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Forgetting to Remember and Remembering To Forget


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Time stands still when one's spouse dies. Just because time stands still and everything appears to be in slow motion, it doesn't stop our brains from running 100 mph. Our minds and bodies may simply go into overload. 

In the wake of sadness and grief, I have developed a keen ability to forget. I forget on a daily basis- tasks that are clearly written on my multiple lists, what is on my schedule, even what day it is. It feels as if the simplest of things require too much thought and effort. It is like "forgetting to remember."

I have to wonder if this forgetfulness is an innate human instinct to remind us to stop and take a breath so our brains and our bodies can refocus it's energy. Isn't it ironic that through forgetting we can be reminded to pave a pathway towards remembering? It absolutely drives me crazy to forget. I usually end up thinking of my forgetfulness as a failure, which it is- Except it isn't. 

I am on a quest to reframe how I think in order to positively affect how I feel. I fail miserably at this each day, in part because my brain is overloaded, but sometimes I am able to give myself a break and simply allow myself to drop the ball without being so tough on myself.  

During a workout last week, the trainer was pushing me harder than my body and mind wanted to go, but I asked for a challenge. I was holding a plank on a balance ball and I simply fell flat on my face after a shorter period of time than I had hoped. The trainer tried to redirect me and do something different, but I was deyermined to accomplish that task. I got back on the ball and held the plank for a PR. Messing up is just an opportunity to meet a goal. Remembering that it is okay to forget is a gift of grace.

Forgetting is okay. Having to remind oneself to reframe thoughts is okay. Giving ourselves permission to screw up is okay. Hell, it is even okay to make a royally big ass mistake as long as we get back up and keep going. Just some Sunday night ramblings from an imperfect person whose brain occasionally gives her a break, affording her a moment of insight. ❤

Mary Beth

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Good insight, Mary Beth.  Forgetfulness has been my buddy a long time now.  I make lists too, always did just for the fun of crossing off accomplishments.  Now I need them and keep a pad and pen by the bed as something inevitably comes to me when I want to go to sleep.  Now, tho, they have become actual chores I can look back on and say I did SOMETHING today.  Today also being something I have to concentrate to remember when I wake up.  

Being alone now, so much of what I do is hard because it's not noticed by anyone anymore.  I clean because I don't want my home to reflect my emotional state.  Plus I'm a little OCD about.  But I notice that I let things slide longer.  There's a lot less to do being alone also.  Same with shopping for food, everything has changed.   I'm not relishing this single life at all.  

I guess we can add getting off topic to the list of changes.

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I've always written things down, live by lists.  When George died, it affected my brain, seriously.  We have been through so much trauma, is it any wonder it affects us physically?

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For this Ptown trip packed very carefully. 

Got flashlight out - forgot

Wrote check to grief counselor to mail later - forgot

Had script for antibiotic from dentist in case recent procedure acted up - forgot

And worst, said I wd bring beautiful heart Susan knitted me for Valentine's Day everywhere - forgot 

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15 hours ago, mbbh said:

the trainer was pushing me harder than my body and mind wanted to go,

I admire you  greatly for having a trainer.  Personally, at my age, he would be the first thing I forgot.  The second would be the list.  Oh, I make them occasionally, sometimes I have to for the grocery store.  I hate lists.  The forgetting part is something my family is used to and I'm not sure if sometimes they might lie to me about reminding me of something, but I do keep a calendar, and they all call me to put down their appointments.  I still do that.  Sometimes I feel the forgetting is on purpose (for me) and it does not bother me anymore.  

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Marg M,

I go to Planet Fitness and take certain classes, when I can remember. ;) I wish I had a personal trainer, but having the funds to do that went out the door when John died (not that the funds were there to start with). 

I don't particularly like lists either, but I do find that between that and my calendar, I am slightly less likely to forget where I need to be and what I need to do... slightly being the operative word. I wish I could get to the point you are at with not worrying so much about the forgetting. Maybe one day.

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Talk about forgetting! Once again, my mind has let me know that I am not really okay. Since Ron's "Angelversary" on May 5, I have been thinking of Debbie's upcoming on June 27. After a normal sleepless night, I was laying there at 7 AM and it hit me. She could not have died on June  27. After six years of fighting cancer, she was amazed that she had just made it to her 50th birthday. I can only say amazed, not thrilled as she knew she was dying. Her birthday was July 15. She died on July 27. Just the fact that they are both gone still blurs my thinking process. I wonder now if I got the date wrong in 2015 and 2016, but I guess it doesn't really matter. It doesn't change the final outcome.

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I think being "older" that I use my age and forgetfulness sometimes to excuse whatever I have forgotten.  I also use it when I am shopping for something, all you have to do is hang your head and explain.  We have many fine men and women that will help you.  There are also those that will take advantage of you, and you can point them out right away.  I am not adverse to dirty tricks.  

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I have been using day timers, planners, and lists for at least 20 years...I am annoyed at myself when I forget something for the second/third time...Usually a Grocery item...I refuse to make individual trips for solitary items(I'll suffer it out and make sure it makes the list)...The whole carbon footprint thing is hitting home....Back when life was normal, one of us would always 'come through" with the memory or remember the list.....How many times have we left the list on the kitchen table..../?

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I have to wonder if this forgetfulness is an innate human instinct to remind us to stop and take a breath so our brains and our bodies can refocus it's energy. Isn't it ironic that through forgetting we can be reminded to pave a pathway towards remembering? It absolutely drives me crazy to forget. I usually end up thinking of my forgetfulness as a failure, which it is- Except it isn't. 

Mary Beth.. This is soooo me ...still a bit scattered brained at the one year mark .. perhaps it will be a new normal?

 

Peace- Marie

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22 hours ago, TomPB said:

For this Ptown trip packed very carefully. 

Got flashlight out - forgot

Wrote check to grief counselor to mail later - forgot

Had script for antibiotic from dentist in case recent procedure acted up - forgot

And worst, said I wd bring beautiful heart Susan knitted me for Valentine's Day everywhere - forgot 

Grief does that to our brain.  It's very hard to focus/remember/think.  Go easy on yourself!

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2 hours ago, mbbh said:

I am hopeful that it is temporary. I must hold on to hope that our brains will recircuit themselves and memory may return, though I think timing and grief are so very individualized.

At 12 years I can honestly say that some of my brain returned, although it has never been the same as it was "before".  I was better at my job "before".  It's like it damaged my brain!  But little by little it began returning, even though not wholly intact.  As to when this happens, it's different for everyone.  It took me a year to be able to watch t.v.  It took me ten years to become fully engaged in reading a book cover to cover.  I still struggle with work (Office Mgr/Bkpr) because it requires a lot of brain/thinking, a lot of details, a lot of being in charge of things, intricate details and that's the hard part.  I no longer trust myself to do as good a job as I once did, I used to have such confidence in doing a perfect job!

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Almost two years for me and my Cognitive skills are at least 80%of what they were......Memory is enhanced with mentioned lists, but things are improving brain wise.I am at the point I'm smart enough again to take precautions..like my Golf game,not as good as I used to be....but progressing.....The Journey

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mbbh I'm a competitive swimmer and I've been hoping I might forget the need to back off when my body says it can't keep pushing but it hasn't happened. Worse I feel grief in the pool when it always used to completely clear my mind. 

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I really understand that, Tom.  So many things that used to feel really good just don't anymore or (hopefully) yet.  The frustrating part is we won't know until or if it happens.  I haven't been a big fan of the word hope bcauseof many setbacks, but I do keep it in my vocabulary.  

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