kayc

I've heard of her before. I have a book and a collection of CDs by Christian Carter on Dating and Relationships, he interviewed several experts, I got a lot from it. However, I'm not interested in dating or relationships now, I'm pretty much done with it all. I wasn't interested in getting high on "love", I wanted someone to spend my life with...I thought Jim was the one but now I don't trust anybody, let alone my own judgment. I get a lot more out of my dog and at least he likes exercise.

Marsha, It's had plenty of exercise.

Perhaps he wanted to minimize his culpability by including you. Whatever HIS reason, it doesn't matter. Whatever HIS wife thinks, doesn't matter. Whatever YOUR husband/family thought, is past. Right now is what you need to deal with, yesterday can't be changed...let it go. I don't think it's healthy to have ties with them now, block them on your Facebook and don't view what's going on with them, it only drags out the feelings. Revenge is never sweet...not to anyone, it is a double edged sword that hurts you back. Your best bet is to move forward and lessen their power over you. Thank God, their problems are not yours.

It is true that sometimes it can be a bit awkward posting here because you hate dragging people down but by the same token, if you're having a good day and everyone else seems to be having a really hard day, you don't want to seem flip about it either. But it's never out of order to encourage people to focus on what is good. And the fact is, as hard as grief and loss is, we all have something good if we look for it. I've shared the story before about my refrigerator magnet...I got it shortly after George died, and it changed my life..."Find Joy in each new day"...how it made me focus on finding something good about each day, however small, and that focus makes a difference. If you can't find anything great about your life, look for small things that are good, that is often what encompasses our day anyway. Did someone hold a door open for you? Did you get a phone call from a friend or relative checking up on you? Did you see anything pretty...a sunset, a rainbow, a fantastic storm? Do you have any furry little friends that try to brighten your day? Have you spent any time with babies or children? LOOK for it and you will find it.

I would be willing to bet that Nick knew you were taking care of him, not harming him. His parents must have needed someone to blame and you were it. I'm sorry. It's too bad they can't appreciate you for who you were to Nick and be supportive of you in your grief...maybe they are the type that can't share, but that is their problem. Replay this message in your head...you loved him and you did your best for him...and he knew that. (((hugs))) Kay

I just found out on FB that Jim's mom passed away yesterday. I feel so bad, I wish I could be there for him, I wish I could put my arms around him, I know he's going to be grieving. I feel bad that I never got to meet her and that opportunity is gone forever now. I still love that man, God knows I've tried not to. How do you stop loving someone? I don't hold out hope of being with him, I know that's not happening, but I do still care about him and I care what happens to him. He made it through that really tough spot in his life and he can be proud that he did it...I feel kind of like I was the sacrifice and that hurts, but at least he was there for his mom even if he isn't for me. Maybe his family will draw closer together through this, one can only hope. My heart and my prayers are with him and his kids today...

I was talking to my sister on the phone last night and she said maybe Jim would come back to me after he's no longer caretaking, that maybe he just couldn't handle doing that and having a relationship too. Maybe he couldn't, but I don't think that's entirely all of it, I don't think he wants me, I mean he hasn't called or anything, so I'm not holding my breath or allowing myself to hope for something that's not happening. It's amazing to me, my family and church all love him so much and are so understanding of him. But then he has that way with people, he really is a good person. But no way can I excuse what he's done to me and how he did it. It was wrong, it was rotten, and I can't trust any more because of it, it damaged me inside a lot, I was good to him, I didn't deserve that. I really just didn't deserve that. I can't be with someone who doesn't respect me and care about me. That was lame, super lame.

Marion, I know it is bittersweet, yet I'm glad it sold because ultimately it will be a relief to you to not have to be responsible for the house and yard. I pray you will find a place you like and can feel at home in. Life has it's phases...I know I won't be in my house forever and it will be hard when I leave. I hope things go well for you.

I'm sorry...I know how badly it hurts, it feels unbearable. None of us can physically take that level of pain forever, and eventually it has a way of subsiding a bit so that it's at least more tolerable. It's always there, just beneath the surface, but not as intense as it was in the beginning stages. It's kind of like the difference between a throbbing intense unbearable pain, and a dull ache.

I don't allow myself to fantasize or hope for things that won't happen, you're right, it only makes it worse in the end, but I sure can understand it. George and I did everything together too and now I'm always alone. Alone at work, alone on the commute, alone at home, alone attending church...always alone. It gets old. I have to go out of my way to spend an hour with anyone. And being as I'm responsible to do everything at home now, I really don't have the time to go spend with people...kind of a catch 22. I keep hoping things will get better but I sure don't know when.

Mary, I feel the same way about this site. It is the one place I can come to and know I'll be understood. George was also charismatic, a very caring person. It's hard to understand how someone who can be larger than life, can just be gone. The more I have seen of other men only makes me miss George all the more. There IS no one like them, they are unique and one of a kind!

Melina, I only had one dream about George and it was about a year after he died. I wondered the same thing, he was such an integral part of my life, why no dreams? I don't know, I guess we'd have to ask an expert. But he's in my heart and on my mind all the same.

Melina, My husband died of a heart attack and I hadn't even known he had heart problems! Yes the sudden death is quite a shock to absorb. Lingering illnesses are hard in their own way but oftentimes you've done some of your grieving by the time death occurs...that doesn't make it easier, just more spread out...the time preceding the death is harder in that case. So you are dealing with not only grief, but shock and huge adjustments as well. It's a lot to process!

redwind, You will know if your dog is sick and if you don't know what to do for Bear, ask your vet. But try not to worry about things that haven't happened yet because they may not even happen. Try to stick in the present, you have enough to deal with in that. To take on all of the future is to invite anxiety and to take on the past is to invite depression...we are made to be in the present. We can only look at the future for planning purposes and the past for learning purposes, beyond that and we're borrowing trouble. You will do fine for Bear, I'm glad you have him, it helps so much to have our furry companions. I think the ashes probably triggered things in you, I'm sorry you saw that. (((hugs)))

This is something I've employed since Jim broke up with me...since the weekends were our time together, it is real hard now that I'm alone again. I try to keep super busy. I wish it was with something fun, but alas, most of it is household chores, ugh! Not exactly something to look forward to but at least I'm spared the commute and I have my dog's companionship. If nothing else, in another five years my place should be good and cleaned up! (I've been here 33 years and there's a lot of stuff to go through). Today my neighbor dropped by for an hour or so, it was a welcome break from cleaning/organizing.

Honey, you're talking to the break-up expert! It doesn't matter if you're 15 or 70, break ups hurt. They're hard at best, and around your birthday has to just make it feel all the worse, I am so sorry you're going through this. Your friend agreed to go with him and then changed her mind because of your friendship? It'd be better if she'd turned him down but at least she thought better of it and canceled. Now for the advice part. I would try to let him go and move on. I know, easier said than done, but eventually it does stop hurting and eventually the hole in the heart should close. It does take time. Try to give yourself a little break from guys before going out with someone else, to give yourself time to get over him first. It helps to stay busy, schedule fun stuff with your girlfriends...do you have a sister you could do things with? It might help to talk to your mom if you have a good relationship or an aunt you're close to. Just so they know what's going on with you (they'll have noticed you're not feeling like yourself). It helps to understand that you are grieving not only him, but your relationship, your habits/patterns/way of life. You probably did certain things together and spent certain times together...now you don't know what to do with yourself at those times/places. You will have to create a new life for yourself apart from what you had with him. Maybe try varying things a bit, try hanging out at different places and make sure you spend plenty of time with other people. It may be hard to concentrate and focus for a while, it should get better. Please accept a big hug from me, I know how it feels, my fiance broke up with me and it hurts like the dickens. Take care of yourself, Kay

LindaKay, so you're just one year younger than me! I commute 1 1/4 hours one way, longer in winter. I live in the country, there's a lot to maintain but I like nature, am not a city girl. I know opportunities are limited where I live but I derive so much pleasure from nature/animals. I'm just totally not interested in dating/looking/guys. I know it's too soon to think about, I'm still in love with Jim, it takes a long time when you love someone this much, but my trust was so broken, I don't think I can ever get over it. I was going to spend the rest of my life with him, it just so shocked me that he could do this, I can't seem to get over the shock, I just really believed in him. I've had too many heartbreaks from too many men and I just don't want any more. That's fine with me if they don't just drop down in front of you, I'm not expecting or wanting that, I'm done. They can scratch it, it's their loss anyway, I was always wonderful to them and they're on their own now as far as I'm concerned. To each their own, I'm busy with my life. I can't say as I enjoy it all that much, not really...it's been over five years since George died and it's never been the same since. Other guys out here, they just don't invest themselves, they don't give or receive in life.

Happy birthday to Walt and Marion too! I haven't looked on the calendar in so long...I need something that grabs my attention, maybe reaches out and bops me upside the head! LOL Anyway, hope it was as good as it can be!

Deborah, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I know it's not the same Hon, but I do hope you have some high points in your day, maybe your kids will call or a friend will drop by, something. I plan on having a huge celebration with George when I get up to heaven to make up for all of the celebrating we had to miss out on...he was big on celebrating everything.

PopPop, You're three months out...I'm that plus five years...yes, you can keep doing it, even when you feel like you can't, it's not always easy or fun, but it does get more tolerable. We never stop missing them, never. But we learn to live with it.

It's that way for all of us...I keep busy doing housework/chores/cooking, etc. on Saturday and Sunday I go to church. I think it'd be easier if I was retired because I could schedule some things to look forward to but as it is, there's just me to do things around the place and I don't have much time for doing fun things, it does make it hard to look forward to weekends. I used to enjoy taking the dogs for rides/walks but the transmission went out on my truck so now I can't even do that.

What a beautiful video, how great that your daughter made it! He looks too young to be gone, you look like such a happy family. I'm glad you had him in your life.

Kath, Yes, you've voiced what I continually feel. It's that time of year again, we used to go out into the woods and gather colored leaves for a bouquet, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it since he died. I bought some artificial ones to decorate the house. Somehow, it seemed like something special we did together.

Yep, been there...after Jim broke up with me, I was at McDonald's and ordered a diet Dr. Pepper and paid for it. Went to get the drink and there was something wrong with it, tasted like Alka Seltzer. Went back and stood in line (again) and told the young dumb girl about it and said I wanted either a drinkable soda or my money back. She responded by ignoring me and taking the next customer. After standing there for ten minutes with no help, no offers, no $ back, I got involved again. I told the manager about it and let them know they needed to TRAIN their help (there's an idea) since they apparently don't have the common sense they need. TOTAL overreaction on my part. And the other customer next to me's look on her face told me so. I wanted to tell them my fiance just broke up with me by Fed Ex and I'm sorry if I'm overreacting but I'm not in my right mind at the moment! But I didn't. I just left there, wondering what was the matter with me. Normally I'm not like that. It's like we have no tolerance left.

Uh-huh. I feel that way all the time. It's not having someone to share in all of the joys and griefs with that's hard. There is no one else besides me that is responsible for everything around the place, earning enough money, etc. And to top it off, feeling like there's no one that really cares, well that's hard. I guess you just have to do your best with it and hope it all comes out. I try to stop and see a friend now and then to break up the monotony of being alone. Am not sure I'll ever feel comfortable in this life.