kayc

I am sorry, I know it's hard. I try so hard, I made the decision to choose to live, and I try to, but there are always reminders that send me reeling in pain. It doesn't stop. I've accepted that. I try to find good where there is and accept the pain and the loss, it's all I can do. I love you and care about you and wish there was something I could say to take away the hurt.

This morning as my son was packing to go on his elk hunting trip, he found a pair of new insulated Army pants, lined with wool with cinch-ankles, exactly his size, with the tags still on them. They were rolled up in a plastic bag in his room; he asked me where they came from and all of a sudden I remembered George buying them a few months ago "because he thought Paul would like them"...not for a birthday present or a Christmas present, but "just because". We both lost it and I cried all the way to work and even after I got there. My son is so amazed at this wonderful man that was his stepdad, how good he was at knowing just what a person would like...when he died, I found a note in his wallet of ideas to buy people. He was just so sweet and thoughtful! He left such huge shoes to fill...there just is no one like him. How do you move on when such a gap as this is left? This week is tough, our anniversary is Oct. 19, Wed., and I am so scared of how I am going to do it...my birthday was hard enough. I hope that man knows how much we love him, and always will.

This last week was really hard...it's the first time since I've enrolled that I haven't gone on line. I had been doing pretty well I thought, and then this week hit. It was my birthday Friday, my first one without George, and everyone at work was great, and then I went to a service at church. No one there remembered that it was my birthday and I didn't hear from any of my friends. I came home to an empty house, a house without George, and I remembered all of the things he had done for me, things he'd bought me, the wonderful way he'd treated me. He was such an expert at making me feel special and loved. He always knew just how to please me. The disparity of my life before and life after really hit me...everyone else's "lacks" just seem all the more clarified by his being so perfect for and with me. I miss him, incredibly. No one else is him, no one else will ever take his place, no one else will ever be my soulmate. I love my George, and I hope he's looking and hearing from wherever he is and he knows what he means to me. He was a wonderful husband, my best friend. I cried for hours and after a sleepless night I cleaned house frantically, as if I wanted to purge it. No matter whether I make our house a shrine to him or rid it of everything, it doesn't matter, it's still the same thing, it's missing him and it doesn't ever leave. My heart aches and the ache goes on.

Oh Dear, don't be so hard on yourself, you're not being punished, life happens and death happens and it's us unlucky ones that are left to face it...this is so fresh and hard to swallow...cry, rail, rant, vent, whatever helps you get it out, we understand and we care.

I too went to a funeral yesterday...it was a lady in our church and George dearly loved her...it was so hard. When we sang a certain song, I lost it. It's still so raw. I talk to George's friends regularly; most of them have moved on with their lives but a couple of them have really hung in there with me, it really helps to know there's others that miss him and knew how special he was. My family still grieves. While I don't wish this misery on anyone, still, I'm glad others loved him. One thing I've learned is it is hard and we all have to do it our own way and time. Grief, like the person, is unique. we owe ourselves much patience and understanding.

I am so sorry of what you are going through...just remember, one day at a time. Focus on and appreciate the moment...that's the only advice I can give. I went through this with my mother-in law, she was my dearest friend at that time. God supply you with strength and comfort as you go through this.

Trisha, I posted a reply to this yesterday but it's not showing up for some reason...I wanted to let you know we will be thinking of you and praying for you on Thursday

Oh Walt, I wish I could say something to make you feel better...but I don't know what that would be. You WILL join her...it's the waiting that's hard...but you do have family to make the effort for, I know it's not the same. I feel that way too...I know they have their own lives, and yet, we are important to them, even when we don't realize it. It's just the pain gets so hard to bear. I don't know what you mean about some people are able to move on...I don't know what that means. Those who have tried to forge some sort of life for themselves tell me how much they still miss their spouse...for myself, I only know that I choose to honor my sweet husband's memory until we can be reunited, and I'm just doing my best to survive until then...and if I can help anyone else along the way, that would be good. You have me curious about this movie...we don't have a movie theater in town, but maybe I'll take a look-see in the next town sometime. Hang in there, Walt, we care.

Trisha, Don't worry about "losing the thread of the conversation"...we all do...if you notice, we post a topic and it starts out about that and then we end up replying to each other and we end up in a different direction. That's okay. We are getting out of this forum what we need to. I understand about your wanting to be rid of his chair...the first thing I did was throw away all of George's welding clothes...I didn't want to see them again. I felt the job he had greatly contributed to his hastened death...they used him up until the day he died, cracking the whip and they never even paid their respects or said thank you for what a wonderful man he was, what terrific work ethics he had, what a great job he did. I like to sleep in his robe, and even though it's lost his smell by now, I can still imagine it for it lingers on in my memory. As long as we are here and our kids, their memory will be kept alive...and by the time we get to join them, the most important thing will be our joyous reunion! Good luck with the counseling, and we will all remember you in our prayers on Thursday.

Oh Trisha, of course you can't accept it, it's too soon, and you can't imagine ever being able to accept it...just remember, accepting that this is now your lot in life and you must make the best of it, does not equate with liking it or understanding it...that may never come about. We just do the best we can and largely because we have kids or family that we need to try for. And we will be there for even those who were callous to us...why? Because we know what it is to go through it and we wouldn't wish it on even our worst enemy...and those people who aren't there for us that we thought should or would be...they simply have no idea what it's like. I hope they never do.

Today I finally got around to putting together a package for each of George's kids...a favorite sweater, his Bible, his Baptismal and Membership certificates, some jewelry that had very strong sentimental value to him/us...it was hard to part with anything, but I have put it off too long, they need something to hold of him too. A young man we had written to for five years in prison got out this week...I picked him up from Boot Camp...I knew he wouldn't have anything but the clothes on his back so I packed up most of George's clothes and travel kit, wallet, and took it with me so he can use what he can and share the rest with others like him who are in need. I knew it's what George would want. I kept my very favorite items...his fishing vest and hat, the shirt he wore when we were married, the sweater he liked to wear to church, favorite shirts...and I'll never part with his robe. It's funny how these "things", these inanimate objects so signify the person who wore them...they feel a comfort to me when I go about my life...alone. Someone mentioned smelling their loved one on their clothes...I used to but it long since went away...but in my mind I will never forget his scent. How very lucky we were to have someone that we have loved like we do! There are many who have never had this. I feel very blessed, even in my alone-ness.

Trisha, I am so sorry for your loss of your best friend and soul mate. I lost mine on Father's Day...I would have been looking at taking care of George if he had survived for his heart was severely damaged, and I wish anything that I could be taking care of him instead of learning to do life alone. And I feel selfish for wishing that for I know he didn't want to be disabled...but neither would he wanting me going through this pain. We are here for you, we're all in this together, and we'll continue to be here for each other. It's not uncommon at all to lose your focus or have your mind wander, I have a hard time with that still and it's been over three months for me. Be gentle with yourself, this is the hardest thing one can face.

How sweet! That is a very special way of looking at it. I will have to keep that in mind.

Thank you...I do feel like I've made a lot of friends here. It's funny you mentioned this because I was just thinking the same thing this morning...how many wonderful people are represented on this site...they have passed on but they live on in our hearts and lives.

Thank you, Marty, How very well said, we appreciate everything you posted.

What you both voice is similar to what I said...the person giving the advice is a grief counselor, and I've read the same thing in different materials...I know what they are saying, I just don't agree with it. I told him I could not instruct anyone to say goodbye, that it is insensitive and offensive. I focus more on "acceptance of my situation" than on "saying goodbye or closing doors". I know my world has changed and like it or not, I have to accept that it's happened and live life as it is...but I don't feel I have to say goodbye. He said it's not healthy to have a shrine and I say it's none of his business, when he's lost his wife, he can talk to me about it some more. Anyway, I talked with my pastor about it and he feels my intuition is good and I don't need this other person's tutiledge, so I'm about ready to extricate myself from his "help"...I still want to get a mutual grief support going, but it will be much of what we are doing here, voicing ourselves, listening, and I'll have handouts and "exercises" to do...things like we do here, writing out things. The whole point is to have our voice heard, all of us, and have someone there to care and listen...we need each other, and who is better able to be there than someone else who is going through it?

What a legacy! You husband sounds so much like mine, except you had more time together. We, too, enjoyed the same things...I am still finding little "I love you" post-it notes around the house...he left them in cupboards, all over the place. We enjoyed each other, we loved each other like nothing I've ever seen before. As much as I hate being alone, I cannot imagine trying to replace what is futile to replace...I wait and long for the day I can go be with him again.

They tell us in our grief counseling to say goodbye to the relationship we had because it’s not there as we knew it any more…I don’t understand that, it makes me angry. They said we need to in order to accept the changes that have taken place, well I’ve accepted the changes, it’s not like I have a choice, but I still don’t agree with saying goodbye to George or to our marriage. Our marriage wasn’t just about who mows the lawn and who pays the bills, it was about our union, our love for each other, how perfectly we went together, it was about our choosing each other over all others in the world, and as far as I’m concerned, all of that still stands. Why do they have to get involved, anyway? It’s not like they understand, they still go home to their spouse. What do they know about how we should be, they didn’t even know how we were! I love you, George, forever.

I am ready to hear something good...I know your loved ones as someone who was sick or struck by tragedy or some unforeseen event...but every day I hear about how you love that person, and I wonder...I know about you, but I don't know about them...who are they? My husband was the sweetest man I ever met, loving...full of compassion, always helping people, and had such a wonderful personality, full of humor. Tell me about yours...

It has now been over three months since my beloved soul mate left...and it feels like at least 50 years. The more time that passes, he feels further away to me. I don't want to lose him. How do I keep him alive? I write to him in an ongoing letter, I kiss his picture good night, I still wear my wedding ring, but I'm so afraid of losing him. Where is he? How is he feeling? I hope a lot better than I am. I go on because I have to, but nothing about my life is the same. It's hard for me to remember good times when they seem so far removed from what my life is now. Now is lonliness, emptiness, a lack of meaningful purpose, no love. A far cry from what we had and shared. I wait for heaven to arrive for me...but it's hard to focus on that when I am caught up in the everydayness of life...going to work, paying bills, cleaning, doing laundry, getting the car fixed, the furnace repaired...where is heaven? When is my time? I know I shouldn't ask "why", it's futile, but why am I left here? I know we are supposed to ask "what am I supposed to learn/do/go from here" not the "why" but it's all so hard to understand. This is a long arduous process...

Thank you Walt, I feel the same way...when the site was down I was mostly concerned about being able to send a message to you on your special day.

Robbcity: Grief takes an incredible amount of energy and it's all the harder on us when we aren't able to sleep. The only thing I know to do is to take care of myself physically as well as I can...eat healthy food, drink lots of water, and take vitamins...go to Vitamin World and tell them your situation and they'll help you out with what you need. I am taking B12 time-released (for stress) and L-Tyrosine, I bought it when George had his second to the last heart attack because I thought I was going to be a caretaker...but it works well for someone grieving too, it's supposed to help support a positive mood. Also, exercise on a regular basis, that also helps you feel better and invigorates you. Green tea is good too. If you are able to pray, that helps de-stress you. A lot of people find it hard to pray when they are grieving...I have only really been able to get back into it within the last couple of weeks, so I understand if you find it difficult. Soothing music, anything that relaxes you...if you can do anything creative, anything you've ever enjoyed, a hobby...I have a couple of friends come up once a week and I teach them stamp-art. At first they said they were coming and I didn't feel like it even though I've always loved this hobby...I just didn't care about anything. But they forced my hand and now I'm glad they did, it was what I needed. Good luck, keep trying to find something that makes you feel better...just be careful not to escape with substances or anything unhealthy...this is a very susceptible time!

Rep1Right: Don't think badly of yourself...the shame is their's!

I'm trying to figure out what DGI stands for...dog gone idiot?

Goldsunshine: A year...it's only been three months for me...I lost my sweet soul mate on Father's Day. I don't think we ever get over it, I think we have to learn to live with it. I have been told it gets better with time, but it can take anywhere from a year or two to the rest of one's life...everyone's situation is so unique, it's hard to compare. The only thing we know for sure is that it is hard at best. It still feels surreal to me...I have finally accepted that it's happened...accepted in the sense that I finally quit railing at God about it...but it still hurts just as much...sometimes I am numb, sometimes I have a good day, and on a fairly regular basis, I still have "griefbursts" as I've heard them called. Anything can set it off. Last night I went up on a mountain that I'd never been before without George...and that was hard. I am constantly reminded by little things...I'll see something he liked to eat or hear music he liked to listen to, or see a sight we enjoyed viewing together...and of course, it's always lonely at home. I have been told by others that have remarried that even that hasn't filled the void, no one takes their place and the pain goes on forever. I know that doesn't sound very hopeful, but it's not the pain that changes, but us...we learn to focus differently eventually...we learn to accept what we cannot change...it's forever altered us, but for myself, I am trying really hard to do positive things to bring meaning to my life...even if it doesn't bring a lot of meaning to myself, maybe I can bring meaning to others. Let your feelings out...we are hear to listen, just like Evelyn said, we have been here for each other and we're here for anyone who needs us. It may have only been three months for me, but it feels like 50 years... KayC