olemisfit

[Guest]

I wish I had known of this forum a yeare ago, but I just stumbled across it yesterday. My wife went into the hospital December 13th of last year (2015). The diagnosis was pneumonia, and on the 15th she was moved to the hospital's Critical Care Unit and immediately put on a ventilator. They extubated her on the 20th as a trial balloon, to see how well she would be able to breath on her own. She only lasted about 1/2 of that day, and then was put back onto the ventilator. They never even attempted to extubate her again. When I arrived at the hosp. for the hour-long allowed visit on the 20th she was sitting up in her bed, talking and joking with the nurses, and was in pretty good spirits. We talked for a while, and then she drifted off to sleep. That morning's short conversation was the last time my wife spoke to me or anyone else. On the 26th she developed a bad case of c diff, and she really slid downhill then. Late in the afternoon of the 31st while I was home for dinner her nurse called me at home to tell me that my wife had crashed. The nurse told me that they had been able to revive her, and that she was resting okay and seemed stable. She suggested that i not come back up that evening only because I most likely wouldn't be able to spend any time with my wife because of all the attention they were going to be giving my wife that evening and night. So i told her i would be up the next morning.  When i got there New Year's Day morning her pulmonary doctor talked to me and told me that if it was my desire to keep her alive that being attached to a ventilator and being warehoused (my word, not the doctor's) in the caliber of nursing home that medicare patients qualify for 24/7/365 is all that I would have to look forward to. That made an extremely unpleasant decision a bit easier to make. I told them to take her off the ventilator asap, and allow her to go be with God. 

We had been married for 41 years. 2/3's of my life had been spent with that wonderful, sweet, loving, beautiful woman. Making the decision and then saying the words out loud to end her life was the most God-awful, most difficult thing I have ever had to do. But to keep her around just so i could go peek in at her in a nursing home would have been nothing but cowardice and selfishness on my part. 

My first year without my anchor will end in another week. It has been an extremely hard year for me. I still miss her presence every day in 1000 different ways. Hopefully next year will be easier for me.

Grief is hard. It can be terribly gut-wrenching. But it is survivable. To anyone just beginning their grieving journey i say don't be impatient with yourself. No two people grieve the same, or for the same length of time. Our bodies need time to heal after a wound or injury. So do our souls, after we suffer a loss. Grieving is as much a wound to our soul as a gunshot wound is to our body. As the saying goes, "Time heals all wounds". 

My heartfelt condolences to any and all who have lost a loved one and has had to deal with the grief. I know where you are at. I've been there---I'm still there.

Olemisfit (Darrel)

[KarenK]

Darrel,

I am so sorry for the loss of your soulmate. Ron and I had also been married for 41 years and his end was much the same. In addition to heart issues and diabetes, he was diagnosed with multiple cancers in 2012. He was hospitalized 12 times in his last 6 months finally developing sepsis, aspirating and being put on a vent. His options for survival were as your wife's were and he would have hated it, so I made the same decision you were forced to do. Hospice transported him home to spend his last few hours and he left on May 5, 2013. A year later, I buried my daughter, who was a cancer warrior for 6 years.

It does get a bit easier to accept over time, but grief still resides in my heart and soul and probably always will.

I'm glad you found our family here, for that is truly what we are. We are the flickering light for each other in this sometimes very dark world.

I hope you have a pleasant holiday and take care.

Karen

[Marie Lee]

Hi Darrel, I can only imagine the 1,000 ways you miss her....after 41 beautiful yrs...

Kev and I had 28 yrs married, 30 together..total...

and boy did it fly by...and I see him in everything I do it seems....this is a great site to help all of us who are grieving....

much hugs and love to all..

Marie

[Marie Lee]

Hi Karen ....so sorry for your losses...tks for sharing....hope yours is a pleasant Holiday too..

 

Sincerely, Marie

[Margm]

6 hours ago, KarenK said:

I'm glad you found our family here, for that is truly what we are

Darrel, I have spent a lot of time trying to decide whether to go to a counselor and finally, I cannot find a counselor that would beat Marty.  She tells it like it is, but she tells it in such a way you feel you have been uplifted.  She also offers places to read.  I am a reader.  I can now concentrate a little better.  Just got through with our Christmas dinner and I am lucky to have two crazy kids and a crazy sister to match the insane me.  My granddaughter lives with me.  She is 17, and she is truly an angel.  But, I had 54 years of marriage and knew him for 55.  We were kids and we grew up together and we had a lot of ups and downs.  We made it though and the last 20-30 years were wonderful but I wanted 54 more.  I miss him very much.  We come on here and we tell it like it is.  Sometimes I get wound up and you cannot make heads or tails of what I say, and those are my word salads.  Feel free to share your grief, your breakthroughs, anything that you feel good or bad about.  We are here and we have most all gone through with it.  My Billy left on October 17, 2015.  But, I can still see him.  I just cannot listen to much music yet or look at his pictures much.  Holidays are tough, but so are all other 365 days.  We are here.

[KATPILOT]

Darrel I'm glad you stumbled in. Welcome and I wish it didn't have to be what caused you to join us but I hope you find some comfort here to ease you on your journey.

[WolfsKat]

34 minutes ago, Marg M said:

 My Billy left on October 17, 2015.

Marg, I see that you lost your Billy very close to the date I lost my Connor....he crossed over on October 21, 2015......but the 16th was the day he went into a coma he never came out of.  This has been a hell.....but, as you say, we are still here.

[rdownes]

Hello Darrel I feel your pain and loss you are farther along than me I lost my Kevin of 26 years  7 months ago I still miss him with every breath I take, for me as reality sets more in it is getting harder for me to keep moving forward but I keep trying time doesn't feel like my friend right now it feels like my enemy just one more day without my soulmate  I am so sorry for your loss and for your having to be here but I am glad you found us this is an amazing site it has helped me on many a hard night my heart goes out to you.

[Guest]

Thanks to each of you for your kind words and thoughts. My wife was my anchor. We both had outlived all of our families, so I had no family I could lean on. But thank God for good friends that have been "there" for me, and still are. I have pictures of her in every room of the house, as well as having her urn here, with all of our 4-legged critters that we had cremated over the years. When my turn comes, my ashes will be added to the others and scattered in the Gulf of Mexico. I live about 15 minutes north of Galveston Island on the mainland in Texas. (70 degrees here today on Christmas Day!) I still feel lost without my wife. I find it very hard to concentrate on things, and a good part of the time I find it hard to muster up the motivation to accomplish tasks that I would normally tackle without even needing to think about it. But I do feel improvement, especially over how I was in the Spring. I'll be 68 on Feb. 20th, and i don't suppose I'll ever remarry. I honestly have no desire to. How do you duplicate perfection? I have 41 years of memories to keep me grounded and content. We did everything together. We loved together, worked together a major part of our years together, etc. And the worst thing we ever fought over was me leaving the toilet seat up. Really major catastrophes like that. 

Overall, I'm looking forward to 2017 being a better year for me. Thanks again everyone for the kind words and thoughts.

Darrel (olemisfit)

[mik]

Darrel, your story reminds me of my own.  LC was in a nursing home, and everyday I prayed that he would get better. LC was only 58 years old. The outlook was not good, but I refused to give up. Doctors had told his step daughter and I in December of last year that we needed to make a decision about keeping LC alive. At that time I refused to let him go, as did his step daughter Allison.  He had been a coma-like state since November of 2015.  On December 25...yes, Christmas day, he had opened his eyes for Allison and tried to talk!  We were both so happy!!!  We had not yet learned of the extent of recovery that would need to take place and..if possible even?  We were just so happy that he was awake.  I was convinced that he would get well.  He spent many days in one hospital, then another, then another...Doctors could not find a reason why after back surgery he was so ill?  He would lay in bed, no movement, eyes closed.  For a time he began to open his eyes. He made no communication, he just stared, he looked like he was a shell of a person. He was being fed by tube. I began to believe I made the wrong decision when maybe we needed to let him go when doctors asked in December. He could not speak, could not move, could not talk, could not eat.  He would look at me with sad eyes. He had told me once before he never wanted to live like this (before he got sick)Decembers decision to keep him going had only seemed to have him suffer longer.In July of this year I was on my way to visit him at the nursing home. I got a call, telling me that he had had three heart attacks. Both Allison and I rushed to the hospital. There was very little brain function, LC was being kept alive by a ventalator.  We had to make this decison again.  For me too it was by far the worst, yet deepest experience of my life.  As they disconnected the life support Allison said goodbye.  I just held LC's hand and hugged him very tight. I cried like I have never cried before.  And I let him go.  I had to, he deserved that much from me.  I love this man, I will always love him and I look forward to the time that I can once again hold his hand and look into his eyes.  In fact I can hardly wait!

[mik]

For everyone who has had to go through your own loss, I wish you all peace and comfort, as hard as it is to come by. Today was so hard. I cried a few times, and hid the tears

I made an announcement at the gathering of family and friends today. Before anyone opened their gifts...I stood in front of everyone and requested a moment of silence in honor of LC's memory.  If anyone was "uncomfortable" by that announcement, they did not express it.  I reminded family members that this was something we would ALL experience.  My thoughts on this- I have every right to grieve and expect the support of my family.  Sometimes it is eaiser to just say what ya need, and do what you have to do! 

Edited December 26, 2016 by mik
forgot piece that belonged in sentence

[kayc]

Darrel, I'm sorry you also lost your spouse and have been facing the first year of withouts, so hard.  I'm sure that would have been no way to live and she surely appreciates your decision for her as in her best interests.  It's so dang tough because we'd love nothing better than to see and talk with them but we don't have that option...I still talk to my George anyway.  Wish so much I could get an answer.
I hope you'll continue to come here and post, I'm glad you found us.

[Finch]

Darrel, my thoughts, like everyone elses' are with you. You will always have refuge here, no matter how dark things seem.

[Margm]

12 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

This has been a hell.....but, as you say, we are still here

But, just like everyone else, we are still here, and some days I am glad.  I have to keep remembering that he said "the one left must stay."  I don't think any of us wanted to stay.  

Okay, I deleted some stuff.  Sometimes I start on a rant that does not belong anywhere but in my crazy wired brain.  This is about us still being here.  And right now, I am glad I am here.  I miss Billy miserably, but as said "promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."  Like I have a choice.  I used to put down "when its your time to go" sayings but now I believe.