last year.. I could barely DO ANY of that at all. This year.. I learned to do them while I was IN pain... anyway. Things are not the same. I took short cuts everywhere.. wrote less on the cards... didn't decorate as much AT ALL as usual.. but got some things up...and I shopped with much confusion... forgetfulness and tears in parking lots... but.. I did it.. anyway... in pain. It's like I learned that this kind of pain doesn't always mean I have to stop. I can work through or while I'm feeling it. Last year was like paralysis. It was TOO raw and new a wound to even think about the holidays let alone do something about them. This year I got a scab on the inner wound and I'm tougher in there. And.. I'm not as hesitant to shed tears this year. I don't care anymore... hence the crying in the parking lots. My mind was totally distracted by the grief while I was trying to shop. So.. I forgot stuff alot.. and yeah.. stuff that I had even written on lists that were in my hand. Even in the food store.. I'm staring at the list in my hand one day last week and it was as if the list was written in a different language! I literally couldn't read it. So I wandered up and down the aisles hoping I would see something that I remembered that I needed. And yeah... you know it.. I forgot stuff too and had to go back the next day. So this year is definitely different. I'm moving.. but I'm limping.. you know? On hospice.. I think they, meaning the Hospice workers, count on us to kinda be quite clear with what our needs & the patient's needs are. I remember being in the inpatient hospice with my FIL. He was there only a few hours and was just about settled in... and I saw the frown come across his brow. I asked him if he was in pain and he just nodded. So I went down the hall.. found the nurses station and just told them he was having pain. Immediately they got up and attended to it. In the in home hospice my cousin had.. they called their Hospice worker (who was there several times a week and.. in between..) within hours of his passing and his daughter literally asked them to help them go through the final hours with them all. And sure enough they came and let them know exactly what to expect, answered all of their questions and let them know they would come again if needed or they could stay if they still wanted them to. But.. since they all had their questions and fears answered.. they were ok and the Hospice worker left. So I guess it depends on the Hospice. And maybe how well we communicate what our needs are as caregivers and what the patient's needs are to the hospice workers. But I really think communication is key. Like Holly if you had said point blank.. "I haven't ever seen Mom without clothes let alone change her diaper".. they probably would have gone over that with you or taken more time with that. And I know it's past the time.. but I imagine if you had a question.. yeah even now.. about the the fluids and drowning etc.. and there is something you do not understand about what happend.. I'm sure you could call up that Hospice now and ask them to explain it to you. Or even her Doctor... you could speak to them too and ask your questions. Maybe that would help you to speak to them. And Annie when they said "Call back if you need anything." Maybe letting them know.. clearly... that you thought you might need them there with you would have let them know what you all really needed. Like you could come and be with us now.. that's kinda what we need. Also maybe the Hospices themselves could be much clearer with us exactly what they do and what they don't do. That would help us tremendously so we could have realistic expectations. So that 'good communication' is a two way street. The Hospice should be able to let us know what their typical functions and duties are and where they stop and we, as caregivers, pick up.. ya know? Annie, Deb and Holly... (((((Hugs)))) for you all. I wish you Christmas Peace.. at least. It's hard to be Merry.. I can't be. But I will be the best I can and that will be good enough. I'll try to remember the best of the holidays I was blessed to spend with my parents. Enjoy those who I am with now as much as I can. And I hope the same for you all. leeann

Oh Bless you Chai.. yes.. that's it. One gets internally weary as well as physically fatigued. You are definitely in early days yet. But I must say, for me, after experiencing other significant losses..... I end up getting used to the weight rather than getting rid of it. The only thing I can compare this with is .. imagine the following: One day, out of the blue, one HAS to begin carrying around a 10lb weight. It's mandatory. And one must carry it around all day long, no matter what else one must do throughout the day... and sleep with it even. In the begining, carrying this weight is just horrendous. Arms are just aching to put it down and so very sore. One is just exhausted. Some time goes by and it still seems so very heavy.. yet the soreness and achiness don't seem quite as severe, just a little less severe. More time goes by and the weight doesn't seem as if it is the same weight it started out at anymore. Feels more like 7lbs.. not 10. Arms aren't sore anymore and seem a bit stronger. And one feels one is almost getting used to carrying it around. You see where I am going with this? Eventually I think..we just adjust to the weight. It eventually gets to feel like only 1lb. And then after long while goes by.. we stop seeing it as "weight". We see it as just something we carry around. And one wonderous day....we realize that there are many more things we could do if we didn't have that to carry around. If we had both hands free.. how many things would be so much easier to accomplish? How much MORE could we accomplish if we didn't have this with us 24/7? And we decide..... to put it down. But the original weight.. it has a special place and position and always will. It was a journey to carry it. A journey like any other in that we recall all the fond times, and, all of the very difficult times during it. And sometimes.... we take it from it's special place and pick it up and feel it again... but still it doesn't seem quite as heavy as those first days. We may hold onto to it a bit... remembering.... But then ... we are able to put it back in it's special place. So even though then we are now able to lay it down for most of the time.. the memory of our journey with it lingers... in our muscles. Our muscles will always remember, and the strongest of those... is the heart. I haven't finished my latest journey with my weight yet and I'm not ready to put it down yet. But I will be ready... someday. And my new strong 'arms' will be put to new & different work. Make any sense? leeann

Can you try: "Gee Dad I'm kinda of busy with the boys at the moment... the coffee is in the carafe, please help yourself." And if you would like to not wait til after the holidays to find out what hi splans are.... ask him now: "So you are going home in a few days Dad?" Then if he says something like: "I didn't say that.", you can always say, "Oh, that's what (fill in brother's name) told me. What are your plans then Dad?" Sounds like he has a history of being on the self centered & manipulative side (and perhaps more....). Amy..... it's been my experience that people who are that way will attempt to manipulate ANYone to do what they want. Be strong Girl! You are a Mom with two boys sitting there like sponges.... taking it all in. You must watch for yourself and them. Do not allow him to treat you as he treated your Mom. You already know that doesn't work. You already know that's not for you. So... find something different that does work for you. I can well imagine you are not wanting to feel resentment or anger right now. So I would nip this in the bud... and soon.... with Dad. There doesn't need to be any hollering or anything. Just kill him with kindess.. and literally... don't make yourself a doormat. I think the last thing you need right now is him sitting there waiting to be "served". And perhaps the more you ask of him the faster he will want to be outta there. lol So keep asking him to help himself or to help you. I have learned that no one.. I don't care who it is.... has the right to manipulate me or order me about or abuse me. The only way that happens is if I LET them. I'm sending all kinds of empowering thoughts your way hon. Let us know how the group goes. And yeah.. I applaud you for considering the counselling. I've been there and been very glad I did that. It was hard work but.. the payoff? ..... priceless. Made me a much better Mom, wife and person. ((((Hugs)))) leeann

Oh Lucia this being the 1st time you all were able to put up your Christmas tree makes this an especially hard time for missing and remembering. Again that's to be expected hon. I'm so glad you feel Mom strongly around at times. No.. it isn't the same as hearing her voice... but then again because your Dad was SO good at videotaping everything.. at least you can always view those if you are feeling up to that. I hear you saying that you feel you haven't moved on... but maybe you are not seeing all the ways you have lived your life well despite having lost your Mom at such a young age. Have you looked at everything you have accomplished? Have you seen where you have been successful either in school or at home? Do you see how well and how close you are with your brother??? All of these things are you, living your life well, even though you are doing it it all without Mom physically here. You have gone on. Just because you are feeling your grief especially hard right now doesn't mean you haven't moved on. No.. not at all. ALL of us are different. Yes even that gal at school. Yes we have all lost our parents but we all grieve in our own ways and at our own pace. I have found it is really unproductive for me to compare my grief with someone else's. No one else had the relationship with my Mom that I had. No one... not even my sister. So my grief will be different and entirely unique from everyone else's grief. And so yours will be that unique as well. Do you see what I mean? Plus the gal at school probably has similiar pain but may not show it etc. Ya never know what is going on inside of someone else... unless they tell you. I also have found that it is really important for me to not to judge my own grief (or anyone else's for that matter!). If I start thinking I'm doing this "grief thing" wrong ..... oh boy.. I'm in trouble. I then can easily fall into the self recrimination trap... negative thinking....thinking there is something wrong with me... When the reality is, all that is wrong with me is that I had a wonderful mother who loved me so well and I miss her being here. And that is .. "Normal" is it not? Why wouldn't I feel pain at this loss? So I try really hard not to criticize or find fault with my own grief. It is what it is, it's mine and I won't apologize for it. The truth I have discovered is.... there is NO wrong way for me to do this and it's gonna hurt (sometimes.. really badly hurt) and some part of me will always hurt with the missing. Your Mom sure was strong... and I can see that she indeed has given some of that to you as well. You are a very special daughter Lucia. ((((hugs)))) leeann

Wow Vickie... thanks for sharing that with us. She must have been an amazing woman. AND... she's still lifting up others.... even now. Thanks leeann

Oh Lucia (((((((Hugs)))))) I'm so very sorry about your Mom honey. No.. of course you aren't "over it". What your friends may not understand is that there really is NO 'getting over it'. I have found there is only learning to live our own life journey here without them physically present. Missing them?? I think that will be always be. And for you.. being just a wee lil gal of 6 when you lost her... your grief is even more unique. I think kids process losses in increments that they can handle. Little by little. And as a child grows their understanding of loss obviously changes. So for you... each new milestone you reach... each new goal you accomplish.. each bitter disappointment that weighs on your heart... you are missing her. And at each age the missing itself even changes... so sometimes it feels even deeper than it did earlier in your life. I think that would be normal hon. So I'm not surprised that you hurt so very much right now. And of course... Christmas will be bittersweet for you. It's her anniversary and "the most wonderful time of the year" by the world's standards. So that alone is tough to handle and balance. Do you talk to Mom at all? I talk to my Mom all of the time and I'm old enough to be your Mom and then some. I listen with my heart. It's hard for all of us when they pass... we must learn a different language to communicate with them. Your Mom loves you still because I'm sure you have heard before.. Love Never Dies. I believe that the bodies of those we have lost, exists no more... but everything else that was the "essence" of them.. is alive. I invite my Mom along with me all of the time. I still need my Mom too. I ask her to come with me to things that are important to me or to our kids. I ask her to be with us on special occasions and yes... even holidays. No.. it isn't the same.. and yes I still cry and probably will always cry sometimes with missing her. But that only means she loved me well and I her. What I have is a relationship that has changed.... not ended. That's how I put feet to the floor in the morning and go on. I keep working on that relationship and that new communication. And.. I have a long way to go yet to be good at it. I don't doubt your Mom is very proud of you ... still. No I don't think she would be upset at all with you. Hon if you are sad... that's normal. Mom knows that too. If you feel sad and are missing her that's all normal... yes even now. Now if you are feeling bad about you??? That might be something else other than grief. And you might want to consider going to a grief group or some counselling. There is no shame in that. We ALL need help from time to time. I doubt your Mom would want you feeling bad about yourself. But I bet she understands that you just miss her awful. Your post wasn't way too long and perhaps coming here and posting more may lighten your burden a bit. We are all here for ya and "get it". The fact that it has been ten years... and you still miss her?? Probably not surpising to anyone here. So if you feel better talking to us.. please come on back and share some more. And don't forget.. your sharing helps Us too. I'll be keeping you and your brother and dear Dad in my thoughts as we go through the next lil bit. And I'm so glad that you and your brother have the close type of relationship that you can talk to each other.. I can't imagine how much your Mom LOVES that. xo leeann PS Your tribute to Mom is lovely Lucia.... and she was a beautiful woman... so you must be beautiful outside as well as inside too.

Kath sounds like you and the boys figured it out just fine for you all. I didn't know they had already made some food and brought it over... that's great of them right there! And your daughter... boy ....she's on top of it isn't she. And I agree I bet Bob was right there for him. You do have compassionate kids... worry not. You are an awesome Mom. And I'm so glad Bob let you know he was around too. I'll be thinking of you all as you go through this .. especially your brother and SIL too. leeann

Hmmm......good question Shauna. Let's see: Rice pudding... a rolling pin and the act of peeling potatoes, handwashing clothes in the sink, braided rugs... doilies on chairs.... the NY Daily News...etc.. my Gram. Anytime I see a paratrooper logo or an American Flag, a local parade.. I think of my cousin (who was almost a second Dad to me). He was a VFW member and he gave me a few pins over the years before he passed. Anything with cardinals on it reminds me of my Mom. Doves.. remind me of my Dad. The ocean or the sound of the ocean always makes me think of both of my parents. My Celtic cross key ring and anything with shamrocks on it reminds me of them too. Oh there are SO many things really. But those just popped into my head first for whatever reason. XO leeann

Oh Brittany I'm so sorry about your Nan. (((Hugs))) What a special lady she must have been! Like Kath said, I too am so glad you were able to be with her. Kath gave you some excellent thoughts there and I echo all of what she has said. And as a Mom.. who lost her Mom... I understand you may feel like you are losing your own Mom now. But truly you aren't. She's just sad hon. And that's ok. She is still your Mom.. and always will be. Hearing her cry .... I know.... it makes it all more real doesn't it? Not everyday you see or hear your folks crying is it? Bet it is happening loads more frequently now. And that's ok.. it's all good and healthy expression of their grief and your tears are the same for your own grief... normal and healthy & healing. So I know you say you don't want to hear your Mom cry because it reminds you that your Nan has passed. But your Mom (and you) need to let those tears fall right now. It may indeed feel odd to see your Mom so upset.. but it's all ok... really. It's just your Mom feeling like she wants her Mom back too. We all want that sometimes. Your Nan must have been SUCH a wonderful Mom and Nan. I'm so glad you had someone like that in your life. I too was crying almost constantly after my Gram passed too. I was so surprised by my own response. I knew she was elderly, not well and was going to pass soon. But when she actually passed... I was a mess. She and I had a special bond and I was a few years older than you when I lost her... but I was devastated. I still miss her...... and that was almost 26 yrs ago. I still talk to her and I can still hear her in my heart. I believe she helps me still to this day and I feel her presence around me from time to time. You see... love never dies. I have learned that how much I hurt after someone I love passes, is exactly how much and how well I was loved by them and loved them in return. About your friends... I think sometimes people pull away from us when they don't know what to say or what to do. And this would be especially true of any friends you have that have not yet lost someone significant in their life. So it's not like they are necessarily abandoning us ... it's just they have no idea how not to upset us further OR make us feel any better. So maybe that may help you understand a bit why you didn't hear from them for a bit there. Yes by all means keep us posted on how you are doing. It's early days yet, so please go easy with yourself. leeann

Amy Great news that you are able to go to a grief group by you! At least you know you have that time alone to deal with and express your grief. That's ME time for you and sorely needed I'm sure. Your Dad sounds like he could greatly benefit from going to a grief group for folks who have lost their spouses. See if you can get any info about any near his place that meet. It sounds like he is dragging you down and making things WAY more difficult for you. He could easily do what he does at your place at his own place. You might not want to wait for him to "mention" going back home. You may need to broach the topic yourself. Why not seek some opinions on that at your group session? I know he is hurting something awful right now. But... so are you. I hear you ... he is in selfish mode. And he has every right to feel horrible but he doesn't have the right to treat you or your children poorly. So I would draw the line there if I were you. I understand he is wanting someone to take care of him & his needs right now and that's ALL very understandable... it's just that there must come a time when he does indeed start his life once again in his own home. HOWever.. your resentment is Also very understandable. ((((Hugs)))) It's a challenge right now for sure for you. How about for right now... you make your kitchen self serve.... Call him in for lunch or whatever meal and have the bread out.. tell him where the luncheon items are and hand him a knife.... I'm sure he can handle it. And you go ahead and make the boys' up and your own. He'll catch on. And call him in at supper time too. Ask him to help you prepare the meal itself or set the table or show the boys how to set the table.. etc... Ask him to help tyou sort or fold the laundry. If he won't come to you ... you go to him. Plunk down on the couch or bed next to him and say, "Dad I could use some help." and hand him one of the boys (or his own) shirts to fold. I would look for opportunities for him to help a bit here & there. And slowly you may be able to draw him out of himself a bit. He is hibernating there at your place right now it sounds like ... and like I said.. that's very understandable. But I would try to discuss with him when he is going to go back to his own place. (You could also ask your brothers for help with this.) Maybe he needs you (and your brothers) to take the lead on this... even though he seems like he wouldn't want that. He may be just lost right now and need you to help him take those first steps back into life without your Mom. If he was used to Mom doing everything.... you may need to write down a bunch of regular chores info for him. Like how to run the washer & dryer... dishwasher, if he has one.. the vacuum etc... Maybe put it all in a notebook for him. (I know when my Mom had her various major surgeries I had to do this for my Dad and I remember even taping the instructions onto the washer & dryer. LOL He did pretty good and he was one to be waited on if you let him get away with that, too. But he managed the house pretty well for the most part while Mom was in hospital or recovering at home.) Cooking.. well.. there's always the ready made meals like Healthy Choice for dinners and I imagine he can handle making himself some sandwiches for lunch and cereal for breakfast. You could make a big vat of stew up for him once in awhile and freeze it up in one meal portions. Or as you cook for the three of you... make up a fourth portion and freeze it & label it for him. (You could make a show of doing all of this cooking and maybe even asking him what he would like to have in his freezer at home.) And also ask him to keep you company in the kitchen while you are cooking. Make some of his favorites... That should give him a good start in the kitchen and something to look forward to as something he doesn't need to worry about as well. I'm so sorry your Dad hasn't been able to understand any of what you are going through. I'm sorry he isn't supporting you or even attempting to help you at all. I know it is awful that he lost his wife and I'm so sorry for his loss too. But please try to remember... the way things are right now may not be the way they will always be. See if he can join you and the boys with making some cookies... or some Christmas craft or watching a video or something.. ANYthing....etc. The kids may be your best allies with him. It's mighty hard to resist a 4 year old saying with much exuberance: "Look what I made Grandpa??!!!" Maybe draw him slowly back to life within your own house and he will feel more ready to go back to his own. And if he really continues to resist any involvement in life at your place... a call to his Dr. may be in order. But this may take some time and probably loads of effort on your part. But.. if you keep trying to involve him and get him to help you a bit now, the sooner he may be able to tip-toe back into his own life. Know we are here for you, so keep us posted & let us know how your group goes. leeann

Kath This is so very difficult for you and the boys. I can understand why the boys are wanting not to go. Most kids, and adults I imagine, would like to skip wakes and funerals. You might want to explain to them that not wanting to go is kinda natural and something everyone.. not just them, feels. Also you might also point out that some of the people hurting right now were there for you and them when their Dad passed away and it would be nice for them to try to be there for them at this terrible time too. At their ages & in their circumstances, once you find out what and when the arrangements are... you could offer them options for them to consider about going to what, when and for how long. We have found that giving our kids choices helps them feel empowered and also helps them feel more comfortable and secure.. oddly enough. I have offered the same for our kids.. over and over again. I asked them what parts of what they felt most comfortable with as far as attending any wakes, funerals or memorials. Sometimes they attended everything.. the whole wake & funeral etc. Other times.. just the funeral or just the wake or only part of the wake. Sometimes just the repast afterwards. Why this was different for awhile for each one that happened was because it depended upon how far away we were from a significant loss of their own. (they lost 3 grandparents within 5 years beginning when they were barely 6 and 9.5 yrs. old) But most of the time, unless they were physically ill, if the family that lost someone had been at any wakes or funerals for their grandparents, I told them it was only right & natural that they be there now for this hurting family. I think empathy, sympathy and compassion are not necessarily things that come automatically with children; sometimes they have to be taught. And these experiences presented good opportunities for us to do so. So perhaps your boys could partially attend something of the plans for your nephew. Either a short time at the wake, or just the funeral service or just the getogether afterwards or before etc.. Offer them some options.... Reassure them no one likes these things. It is terribly sad and it yes it will remind them of their Dad but that is only natural too. But ask them how they felt when people came to support them at various times after their own loss. And wouldn't they want to help another person feel supported too? When we love & care about others sometimes we have to do difficult things. But those very difficult things are what makes our family and friend bond even stronger. If we weren't there for anyone ever.... who will be there for us when we need it? etc>>> And I would definitely keep their presence at whatever they attend short for them as this loss is truly tragic as it happened to someone so very young and also I would keep it short because of their own loss. BUT.. even if only for a few minutes they attend... I think it would be valuable for them and may even help them along their own grief journeys. So offer them short snippets of attendance at the various arrangements as options. And see how that works out. About the job.. he's mad because you didn't get it? Ok... are you sure he's mad at you? Are you sure he feels you are disappointing him? If not you are not sure, I would ask him why he felt so badly about it. Perhaps he is worried for you or for him and his brother and not necessarily disappointed in you. He may be angry at the whole situation, which is also only natural, but by talking to him you may get an opportunity to help him express those feelings. You are doing the very best you can, are you not? So... know that ...... really know it. Go easy on yourself... this is a horrendously difficult time for you and the boys. Embrace yourself with compassion... don't forget about you.. which I know is a tough thing with everything else that is in front of you. But I think you are not seeing how well you are doing despite everything that has gone on. Set your focus on what you have already survived and the things you have already achieved & accomplished. No small thing is it? A Herculean achievement. Also don't forget.... Bob's love is still there..... tap into that too maybe? ((((((Kath))))) All the best with what you and the boys decide. I'll be thinking of you all. leeann

((((((ChrisJ2)))))))) Hugs for you hon. I'm so sorry about Mom. And it sounds like you definitely need some respite! Is there any way your Dad could watch the boys for a bit for you once in awhile? It might be good for him and the boys! I have learned.. (the hard way) that if I don't take care of me... within a fairly short period of time... I'm absolutely NO good to anyone else. Grab whatever minutes you can to yourself. If the boys attend nursery or preschool.. make at least SOME of that time about you. Either use it to take a nap.. a walk.. read.. relax.. etc. Or once they are in bed.... maybe spend a bit of time with Dad but then shortly I would retreat into your room for some alone time. If you haven't been able to get to the Doc.. and Dad can't help you.. call the office and let them know you have no choice but to bring the kids with you. Explain to the staff what has happened and see if they can't accomodate you somehow. Because the Doc may be just the resource for you to tap into right now. And hon.. it might be time to, as gently as you can, remind Dad that you TOO are grieving. That he is definitely NOT alone. I understand he refused to go back with your brothers.. but your brothers may indeed be able to still help you via talking to Dad on the phone and support you by listening to you and helping you think and brainstorm ways to make this terribly difficult time a bit easier. Is there a plan yet to have Dad move back into his own place? I know this is hard.. but I know he will have to go back at some point, if he is physically able that is. Yes moving back to where you have more support is something you can consider someday in the future.. but for right now... tap into whatever is available for you right now where you are. If you do not have a regular babysitter... you could call any local churches around to see if they have "Babysitter Lists". Also contact perhaps a Girl Scout Troop Leader nearby for gals who have their Babysitting badge.. etc. It would probably be a relief to you to have someone you can count on to watch the boyz when you need. I talk to my Mom all of the time... maybe you could talk to yours too... Her body is gone... yes.. but her love... never dies. Keep us posted on how you are doing..ok? leeann

You go Rosemary! Good for you! (Cyber high 5) IMHO.. it really wasn't any of her business or anyone else's business besides your own how you celebrate or NOT celebrate holidays. I can't imagine what causes people to think they are experts on our grief or grief in general. But in my experience whenever I come across someone very willing to tell me I'm doing my grief "wrong"... they usually have not yet experienced a significant loss. But even if they had.. it doesn't matter.. we are ALL different. What I need & want is going to be different from what you need & want. I'm happy that you won't be losing any sleep over her walking off in a huff. Poor thing.. just doesn't get it. But probably one day... (unfortunately) she will. Until then.. you just stick to what you know is right for you. And yes you are right Orlando in December sounds lovely.... wish all of you could actually get together! leeann

Oh Kath I'm terribly sorry to hear of the loss of your nephew. Yes it sure does seem to be unbearable. And his poor parents and sis... just tragic this is. Of course you have my prayers for all of you. May your faith continue to sustain you and give all of you the graces needed to endure this. leeann

Yes I think you are right Em, we Do need to let it out. There are times when we all look back and say "if only I had.......".. but.. hindsight is always better isn't it? We can't know what lies in the future... we only have today.. this day, in front of us. We can express the emotions of shoulda, coulda, woulda.... and that I think is productive.. expressing those emotions. BUT I have found if I stay right there in "I should have" land....... it is totally unproductive. For me to berate myself continually over things in the past. Staying in a negative place... I can't do that.. I know that doesn't work for me. I know it only leads to self recriminations & terrible judgement of myself. I can easily become my own worst enemy. It also isn't realistic of me to expect myself to somehow have super human knowledge or foresight. I find if I stay there.. I become the opposite of humble. And everything becomes all about ME. And real life isn't ALL about ME. I must get myself out of that self centered place; it simply makes me so very unhappy to linger there. Instead I must remind myself of a few essential facts: I figure I made the choices I made at the time with the best knowledge I had at the time. Did I make mistakes? You bet.. tons of them. But if I hadn't made them.... I wouldn't have learned much.. would I? I've learned, I can't change the past.. only how I think about it. But I can't move on to accepting what is til I express and get out the emotions of .. maybe what I could have done differently ... if that makes any sense at all. I just can't stay there thinking that way. Yet if I bottle those emotions up.. I become trapped there, until I do. You see what I mean? So I think it is indeed essential to express all of the emotions that well up within me. Only then can I be free to learning more and progressing thru this life's journey. You two ought to be right proud of the expressions you both have made here. ((((Deb&EM)))) leeann

((((Hugs)))) I know it hurts very badly to lose a beloved pet. And I know that ache of wanting to touch them. I wish I could give you a real hug hon. I'm so terribly sorry your Sonsa has passed on hon. But I am so grateful that you indeed got to experience that wonderous bond between pet and owner. There really isn't anything like it is there? leeann

Rosemary.. Here I thought I would give you this link... I use it from time to time when all there seems to be is negative and awful news. Perhaps try reading some here and maybe you won't be feeling as tapped out by the bad stuff you are hearing about: http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/ And I don't think for one minute evil is ever more powerful. It's all how one looks at things isn't it? The glass is half full or half empty. When I'm staring at a half empty glass... I try to distract myself away from negative stuff with more positive stuff. It may sound hokey but maybe watch a silly or 'feel good' movie. And also when I'm feeling so negative I may just skip watching the news on TV and skip reading it online and only read the comics in the newspaper for a few days. I know that can help me start seeing the glass at half full again. (((((Hugs)))) leeann

Just a reminder... Folks, this is tomorrow. (((((Hugs)))) to all. leeann

Oh Annie I'm so happy for you. I know that was a hard thing to do.. but I'm so very pleased it gave you so much peace. And I agree, the cousins 4 had a great idea about the wind chimes and suncatchers! Simply a lovely living memorial. Congratulations! leeann

Oh Em don't be fooled.. I want mine back too. And yes in the beginning I had physical pain as well. It felt like I was aching from the inside out. (((((EM))))) More hugs for you. leeann

(((((EM))))) I'm so sorry you are having a rough night tonight. Yes.. I totally agree it IS those very little, simple things that somehow end up meaning so much to us. When I recall those moments myself I usually cry and then.. I start thanking that I had those moments at all. The thanking helps me feel calmer once again. I even thank my folks themselves and I am so grateful I had them for parents. Recalling those simple things & times I think helps us come to terms with the loss even more. We end up expressing our emotions... thinking about what we did when they were with us and now missing those times. Yes.. terribly painful... but progress nonetheless. And none of us would hurt this badly if we weren't loved so well. I can almost picture your Dad popping in and asking if you were ready. I'm so glad you had those times with him. leeann