kayc

Suzanne, How did you do?

It's going to be frustrating for you for some time, try to hang in there. Remember, right now she needs you to be in a supportive "friend" role more than anything. The fact that she turned to you with her computer problem is a good sign, the lines of communication are open, but she's just choosing not to use them continuously. Respect her right to pull back for a while. Try not to fixate on her or your relationship quite so much, and try to fill your time with things you need to do, things you enjoy, your other friends, etc. If it's meant to be, believe me, it will find it's way back and be better than ever. Sometimes you have to let go of your hold on something and give it the freedom to fly away before it will come back to you...but you cannot do it with that purpose in mind. Make her happiness of your utmost concern, even more than your being together. I know this is hard, but it is what is necessary. Good luck, I know it's hard to manage your feelings, but try to reign them in as much as possible for the time being.

Closs, I am so sorry, I wish there were some words to relieve some of what you're going through, but unfortunately, we both know there isn't. Please know there are lots of people here that understand and care and in the days to come, you will come to thank God for this site if nothing else...it's been my lifeline the last few years. You must feel in shock, that was a lot to happen in such a short time...not enough time to even process it. I can only imagine how it must feel to lose your husband of 43 years...me, I waited a lifetime to meet and marry my soul mate and we just got 3 years 8 months and poof, he was gone...heart attack, hadn't even known he had it until that weekend. I am so sorry for what you are going through...please keep coming here and let it all out, that's what we're here for.

Just remember, feelings don't have to be logical or make sense, they just "are"...they are there for us to contend with. It's good not to attribute more to them than they should have, but neither can we totally ignore them.

I think it's that they always treated us special on our birthdays so now that they're gone, we notice their absence all the more on our birthday. My first birthday after George died, none of my family or friends remembered, and I cried myself to sleep, it really hurt. I knew if he was alive it wouldn't have gone like that. Happy Belated Birthday! I hope it gets easier on you.

Chrissie, Welcome to this site...I'm sorry you lost your husband. It is normal to feel like you are, it's a lot how the rest of us felt at that timeline. It's good to have someplace to let it all out and be yourself and not feel like you have to put on a brave front...and that place is here and we understand. It's okay to cry, scream, vent, etc. I live in the country and I remember walking out in the woods and just letting it out at the top of my lungs. I also posted here, a lot. And I used art to depict my feelings. And wrote. It all helps.

Oh Kat, that is so sad, I wish we could all have our loved ones back! Hugs and (Happy Anniversary?) my thoughts are with you! Kay

While at first it is hard to throw ANYTHING of theirs away, after a while when you feel ready, give yourself permission to throw away moldy shoes and donate non-collectible marbles and a sleeping bag someone else could use. Make a scrapbook with the newspaper clippings or perhaps a collage if they aren't too lengthy, maybe intersperse with pictures from that time period. Keep those things that most remind you of him and that you most treasure...but to those who were married to packrats, it's okay to let go of some of it.

It just goes to show that it's hard for the family/friends of someone who lost someone as well as the person themself. I know it sounds confusing but you have to think outside of logic and understand with the heart...most of what we go through doesn't make sense to other people, it just is. We can't figure anything out at the time, but we live it.

Walt, Thinking of you and your Little Jeannie on her special day. How odd that you lost her two days after she died and I lost my George five days after he died...my MIL also died just days from her Bdy and so did my Grandpa. It makes me wonder...

Rim Thinking of you and hoping you're holding up as well as your GF. This is a hard time but that's what relationships are about...going through and surviving the tough times as well as the good. Put her best at the forefront and all will fall into place. Keep us posted!

I can relate to what Wendy said...I had a shrine to George at first, then took it all down, and the pictures have been up and down since...right now I have a couple up but not a shrine. We could never forget them, but sometimes the reminders are so painful. For me right now, the reminders are the absence of all of the special things he did, the specialness of who he was, for no one, nothing, can ever replace that or fill his shoes and sometimes only serve as a reminder of his great absence.

fraublucher2 I wish you could have found this site sooner too, but there are others here with the same timeline as you. I think it's common that grief affects our weight...some lose, some gain, unfortunately, I'm a gainer. We look forward to getting to know you better over the months ahead, please keep coming back.

Lainey, I'm sorry for your loss...this is a good place to find others what understand what you're going through for we've been there. Just getting through your day, in the beginning, is a feat. Welcome to this site, please keep coming back.

Mam, I'm sorry for the loss of your Michael. Please keep coming here, it's good to get it out and not hold it in. This is the one place that is safe and people understand.

ipswitch, It is perfectly normal to feel conflicting emotion and all are valid. Show them gratefulness, they are due it, that is for sure, but to us, come and pour your heart out, lament, weep, pound your fist! It is okay, we understand. It is the loss of dreams, loss of everything you had, everything you planned...and we've all experienced that. You didn't sign on for this, no one asked you how you felt about it, it just happened to you, taking away your sense of empowerment and leaving wreckage in it's wake. We understand. Over time you will reclaim your empowerment, but it takes time, you will rebuild a different life for yourself, but right now it's too soon for all that...right now you just need to get through today so try to focus on the now instead of way out there. You've met some new friends here, we all go through this together.

Birthday parties in heaven? Why not! My George loved celebrating life, every season, every holiday, every event was cause for fun and celebration...I'm sure he's up there arranging something right now!

Babs...be careful what you wish for...I went through the death of my beloved spouse and then later found myself experiencing divorce...believe me, that was no picnic. Every divorce is different, some people find they come as a relief to a bad marriage, some seem indifferent, but mine was extremely painful...mine dumped me for another woman without having the decency to let me know...and took me for all he could in the process. To diminish the pain and adjustments I went through during that time and since would be a huge error. I STILL hurt, after all this time, and am still grappling to understand "why" and not coming up with any answers...the grief I went through in my divorce was not all that different than the grief I went through in death with two major differences: In the divorce it hit my self-esteem and I was plagued with "what is wrong with me that my own husband can't love me", plus the stigma of divorce (some men won't even date someone with as bad a luck as me!). The other major difference is when I lost my George to death, I continue to miss him and can't reach him...unlike my divorce from John...while on occasion I have missed John, it is the John I thought I knew, not the one he turned out to be...the person he is is not a person I would ever want involved with again. While we go through heartrending pain at losing our spouse to death, we need to be so very careful not to invalidate others' pain who go through divorce or other kinds of loss. As Kath put it, "Loss is pain and agony and adjustment."

Sherry, I'm glad you're having a good time, we've missed you here but wish you well. Do keep us posted from time to time!

Kat, Funny you should mention that...George had only been deceased five days when I had to go into the Social Security Office. The girl callously brought up his previous wives (I was his third), something I didn't think necessary for her to mention, and then in a sing-song voice (referring to our marriage) said "the marriage ended in death." I started crying so hard and couldn't stop, I had to leave there, I remember pulling over off the road and calling my girlfriend, I was so upset, I went by her house for coffee and a hug...it seemed so wrong to say our marriage "ended" for ANY reason! Why was it necessary to put it that way? Wasn't it enough to just say he died 06/19/2005? It seems so callous for them to hit us with those unnecessary words.

A good point Sharon. I don't think anyone means it to belittle the pain one goes through in losing their spouse to death, rather they are trying to relate. We need to accept others efforts in light of how they're intended. And you are so right, losing one's spouse does not equate with losing a parent, etc. Some people are very attached to their parents, children, friend, sister, etc., and the loss is of huge magnitude, but it is not the same as losing a spouse...the person who is your other half, the person who listens to you at the end of the day, the person you sleep with every night, the one who does half the chores and pays half the bills, the one you shared all your hopes and dreams with. They are different losses. And you are so right that while we feel we have our gut ripped out of us...it is them that didn't get to live or finish their life. But still, as said earlier, we are left with the hard part...the living on without them.

Terry, I am so sorry. I went through that too, and it's hard enough dealing with all of our emotions but to be hit financially is doubly hard. Did they lead you to believe there was life insurance and there wasn't? Are there any assets you can sell? When my George died I was hit with thousands and thousands of dollars in hospital bills that weren't covered under insurance, so I remortgaged my house to pay them off. A few years later a friend of mine lost her husband and he also had huge hospital bills and she told me she returned them to the hospital and told them he's dead and can't pay them and there was no estate, no money. They wrote her husband's off. I'm not sure that would have worked with me since I had a home and am working whereas she didn't have an income and he'd been on social security...at any rate, no one at the hospital would work with me, I tried. I'm sure every hospital is different in how they treat it but you might try letting them know he didn't have insurance or money and since he's dead, he can't pay his bills...see how that goes. Don't be too quick to burden yourself with them. I have to make mortgage payments until I'm 76 now, on a house I'd previously had paid off...since I won't be able to afford to make the payments on social security, it means I work until I'm 76 or sell my beloved home where I lived with my late husband...neither one a good choice. I wish I hadn't been so quick to step in and pay it off but I thought it's what I had to do. Anyone else know about the widow's responsibility for their spouse's medical bills???

That is a normal response that we've all been through, for a very long time we feel like we're just going through the motions of existence. I'm sorry...I wish there was another way to evolve through this,

No one likes it, but technically, the world considers us "single"...that's how we have to file our taxes and that's the box we have to check when asked. But in our hearts it's often another matter, and it takes time, much time, for us to even begin to realize our change in status. I'm sorry...that's one of the things I cried out about so loudly when my George passed away...I didn't ask to be single...it's one of the most unfair rites of passage that can come our way.

alone27, Yes the pain feels unbearable. I am so sorry you lost your husband. Please come here and share any time...there are a lot of people here going through the loss of their spouses and there'll be someone to hear you and respond.