R.Everit55 Posted September 19, 2016 Report Share Posted September 19, 2016 Tonight is one of those horrible nights. I feel like I failed and am failing my bride. I feel guilty for not being able to stop the ALS from stealing so many things from her and us and ultimately her life. I feel guilty because I promised to be strong. I'm not strong. Tonight my heart my body my mind my soul aches. I want to go be with her if only for a minute. Just to hold her look in her beautiful eyes and promise again that I will love her forevermore. But I don't get that option. And I'm hurting so bad. I don't want to ache anymore. I just don't. I want my bride back. That's all. Butch 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted September 19, 2016 Report Share Posted September 19, 2016 Butch, sorry tonight is so tough. I think we all feel that way. I feel guilt for so much that happened to Al. Doctors tell me that I actually extended his life by the care I gave. Dos not matter. I still feel guilt and anguish. I miss Al with all my being. It is hard to believe it will almost be a year. Hang in there, Butch. We are all in this lousy boat together. Holding on to one another. Gin 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Polly Posted September 19, 2016 Report Share Posted September 19, 2016 Butch, It must be that kind of day. I'm really struggling right now as well. I also feel guilty that I didn't push 2 different hospitals that brushed off Richard's pain and did absolutely nothing to check to see what was causing his back pain. Not sure if it would have made a difference or not. I hate going to bed each night. I miss him being beside me and holding me every night. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted September 19, 2016 Report Share Posted September 19, 2016 Me too. This is what I wrote yesterday, last night. "..........Already fragile I cant find the speaker to ply my music making bread. When I do its playing on shuffle all the fringe songs I can’t connect to. Things we didn’t necessarily listen to together. I YELLED alone at the shop, RON! PLAY A BETTER SONG! he would know what I meant and needed. The next song was “Stand by me”" (his favorite band, Journey)... What I heard in the lyrics was different -- it wasn't the pain of having nobody to stand by me when the night has come, it was as if "he" was saying it. Sung to me. With the verses telling me that I stood by him and helped him go, and now I can stand by him for strength - his spirit - as I struggle (last verse). Uggh not sure if that makes sense. And yet today I can't hold on. I try to imagine him by my side helping but it just hurts, like you said Butch. I guess we just have to hold on together. Mary would never feel that way about you. You have nothing to be guilty for. Even if you don't believe it, believe that we believe it for you. STAND BY ME, JOURNEY When the night has come And the land is dark And the moon is the only light we'll see No I won't be afraid Oh, I won't be afraid Just as long as you stand, stand by me So darling, darling Stand by me, oh stand by me Oh stand, stand by me Stand by me If the sky that we look upon Should tumble and fall Or the mountain should crumble to the sea I won't cry, I won't cry No, I won't shed a tear Just as long as you stand, stand by me And darling, darling Stand by me, oh stand by me Oh stand now, stand by me Stand by me So darling, darling Stand by me, oh stand by me Oh stand now, stand by me, stand by me Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me Oh stand by me, won't you stand now, oh, stand Stand by me 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jgillen Posted September 19, 2016 Report Share Posted September 19, 2016 Butch, I am so sorry you are having a hard day. Those days suck. Guilt is a tough one. Some days I tell myself I did what was best with what I knew, and other days, I feel like i failed Mike. Our sweethearts are the ones who get us through rough days, and they aren't there to lift us up. I know words may not ease the pain, but I really hope that your spirits are lifted tomorrow. Sending love and light. ((hugs)) 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted September 19, 2016 Report Share Posted September 19, 2016 I know that anguish Butch. I really do. But you didn't fail your bride. Please remember that you did everything you possibly could have but there will always be things we cannot control. You can tell her that you will love her forever. You need only say the words and she hears you. She knew it when she left this earth. She knows it still. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 19, 2016 Report Share Posted September 19, 2016 Butch I know that feeling oh to well of just wanting to hold them again and just wanting them back it can be so overwhelming at times you have nothing to feel guilty about we have no control over how much time our soulmates have on this earth, I know you Mary knows how much you love and miss her and I am sure she is looking down on you telling you she loves you to and she is there with your even if you can't see her, just hold on to her love. I hope tomorrow brings you some peace hugs. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 19, 2016 Report Share Posted September 19, 2016 Butch I know that feeling oh to well of just wanting to hold them again and just wanting them back it can be so overwhelming at times you have nothing to feel guilty about we have no control over how much time our soulmates have on this earth, I know you Mary knows how much you love and miss her and I am sure she is looking down on you telling you she loves you to and she is there with your even if you can't see her, just hold on to her love. I hope tomorrow brings you some peace hugs. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted September 19, 2016 Report Share Posted September 19, 2016 As Polly said, it must be one of those days/nights. Every one is hard, but some just swallow me into a pit of darkness. There is no particular trigger I can truly blame, but sometimes I just don't want to live like this anymore. The repetitive going thru the motions of this changed existence. How I've had to change so much because of his absence to fill in the hours. Knowing I will wake up to have to face it again. Will it be tolerable or torture? Butch, you are not alone. I don't have any guilt, but I do feel I am failing in this adjustment. I know Steve would not think less of me and I don't either. Some, ok many nights, I wonder how much longer I can keep doing this. Too much loneliness. My counselor said (and she lost her husband many years ago) that she can burst out in tears watching squirrels play because even they have someone. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted September 19, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 19, 2016 Thank you all for understanding. I hate that you all must understand and get this awful feeling. It's not fair. It's what is. And well that just sucks so much. It's hard to go to bed in an empty one. And there's no trigger really. It just hits. Peace to all you friends. ❤️ 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 19, 2016 Report Share Posted September 19, 2016 13 hours ago, R.Everit55 said: I feel guilty for not being able to stop the ALS from stealing so many things from her and us and ultimately her life. I feel guilty because I promised to be strong. I'm not strong. Butch, I'm sorry you are having a down time. You have nothing to feel guilty about, it's just part of grief. And the strength is that you are continuing even when you don't feel like you can. Courage isn't the absence of fear, but proceeding in the face of it. http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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