kayc

Paula, My heart goes out to you...I didn't lay George's ashes to rest until two years later, I wasn't ready before. It's good that you're carrying out his wishes.

When I was raising my kids there was a child rearing book out called "Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Backwards"...I think grief is a lot like that. We have to realize that in the overal scheme of things, we're progressing forward...even when we're taking two steps backwards.

Been there... George's closet rod broke just a couple weeks after he died so I boxed everything up and when the time was right, I gave it to a cause I knew he'd want it to go to. It was hard cleaning out his car to sell it (I had to). But the worst was cleaning out his trailer (he lived in it during the week to be closer to work)...you could hear my wails miles away, I'm sure. It was way too soon. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't. There's still some stuff I haven't touched.

Thinking of you today...gosh, why does it have to go in spurts like this? I'm saying a prayer for you... Love, Kay

I don't know that I've learned much in the way of tasks, but just knowing that I survived it makes me feel I can survive whatever I have to...as I proved last year when I went through a horrible divorce. The tools we learn for survival are there with us always. I feel I interact differently with people than I used to, like I consider more things that they might be going through whereas before I might not have noticed. I know George would be proud of me for finding a new job, for surviving everything I've been through, for handling finances...and of my son for all the help he's lent me, and my daughter for being there for me when he died, all of that would have meant a lot to him. One thing I've learned is that family is everything. And I know he'd be proud of me for not letting his brothers and friends take advantage of me (and he'd kick their a** if he could!).

I'm sorry Jeannie, I do know how that feels, it seems like a cold hard reminder...and changing it makes you feel like they're getting that much more removed from you and it all hurts. Have your cry, we understand! Love, Kay

Thank you for your overwhelming response! My knee seems to be healing fine, but Arlie took me down again today...this time into a barbed wire fence, got a nasty gash. Kath, be glad your dog isn't as big! Still, it was Arlie that gave me kisses last night and this morning and never fails to entertain me! Jim called last night after he got home from work and said he wished he could have spent my birthday with me, and I know he meant it, he worked a very long day yesterday...sometimes things just don't go as planned. I felt like a spoiled brat last night, but somehow the fall, the empty nest, my flu, getting the bum financial news, the hectic pace at work, the computer problems, and the last straw...Jim having to cancel being with me, it all just combined to make me feel sorry for myself. Anyway, today's a new day and hopefully it'll get better! Love, Kay

I see there are so many new people on line here and I feel bad because I haven't been able to be on for a few days. I took a bad fall this weekend, then I came down sick Monday, I've been super stressed at work and my computer wouldn't work when I came to work, I've had some unexpected expenses and other bad news, and today was my birthday and it's just so depressing to come home alone and walk the dogs alone and eat a bowl of cereal alone...again. My son is back in college so I suppose that's part of my depression, and he's going to come take his dog in a week or so, I'm going to really miss him. I'm sorry to sound depressed, usually I'm so upbeat but everything just seems a bit much right now. Part of it is Jim forgot my birthday and had to work late tonight so I couldn't even see him...I know you shouldn't compare, but it's hard to not notice the difference...George always made a huge deal of my birthdays and it hasn't been the same since. I shouldn't complain, there's so many here that just lost their spouse and are really struggling, at least I have a few years under my belt...but there's times it just seems to hit all over again and I guess this is one of those times.

Thank you Mary Lou...I thought my life was over when George died and I made a really wrong choice when I married John, but happily that chapter of my life is over and I can focus on the rest of my life now. Jim is a very sweet person and I look forward to beginning our time together. I've learned so much in the last four years, it's incredible...it's not a path I would have chosen, but I have learned to be thankful for everything that's happened because of what I have learned if nothing else. I wish you the best in your future! Kay

It is out of the ordinary, but sometimes God works in mysterious ways...perhaps He felt you needed to hear from her so He found a way to have a long ago message sent to you when He felt you needed it. I think that's really cool!

Okay, you guys are the first ones I'm going to tell, outside of my children and my pastor...Jim has asked me to marry him. We spoke with our pastor yesterday and are set to begin counseling with him October 17. Many of you have walked this journey with me and have seen what I have been through...and after what I've been through I didn't think I could ever trust again, let alone find anyone I'd ever fit with. Well all that changed a few months ago with the acquaintance of a new friend and we were equally surprised by how well we hit it off. We look forward to getting on with building a new life together and enjoying this new found love. I know I couldn't have made it without all of your prayers and encouragement, and I hope you all share in my happiness...I won't stop coming here, you're all my friends and have been through so much with me. I have learned so much through the grief process...it gave me the tools to make it through the last year with John when I was dealing with so much betrayal and heartbreak. Without God's sending me someone so stable, calm, patient, and understanding, I don't think I ever could have tried again, but He knew what he was doing when He sent me Jim.

I think I have felt the change in seasons this last week and it's made me a little down...we haven't had the rain, we've had fires, but the rain is starting this week and it's clouded over, and I've noticed I go to work in the dark, come home in the dark, and the nights are getting cold once again. Bummer. Sometimes it not only matches your mood, but sets it. I'm glad you can see a bright spot in it!

Oh Kath, I'm so sorry you lost your aunt, I know how you are feeling, my uncle just died a couple of weeks ago. I do understand how you feel, feeling envious that she can go be with her husband while we're left here to deal with...our "now" life. You can share that with all of us and we understand. I pray your father will be able to get to the funeral without a hitch, there has to be a provision for death somehow to cross the border temporarily. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Love, Kay

Deborah, Yes the one year mark is a significant one but for me it was good in that it meant I had survived a year and had gotten past all of the "firsts without". The six month mark is different, it is when everyone has gone home and back to their lives and it's gone on and it feels like so many little things remove you that much further from your spouse...you can't smell their smell anymore, some of their possessions are gone, reality has set in, you now live in an altered state that is your life and you're grappling to make some sense of it, this new life of yours. I wish you the best in your adjustment, there are a lot of people here who have been there, and we have a new person on here that is also at their six month point as well. Take care, Kay

Nancy, Please let me add my Happy Birthday wishes to the mix...I hope it's been a good day for you.

Mary, I am sorry you lost your husband, and I want to welcome you to this site, there are many caring people here who have also lost their spouses. I know that suicide is one of the hardest things a person can have to deal with, and you aren't the first one here that has gone through it, I commend your efforts to raising awareness that there is help and hope for those who are feeling otherwise. Six months is a significant time marker in that it is when reality seems to kick in for many of us, so our thoughts and prayers are with you during this time. I wish you the best. Kay

Lucia, I'm so sorry you were sick during the time you were gone, that is really the pits! I hope you were able to enjoy at least some of your time. I know when I visited back there the Holocaust Museum was one of the most profound places I visited, very hard hitting. Hope you're all well now...and I know you miss Ben, and whenever you're sick or anything happens, it just seems to accentuate it.

Kath, I'm glad you're doing better. And maybe with a muzzle the dog could share your space, I'm about to get Arlie one...I couldn't trust him not to eat the couch or the carpet, I haven't got much left to lose, but I'd kind of like to keep something intact in my house! LOL I just had a huge scare with Arlie, I accidentally left the dogfood lid off and he overate, by about 12-14 cups, and got "food bloat", it could have killed him! He hurt so bad, he couldn't sit down or lay down, he was restless and crying, I've never seen an animal in so much pain! We walked him and had to take his water away and no more food for 36 hours, he eventually threw up and got a little relief so he could lay down and rest a bit. I am so glad to have my rambunctious happy dog back, I don't even mind the chewing! It amazes me how much he's wormed his way into my heart, I literally LIVE for that dog! His smile makes my day. So enjoy your little dog and any relief from back pain, and I hope your day goes well. I love you! Kay

Mary Linda, Thank you for sharing that with us, it was very poignant.

This is one of the hardest things one can go through...the adjustment to living with the gulf that now resides between us. It has always helped me to know that this gulf is but temporary and one day we will be reunited. It is hard to "do life" without them being a part of our everydayness. Yes, I can relate to what you are saying, I was exceptionally close to my mother in law and when she died, this is how I felt, for "before" we used to get together for dinner and play cards about three times a week, and we'd talk on the phone an average of three times a day...it was her I asked questions of like what to do with a colicky baby or how to get a stain out of the carpet. It was her that taught me how to make unfailingly great pie crust or the family's Italian Spaghetti Sauce Recipe. It was her that I shared my heart with and her I could turn to. How do you replace someone like that? She was always there, remembering everyone's anniversary or special days with her wonderful cooking and baking, the most thoughtful person I ever knew. The answer is, you don't replace them. It would take a myriad of people to fill their role and even then it wouldn't replace them. You remember them. You keep them deep in your heart and you use them as a role model in life, and you count yourself lucky for having had them. You cry for your loss and you go on because you know that's what they'd want and tell you to do. Each year that goes by you get a little more accustomed to this new lot in life, but you never forget and you never stop missing them...that is the huge place they carved for themselves out of what used to be your heart.

Deborah, Sincerely wishing you a very Happy Birthday! Love, Kay

Paula, You said it so well, sometimes it feels like they couldn't have left yet, and other times it feels like it's been a million years since you've gotten to see them. (((hugs))) Kay

Deb, Six months is one of the hardest times because you're no longer in shock and reality sets in...others have gone back to their lives and you're left wondering what is left of yours and why you have to do it. Just trust me that you get past this stage just as you've moved past the one month stage...and eventually you'll feel more able to cope, but it does take time. Just be ever so understanding and patient with yourself, this is quite a trauma to go through.

Boo, It goes in spurts sometimes when it's this far out, I know it took me a good three years to fully process and accept...I will always miss him, but I've stopped expecting life to be a certain way and accepted that it is what it is. You're like a beacon to the rest of us so you can't quit, but you can have off days or off weeks or month if that's needed...I'm sorry it's hard for your right now. (((hugs))) Kay

Kath, I'm sorry your back is hurting...I try not to even think about what I miss, it just makes it harder on myself, but I know what you mean. I still hate sleeping alone. I hope you're doing better by now! Love, kay