rdownes Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 I feel so stuck in this darkness I usually come out of it to an extent I usually can find my comfort and head towards a lite, sadness has completely taken over since Wednesday, I listen to his music and just cry no comfort, today is the five month mark, I talk to him and no comfort just a sad heart can't seem to climb out this time ,I sit with the pain but it only seems to get worse, I thought I was doing good, I was able to be positive and find my comfort I was able to post to a new griever with a sense of hope not just tell them I understand I need to find the light in this darkness again 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 Robin, Five months is so short and yet seems so long. I'm sorry that the past several days have been so hard. I know with my own journey any progress I made seemed so inconsequential. It wasn't until much later when I was able to stack many, many inconsequential days together that I could perceive a modicum of change. Over time you will find the sadness will not be quite so all encompassing. Smiles will force their way out with a bit more frequency. The ebb and flow of the waves of grief will calm some. And then just as you feel as if you might possibly survive another tsunami will force you to reevaluate everything you thought you knew about yourself. But it does get better, slowly but the grayness does yield to the sunshine. You will be positive again and that hope will stay a bit longer and you have us to lean on when those "good times" make way for the sadness. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 Oh, Robin, this is usually the awakening period of our grief. It is normal for you to feel the way you are feeling. The first part of our loss we are in a fog. About this time we start to realize that our loves are really gone and they are not just at the store or fishing or whatever. It will not be okay for a long time but it will get better. You will have those good and not so good days. The light will come. Anne 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 18, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 Thank you Brad and Enna for your words I am so grateful for your support this is just so overwhelming I am not used to not being able to find comfort from anything it is definitely getting harder not easier but I guess it has to get harder I guess it gets much harder I guess this is the start of my new reality and it hurts beyond words. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 Robin, my dear, please know that it is right around the four to six months point that we are hit with the full force of what we have lost. All the shock and numbness that served to shield us in the beginning has all but worn off by now. This is normal, normal, normal. That is not to say that it doesn't hurt beyond words ~ it most certainly does. I just want to assure you that you are neither weak nor crazy. You are not doing anything wrong. You are exactly where most people are at this point in your grief journey. I know it feels as if you've made no forward progress at all, but that just isn't true. The progress you've made is real, and you are strong enough to keep going. We are still here for you to lean on. Now is the time when the support of understanding others is most needed and most important. Stay with us, Robin, and know that you are not alone. ♥ 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 Robin, Everything they've said is true, it's not that it's gotten worse, it's the numbness wearing off so now you're feeling it. Little by little you'll adjust. There will be happy moments again, but it won't be the all the time happy you had with him, I've learned to take what I can get. You're in my thoughts and prayers, dear gal! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 the blackness feels so forever. sometimes the numb does too -- like, oh, i'm better now. but then you are walking down a sidewalk and bam -- you fall into an invisible black pit that popped out of nowhere. its the black and white world. in the black and white world, there is no white when there is black, and no black when there is white. it's crazy-making. it feels like forever. and then it changes. its so fricken hard not to judge ourselves. and it is hard not to withdraw. i think i'm failing the "living without therapy" challenge i am in, myself. but you aren't withdrawing. you posted. and that helped me post too. thank you. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 4 hours ago, Brad said: It wasn't until much later when I was able to stack many, many inconsequential days together that I could perceive a modicum of change. Over time you will find the sadness will not be quite so all encompassing. Smiles will force their way out with a bit more frequency. The ebb and flow of the waves of grief will calm some. And then just as you feel as if you might possibly survive another tsunami will force you to reevaluate everything you thought you knew about yourself. But it does get better, slowly but the grayness does yield to the sunshine. Brad really has it right Robin. I think those days can seem like a long time but then you find you have come out of it once more. While it will happen again, in time those days will be shorter in duration. I'm still quite capable of having them but two or three days a month gives way to many more days with smiles. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 18, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 Thank you all so much , Polly sometimes I feel like it would be easier to just withdraw and submit to the darkness but I know I have a family who still needs me and a husband who would not want me to give up I just feel so empty and sad beyond words right now I did see my butterfly yesterday I guess Kevin's way of saying don't give up. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 Robin, I'm glad you got that butterfly yesterday. Little signs like that can be such an encouragement. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jgillen Posted October 19, 2016 Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 Robin, I hope you can find your way out of the darkness. I am at about 6 months, and it is very hard right now. It is very real. It is hard to be positive without Mike. I hope soon that you have good moments and good days. Just last week, I had a couple of really good days, and then had a very depressing day just before our son's 5th birthday. I couldn't stop crying that day, but then thankfully had a good weekend celebrating the birthday. I often see butterflies when I am having a rough day. And one day recently I saw a tattered butterfly with badly damaged wings. She was still flying beautifully. I thought that was a strong message. Keep going!! 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 19, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 Thank you Jgillen, it has gotten harder for me I can't find the light just the dark, though everyone says it is normal and it is only reality setting in it feels worse than ever all I do is walk around with a heavy heart I have always been able to find some sort of light even in the darkness times my nature has always been a positive nature even when it looked like no hope I know I was blessed to of even known a love like I had and I need to hold on to it because love never dies, I think it is also hitting hard because even though I feel the pain, I have truly never been able to sit with it for any length of time, I work two jobs, I have five of my seven children at home so there is always a distraction.Me time doesn't really exist but sometimes I dred me time because it lets reality set in and it is a scary thing now though it is unavoidable the world will not stop because Kevin is gone and I can choose to hold on to Kevin's love and find my way or stay lost in the darkness I know what I want it is just hard climbing out. The butterfly you saw was an amazing sign, I love when they let us know they are still by our side it really helps. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 20, 2016 Report Share Posted October 20, 2016 Robin, I'm praying you find a sign that will be meaningful to you... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jgillen Posted October 20, 2016 Report Share Posted October 20, 2016 Yes, 'me time' can be the hardest time to have without our soulmates. I will pray that you find light and something uplifting very soon. I'm thinking of you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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