kayc

Kim, Your old "normal" is gone, and won't be back, but in time, you will develop a new "normal", if you can call it that, that is your new life as you know it. You do eventually get used to your life as it is, but as for liking and preferring it...there probably isn't any of us that wouldn't choose to go back to our old one if we could...but we can't, so we try to look for what good there is still left and make the best of what is left of the shambles of our lives. It won't always be so raw, as Kathy described, it will settle down into something you're more able to handle, but it does take time to get there...for now, it's one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. It won't always catch your breath away, but it'll always be there, does that make any sense? I know it's hard to handle, it will get better with time. Kay

Linda, What you are experiencing is not only normal, but typical. Life for us who have been dealt such a severe blow, is never again the same. You are still in the early stages of grief and can't possibly be expected to have "moved on" from this. It takes much time to move through the stages of grief to the point of "acceptance"...which Marty once defined, not as agreeing with or liking, but as somehow coping with better...the word I recall she used was coping, and it was explained that we get more adept at it as time goes on. We may learn to cope or adjust, but that does not mean our lives have moved on as in liking it and we never become indifferent to it. The fact is, it is such a crushing blow it affects everything about us and our lives. For some people, the deceased was not the core of their world and it did not affect their lives as much as ours, and so, yes, for them, life continued more as it had before...that is how they can plan their vacations seemingly unaffected. For you, you lost your best friend, your lover, the person who contributed to your income, the person who shared household chores, the person you confided in, the person who appreciated you, the person that gave you purpose in life, the person with whom you shared all of your holidays, your weekends, the person you slept with, the one you shared meals with, the one you talked over your day with, the one you parented with...and that person cannot be forgotten or moved on from. Others have shared here how they let the world think they're doing okay...and to some extent that seems to be what we do, but we know that we are never again the same. We become selective about who we share our innermost thoughts and feelings with, and we do so for self-preservation as well as our of consideration for others...it doesn't do any good to upset the rest of the world because our world has turned upsidedown. We find those that do understand, that don't mind our opening up to them, and it is to those kind souls that we sometimes turn to. We come to this site where we can say what is really on our hearts...and we cry in the wee hours of the night, or when we're alone, driving, or at the oddest moments when it suddenly strikes. But eventually, the tears turn to a hollow feeling in the pit of our stomach and we carry it inside, this stoic knowing that we aren't the same, life is not the same, we're hollow survivors trying to find some kind of meaning and purpose in life. Ahh but I've been at this nearly five years...as has Deborah and Evelyn and Walt...I have tried everything to "move on" and believe me, if there was a way, I would have found it by now. I have learned it is not so much a moving away from as it is my focus...trying to keep a positive focus, trying to fill up my life with something, anything, good...trying to learn how to exist. But no, it's not something you "move on" from, not in that way. I am truly sorry for your pain...it does numb somewhat, but it takes time and you will have to be very kind to yourself and gentle and understanding of yourself...you will have to stand up for yourself to well-meaning people...in a kind way, but firm nonetheless. Sometimes they can be out of line, especially the persistent insensitive ones. In time they'll back off from telling us what to do...funny too how that works, when you lose a loved one, everyone seems to feel they have permission to run your life...maybe it's because we're at a loss to, but we're not brain-dead, we are capable of making our own decisions, it just takes time and patience...one day at a time. Just never forget, we're hear to share in this, all of us.

Kim, George loved to fish too and I will never part with his fishing vest, hat, etc. I did pass our rods/reels down to my daughter and son-in-law because I think George would like to see the kids enjoying them rather than sitting in storage, and it's a way his love of fishing can be memorialized. I won't sniff them though! Kay

Maury, It's so good to hear from you! I'm so happy for you, CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU AND MELANIE! It's good to hear you're making headway and I'm so glad you have a life partner to share life with. She's really been there for you through everything, I think you found a keeper! Kay

Vicki, You may not be able to change anything for John, he has to find his own way, but you can continue to be there for him, love him, and pray for him, maybe one day he'll heed your good advice. Faith is worth it's weight in gold, so it's good thing you have that! You know, when my George died, I found it hard to pray, and I have always been an avid pray-er! No matter, our faith carries us and God was there all the time, whether I could reach him or not, whether I knew what to say or not, that's just kinda how He is! We do get through these hard places...and thank God for your little "bright spots"! Kay

Oh Mel, I'm so sorry to hear it. You've had more than your share. My prayers are with you. Kay

Kath, Love your story about the shoes! Kay

Yes, a lot to talk about...how many weekends have we spent on line? How many 1:00 in the morning times? This has been the one place we could go to without fear of disturbing someone, knowing there'd be someone on the other end that cared, that'd be up, that'd answer. Sometimes it just helps to realize we're not alone, we're connected. Have you read the post in New Beginnings? It broke my heart...

Vicki, This is a really hard one to try and answer...no one would want to make light of your situation, this is really tough. We all love our kids and when they hurt, we hurt. I'd rather die a thousand deaths than watch one of my kids hurting like this. I guess all that you can do is try to be there for them and to stay in the here and now as much as possible. Someone once told me (when I was going through a particularly stressful dark time) to live in the past is to invite guilt and to live in the future is to invite anxiety...point being, our only real living is in the present. When my husband passed away, it was a shock that knocked me to the core of my being. One of the very real things I've learned through it was about a month or two later when I ran across a refrigerator magnet...I believe it was God's message to me, it said: "Find Joy in each new day". It became my creed. Sometimes at the end of the day I would grapple to find joy in anything as I thought over the day but I hunted for joy, no matter how small...a puppy's kiss, a kitten's playfulness, a driver that let me merge, someone who held a door open, a rainbow, a sunset, getting to spot an elk, anything became fodder for my newfound joy. This helped me stay in the present and to develop an appreciative spirit. Yes I could focus on my loss and I could wallow in pity, no one could argue it, but in the end, it did nothing for me...I was still alone, still had my problems, still missed my husband. But there is something about continuing to smile in the face of adversity...it holds such spellbound power for us! It is contagious. You will always miss your son in law...I hope I never have to face losing mine, but my advice to myself would have to be the same (eventually)...Find joy in each new day. I realize that sounds trite, and I know it takes more concerted effort than it would to wallow in the dark throes of grief...believe me I know. I also know in the early days it's impossible. It takes time to go through the stages of grief and none of those stages can be minimized. We must experience them and go through them, we cannot circumvent them. But there does come a point where we have choices to make, and it is precisely how those choices are made that determine how well we'll cope with what life has flung our way. We don't get to determine the hand we get in life...only how we play it. I wish you well...please feel free to come on this site whenever you want...it has been here for me for the last nearly five years...it is here I have vented, cried, made friends, encouraged and been encouraged, rejoiced with triumphs, and experienced more than I could ever pen.

I hope you have a good time celebrating Kailyn's birthday. I know you wish Scott could be here to celebrate...who knows, maybe he's able to look in. What do we know? Hugs!!!

I hope they don't haul me away, but I talk to him. I lament to him about his being gone and leaving me, and I tell him things, mostly cry out how much I miss him and love him.

I don't know, probably the same reason I've kept a lot of stuff...it's from HIS life! I'd say if it bothers you, get rid of it, if not, keep it. Somehow I feel like "George's keeper"...if I don't remember him and hang onto his things, who will?

The most irrational thing I did was to remarry...one of George's friends was "there" for me after he died, and you all know the outcome on that. A bullet to my head might have been kinder and smarter!

Marty, Your response reminds me of another scenario years ago...I was working for an orthotic and prosthetic facility. My boss was attending to a patient's needs...the patient was missing his leg and my boss was making him a new one. The patient inquired if my boss was missing a leg and then proceeded to tell him he didn't think he could possibly help him if he wasn't missing any limbs himself. My boss (whose father was an amputee) was the inventor of the Myoelectric Prosthesis (moved by musclulature structure, otherwise known as the Bionic Arm) and great in his field. He replied that he wasn't going to cut off his leg just to please him, but he could make him a good limb if he wanted him to. Sometimes we cut off our nose to spite our face when we refuse good help from experts who may or may not have walked in our exact shoes, but may have great understanding of our situation and good insight and expertise to share.

Korina, Hey gal, what are you doing up at 1:00 am? LOL It's interesting what one person has to do is the opposite for the next person...some have to throw this away or that and the next person has to hang on to it...I think no matter how we deal with it, it's important that we do what most helps us cope...I'd advise against tossing too soon though, I've seen some who got rid of everything, and I mean everything, only to regret it...if that's the temptation, maybe box it up and put it in the garage or attic for a year and then see how you feel in a year. Once it's gone, it's gone. As for having a shrine, if that is what brings comfort, what does it hurt? Others need to understand, this is about US handling it the best way we can for US. It's not like there is a right way and a wrong way, there is only our own way.

I don't think my journaling is so much a "comfort" as an outlet...it's healthy to have some form of expression, an outlet for what is inside. I've used art, writing, talking, forums, just about anything to get it out. Bottling it all up seems to be dangerous...adds to high blood pressure, internalizing, etc. We'll all develop our own styles of journaling, it's not the form that's important, just the expression.

Hi Kim! It is so great to hear from you! I sent you a message yesterday but wasn't sure if you received it as it gave me a message that I'd already sent one within 15 minutes. It's good to know how you're doing, I have missed you! Don't be such a stranger, drop in now and then. You're one of my favorite people!

There have always been the most wonderful kind people here and we never had any problem until VERY recently. If you want kindness, start by being kind...don't be quick to jump down someone's throat. Go back and read their old posts...these people here have earned respect already. There has never ever been any of this petty bickering or defensiveness. This is a forum for healing, encouragement, wisdom, we don't have time for anything else.

John, I have a "Letters to George" file in my computer, and I write in it whenever the mood strikes me...I write to him just as I would if he were gone someplace, I tell him about my thoughts and feelings, what's going on, that I miss him. I don't write as often as I used to but it's been nearly five years so I guess that's to be expected as you begin to fill your life back up. I still occasionally feel the need to go there and write though.

This is a journey of ups and downs...I heard it described as three steps forward, two steps backward...so we are moving in a progressive manner even while we are going backwards. That helped me understand it better.

It was here that I learned that we can claim our spouse the first time we file taxes after they die. It was hard the first time I had to check "single", but it helped to at least be able to list him on the form...the next year when I couldn't it was tougher. It didn't seem fair to me that more gets taken out of your check when you're single and don't have any help with income...and we didn't even ask to have it that way!

Ohh, been there! Try to compromise... No it's not healthy to be alone all the time so force yourself to get out a bit and around people. But then again it feels like quite an effort sometimes to be around people and endure the well meaning comments, so allow yourself some time home alone. Don't feel like you must answer everything they say. Don't feel the need to always correct their ill-put comments. And do come here and vent whenever you want...here you have others that go through it and have been there...and understand.

Oh Kath, you and me both! I probably would have called in and told them not everyone chooses to end their marriage...some get that choice made for them. It is painful, whether by death or divorce, and I've experienced both. How we wish we could still have that loving relationship to share all of life together! I've no answer about the next 50 years except it's only 40 for me...