I Feel So Isolated And Alone

[kayc]

Does anyone else feel this way? I try to keep busy, surround myself with people but I don't feel close to them anymore, even my own family, I feel like they don't understand what I'm going through, I feel like I'll never be the same anymore, and I don't even care. I've pulled back. What is happening to me? The ones I'd like to be close to don't contact me...I don't hear from my kids much, and our old friends vanished. I haven't heard from George's family since the memorial service so I guess I'm not part of the family anymore. His kids don't email. His friends moved and left no forwarding addresses or phone numbers. Everyone else moved on! I don't even feel a part of my church anymore and I don't feel like they care. Maybe they'd rather be done with me, maybe I'm too much trouble. What is happening? Why is it getting harder instead of better? It's been ten months. Does anyone else feel like this? And George feels so far away. Where is he, my husband, my soulmate? Where did he go? Why can't I talk to him? Why can't I reach him? Does he still love me? Oh George, I miss you so much! I want you to hold me! Enough is enough! I can't take much more of this! I don't want to do it anymore! Come home and make everything right again!

[WaltC]

Dearest Kay

I expect many of us feel that way from time to time. I know that I do lately, especially these past few days.

We will never be the same again - that is for sure. When our loved one died an important part of us died too.

I never recieved a single solitary call, email or card from Jeannie's family on the first anniversary of her death.

Do they even care - how would I know?

I guess I am not part of her family now. I do admit that I made no attempt to contact them either, so maybe they feel that I don't care either.

I don't know why it gets harder. Weren't we promised it would get better with time. Maybe time does heal all wounds, but how long will this healing process take?

One thing to consider though is that your George is not far away, even though I know it feels that way sometimes. In reality he is only

Just a Breathe Away

Of course he still loves you - he always will!

[Dusky]

Kayc,

Yes – I feel what you are describing. If there is any consolation in having “sad company” with you – I am there. After Jack died over 8 months ago people “hung around” and continued contact for about a month – and since then it has been a slow and steady vanishing act.

I do feel fortunate to have a small circle of friends and family that I can count on and trust – but I have been amazed at the people (friends) who have vanished – and some family who has done the same. Jacks Son - Whom I helped raise – who I have been, as close to a Father to as any one could be – did not call on Easter – and he still lives in the same city I do. Next Month he and Jack’s Granddaughters are moving to Michigan – and I feel like I am losing another piece of Jack - again. Their lives are moving forward – and mine is still in the overwhelming process of incorporated the loss of Jack into my life.

I have gone on a two-moth campaign to contact 3 or 4 friends that I do not wish to lose – but who are part of the “vanishing crowd”. I will continue to do this for a bit longer – but eventually – if I do not start receiving some “initial” phone calls in return rather than just “return phone calls” to the ones I have made – I will stop beating my head against the wall – and let them vanish. I will have done all I could at that point to maintain contact. At some point friendships have to be a two way street. Right now - with some of my friends - I the griever - am doing all the work to maintain friendships – but I will not do it forever. It will either - eventually become that two way street as it should be – or the road will end when I stop calling them. And I will have known I did everything I could to try to maintain those friendships.

And so I continue this seemingly endless march of grief – but I am determined to show those who are vanishing from my life - that like a “phoenix” - I will rise from the ashes of this disaster – and carry Jacks beautiful spirit into my future. I am determined to form a new life – with the essential elements that created the grand life that Jack and I shared. Part of him will be with me forever. Others may have forgotten him – or moved on – but for me the process must continue due in large part to the strong love we shared. The pain is strong and deep because the love was just as strong and deep. In some ways there is a consolation in the fact that the pain is great – it makes me fully aware of how strong and deep that love was.

You’re right – everyone else has moved on – and this is now ours to deal with as best we can. Thank God for sites like this one – at least we can vent the frustration.

I do still feel Jack loves me – but my dreams of him are no nearly as often as I wish. I seem to be slowly – ever so slowly – coming to the realization that the pain will be here indefinitely and it will be my task to incorporate it into my life and somehow find a reason to live – a meaning to life – and a meaning in why it all happened.

I still find myself talking to him and – saying things like “Why did this happen to you?” “I miss you so much.” “I hate living without you.” “How can I go on without you?”

But when I’m honest with myself I still also hear that message described in my Popcorn Seed Poem that read:

”For me a message was received – an opening of a door.

That little seed from who knows where is urging me – ‘go on’

Live your life – ‘remember me – Begin Your Brand New Dawn”

And I still feel it in the Humming Bird Poem that read in part:

“I took just one step closer – and you beckoned – ‘John Boy – See’

And then your little head would twist – and turn to say – ‘Its Me’

The show continued onward as you fluttered tiny wings

The sun now glistened on you clearly – asking you to sing”

“Just like the life we shared for years with color and with style

Remembered in the visit from ‘The Humming Birds – Sweet Smile”

There are many people who have disappointed me in their reaction to the grief process. Sometimes I have a tendency to take it personally – and sometimes I really feel like it is personal. It’s probably a mixed bag in that respect. Some of the people who I feel have hurt me with there absence probably do not even realize it – while others know they are absent and don’t appear to care. It’s the second group that is the most disturbing to me – and the hardest to get over – to reconcile and to forgive.

So as hard as it is - I am going to try to concentrate on things like the “Popcorn Seed” and the “Humming Bird” – and pay less attention to people who simply do not understand this kind of pain - or don’t want to be bothered with the pain or me. God – give me strength!

And so in answer to your question – “Does anyone else feel this way? – Yes – and that is how I am tying to deal with it.

John - Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[Guest Guest_Deborah_*]

I, too, am having that same awful experience KayC, sad to say. It definitely has gotten worse lately and NOT better. Its such a cruel experience to me, to have lost the person I loved most in this world and then to have to adjust to loss of friends, distance from family, etc. Actually coming here gives me the most relief in my day. I just can't understand why comfort can't come from the people that were in my life before Larry died. My own mother said to me yesterday (Easter) and (five month anniversary of his death) you need to stop thinking of only yourself. Lord, what are people thinking??? I hope you know you have a friend here who understands and shares this grief experience with you. Deborah

[ustwo]

I guess I should feel lucky as my close friends and family, mine and Gene's are still there for me. What's changed is the deafening silence when I mention his name. Our children are the only ones I can seem to talk to about Gene. I am grateful to still be considered part of Gene's family but why can we not talk about Gene? The couple of close friends call but mostly to talk about their problems. Yes, in the past I always had a shoulder big enough to hold all their problems but I just don't have the strength to listen to what I consider the trivial problems in their lives. They have no idea what's ahead. Gene touched so many lives. GENE STILL MATTERS! I miss him so much. I just want to be alone with my memories. I will never forget...I will never let go. My heart beats with Gene's love.

Always you and me Gene!

Always!

[kayc]

Thanks...I appreciate all of you sharing. I don't know how to survive this...one day at a time, I suppose. One day at a time.

[ustwo]

KayC, I wish I knew how to survive this. There seems to be little point in just getting up in the mornings anymore. Back to not sleeping and thoughts of Gene's last day. I don't know how to pull out of this fog again. Knowing I'm not the only one does at least let me know I'm not alone. Wish we all could find some peace somehow. Only you and the others here know what I can't even explain to my children.

Always Gene!

Always!

[Guest Guest_Deborah_*]

Gosh, we are all so pitiful right now. My mind has left me, I can't think straight at all right now. All I CAN remember is the last three days Larry was alive and the last conversation and it haunts me. Nothing is making any sense to me. I feel like I don't know anyone anymore. My two dogs seem like they have given up watching for him to come home. I know how they feel. I don't know what to say right now to each of you to try to help. We just have to hold on, I guess.

[Guest PattiZ54]

I don't know what to say. I am feeling so bad for all of you - and at times, myself. I am sorry that your friends seem to be distant, but since "IT" didn't happen to them they have their lives to continue on with. The phone calls have definately subsided, but I can't say that I have "lost" any of my/our friends. They don't call as often and I guess that would be because when they do and ask how I am, I tell them that I'm doing OK. When they ask you can't "dump" on them about how you really feel - only people like us KNOW how you really feel. My motherinlaw, for one, knows how I feel. She lost her husband 16 years ago and has now lost her youngest and only son. SHE knows how I feel and she tells me that all the time. It's hard to talk about Charlie with her because it upsets her so much and I don't like to see her cry. My sisterinlaw and brotherinlaw are still some of my dearest friends; we hang out together and when it comes up, we talk about it and cry with each other and hug. My daughter, who will be 28 soon (Charlie was her step-dad), is always there for me. I know it hurt her alot when he passed away, but she has 3 kids that "eat up" her time. We include him in our conversations, but I don't think she really knows how I feel. If she knows that I'm having a bad day, she will call me and check on me. I would be LOST without all of them!

In June, my motherinlaw, sisterinlaw, brotherinlaw and myself are driving to California to spread Charlie's ashes. His birthday is June 10th and that's the day we have decided to do it. I wanted to do this last year because in a letter he left me, it was his last wish and I feel compelled to get this done for him. He would have done the same for me! BUT since the hurt was still so fresh I couldn't get anyone to go - so it's on for this year. I think I will feel better once he's "flowing" free.

I have good days and bad days depending on what's happening in my life. I do think that time has helped some and I do think it will help all of you, too. You just have to take it one day and one step at a time. I still cry and probably always will because I miss having him in my life so much. Things are just not the same! and we had such a good relationship and loved each other so much. (see, now I'm crying!) But the tears don't last as long as they did before. I try to keep busy.

I hope all of you will try to be easy on yourselves and just take it one moment at a time. Just carry them in your heart and they will always be with us.

My thoughts are with you today and everyday. Hold onto their love because they still love us and always will!! Keep coming here - I know it helps me alot. Have the best day you can.

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58-11/16/2004 - I love and miss you, Dear!)

[kayc]

Evelyn, It is good to hear from you again.

Patti, Thank you for your encouraging words, they give us hope that it will somehow get a little better...June 10 is my father's birthday too, he has been gone for 24 years this last week. I hope your trip to release his ashes will be a very good one. I still have George's ashes, we'd always planned we'd keep whoever's died first until the other one went and then have the kids scatter them together...in our back yard, that is where we shared our best years. I carry him with me always.

Edited April 19, 2006 by kayc

[spela]

KayC,

I've been thinking about what to say to you. I know these feelings. For a long time I felt the same. Not only lonely, but also abandoned. Everybody moved on, they don't call, they're not there for me. It really became unbearable, I was angry at everybody and mostly at myself for not being the same positive person as before and as I "should" be. I realised I had to do something about it, and get out of this circle of accusations. That is what it was really about: I was blaming others for not being there, and blaming myself for being such a negative person, unable to express my feelings, hiding my pain behind this mask of irony. I realised that my cynisism is really a mask, which I use because I'm afraid to let anybody know how vulnerable I really am. I use that mask when I really need a hug and want to cry. Yes, a lot of blame and guilt. But I made one small, and yet important step. I made a decision that I'll make it - by myself. I won't expect my "friends" to be there or to explain why they never called. I will just stop expecting anything from others. It is how it is, they're doing whatever they are, maybe they're doing the best they can. It is not them who matter, it's ME, I'm responsible for MY life. I have to find the meaning again, have to start living. I have to do that, I want to do that and I will do that. Slowly I am starting to do that. But it started with a decision. A short sentence: I'll make it. ME, MYSELF. Short sentence which I have to repeat to myself a lot, and sometimes I still don't listen.

Take the decision. You CAN make it. Decide that you want to make it, and you will find a way.

[Charlie]

Hi All,

I also feel the way you all do, so isolated from the people and things I use to do. I just do no fit in anymore and feel like I am on the outside looking in at the world now. I do not feel part of it and everyone around me acts differently. I met another widow on another web site and we have become good friends sharing our grief and her and I feel like no one understands except the two of us how alone and vulnerable we feel.

Life does not hold any excitement or promise anymore and as I watch my children, co-workers, and strangers just going on with their lives, making plans, looking forward to the future i sit back and watch like I am not part of that world anymore.

I am sure all the rest of you here know exactly what I am saying, any advice ????

I have went back to work, in the process of selling my home, going on a cruise, buying a new home, but nothing seems to fulllfill my empty spot. I cannot get excited about any of these things, I just live without a purpose.

For 46 years I had a plan and now I have nothing.

Grace

ONLY YOU

7/1/38 - 10/20/04

[kayc]

Fortunately I do not feel this way all of the time...but it does hit sometimes. Just as I was feeling really low last Tuesday evening, my son called and talked for 1 1/2 hours...it perked up my mood immediately. I thought about how much that one phone call meant and I realized that I feel very alone and uncared about at times and I am overwhelmed by some circumstances in my life, although I am doing my best to tackle what I can. There are times when I especially miss George and often it is when I am realizing afresh his irreplaceableness...when other people or circumstances seem to show up his wonderful qualities next to their lack...but really, that is a good thing, that is a tribute to him and his specialness. Other people possess their own good qualities, but no one will replace his...and that's okay. That I had him for a time in my life at all is really wonderful. I am having to learn to be more flexible with life, to go with the flow, roll with the punches, be willing to try new things or different answers. We lose friends, we lose jobs, we lose our partner that we love, we may lose our home...but with each loss comes the opportunity to learn or discover something new. I have here on my desk a quote that I recently copied from somewhere and it says

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

Edited April 24, 2006 by kayc

[angeleyesforhim]

hello, you and i share many things together, i lost his family the night of his funeral and they left me at the hospital to watch there son die. i need closer, you are lucky if you are one that has reached him through your dreams roger has not yet to find me. god bless you and find strenghth were ever it may be.

[cheryl71]

I lost my husband last month in a car accident. I'm having the same problems. My brother in law and sister in law have been great about everything. But the loneliness is always there. And I can't help thinking, they still have each other. I feel like there was part of me ripped away. The nights are the worst. That's when the I can't get the images of him in the ambulence out of my head. I didn't get to say goodbye. I couldn't go with him. I had to follow my children to the hospital.

I have three children under the age of ten. I'm trying really hard to be upbeat for them because my son asked me when I was going to stop crying. I had to go back to work and back to life like everything was normal. Even though they're here, and I'm taking care of them, I'm still lonely. I'm constantly sad and tired. I wake up numerous times every night. I really don't want to do anything, but I have to. So, now I've just resigned myself to try and push through it and stay busy. I don't really know what to do. I feel like if I just stay at home and try to deal with it, I'll just end up doing nothing and being sad forever. On the other side, if I continue to stay busy and deal with every day life, I feel like I'm running from everything.

[kayc]

It still bothers me that our pastor and his wife went off on vacation like nothing the morning after my sweet husband passed away. What, wasn't he prominent enough? Would they have done that in spite of just anyone passing away? Couldn't they have put it off a week or two? They left me alone to make all the decisions and to find someone else to hold his service. That hurts. I have a difficult time believing they really care. I'm sure it turned out for the best as I contacted a previous pastor that George had been close to and he and his wife were wonderful and came and held his service, George would have liked it. But I don't understand the insensitivity that was displayed by the hospital staff and our pastor...let alone all of the friends and family that dropped off the face of the earth. Death isn't contagious after all, but it does need to be dealt with by those of us left here.

[kellymarie]

"I try to keep busy, surround myself with people but I don't feel close to them anymore, even my own family, I feel like they don't understand what I'm going through, I feel like I'll never be the same anymore"

"Why is it getting harder instead of better"

"I just do no fit in anymore and feel like I am on the outside looking in at the world now."

I have to say this is EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now. I feel like I could have written those words, especially the past two weeks. I reached out to my mom over the past 2 months since Josh's death, and she absolutely has NO idea how to be there for me. Yesterday she told me she was embarassed that I cried in the airport with her (about a month ago) the day after I helped Josh's mom go through many boxes of Josh's belongings (a month after his death). I have never felt so distant from her in my life, and this is when I need her the most. I've been asking her to please please just call me to see how I'm doing; she can't even do that. It's very sad, another loss in my life.

I feel, too, like I will never be the same, and from reading alot on this site and other places, I've accepted that I will never be the same person ever again. I've given up the fight to feel "normal" again. But I've also made the decision to become a new person, a deeper, more understanding person.

I feel like it's getting harder too. I'm hoping it's another phase. Someone had recommended on this site "Healing after Loss," (thank you so so so much) and today's thoughts say that the feeling of fresh new grief can come back without warning. (That was the last 2 weeks for me...) but that we should be gentle with ourselves and accept that these "storms of the psyche" are part of the "passage on the road to recovery." So I guess it's o.k. if we feel like it's getting worse; it's part of the journey.

"Death isn't contagious" You're absolutely right about that, but I've learned that people are SCARED of death and scared of us because we're dealing with death in such a personal way.

[kayc]

But I've also made the decision to become a new person, a deeper, more understanding person.

You have learned the key...it is learning through all of this.

[kellymarie]

Thank you so much Kay. It's so good to hear you say that since I sometimes feel like I'm wandering aimlessly through grief (or in circles...). I really have to say that finding this site, reading a lot of older posts, and getting the recommendation to get Healing after Loss made me realize I have a choice in this process. I am so glad to have found you all. I no longer feel alone in the depths of grief. Kelly

[dpodesta]

This is the topic I have been looking for, I lost my wife of 11 years to a heart attack 2 months ago yesterday. I too didn't get to ride on the ambulance, however when I did get to the hospital they were still working on her. I have a 7 year old son who without him I don't believe I could go on with life, I am forced to because of him. I still have the fortunate contact of her family and they are helping me with taking care of Carson while I am at work. One family that Karen was close to before we got married are still very much mine and Carson's friends and for that I am grateful. However, even with the support I have for mine and Karen's family I still feel alone. I can't see the future anymore, that disappeared when Karen died. I know that the future still exists for me, but until I can grieve and accept that Karen is not coming home I won't be able to make plans for that future.

I am so glad to have found this topic, to know that the feelings and thoughts I have a not crazy thoughts and that others are going through or have been through what I am going through right now.

God Bless you all

Derek