kayc

It does feel like a trigger that brings it all back fresh, but it subsides a little quicker each time and becomes less frequent inbetween. I was just telling my son that it was nice to have Jim be my SECOND thought in the morning and think about him only 95% of the time instead of ALL the time! It's an improvement...maybe seemingly insignificant, but marked nonetheless.

I'm sorry you're all going through this, it is hard, I know. But think of it this way, on day one, you didn't know how you'd survive a day, a week, anything, yet here you are at six weeks...I know it's hard to see progress when you're in it, but it's happening, little by little, so slightly you don't notice it. (((hugs)))

Marion, Just think of Ray being right there with you enjoying your getting those flowers, because you know he is in spirit even if he can't physically touch you. You're not 1/2 of a whole, you're both the whole meal deal! Happy Birthday, wish I'd been on here yesterday.

Very beautifully written...who is the author?

Good sound advice, Linda Kay. From what I've seen, I'm not inclined to date either. God would have to drop someone down in front of me and say "This is him". Ha! Since that's not likely to happen, I'll just be on my own. I thought Jim was that one. He was what I was looking for, he wooed and won me, he was easygoing to be around, funny, smart, good character. He was a Christian, and our lifestyles were compatible. He introduced me to his friends, colleagues, neighbors, church, family, everyone loved him...including everyone at my church. I thought this was the man I would spend my life with...clear up until he dumped me without even talking with me about it. Some people say that he's now revealed his true character, but I still think he's a good person...just cowardly. I think he feels guilty cuz he knows he's done wrong to me so he can't face me, not even to just be friends. I really never expected this of him, not even in my wildest dreams. So now I don't trust anymore...not men, not my own judgment. I can't say as I love being alone all of the time, I've been alone a lot in my life, but I do prefer alone to the "wrong choice". I miss Jim. I wish I didn't. It hurts to wake up thinking about him and have him cross your mind a million times a day, to wonder how he is, to know you didn't mean all that much to him. I know it will lessen eventually but the road between here and there is very hard and very painful. And it's not fair. Nothing about any of this is fair. Being as I have to work and commute so much and am the only one taking care of this home, I don't have a lot of free time to make friends, so it's not likely to get better any time soon. Maybe my old age will go better, ha! Most people's doesn't, but one can always hope. I guess if one wanted to date they could do the internet dating thing, me, I'm not interested. Too much work for too many disappointments and there's just plain a lot of weirdos out there, plus it doesn't seem all that safe...not to mention how much time it'd take. No...no thank you, not for me. I spend my weekends vaccuuming, doing dishes, dusting, taking out garbage, stacking wood, mowing, etc., etc. Never a dull moment! LOL Anyway, we do get over them eventually, it just takes time, I don't think it unusual to take a couple of years or more though. Broken trust, now that's a whole other issue.

Yes there is a way to get over him without someone taking his place. We have to learn to love ourselves and be comfortable and happy with ourselves before we are ready to enter into another relationship. And the funny things is, once we do, we just might find we don't even want anyone else! We have to come to the realization we don't need someone, we are okay just by ourselves. Often a fresh loss triggers an old loss, so we feel double whammied. We work through it the same way we did the first time. 51 is not that old. i understand what you're saying about trust issues because that's how I feel too...I've had my heart broken too many times to want to go through it again. I'm almost 58 and not inclined to even date again. However, I know a lady in her mid-80s that just got remarried a couple of years ago and they are so in love and it is working out beautifully...so you never know what the future holds. I also didn't expect my fiance to break up with me like he did, I was specifically looking for someone of character, someone loyal, someone stable, and he won my trust and my heart and then shattered me inside. The hardest part for me is not knowing who you can trust and who you can't...if I was so wrong about him, I feel I can't trust my judgment. He is a wonderful person...except he led me on and broke his promises to me...he's great to his neighbors and family...too bad I'm not one of them. My best advice is to build a life for yourself without a relationship with a man in it, and after a couple of years, see how you feel then, you might be surprised. I know a lot of confirmed bachelorettes!

Well to me actions speak louder than words, so I don't see how someone can love someone and do what he did to me. But be that as it may, I'm trying to get past it and am determined to extend forgiveness to him...forgiveness doesn't mean I'd want more of the same, nor does it excuse what he did, it means quite simply that I will continue to care about him, not wish bad on him, and pray that God sustains him and works in his life. I continue to love him, yet I pray that each day takes me further away from this pain.

Tammy, that's very perceptive and understanding of you. The truth is, we will get all kinds of responses from people...some people really do let us down and at some point we may realize they weren't the kind of friend we wanted after all. Others are going through their own grief or not knowing what to say, and with those we need to be patient. The important thing is to give it time and see how it goes.

Chrissie, My husband always considered me above anything/anyone else. But on the weekend he died, he chided me...it was the only time he ever did. I was away when he had a heart attack and he didn't want the doctor to call me. By the time I found out about it, I was several hours away and didn't have my own car, I was dependent on my sister for a ride. I was at my sister's reunion and she wanted to stay so she could gamble. I had a hard time with that, I just wanted to be with my husband at the hospital. I talked to him on the phone and he said not to come, he'd be in tests all day and wouldn't get to see him anyway. I, of course, did not want to be with my sisters, I wanted to be with him, but I knew if I made her take me to the hospital, he'd feel like he ruined my weekend (after all, that's why he told the doctor not to call me)...as if the weekend wasn't already ruined, but I didn't want to make him feel bad for it. So I stayed. I paced, I prayed, I waited, I did not enjoy myself. That night I called him again and he'd gotten back from his tests and had just gotten the results...which he did not share with me at that time. He learned it was not good, he had to know he was going to die...but he didn't tell me that. He was grumpy, which he never was with me, and he said, (like he had hurt feelings) "I would have walked across the world on broken glass to be with you!" I just replied softly, "I know you would have, George." I knew it was not him talking but his illness. How would I feel if I'd just learned I was going to die? How would I feel if I was in that much pain? I knew this man loved me more than anything in the world...and I also know he would not have wanted me to hitch hike or place my safety in jeopardy. I let it go. Could I have allowed myself to feel guilty when he died because I hadn't gotten there sooner? Of course! Would I have deserved to feel guilty? No. Would he want me to feel bad? No. I don't know why things transpired like they did...but they did. It was out of my hands and out of his too. Was it some kind of bad joke that I go away once a year and that has to be the weekend he dies? I don't know...but it is what it is. George and I were always there for each other, always supportive...and I felt bad that the hospital didn't let me stay in his room when they were working on him in that final heart attack, I wish I could have been there. But I can't feel guilty for what was beyond my choice or decision making. Sometimes we just have to let go of stuff and have the faith that we KNOW our loved one knew how much we loved them and how much they meant to us. I had proven that over and over, I'd given him the best years of his life, we'd been happy together, blissfully so...that is what George would remember about his life with me.

You are to be commended for even trying! You're right, it gets easier eventually, but the first time is usually the hardest.

Melina, I think a sign is something personal enough that you will know it as such. When George died there was a huge thunder/lightening storm and a triple rainbow! Talk about going out with a bang. A couple of times there were rainbows that seemed a sign to me, esp. since they were unexpected, out of the ordinary. But we had this discussion years ago and some people had very unusual signs, I remember Karen did, something to do with jewelry.

That sounds like a great idea! Don't worry about spelling, we can understand you just fine.

Suzanne, I don't think people mean to infer you should let your husband control you but a lot of us want to consider their wishes, what they thought and felt meant a great deal to us, that is why we were with them.

She's cute! She has such pretty markings! I love the black face!

Today as I listened to our pastor's message, I felt I received the answer I needed... Instead of focusing on my pain, I want to instead lift up Jim for the wonderful thing is is doing for his mom. I know what forgiveness is and what it is not and yet I have been struggling to forgive, and now I think I understand. It is in placing the other person ahead of yourself. It is in showing respect and reverence for the other person. God, lift up Jim and sustain him in this challenging time. And God, bless him for his efforts in doing the right thing. I forgive him for his shortcomings as I pray he forgives me for mine.

If you're using a digital camera, plug the cable in to your computer and it will undoubtedly bring up a program for you to save the pictures to your computer...you can rename the files what you want so you don't have to write down all the number is gives it, and you can also tell it where to save it, but you can use it's default place too if you want, just pay attention to what folder/pathway it's going too. Then click on "attach this file" and it will give you the option of browsing your computer...look for the file you saved and click on it, then add reply.

A very good response! That's one of the best retorts I've seen in the five years I've been on this site! It was very nicely stated. I can't think of one friend I've kept that I had before George died. It's amazing. However, I did gain a new friend right afterwards and she is still in my life. My family has continued to be there for me. George's family disappeared on me immediately. It's amazing but common to see this. I count myself fortunate that my family is still there in my life because some people's families aren't. Just remember that some people aren't good copers and aren't good at understanding and others are. Deb, your "friend" may feel YOU should be there for HER and maybe this is the first time that circumstances have really challenged that. If she is all about herself instead of caring about you, well it would naturally show up now...it could be that you may not want her back in your life, but it's good to not totally close the door, you never know, the two of you might somehow work this out later. You are right that you do not have it in you right now to deal with her stuff, you have your plate full and need to concentrate on getting through what you do have to deal with. You are wise to realize that instead of letting her bully you selfishly.

Melina, This is to be expected and it doesn't mean it's not getting better, it's three steps forward, two steps backward, when it's going backwards you feel like you aren't getting anywhere, but overall, you are. Just expect there will be ups and downs, good days and bad days and inbetween days. It will eventually be less intense and easier to cope with. Remember to take care of yourself and do all you can to help yourself, it's very important...grief work is exhausting. Eat, get exercise, lots of water, plus do little ammenities, bubblebaths, stuff like that, anything you can for yourself...it's about learning to care about yourself and put yourself in number one spot for a change, you'll need to do that.

Melina, Nobody's marriage is perfect because it's comprised of two imperfect people...however, it can still be perfect for us. I feel that was the case with George and I, we were just such a perfect fit for each other. Did we ever fight? Not often, but yes, we had some. I have heard it said that experts can predict whether a marriage will end in divorce or not by observing how we fight. Notice, I say HOW not IF. If you don't fight it usually means there's a breakdown in communication and that's not good. The important thing in fighting is to show respect to each other even when you disagree. And of course it's important to persevere or none of our marriages would stay the course. The fact is, you two DID make it, so commend yourselves for having done so. I'm sure your husband knew you loved him, look how long you were together! If you're having a hard time calling up the good memories, write them down as you think of them. That way you can have a list ready when doubts assail you. What were the times you felt most comfortable with him? What holiday stands out in your mind as the best and why? What was the most memorable event in your marriage? Do you recall your wedding ceremony and looking into each other's eyes as you said "I do." What was it he appreciated the most about you? What do you miss the most about him? Write these things down, they're all important. When you have doubts look at your list and you'll see what the two of you had. About the group, we're not in a competition...nor do we all fit into some mold, we're all unique, so are our marriages and our grief journeys. We all belong and each one lends something special and important to the overall group. Of course you belong here, don't ever doubt it! We care about you and if you let us, we'll be here as you continue to progress through this journey.

Cheryl, It is hard the first time you're alone after losing him. I remember just a couple of weeks after George died I was alone, it was very hard. It does get better after you get used to it. I don't mind being alone some of the time, but it gets old when it's week after week. It's nice if the kids can stop in now and then but mine live out of town. (((hugs))) Kay

Not me, I would never want to erase a single moment of my life with George. To do so would be to reduce our relationship to nothingness, yet he was the best part of my life. Recently, my fiance ended our engagement, breaking my heart. Would I wish that I had never loved him? No...I might feel that way in a moment of pain, but only temporarily, for actually, he so enriched my life by knowing him. I feel grateful that I have had times of love in my life, even with all the pain of loss it brings. Nothing is forever, life changes, goes through phases, stages, and the one thing that teaches me is that I have to appreciate and deeply value what is brought my way for the time that I have. I think sometimes the pain of loss is so great and so overwhelming, it's hard to see straight...I know I have been there. Even now with this newest loss still so fresh in my heart, it is hard to bear. It takes time to heal, much time.

He smiles ALL the time (except when he's super sick). That's why I love coming home to him! And he's so fun to watch! He plays, he throws a ball, runs after it, catches it, teases, he's just a lot of fun. He is my delight in life. And he's big enough to hold.

Nats, I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather, that's really hard. Kay

That was how I felt with George too.

We're here...tell us your story. And Dar, I'm so sorry.